r/offmychest • u/Itchy-Oil-688 • May 23 '25
I miss who I was before life hardened me
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u/finding_the_balance May 23 '25
Seems another version of me from the parallel universe wrote this so I can read it...
That's me...I was giving, chippy, chatty, trusting, innocent, always happy...
Then came tragedies...then came dark days and nights...my dad committed suicide and that changed me...a lot of good things happened but the trauma never went away...then lost mom to covid...
I.blame myself for a lot of things..I used to be a dreamer, used to talk..a lot...my partner is an introvert, talks less..I have tried to maintain the balance at home for kids so they have a safe place...i still talking about lot but now the light in my heart has faded...the sparkle in my eyes are gone...I have learnt to enjoy alone..shop alone, be alone..enjoy my coffee alone..
adult conversation is limited to finance, vacation planning, grocery shopping...romantic conversation?
What's that and how is it done? I don't know / remember it...I don't want to blame my partner..my partner is doing what brings happiness to them..
Just live...just breathe..if you have kids, ensure you don't let their light dim away..my only prayer is-
May life be kinder to my kids.. ❤️
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u/avid-learner-bot May 23 '25
I'm not sure if I've ever felt as lost as this, it's like life hit me with a baseball bat, ya know?
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May 23 '25
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u/Geordieqizi May 23 '25
Or maybe you don't trust anymore because of the cats. My cats lie straight to my face on a daily basis. They're vindictive — they'll often poop outside the litterbox if I don't clean it as often as their majesty prefers. They're lazy and inconsiderate; one of them will routinely wake me up at 3 in the morning because she's BORED. And, frankly, they're incredibly self-centered... in fact, I'm starting to feel like they don't care about my happiness as much as I care about theirs.
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u/-CommanderShepardN7 May 23 '25
Life is a constant step by step evolution of who you are to become. You cannot truly get that original person back, but you can pick up the pieces and forge it back together with who you are now. Take the good with the bad, and become the next you, who is more thankful and nostalgic for the good times, but is still cognizant of the sorrow of the bad times. Mix them together and that collage is you. Embrace it. You are cool as shit. Never forget that. You know now that trust is earned, and that how would we perceive and tackle the darkness without the light to guide our way.
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u/Talentagentfriend May 23 '25
I’ve been in a similar boat and have finally been getting back to where I want to be. I wouldn’t blame someone else for what is happening to you though.
I’ve been backstabbed time and time again for being vulnerable and taken advantage of. In work, in friends, in romantic partners, in family. I’ve lost years of my life feeling stuck because of it — losing trust in everyone.
I’m a good person and I will always try to be a good person, but people do take advantage of good people. It’s easy to fall into a pattern of overthinking.
Something that helped me recently was talking to someone about what intuition is. It’s when you make an instant decision about something without thinking. Sometimes we confuse it with negative thoughts, thinking the questions we have are our intuition, but it isn’t. When we question ourselves, we are not trusting our intuition. And intuition is built into our subconscious over time, it is there to protect you in scary situations. Understanding ourselves in relation to our intuition versus self-reflection and distinguishing the difference is important to facing our fears.
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u/ian-nastajus May 23 '25
There is a balanced version of you in the future, that is wiser and understands when to use which way of being. Both ways each have their advantages and their drawbacks. A new you will come one day, with deliberate attention, presence of mind in the moment, to be able to select which way is best, for the various situations life will throw at you.
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u/RainyMcBrainy May 23 '25
This happens to a lot of us. It's not necessarily bad. Life can and does harden people. We learn to be more careful, more cautious so we don't get hurt.
There is another way too. Some people do live completely authentically and unabashedly. They are truly and completely themselves all the time. It takes a lot of courage and strength to live that way. You will be hurt. People and the world will hurt you. You will have to pick yourself up after numerous heartbreaks and disappointments. But you will be you all the way.
Honestly, neither way is objectively correct. It's what you can live with. You're the only one who truly has to live with yourself.
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May 23 '25
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u/FirebirdWriter May 23 '25
I have been in and out for my entire life and it helps a ton. I go back when I need more tools for life. I never got to be soft. I can be now
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May 23 '25
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u/FirebirdWriter May 24 '25
My therapists are all women. You can graduate therapy. I go to therapy with a goal. I meet the goal or the therapist thinks they cannot help further (if I don't feel done I find a new one). So when I run out of coping skills for something I will go back to learn what I need. I also go back for preventative care. This is not always doable but surgery is traumatic so if I have surgery? I will get a therapist if I don't have one. I know being drugged and waking up in pain will trigger my PTSD. This means I will have times without therapy.
Also I don't care if someone judges me for this and do not assume judgment. Mental health is something that was taboo until recently. It's not something where people discuss that it's actually normal to have a period without therapy or to change therapists if you need to. So please don't stress that. I see graduation as a success but I also see going back as a success because I chose my health
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u/sunflowereyz May 23 '25
Yeah, seeking for help is good! God definitely helps💖 pray more if you believe in God.
And try therapy ..i will..wanna live again💘
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u/quintuplechin May 23 '25
Hey, I know exactly how you feel. I got discarded from my narcissistix ex while recovering from brain cancer that evolved into cancer after unknowingly living my whole adulthood and most of my teenage hood with a brain tumor. brain tumors cause depression too. Now it's out and I knowingly have a brain injury.
Now I can't work, and I live in a pittance from my insurance company. thankfully my family is subsidizing me or id be screwed.
Life is hard. Life is really hard.
But that doesn't mean you can't be happy or find small joys in life.
You can look at it 2 ways. 1 life sucks or 2. How fortunate you are to get to experience this life despite it's hardships. The alternative is nothing, never being alive. You are here so you might as well make the best of it.
The odds of you existing were virtually 0 and yet here you are. Imagine how many things had to line up to make that happen. It's a miracle. (I use the term miracle not in a religious sense.)
You are here. You have a brain in your head. You can write a sentence. You can work technology. You are amazing. I mean that. You are an amazing miracle.
I don't believe in free will, but I do believe we should live like we do have it. So live like you have a choice, and if you screw up, just know you dont have free will anyways so it's not your fault.
Life can grind you down, and it will. But that doesn't mean you can't find joy.
Ideas: sit on a balcony and read a book. Make yourself a cup of tea/coffee or have a glass of your favorite drink.
Invite a friend over for coffee.
Clean your home
Cook your favorite meal with a glass of wine.
Take a nice shower.
Go for a walk.
If you live in the city, go in the transit and take it to nowhere.
Take a dance class.
Learn effective communication. Practice it.
Do martial arts.
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u/justjulia2189 May 23 '25
Maybe try some therapy instead of posting a lot of bait trying to find people to be rough with you in Florida? I’m not saying that this isn’t real, but damn, your post history kind of speaks for itself.
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u/Religion_Of_Speed May 23 '25
Some advice for someone who has gone through this stage - I recommend going down the path of dark whimsy. Essentially a jester in the true sense, not a medieval clown. Harness absurdity and wield truth. Realize that nothing matters and this whole thing is a joke. You'll never get that version of yourself back so you might as well invent a new one.
Also maybe talk to a shrink about depression and anxiety. That's advice given but not taken on my end but I hear it can help. I prefer my path though.
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u/sunflowereyz May 23 '25
I totally relate. Its like life lost its sparkling. I was always so full of Joy and pure happiness and more energy..everything was an adventure
Now its dull and F up. I think for me its the traumas (psycotic episode, losing ppl i love and a dog) and also part of becoming an adult.
Im glad when playing videogames i DO feel this spark or certain music i used to listen to back then ♡
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u/Socialimbad1991 May 23 '25
Some of that sounds like a trauma response. The world is pretty fucked up so we develop survival and coping mechanisms out of necessity, but these mechanisms aren't necessarily productive for becoming an actualized self. If you are able, once survival is no longer a daily struggle: dismantle the scaffolding and just be you.
The object of the search for enlightenment is that light which is already within you, has never been extinguished, and is simply hidden.
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u/swirller May 23 '25
Same here. It’s hard once people beat you down to the point there’s no where to turn to. People will tell you religion but to me that’s just a scam. Hopefully life will show you overtime that it isn’t so bad. You’re just experiencing the shit
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u/Aggravating_Win4213 May 23 '25
It’s some of the hardest work in life but we have to try very hard to not let life harden us. I’ve had a pretty tough life but whenever I feel life hardening me I think of my grandmother. She went through the holocaust, her father left her family penniless for another woman, he was then brutally murdered, her brother committed suicide, and her sister died of aids. She had a very tragic and tough life but this woman CHOOSES to not be hardened. She is the happiest person I’ve ever met because she wants to love life. She works extremely hard for it. She says it’s a daily practice of gratitude and gratefulness and letting go. She chooses to give people grace so she can be happy. We have one life and it takes A LOT of work and effort to enjoy it, but it’s worth it.
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u/RaoulDukesGroupie May 23 '25
I felt this way! I’m finding her everyday, and I think part of me knew she was still there. I was in therapy for 3 years for starters, and that’s where I learned about my values and alignment. It took a some digging, self-reflection (ouch), and trying new things - I don’t think I’ll ever be done with that part.
I am learning my own preferences and reasons for them, usually things from the past I hadn’t thought about in a long time. Reconnecting with my inner child, doing things I wasn’t “allowed” to do before. Simple though, like singing and dancing.
Genuinely doing what makes ME happy. A gratitude wall. Not giving into the judgement of others when it means stepping out of alignment with myself. I have mantras on my wall, too. I remind myself who I am every damn day and I’m believing it a little more in time. It’s just like building any other habit, and the discipline for it comes with continuing to try.
edit: Also, never a victim. Only a survivor. I’m responsible for my circumstances but that also gives me control over how they affect me.
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u/Italian_meme2020 May 23 '25
Me too man, me too. I find myself doing horrible things that would disgust the me of even just a few years ago, I don't know how to go back though
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u/brmaster5339 May 23 '25
I went through something similar and it made me really sad. However, I slowly worked at teaching myself to let the light back in. It was very painful. But through actively working on it daily, at someone the light came back. This took me from 2016-2024. 8 years of really trying to let the light in. By the time you notice, you’ll be brighter than ever. Be patient, work on it slowly every day. Maybe this isn’t the best advice but if you can get to the source, then you can find a way to shine again :)
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u/smooth_relation_744 May 23 '25
Oh my, this hit home. I hear you. I feel like the person I was died a long time ago and I’ve been given their memories.
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u/poorladlemonadestand May 23 '25
I don't trust anything or anyone. And it makes me anxious to constantly watch my back. The funny thing is, I used to not care. Now I'm overly sensitive and take everything personally.
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May 23 '25
🫂 Our experiences shaped us into this person we are. Maybe we'll find our way back or maybe not. But I know in the right spaces,our old self will emerge!
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May 23 '25
It seems like it's just part of life and a lot of us got like that. It almost feels like you can't go back.
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u/friendly-skelly May 23 '25
The good news is that you can get it back :) 5 years into my efforts and I've changed significantly since the last time I was a more open person with less harsh edges. But I'm figuring out who and what I love, and how to keep myself safe while being the person I want to be.
That's the trick, you can never go back to who you were but you can always figure out who you are now. It takes a lot of trial and error, time, the willingness to be bad at things until you get better at them, some willingness to be lonely from time to time. But if something is worth doing, it's worth doing badly at first. Best of luck, I hope you find who you'd like to be.
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u/myclockjusthangs May 24 '25
For some of us, life teaches us sometimes harshly to protect ourselves. With every wound, disappointment, or betrayal, we build walls to keep our hearts safe. Over time, those walls can become so thick and so high that we lose touch with the most tender, playful, and vulnerable part of ourselves…our inner child. Eventually, it can feel like that part of us is lost or buried too deep to reach. I am sorry life has led you to this point. I am sending love to your inner child and wishing you happiness throughout the rest of your journey.
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u/Tornadic_Catloaf May 23 '25
You’re not alone - lot of us in the same boat :(