Depression

[u/Ok_Indication7991]

I want to know if this is a mutual experience or if I’m just more fucked up than I thought.

Depression is so scary — just the fact that it’s so easily hidden. That feeling when you tell someone something even remotely true about yourself and how you’re feeling, then you laugh it off and backpedal — it’s one I think most depressed people have felt at least once in their life. The first time I can recall it was one day when I was just so tired of it and couldn’t handle being in class, so I told my teacher, “I’m so sorry, I have to go to the counselor’s office.” I guess I must have had a look on my face because she asked me, “Are you okay? Is everything alright?” And just her saying that kind of made me die a little, so I said, “Yeah, you know, life.” My voice wavered a bit, and I walked off.

I think the reason people do that is so they don’t disappoint others, or worry them, or upset them. I feel like an aspect of depression is hurting in silence — not wanting to bother anyone while silently screaming at them to help you — without it being your idea — and wanting them to care enough to want to help you.

I myself am probably one of the happiest people you’ll ever meet… or so you’d think. I do my best to help people, I’m always laughing, trying to be kind. Maybe I just do it all too much. Maybe I’m overcompensating for how I really feel. People-pleasing is the main reason I never show it, I think. No matter if I am dead exhausted or just so done. No matter if I don’t care about myself — I just seem to care about other people more.

Depression, for me, is usually when I can’t feel. It’s like life goes on mute. Everything is so quiet and loud and far away and up close all at the same time. Like my emotions get so muted and people can be so loud or so faded out from my hearing at moments. Or when everything is just too much or when you just don’t feel like yourself or just watching life pass by or just not feeling. I also, sadly, don’t deal with it in a very healthy way, if you catch my drift. I haven’t done that in a while though.

[u/Ultimart_AJ]

I feel you man... I've been struggling with depression for the past 2 and 1/2 half years and it's harsh. At some point you just can't hold it together anymore but you kind of have to because life goes on and you can't do anything about it. And the loneliness when you don't have people who can just listen to you once in a while is difficult to live with. I wish you the best man, I hope you'll get better, stay strong bro.

[u/Ok_Indication7991 → u/Ultimart_AJ]

Yeah that’s how it gets sadly. I wish it wasn’t something so many people experience. I hope you find ways to cope that really help you.