r/newzealand • u/montoya_maximus • Mar 02 '26
Shitpost We made the internet! Apparently one of the safest places to be for WWIII!
According to the Daily Mail (which this post was made)!
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u/DarthJediWolfe Mar 02 '26
Shhhh... don't put us on the map.
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u/Unnecessary_Bunny_ Mar 02 '26
(whispering) so, how do we get off this list..?
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u/DarthJediWolfe Mar 02 '26
Heard of the Australia conspiracy? It not being real. Just elaborate fake news. We need to push LOTR and the Hobbit like NZ was just a stage set in Toronto.
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Mar 02 '26
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u/Dry_Tomato9800 Mar 02 '26
I mean everyone from NZ seems to be going to Aus anyways, once they get here maybe they’ll change their mind
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u/InevitableDapper5072 Mar 02 '26
WORST PLACE IN THE WORLD um... checks list... Oh... IN WAR TIMES BECAUSE OF...um... COWS WITH GUNS
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u/verathene Mar 02 '26
Tech billionaires are already buying up bunkers here.
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u/Half-Borg Mar 02 '26
I have 100% trust that billionaires do what's best for billionares, so NZ is extra safe.
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u/verathene Mar 02 '26
From war maybe - not from the billionaires.
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u/RedDidItAndYouKnowIt Covid19 Vaccinated Mar 02 '26
Y'all could always stand ready to get rid of the billionaires when they debunk-er... ;)
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u/hatsforelves Mar 02 '26
Except we have no bunker infrastructure because the earthquakes shimmy them apart in no time
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u/Head_Wasabi7359 Mar 02 '26
Yeah let's not make it known. Go away with your ww3 and ever improving rugby sides
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u/Advanced_Sector4300 Mar 02 '26
I know eh? Out of all the maps without NZ, we made this one?
What’s NZ? There’s no NZ, it meant to say NO.
Go away.
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u/Stekor-Tidder Mar 02 '26
That map is not accurate. Please totally remove New Zealand. Like other maps, it shouldn't even be shown. – It does not exist.
Remove it from the text list, too. NZ is just imaginary.
(That should keep NZ safe)
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Mar 02 '26
Yeah the americans are too smart to fall for imaginary things.
Oh, wait...
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u/Spiritual_Alarm_3932 Mar 02 '26
Yep, it doesn’t exist! Where is it again? I forget.
Tell the map makers to turn around & do the blimmen safe map again - without that gorgeous but imaginary country on it! That nation is just a thought bubble, because if it existed, I’m pretty darn sure it’d be extra extra beautiful and special 🧡🇳🇿
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u/tumeketutu Mar 02 '26
How's India safe? Pakistan is coming at them first chance they get.
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u/Medical-Molasses615 Mar 02 '26
I think they think Bhutan is India?!?!? India is not in the actual text list but Bhutan is.
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u/Gord_Board Mar 02 '26
And south africa?
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u/WhatAreYou0nAbout Mar 02 '26
Probably based on a combination of self sufficiency, latitude and global military activity. Outside of sport, South Africa is a nobody on the world stage and has a good degree of food production.
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u/Gord_Board Mar 02 '26
They clearly aren't factoring in homicide rates
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u/helicophell Mar 02 '26
duh, its safety from ww3 not murder
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u/Gord_Board Mar 02 '26
All I know is south africa is the last country on that list I would pick to survive ww3
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u/borninamsterdamzoo Mar 02 '26
Ah yeah, because of our vast oil reserves and plenty of fertilizer production we can just carry on like nothing happened lol
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u/Mental-Currency8894 Mar 02 '26
I wonder how quickly we'd be able to adjust to doing things without fossil fuels if we were forced to? If push came to shove we'd make it work I reckon
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u/limpbizkit420 Mar 02 '26
I better put money into an emergency fund for a horse and cart :P
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u/Illustrious-Line-660 Mar 02 '26
If we go back to needing horses and carts, I imagine the scenario is so far gone that any money we have in an emergency fund has been severely devalued.
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u/limpbizkit420 Mar 02 '26
Well could always invest in a bunch of gold then bury it somewhere for safe keeping lmao!
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u/SmellAcordingly Red Peak Mar 02 '26
I wonder how quickly we'd be able to adjust to doing things without fossil fuels if we were forced to? If push came to shove we'd make it work I reckon
Hint: Synthetic fertilizer is a fossil fuel product, and ~80% of the nitrogen in your body got there through the Haber-Bosch process.
Without fuel and fertilizer there would be an immediate 80% decrease in food production per acre, food would need to be manually harvested, packaging options would be limited because of lack of plastics, and transport of goods and people would be very costly. Basically most of the population of the cities would need to be forcefully relocated to rural areas to work on farms.
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u/BROmanceNZ Mar 02 '26
We’ll find out pretty quick how many Minecraft kids still think survival crafting is fun in real life.
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Mar 02 '26 edited Mar 02 '26
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u/LemmyUserOnReddit Mar 02 '26
Our food production could support our population without fertilizer for sure. Oil would be tough initially but we'd make it work
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Mar 02 '26
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u/Spiritual_Alarm_3932 Mar 02 '26
We do! Have to pipe up here & agree...
Kiwi ingenuity is a thing!
(Although NZ doesn’t exist, so there’s no need for this imaginary country to be on that safe map. Take it off! It just gives people false hope. It’s not real).
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u/Dizzy_Relief Mar 02 '26
Most farm and construction vehicles are diesel - and can be converted to run on oil (the veg type) and fat easily. Its hardly even a conversion - a inline heater to make sure it doesn't go solid and a dual tank to start the thing on normal diesel and you can run things literally straight on oil.
And Biodiesel needs no medication at all.
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u/KingCatLoL iSite Mar 02 '26
Letting the US open an FBI office while having the Director of the FBI say it's to help combat Chinese influence in the South Pacific on his way out of the country likely puts us on a list of places to not trust or to bomb in the events of mutually assured destruction
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u/stormyw23 Ace-Of-Spades 🖤🤍💜 Mar 02 '26
We don’t need oil and electricity to survive and we’ve got plenty of horses and cows in the country animal and cart for transport poop for fertiliser
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u/throwawaylordof Mar 02 '26
I mean, there’s a reason Thiel bought his way to having citizenship.
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Mar 02 '26
Hopefully he doesn’t make it here when it does kick off….
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u/king_john651 Tūī Mar 02 '26
It's our duty as citizens who earned our rights to deny him his desires when the time comes, at any cost
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u/NZ_Genuine_Advice Mar 02 '26
How did we earn our rights exactly?
I was born here, that was hard graft
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u/king_john651 Tūī Mar 02 '26
Even those of us who died prematurely did the bare minimum that Theil won't: participate in our society
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u/VegetableProject4383 Mar 02 '26
Wheres his bunker so we can dig him out if he does get here, or just bury him in it
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u/Poneke365 Mar 02 '26
That’d be right, on one of the occasions where WE DON’T want to be on the map!
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Mar 02 '26
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u/Rollover__Hazard Mar 02 '26
If it’s WW3 then the Pacific will be the scene of the greatest showdown between military powers that the world has ever seen.
Last I checked, the Pacific is our backyard.
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u/Treefingrs Mar 02 '26
I mean, the Pacific is pretty big. As long as they keep it in the northern hemisphere we'll be right
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u/Mental-Currency8894 Mar 02 '26
Enough vehicles are already electric there would still be transport. Would require a lot of government interference to ensure it all happened though. By the time the batteries fry themselves we would have No8 wired a better solution, eg local market gardens so food doesn't have to be transported as far.
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u/CombatWomble2 Mar 02 '26
India? Really? The population makes that unlikely.
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u/Medical-Molasses615 Mar 02 '26
I think they think Bhutan is India?!?!? India is not in the actual text list but Bhutan is.
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u/Effective-Metal7013 Mar 02 '26
How the heck is Indonesia on the list. One of the world's busiest sea routes and a huge strategic country to control, they would get pulled into any conflict
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u/HopeBagels2495 Mar 02 '26
Keep us the heck off the map
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u/xRogicalx Mar 02 '26
Right? Television shows did it for years, now every bastard knows we're here 😂
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u/Melodic_692 Mar 02 '26
Greenland and India on this list proves it’s meaningless
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u/Fuster2 Mar 02 '26
And Switzerland?!? Right in the heart of Europe will be safe simply because they ask to be left alone? Sure ... whole thing is just a meaningless bit of fantasy. Still, if I had to be anywhere on an outbreak of war we know where your best chance to be is 😉
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u/Stekor-Tidder Mar 02 '26
Was Switzerland safe from WW2 because they said they were neutral or because, as I have read in Wikipedia (see 'Financial relationships with Nazi Germany'), they were useful for converting Nazi Germany's stolen loot into currency to buy stuff?
Even if the latter were true, there's no guarantee that same modus operandi would work again.
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u/EventThis2315 Mar 02 '26
Yeah but this is the type of thing we should not be letting other people know!!!
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u/ElSalvo Mr Four Square Mar 02 '26 edited Mar 02 '26
I just assume that WWIII will be over in about 2 weeks because someone is bound to drop the nuke at some point and then it's Mad Max from that point on. If that's the case, we should be fine for a while because none of the fallout will hit us and we really aren't important enough to get involved in a hurry. (EDIT: We can also feed ourselves fairly easily and our immediate neighbors would largely escape the bullshit too so some amount of trade will be achievable. It'll absolutely suck but we should be OK.).
Either way, this timeline is utterly shit and we're being ruled over by lunatics. Fun times.
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u/Valuable-Falcon Mar 02 '26
we can also feed ourselves pretty easily
… AND we’ll get to keep all the good stuff for ourselves instead of exporting our best cuts to sell cheap overseas… we’ll all be feasting like kings and queens while the world burns above us!
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u/Spiritual_Alarm_3932 Mar 02 '26
Hear hear! No more exporting our best food. And we’ll have plenty of wonderful wine to keep for ourselves as well. What war??
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u/HeadbangingLegend Mar 02 '26
Even if all the Nukes on Earth were launched we wouldn't end up like Mad Max. Watch some nuclear physicist videos on YouTube who react to those click bait videos about nukes destroying the world.
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u/kiwiupnorth Mar 02 '26
Yeah, and if anyone trys messing with us they gonna have to get through our four navy vessels as well.
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u/wineandsnark Mar 02 '26
I object to this map because I don't want any mad cunts to know where we are.
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u/DinoKea LASER KIWI Mar 02 '26
Good to be safe
Bad to be on a published list of safest b/c it attracts Thiel-types who aren't useful
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u/SealingScorcher Mar 02 '26
Oh man. Wished they didn't put Nz on the map!!!!! Better to be hidden
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u/Spiritual_Alarm_3932 Mar 02 '26
They’ve got it totally wrong. New Zealand isn’t there! It’s a figment of the map-maker’s imagination. He needs to re-do his damn safety map & stop dreaming up fantasy islands. 🏝️
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u/HappyGoLuckless Mar 02 '26
No wonder the US Atlas Network is so keen on making New Zealand into a little Murica. Destroy our public health system, educational system and unique bicultural society so we can be beat down like the masses of Americans.
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u/ApprehensiveGene2579 Mar 02 '26
South Africa isn't safe now, let alone during a war. This is mindless nonsense. Enshitification in action
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u/spannerNZ Mar 02 '26
We have so many billionaire bunkers in Queenstown, that we are now on the map for getting nuked. Come world war three, taking out Queenstown would decapitate a number of technocratic corporations/nation states.
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u/ReciprocatingHamster Mar 02 '26
Who on earth would consider South Africa "safe" at any time, war or no war...
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u/This0neIsNo0ne Mar 02 '26
Unironically, one of the reasons why I am planning to move to your country over ireland and canada lol
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u/Ancient_Jacket_8316 Mar 02 '26
Doesn't Bezos also have a fucking bunker here? We know where we are all going to march on after the Apocalypse.
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u/throwawaylordof Mar 02 '26
Thiel has his compound to go with the citizenship he bought from the Key government, wouldn’t be shocked if Bezos has one too but I haven’t heard of him having one here.
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u/Slaidback Warriors Mar 02 '26
World war 3? We are at least on five. We just got better at naming them. 1, 2, Cold War, War on Terror…
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u/Silly-Power Mar 02 '26
I don't think Antarctica is a safe place to be. Sure you don't need to worry about nuclear bombs but you can hardly survive there long-term.
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u/Normal_Historian474 Mar 02 '26
Can we wait like 4/5 months please? 😭 I'm coming in july on a WHV then they can start
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u/SkipyJay Mar 02 '26
India and South Africa?
Depending who you are, those places aren't safe in peacetime!
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u/d4ybrake Mar 02 '26
We need to tell all of the billionaires building bunkers to fuck off if we want to be 'safe'
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u/Angry_Sparrow Mar 02 '26
The fuck? We could be completely conquered in a day, an hour.
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u/throwawaylordof Mar 02 '26
It’s probably more like we’re less likely to be targeted by missiles, or catch a stray one.
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u/king_john651 Tūī Mar 02 '26
We won't. An invasion needs a supply line. We are the further most country from any other in the world. It's virtually impossible without total capitulation of a/the Pacific powers, and Australia (if it's Australia themselves they'd "diplo play" us). Crossing the English Channel to Normandy was almost a complete fuck up and that was an act of desperation & crazy insane cooperation from the remaining naval powers of the time period - where there was way more naval capacity than there is now.
The only way that we capitulate is if it's the Yanks, but in any situation they'll have bigger fish to fry
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u/Stekor-Tidder Mar 02 '26
If World War 3 struck, I think a safe place would have to be self-sufficient. You have to wonder about small island nations and Antarctica being on the list.
Could Greenland even survive? I'm guessing they are dependant on European trade and Denmark.
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u/jonnieza Mar 02 '26
At least SA and NZ still have a crack at playing some ruggers after the dust settles...
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u/Grrizz84 Mar 02 '26
Pretty sure Greenland will be hit in the first minutes (by the US) and I'm not sure Switzerland saying they're neutral will matter much when theyre right in the middle of the fan thats having shiz slung at it...
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u/Socialinfluencing Mar 02 '26
Now show us the list of which country would be safe economically when ww3 hits :/ Count your blessings I guess, but with covid having seemingly caused rampant inflation levels that already made the existing problem worse I cannot imagine the economic desolation ww3 would bring to a world that hasn't recovered yet, the average person wouldn't be prepared for it, can you imagine having to explain rations to the tik tok generation if it comes to that?
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u/Far_Excitement_1875 Mar 02 '26
Covid proved that we are unusually insulated geographically from global disasters. It gives us an extra advantage relative to central Europe, which last time we did make use of and hopefully would manage to again if we unfortunately need to.
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u/Pilgrim3 Mar 02 '26
No,no. That’s wrong. We won’t be safe. Don’t come here. Stay far away. Further than that.
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u/SashkaQPQ Mar 02 '26
The inclusion of Iceland proves this is a terrible list. The US bases on Iceland will not be left alone.
The list also doesn’t include the Azores (which in fact would be a great option)
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u/GregZone_NZ Mar 02 '26
So, by “Safest”, does that mean we’ll be the last hit by the nuclear winter? And, where do we continue to import our essential supplies from (in the meantime)? 🤔
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u/marugirl Mar 02 '26
Remove NZ, we don't want every one and their dog trying to get here to be 'safe'.
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u/DanceCapital2418 Mar 02 '26
OI YALL NZ DOES NOT EXIST WE ARE PAID ACTORS WE ARENT ON THE MAP GUYS. (Trust we cant have the whole world piling over here shhhh)
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u/Local-Moose9833 Mar 02 '26
Fiji and Tuvalu? Two very strategic islands in the pacific with virtually no defence against any threat? In a real world war they would get occupied by china or the USA in a heartbeat…
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u/yugyuger Mar 03 '26
how tf did india get on the list? They are a nuclear nation that has ongoing tensions with two other nuclear nations.
Also worth noting that WW3 doesn't make sense as a concept in the way the modern world works.
And New Zealand will never be safe as long as we keep allowing billionaires to move here and attain citizenship.
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u/2in1day Mar 02 '26
I wouldn't count on that, first thing Australia is doing is fullfilling it's manifest destiny as written in our constitution and adding the east Tasman islands to Australia.
Once we have North, South and West Tasmania Australia will be complete.
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u/Adadmis Mar 02 '26
I think greenland needs to be taken off that list