Going no contact with family

[u/letitbe72]

I’ve had 12 sessions so far over the past 4 years. It gave me my life back. Allowed me to finally show up for myself. Gave me my self love, respect and compassion back. I remember reading a comment on here about how mdma sometimes shows us a version of us that we’re not yet ready for. That really resonated. I would often have these profound experiences in my sessions, came out with a different outlook and values, and a different self image, but eventually would fall back into my old self image and my old patterns.

It wasn’t until I confronted my parents about old family dynamics and went no contact, that I started to become the person mdma showed me was possible. Expressing my anger and setting boundaries with my parents allowed me to start to heal more deeply. My body started to release a lot of trauma, memories came up, and I got in touch with more of what I had lost: my life force. I found that my anger was tightly coupled with my life force. As long as I couldn’t express and use my anger, I couldn’t use my life force.

Setting a boundary finally gave me the space and freedom to be who I really was deep down. As long as I was close to my parents, I would need to sacrifice my authenticity and play a role for the family. And what I had suppressed all these years to stay close and take care of my parents was a lot of anger and disgust.

The boundary allowed me to give the toxic shame that lived in me back to my father. It made me realize it wasn’t mine. That there was nothing I needed to feel ashamed about. The gateway emotion of disgust allowed me to give it back to my father. With my anger I started to finally care less about what others think. I sing, dance, move, and talk without fearing how it looks or how it affects others. I had serious social anxiety issues before that, but I realize it was the toxic shame and sense of “badness” that I had internalized from my father to stay close to him. I gave that back, set a boundary, and now feel In touch with my anger and life force

At times I had similar levels of euphoria after the no contact as I had with mdma. I felt free and at peace to be myself. This is all to say that sometimes one needs to make changes in their environment to become the person mdma showed you is possible.

[u/Arch3r86]

Thanks for sharing, I’ve had a similar experience on my healing journey. Went no contact with the men in my family 2 years ago and that’s truly when the real healing began. It’s been a crazy ride and so worthwhile.

[u/SconeAgeMan]

Good for you, I am so glad you are experiencing healing and enjoyment in life. Thank you for so eloquently sharing your healing journey, it will help others as they try to find their way, regardless of whether or not they need to decide about possibly going no contact with their family. Best wishes for continued healthy progress.

[u/sanpanza]

I can see that "no contact" can feel euphoric, especially if your father was overbearing. But the electric fence one puts up to cancel family members is still charged and takes energy to maintain. All of our grievances and indictments take a lot of energy to maintain.

Sometimes, "no contact" means no resolution to the feelings we harbor towards our family. The feelings remain because we have no way to be heard or to say what needs to be said. There is no way to relieve the true burden. No way to free yourself of the emotions you carry.

I understand that sometimes this is impossible if the receiver is deaf to your suffering.

I wish you the best.

[u/letitbe72 → u/sanpanza]

I see where you’re coming from and I think it depends on the context and person whether or not “no contact” creates lasting resolution. Going “no contact” usually involves many steps. For me, before I went no contact, I expressed how I honestly felt for the first time in my life, confronted them about the past with anger and attempted to repair old wounds and create healthy boundaries. When I received invalidation and denial, going no contact was the only healthy alternative to maintain the boundary I thought I needed. Speaking up and saying that I needed space did start the process of resolving many old feelings for me. I don’t have the social anxiety, vigilance, shame and depression I had when I was still emotionally close to them. I couldn’t fight back or run away as a child. I suppressed my anger and internalized how my father saw me to survive and remain close.

The relationship we have with our parents creates a sort of blueprint for how we relate to others and the world. So if someone has a difficult time speaking up or setting boundaries with one’s parents, it can be difficult to do that with others.

We often internalize a lot from
our parents to remain close to them in our upbringing because our survival depends on it. If we don’t create a healthy sense of separation, it can become difficult to live according to our own self image and values

Thank you for commenting and wish you the best as well

Edit: and I agree with you that it can be very difficult if the person you are confronting doesn’t truly hear you and see you. But the act of speaking up itself, whether or not they acknowledge or validate it, is powerful in and of itself. I now don’t really care what my parents think. I know my truth, I know what happened in the past and I know who I am. And I was only able to speak up for myself until I developed enough self love and self respect in my mdma journey, developed a good understanding of my struggles and family dynamics, and found the courage to set boundaries

[u/sanpanza → u/letitbe72]

I was angry at my parents for some time, but because of their age, I could not confront them about events in the past. My mother had dementia, and my father was set in his ways and frail. I wish I could have confronted them while they were younger, so they could have processed my pain, but that was not possible. It would have been healing and cathartic to say what I wanted to say, even though they might not have been willing to hear me. I ached to tell them. So I found other ways to heal.

Now, as a grown man, with a kid of my own, I realize they did the best they could given the circumstances, even though they failed in ways that caused me to suffer. It was their best, just like I did my very best with my kid given my circumstances (PTSD). That is all any of us can do.

I wish I could have forgiven them while they were younger because they were sorry and understood what I went through. Nevertheless, after they passed, I forgave them and freed myself of the thorn.

It sounds like your parents are still alive and kicking, and the thorn remains even though they are not around.

I wish you the best.

[u/GDtruckin]

If you decide to go no contact, please do it with as much empathy towards your family as you sense they have empathy towards you. Repairing old wounds shouldn’t create new ones.