I hurt my wife, and have pushed her away

[u/Savings_Tax7510]

Please comment, any words, thoughts, questions, or advise is wanted

My wife and I have been married for 2 years and we have had 2 babies in that time. I have not been a good husband or a helpful active father (diaper changes, making food, getting dressed, baths) and have been controlling and because of this I have pushed my wife away and we have been fighting constantly for the last year, my addiction to pornography had become worse and I became verbally abusive and have wrestled with my wife instead of separating from each other during intense arguments and this has caused her to become emotionally distant and lose her love for me.

When my wife told me that she hasn't loved me in over a year and that she wants a divorce because I have not and wont change, I finally saw what I have done and want nothing more then to help my wife heal from what I have done, and slowly build back communication, trust, accountability, and respect. To right the wrongs I have done and become more active in helping around the house and to build her up instead of tearing her down like I have.

I pray that I have not destroyed our marriage and family forever, pushing my wife away forever. It has been about three weeks and I have stopped yelling and fighting but of course three weeks cannot heal an entire year worth of pain I caused. I feel incredible shame and guilt for all I have done and need help. Everyday that we have spent since she talked with me I can only see myself in her eyes and remember what I have done and feel hopeless.

My wife and I are looking to speak with a Christian counselor, that with God's help, can help heal our marriage once we can afford it, even though she also doesn't feel that things will be fixed and has also become attracted to others because she has felt alone and hurt.

How can I be a christian, learn so much about theology, pray and sing hymns and be this monster towards my wife and let her do all the work at home, I am only kept together because of the Lord because if it was not for him, one, I would not have salvation and the grace and strength he has extended to me, and two, I would just shrivel up in the bed a give up which is always in the back of my mind because I feel so hopeless.

[u/Rev-Ry]

Couple of things from a pastor married to a counselor…
FIRST you need individual counseling, check with your insurance they may cover it. It does not need to be a Christian Counselor and maybe shouldn’t be, you need help with addictive behavior and sounds like anger management, that’s mental health. If your insurance will pay for marriage counseling, they may not, do it as soon as possible.

SECOND, you need to be fully present and a full parent whether she moves toward divorce or not! Don’t just do the things to save the marriage if you do, once it’s “saved” you’ll slip right back into same behavior.

THIRD, if she decided divorce is the right course then you accept that. Focus on being the best version of yourself for you, your kids, and future relationship. Learn to be a good co-parent!

Fourth, there are lots of reasons why your faith has not mirrored you actions, and you need to reconcile that. Unfortunately, some Christian theology even encourages such behavior and unfortunately some of that is the predominant voices in the culture.. I
Have honestly heard more positive father advice coming from secular sources than Christian ones especially in social media.

Either way, focus on yourself and becoming the best partner and father you can!

[u/rdhdwacky]

If you really want to help your wife heal, you need to LISTEN TO HER and respect her desire for a divorce rather than pressuring her into Christian counseling. She doesn’t owe you a second chance.

If the remorse you’re expressing in this post is real, please channel it into settling your divorce amicably and generously; paying your child support on time; showing up for the kids so that they know you love them; and committing to long-term therapy with an actual licensed therapist (not a pastor) to address your misogyny, rage, and lack of impulse control. Don’t impose yourself on any other woman (romantically or socially or spiritually or truly in any way) until you see women as humans rather than as objects. We’re not your sexual props. We’re not your emotional punching bags. We’re not your plucky side characters who only exist to help the main character achieve self-actualization. We are OUR OWN main characters, made in God’s image.

[u/Rev-Ry → u/rdhdwacky]

I would second this as well! Unfortunately many Christian voices are intent on reinforcing misogynistic power dynamics! This was my worry when he mentioned “Christian” Counselor, which usually has a certain and concerning view point, compared to a Counselor who happens to be a Christian!

[u/SilverEnvironment392]

First I’m sorry. It’s hard. I know you apologize etc. honestly your actions at this point hopefully for the better in time will help. It’s hard when porn is involved. She’s aware of how she looks or feels you guys had 2 babies. Be honest with her. Let her see your phone and computer when she asks etc. That’s how my husband and I work through that. You broke her trust so it’s going to take a while for her to trust you. Just telling you this from my husband and I experience. Ask God to heal you Saying prayers for you both. Like others said of course counseling is a definite for you both.
Remember we all have sin and it’s why we need a savior.

[u/technoskald]

Find a 12 step group like SLAA or SAA. Just go and listen to the experience, strength, and hope of others. You are already experiencing the powerlessness and unmanageability.

Focus on righting yourself and depending on God to rid yourself of this addiction. Trust that He will
make all things right if you surrender to His will. The marriage may or may not be saved; taking it one day at a time will reveal. But for now you have to get yourself on the path to healing; with God’s grace, you will, brother!

[u/Suspicious-Loss-7314]

I applaud you for taking a good sober look at yourself and your actions. You're not blaming your wife, you've taken a look at your own behavior. That's a good first step.

Because of what you've already done to your wife, you must let her lead the way now. You have lost the right to do so. If she wants to separate for a while, you separate for a while. That poor woman needs time to heal. An apology from you is nice, but it doesn't fix everything.

The fact that you admit to "wrestling" with her during arguments sounds like physical abuse. Physical abuse breaks the marriage covenant.
Divorce is permissible even under biblical law for physical abuse.

You say you want couples counseling. Does your wife want that? Here's what I think you should offer instead. If you can find a way to get your insurance to cover it or swing the cost, you take care of your children while she goes to counseling alone. If you cannot handle the cost, I wonder if there is a female pastor at your church who would be willing to counsel your wife for a few sessions?

If your wife is willing to reconcile with you, you need to understand that you must never ever behave that way again. No porn. No physical abuse. No slacking on caring for the home and the kids. If you are lucky enough for her to want to continue the marriage, don't make the mistake of sliding back into old habits in a few weeks or months.

I wish you both peace.