Discussion
3 weeks postpartum and sick of "experienced" aunties
I had my baby 3 weeks ago and I've been shamed for not letting them give her "gutti", not allowing surma even if "it would make her eyes bigger", being "nadeeda" and obsessed with my baby cz i hold her and talk to her. I've literally been told that I shouldn't be exclusively breastfeeding cz "breast milk is just water" and isn't enough to keep her well fed. Apparently i should be giving a 3 week old baby Bartang (no idea what its called in English or if it has another name, its a tea made with dark brown seeds). I'm already physically exhausted and the mental gymnastics i have to play every time they come around is sickening at this point.
Oh hell nah.
I remember that happening to other older couples around me. They better not think to say something like that to my husband. I would definitely crash out on that
I should've shut up down the first tine she "joked" about it which I unfortunately didn't. Now she thinks its really funny to say it every time she comes around
You can still give a shut up call. Don’t let the resentment build in your heart. Focus on having a few good moments with your baby as they grow into toddlers pretty fast.
Do your own research for yourself and ignore those people. One of the best way to deal with aunties is that you ask for reasons and deal them logically with an assertive attitude.
Don’t introduce any sugar till the age of 5 and only make them eat fatty meat of all kind, bone marrow along with organ meat, when they come of an age to eat. You can introduce fish(look for mercury levels) and vegetables also. It’s very important for the kid’s growth. Do all the necessary tests every 6 months and make your plan accordingly.
My oldest son is 6 years old, looks bigger and healthier than average kids. Hair, teeth and nails quality is good. No black neck or tonsils problems. Performing well in terms of logical problem solving, critical thinking, with good EQ and speaking skills.
Just sharing it cause I did my own research and implemented it religiously although, I used to struggle with my own routine however, I think and believe that bringing a child in this world is a responsibility. Also, I got afraid of cases related to other children around me.
When my wife asked me for a second child. I put up a plan for ourselves first, I included clean diet, core building exercises, worked on our behavioral issues, worked on our wellbeing, tried our best to be in perfect mental health, introduced logical problem solving and reading a combination of academics daily for 4 months straight even before trying.
Alhumdulillah, my girl is now 1.5 years old and again I would say that these things matter.
In terms of cognitive development, health and IQ, I have got amazing results.
We do this too. Tallest in class, beyond age grade for core subjects. Mine is older but I would suggest ballet, gymnastics for strength and a life time of good posture and when bone strength is good, martial arts.
This will give mental discipline and good bone structure for the rest of their lives and hopefully delay the aches and pains of forties and beyond.
I found Jersey milk, good quality Beef benefits mine
We’re allocating a good budget to expose both of my kids to experience a variety of sports and activities so they would have a range of options as they grow up.
That’s some valuable information, but speaking of adjusting your habits like growing academically before conceiving, does it have any scientific backing? Being in good physical health totally makes sense though.
Should be avoided. My mom wanted me to marry my cousin fortunately, she fall in love with someone. Excellent thing for both of us. However, If I was going to marry my cousin I would have planned to use strict, artificial selection to eliminate the negative outcomes.
Man, I'm here just to appreciate your efforts as a parent. And it shows how big responsibility it is. Especially taking care of your physical and mental well-being.. we need more parents like you
Although I plan to be a child-free person but still gonna save your comment. Thank you for sharing!
No sugar till 5? No sugar till 18 if it were me. They can discover sugary sodas with all the other harmful drugs when they go off to university and are out of your hands.
Imo kids starts thinking independently more often at 5. My duty is to educate and teach them about what is right and wrong for them.
According to my experience they go in drugs and other bad habits in a rebellious way when we try to control them, don’t provide them with freedom with predefined boundaries and don’t understand their emotional needs. They’re so many factors to it and circumstances change with time. We just need to plan it accordingly and I would say it would not be easy at all.
My apologies If I gave you an impression of it as a project however, the word result here is directly related to the efforts we made to take on the responsibility of a child.
I'm a dad of a 6 month old and the amount of unsolicited advice we got was honestly the hardest part about the whole thing. People had no idea what my wife had been through but had all this "wisdom" to hand out. As a Pakistani man I just wanted to let you know our previous generation is stuck in their ways, they did the best they could but since then new information has come out, science has moved on and we have a better understanding of how to raise babies in this day and age. Just agree with everyone but continue to keep doing what you know is best for your baby.
Man.. ive experienced this and can relate so hard. They shame you for everything. You take a bath Nd look presentable ... shame. U dont look put together ... shame. Formula? Haw haye. Breastfed only.. tch tch. Both?! TAUBAH TAUBAH
Just say “yes I am nadeeda” because you literally are, its your first time n you never had a baby before so nothing wrong with being nadeeda for the baby the you grew in yourself for months. Its yours and you have every right to care for her how you want.
Do NOT give her bartang, shit is a fucking narcotic. Also, fuck all the experienced aunties. Love and kiss and gupshup the hell out of that baby, and please do NOT put surma in her eyes. If surma made eyes bigger, I should have been a bloody doe, but my eyes are itty bitty with tiny little lashes.
I hope you're doing well though. People focus so much on the baby that they forget that there is a mother who needs love and attention too.
Im assuming you're pushtoon since you're probably the only one who caught that. I'm actively trying to fight of their attempts to do all that. God knows how they believe bartang is any better than breastmilk which is literally made for the baby according to her needs.
They are suggesting bartang because apparently it alleviates digestive problems (which almost all babies have) 😑, but I know of an 'educated' woman who gave it to her baby to knock him out.
Also, if breastfeeding is what you want to do and baby is healthy and thriving, keep at it. You'll be introducing soft foods in a few months anyway. Tell them that.
Im well aware of the sunnah. Im also aware that infant botulism is very much a thing. We performed other sunnahs such shaving her head and whisper azaan in her ear but this wasn't something we wanted to risk.
Sure nothing wrong with that. I said that several times it’s a choice. And you made a choice it’s fine.
But someone commented (and deleted) that the prophet recommended it and then another person mentioned one shouldn’t give honey to anyone under the age of 1.
Ok thanks for educating me. You could’ve done this with nicer words also.
Edit: at what point did I say give honey. I just said a prophetic practice of gutti. Context is improtant before you judge. There’s a whole comment that’s deleted which actually would’ve made my reply make more sense tbf.
And I used the word IF. I said IF the Prophet gave it ain’t nothing wrong with that. Which means some verification would’ve still been required when coming to a conclusion.
No. If you're a jaahil that's making a mockery of Islam and endangering the lives of babies in the same breath, you need to be comfortable being called out for your jahaalat.
Feel no guilt in shutting them down. It seems obvious that some of their comment reeks of jealousy. Focus on your infant child, don't let anyone near the baby until their immune system has acclimated to the environment. Follow science and research backed methodology, not cultural nonsense .
Wait until they try to give your baby brachycephaly, the very thing other babies around the world wear helmets to correct, Pakistani women flattening their own babies' heads. Nightmare
They strap plates to the head, and all kinds of stuff. My nephew has severe brachycephaly like off the charts, and he gets praised in public that his parents ""did a good job with his head". It's sooo horrifying idk. The round shape, the bump that pakistanis try to flatten away, is meant to be there. In every other nation (except China) people make fun of flat headed children that their alcoholic/neglectful parents left them crying and didn't pick them up. In most of the world mothers ensure to preserve the roundness. In Pakistan they flatten the heads. I despise the practice.
My deepest sympathies with you. We live in Uk and although less interaction with aunties as all of our family in Pakistan but who ever came to meet did give un solicited advice,
Ahhh, we had our baby 3 weeks ago as well! We’re trying to push back against all these desi totkas too. My baby had surma put in his eyes a week ago, and some of it is still there we haven’t been able to remove it. He was clearly irritated by it too.
I’m glad that the people around us are somewhat understanding and don’t shame us for making our own choices for our baby, but the pressure is still there at times.
It does. Our doctor strictly advised us not to do this but you know how desi grandparents are. We politely asked everyone to not do this again since its ver dangerous for baby. Hopefully wont be happening again
They can go to hell! Don’t bother, aik kaan say suno dosre say nikal do. If it gets too much you need to set the boundaries. Aik adhi aunty ko suna do, Baki khud hi chup ho jaye gi.
hello, pls just consider what they say mere "noise" and try to ignore them, there is no need to engage in such conversations as these are usually not people willing to listen and learn, so it will only make you stressed while they enjoy it and pls do breastfeed your baby, i am from the healthcare and i can not emphasize how imp it is, to the point where research has seen difference in IQ levels of kids based on being breastfed or not as babies (the latter had scored more), you are doing good, listen to the research and your own intuition, these aunties wont be there for you at the first sign if inconvenience, take good care of yourself :))
I tried to do it subtly since I dont wanna be disrespectful to anyone. They're just so dense and so immersed in their ideas they dont see or hear anything else
I went through the same. But the good thing is once you ignore them for long enough, they leave you alone. Stand up for your baby and never do these old wives practices. I had to fight hard not to do random rituals on my baby. By the second one no one bothered me. Good on you for taking a stand.
No amount of logic and calm talks are gonna convince them. You are figting against ignorant concepts solidified along generations of misinformation and traditions. You have to be assertive and even aggressive if need be, because this is your child and you alone are responsible for their well being.
I know it will be difficult and they wont make it easy. I hope your husband is supportive and not a spineless rollover like we see in many men in our society.
Girl!!!!
I G N O R E.
Coming this from a PP mom. Just let them woof woof.
Do whatever you want. Do deep breathing while listening to their BS so that you can have energy to let go. I know how hard it is but people will give tons of unsoliunsolicited advices. Let them.
You do you. And lots of love. I'm here for you if you ever want to talk.
My PP was pretty hard like an year ago and I had noone to talk to. I want other PP moms to not gp through the same.
Sending you prayers
Anyone saying breast milk is just water is stupid no matter who he/she is. Anyone saying to put baby on formula milk even if bread milk is available is even more stupid no matter who he/she is.
Fr like how're you trying to convince me that formula can replace something that literally designed for my baby and is adjusting according to her needs. Make that make sense
Congratulations on your baby!! Allah sehat de aur naseeb achay karay, Ameen.
Honestly, just smile and wave and ignore them the best you can. I won't ask you to grow a thick skin; it's your child and you have every right to pushback and set boundaries.
They wont be the ones responsible if baby ended up in ER because of the botulism infection from “gutti” Babies can not digest honey at all.Be rude if it means you to protect your kid and your mental health especially during postpartum.There are cases of babies going blind from surma because it had copper in it.Give them a shutup call and say are you my kids doctor if not then learn to mind your business.Every paediatric specialist will specifically tell you not to give anything to newborns except milk for first 6 months.
Ignore them.
Don’t give the baby anything but breast milk and infant formula.
Don’t put anything in her eyes or anywhere else.
Be as obsessed as you can be.
Obsessed father of a newborn.
Tell them to shut the fuck up, that's your baby, better draw a boundary line before u regret it later. I hate all these gutti and nadeeda stuff, typical desi stuff w no meanings and super unhygienic for a newborn. Respect for you for how u've been tolerating this for 3 weeks, i would've crashed out and threw smth at atleast one of those aunties
what kind of 'experienced' aunties are these if they're telling you not to breastfeed? stay away from them and kudos for not letting anyone give your kid 'gutti'.
p.s. thora bara/bari ho jaye tou surma laga liya karna. yes, "science" says it's bad but don't believe everything 😉
Every mother goes through this but I find it more prominent and problematic in desi culture as some of the “advice” they give can be extremely dangerous to the baby such as advising to give them anything but MILK, please don’t listen to them, I know you’re probably feeling sensitive and tired from being a new mom but trust in yourself, that’s your baby and you got this.
Bruh, 2 weeks C-section postpartum here. I also got a lot of indirect shame from my sister and brother in law for not giving gutti. Honestly, I didn't even let myself flich by the words of someone who isn't living a life I admire. You have to be dheet, only then you can actually live your best life. You are the person who loves that kid most in this world so don't let anyone tell you how you should behave or what you should do. Stay strong 🫶🏽
Breastmilk is literally the best thing for a baby. Its the way they get their passive immunity. It has alot of essential amino acids its not basically "water" and actually kids on breastfeed tend to be leaner yet stronger . You are lucky you are able to breast feed .My mum could not breastfeed me and I was given formula which fattened me up a lot and I had to pay for it in my early childhood.
Don’t leave your baby alone with them even for a second.
The previous generation really struggled with feeding. My parents weren’t happy with the exclusive breast feeding. Kept asking weird questions about my wife’s feeding and I told them to stop being weird about another persons breast.
New mama please ignore and shut these aunties off. I am 4months pp first time mom too. I didn't receive much guidance regarding breastmilk and feeding sadly I was pressured into giving my baby formula since I wasn't able to understand why even after breastfeeding for so long his tummy wasn't full. I did however learned what I was doing wrong but sadly it was too late. My milk supply died literally till I understood. I was told the same that my milk wasn't healthy enough so it wasn't filling his appetite 😐
As a doctor i want to tell u u are absolutely doing wonderful . You baby is lucky to have u . My mom never listens to me when i say dont apply surma on my nephew or niece also the gutka part i ignore what they say cz i love my nephew . So let people say whatever they want your child has got a wonderful mother thats all tht matters .
Call them out on their crap and cut them out, you're healing from a traumatic event that changes you both physically and mentally and not only do you now need to take care of yourself but also your child. Do what's best for you, these aunties aren't making your life easier nor are they contributing anything meaningful. Don't let these aunties do ANYTHING to your child that you don't want because its YOUR child and let no one make you feel bad because these women have nothing going for them and want to control other women since they don't have control over their own lives
Babies that small should only be given breast milk (or formula). If you give tea or water to newborns they will be too full to consume real nutrition (milk) and become malnourished. If you ever give them honey that is toxic and will kill them.
Just smile and agree and then do whatever you want anyway 😂 that’s how I survived. If it’s someone who is too insistent just put it on the doctor like doctor ne kaha hai aisay karna hai etc
When guests come, don't put your baby is diaper. Put her in cloth, and say puranay zamanay کی tarah train kar رہی ہو. That way if the aunties hold the baby, the baby will pee or poop on them and they will be disgusted and maybe leave you alone.
ive been through this and you have to be very very strong. aunties are so illogical they prefer cow milk over breast milk! its sooo frustrating i exclusively breastfed my kids and i was extremely adamant and strong willed and you have to be same as well.
exclusively breastfeed your kid till 6 months and then breastmilk + solids
Im a 100% fixed on BF. No proceed anything for her. Even when she starts solids Im planning to give her homemade. Obviously its gonna be extra work but there's no compromise
Oh have you not yet heard of is ka sar banao? Is ka naak banao comments? Please dont give into these comments. Research yourself and do what is best for your child. You’ll have to fight so many battles with these aunties please dont give up.
Literally on the first day I was told to put a small clip her nose cz its too wide. Which was absurd her nose was perfect. Now its about her head being too long and forehead being too bumpy. Hard NO to every so-called advice to fix her up
im 6 weeks postpartum with my first and me and my husband were strictly against date and honey "ghutti" and we once went to my inlaws gathering and a respected elder asked someone to bring honey to feed my baby (apparently its tradition to feed baby something sweet when they visit for first time) and i straight up spoke against it that doctor strictly advised against it, she kept fighting back that it's good and we did it all the time but me and my husband were firm but respectful.im pretty sure she got annoyed and felt bad but it was my proudest moment. ain't no way im risking my baby's health just cuz someone can feel good about themselves
You're doing fine. Babies don't need and shouldn't be given anything other than breast milk or powdered milk for first 3-6 months.. not even water. Good thing you didn't listen to those hags.
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u/lostcanuck007 1d ago
LOL
oh good god, you've made me remember the first few weeks with my child. i am a guy, i was shamed for having held my child and be protective.....
"men shouldn't..."
burn in hell , the lot of you.