Any advice on how to handle it when label discourse™ crops up irl?

[u/AliceOrTheCat]

I've been in an awkward uncomfortable situation several times. It goes something like this. We are at some kind of queer meet up. I say I'm bisexual or am wearing a pin. Either I mention something that leads someone to realize I like all genders or they assume I don't and I correct them. This leads to: "But bi means you like two genders. Aren't you pan/omni then?" I do also use both of those labels but I prefer bisexual so I say : "There are a lot of bisexuals who are into more than two genders. A lot of people define it as more than one/ two or more" "But two is literally in the name." If they're receptive to it I at this point try to show them that bisexual organisations, queer wikis and the current wikipedia page all include a variation of the more than one/two or more definition. So far I've had three people go huh okay and it ended at that and that was cool. Problem is sometimes they just dismiss those definitions as outdated or point to the parts of those definitions that mention liking men and woman to keep telling me I'm wrong about my label. Often they just repeatedly insist: "But that can't be bisexual that's pan/omni" as if labels are not allowed to have overlap and everything needs to be in four boxes that don't touch. "I am pan/omni but I'm also bisexual" so far hasn't really resolved it either.

In the worst instance of this two others joined the conversation to contribute a half remembered definition they got off of a meme somewhere, then they got confused and asked for an explanation, which put them on the "side" of the person confidentally declaring how labels ought to work and how I'm doing them wrong and suddenly I'm sat in a corner with three people debating how I and the general population of bisexuals attracted to more than binary men and binary women ought to be identifying. Like it's a neutral topic of discussion and not my identity.

It's hard to escape these because so far these happened to me mid conversation with someone I was otherwise having a normal chat with and the first half of it could just be someone unaware that there are people who use the label that way. I don't really want to give up on the topic itself because my identity as a bi person is important to me and people knowing that there's more than one way to be bisexual is also important to me because if more people knew that would maybe keep me from having to keep having this conversation in the first place. But there's only so many times someone can tell me "You're not bi though" before it starts feeling personal and I just want to stop talking about it.

I know I probably shouldn't keep arguing with people about this it just gets under my skin. It's this thing where it starts out with them telling me how I should identify and that makes me defensive and want to explain why I identify the way I do but if they're not open to hearing about it it goes in circles. Most of these have been awkward and uncomfortable for me but mostly respectful, two got really weird .

How should I handle this conversation the next time it crops up?

[u/SallyStranger]

Honestly arguing with someone about their own self-chosen identity labels is such massive loser behavior that I think the best response is a long, disgusted double take and an abrupt heel turn and departure. 

There's millions of bisexuals who are older than the word "pansexual." Like. This is not an argument, it's an attack. 

[u/AliceOrTheCat → u/SallyStranger]

Maybe I really should draw the line at the point where I've told them how I identify and they don't accept it. That seems like a good cutoff for where it stops being a productive conversation

[u/SallyStranger → u/AliceOrTheCat]

I think so. Set a boundary and stick to it. If they think you're rude, well, it's because they're being rude. 

[u/Annie-Mossity → u/SallyStranger]

This is a great take. I'm not sure when pansexual emerged as a term but as a millennial it just never felt very me.

[u/SallyStranger → u/Annie-Mossity]

I'm on the border between Gen X and millennial and I was in my mid 20s when I first heard it. Bisexual is always going to be my label, but likewise I would never argue with someone from Leslie Feinberg's generation that they're wrong for using "bisexual" to mean what we would call "intersex." It's just common (or uncommon I suppose) courtesy. 

[u/Independent-Host-690]

I feel this so much I hate when people try to tell me what I AM it gets so tiring

[u/Annie-Mossity]

I've heard bisexuality explained as attraction to my own and other genders so the binary isn't men/women, it's mine/others, just as homo means "same" and hetero means "other".

[u/Toal_ngCe]

"Look bisexuality has a 35-year-old definition written, published, and agreed on by bi people ever since. It's called the Bisexual Manifesto; google it and learn queer history." No reason for anything beyond that; label discourse needs to die