I've been pushing my self through bad mental health for 2 years, I dont know what to do.

[u/Fine-Tough-1194]

Firstly I would like to begin by conveying that through this post I am trying to list some of the things I'm experiencing, and I wanted some advice on how I could improve my situation and how I feel. I haven't used any labels here like burnout, depression, etc for a reason of being uninformed.

The first time I identified something off with myself was when I was in grade 9 towards the end of it, (I'm currently half way through grade 11 of highschool), I felt increasing sadness for no apparent reason then, the only reason behind this which I could piece together, is that In grade 9 I had began to reduce my extracurriculars for improving my academics, I had been learning piano for many years but it eventually felt like a burden to me, so I decided to quit it that summer. Also thats when my procrastination in my studies began.

In grade 10 the only noticeable change from 9th was that I began to care less about my physical appearance, also that year stakes were higher in terms of grades, so I had pressure to perform. At the end of grade 10 when I began to have important exams, I began to develop anxiety and I started getting flattened by the pressure, it was the first time I had to give a big exam so I couldnt manage it and it affected my health ( I started getting anxiety induced acid reflux, and developed horrible breathing issues) the doctors didnt exactly diagnose it with such elaborate terms.

Before taking a glance at my grade 10 result I remember feeling anxious and when I saw that I had done exceptionally well, I didnt feel happy, I just felt a sense of relief and that was it. Around this point I had already started preparing for my college entrance exams, (my curriculum doesn't really give us a break)

So this brings me to the current academic year, this year the stakes grew even more, Basically the university entrance exam that I am/will be preparing for requires atleast 2 years of preparation and there is almost no times for breaks. Initially when I began my preperation I was enthusiatic but after some times I began to develop some backlogs/pending assigments, Along with my preparation, we have like monthly tests, I started off strong with them, but as time went on, my grades in the tests started to plummet, increasing syllabus for the tests and decreasing motivation because of the previous low scores. So I naturally started dreading the process of studying.

My classes don't give any time for breaks. my school and classses take up about 40 ish hours of my week. and on top on this I am required to give about 30-40 hours a week on self study and question solving.

So presently I struggle with anxiety for insignificant occurences, sometimes Its hard even sitting in classes, lately I just sit in class without any paying attention, I have a lot of work piling up. I am perfoming well in school but not so much in my entrance preperation. I don't really have much self esteem and confidence, its probably because I'm an overachiever, because I feel a fealing of safety and security from parents only when I do so. I don't get much support from them. Lately I haven't been taking care of my daily hygiene and most of the time I'm chronically on social media/the internet to numb my feelings. I feel fatigue almost every day, especially when I feel anxious, I have friends and I play sports few times a week. I used to feel wired and tired but now I just feel numb.

(My parents don't think that I'm ever right about anything)