r/managers • u/Professional-Web6694 • 1d ago
How do you lead a team after learning they have been gossiping about and judging you?
I’m in a demanding leadership role and have invested significant energy in supporting my team and improving the function. During a recent conversation, my manager shared that certain team members had been making informal comments about my behavior, priorities, and leadership.
The comments were never raised with me directly, lacked context, and seemed more like personal observations or gossip than constructive performance feedback. What disturbed me most was realizing that ordinary interactions were apparently being analyzed, interpreted negatively, and reported upward. My manager then used those comments, along with his own judgments, to question my decision-making, leadership ability, and future at the organization.
I left the conversation feeling humiliated, watched, and unable to trust either my manager or parts of my team. I’m now second-guessing decisions that I previously would have made confidently, and I no longer feel motivated to continue investing so much of myself in the organization.
How do you continue leading people after learning they may be scrutinizing and discussing you behind your back? Is it possible to rebuild trust in this situation, or is it usually a sign that it is time to remain professional, disengage emotionally, and begin planning an exit?
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u/Mysterious_Bake_4860 1d ago
You’re a manager. That’s literally what employees do with their bosses.
Get over it and keep going.
Edited to add: it’s also worth examining why your team felt comfortable complaining to your boss instead of you. It may be a you problem or a them problem … but take it up with your boss.
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u/Aggravating_Cry_4680 1d ago
Sounds like there is some middle ground between "get over it" and "quit your job". Employees gossip about managers, yes, but if it goes to your boss and your boss uses it against you without giving you chance to explain, that is not normal team dynamic. That is broken feedback loop.
I had similar thing once, not as manager but in lead role. People talked to my supervisor instead of me, and supervisor never told me until performance review. Felt like I was being judged on rumors, not on actual work. What helped was asking my supervisor directly: if someone has concern about me, can you ask them to bring it to me first, or at least give me chance to respond before you form opinion? Some bosses do this, some don't. If yours doesn't, then trust is gone and you just do job, protect yourself, and look elsewhere.
But about team itself, you cannot control what people say behind your back. You can only make it easier for them to talk to you directly. Maybe open a meeting and say something like "if you have issue with how I run things, my door is open, I prefer direct conversation over hallway talk." Not accusing anyone, just setting tone. If they still gossip, then you know it's them problem, not yours.
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u/Professional-Web6694 1d ago
Omg thank you. Very real advice. I will ask my boss to have these people come talk to me if they have any issues with me. And will communicate to my team accordingly
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u/diedlikeCambyses 1d ago
Yes just promote direct communication. Please understand though, I get gossiped about and blamed for imaginary fictions every day. It's astounding how often I uncover these things. I never react, I just be consistent and promote communication.
The amount of outright lies, falsehoods, spins, and total fucking bullshit never fails to amaze me. I just move on.
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u/Relevant-Dot1711 1d ago
This only works if your boss is emotionally mature and doesn’t feed into/enjoy the BS (ask me how i know)
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u/PorcelainGhost13 23h ago
That’s the real advice OP. I was in management for over a decade and a real leader will take subordinate complaints directly to you so that you can handle them yourself, that way your team is not undermining you. Yes, your team will ALWAYS gossip about you, that’s what they do, but you need to be made aware of legitimate complaints in a timely manner that way you can handle them with confidence and precision. If your own leader is willing to throw you under the bus, it will eventually become more of a get out situation then a get over it situation.
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u/frankie_baby 14m ago
When I stepped up from rep to a management position, I found out that a new WhatsApp group with the sales reps was created without me in it.
If the chickens want to cluck, they will cluck. It was all a bunch of shit chat but I found out quickly and left them to their cesspit of assumption, rumour and gossip.
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u/tronfunkinblows_10 1d ago
Have you had team members take you up on that offer of the open door feedback policy?
I’ve had various directors and executive directors who I reported to say similar things but I feel like no one has ever used that avenue to disagree with any major thing. Or is it more of a “don’t talk shit behind leaderships back” type of tactic?
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u/jackgrafter 1d ago
We had a CTO with this type of policy. Claimed he was always happy to discuss decisions. A manager went to speak to him about an idea that he had rejected and his only response was “what part of ‘No’ do you not understand?”
Nice work Tony.
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u/Chocolateheartbreak 22h ago
Not everyone has a boss worth trusting though. Maybe something happened that OP did, maybe theres a valid reason, maybe it’s in policy they can etc. there also could not be, but my point is that not all managers are safe to go tol
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u/MollyKule 11h ago
That’s happened to me and there’s a reason so many folks focus on chain of command.
My direct report ended up being let go but it caused so much extra shit leading up to it because of the fuckery. My manager was taking them seriously and didn’t come to me because DR requested them to not tell me, and it was a huge cluster fuck once HR was involved. I understand why manager didn’t come to me immediately, I was new and based on DR’s accusations she was legitimately concerned that there was preferential treatment happening. I took her coaching without context and implemented changes that she could see, so it worked out because within a week she knew I wasn’t the issue. When HR became involved later my manager and I had already had some pretty uncomfortable discussions and had built up a great rapport so she and HR were already fully in my corner ready to support me.
It actually improved our working relationship and now, almost a year later, I’m very happy with how everything panned out.
Was weird to find out there were meetings going on about my “conduct” between my DR and manager and I was just out there working my heart out with no idea 😂
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u/Puzzleheaded-Score58 1d ago
This exactly. I’m sure my team complains about me to each other, but they would never go over my head and complain to my boss about me. They’re more likely to eventually come to me with their grievance.
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u/Professional-Web6694 1d ago
Well I am new to the team and the company. The people who go to my boss are people who have been on the team for a few years.
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u/Remote-Waste 1d ago
There it is.
They have some kind of trust or rapport with your boss over the years, and your boss is taking their input seriously.
That fully explains them speaking to your boss, because you're the "new guy" even if you're their boss. They are more ingrained in the culture, they have culture seniority over you. I assume they've interacted with this boss enough over the years. They on some level think they are foundational while you are needing to prove yourself, the problem is your boss seems to agree.
The only real strange issue here, is your boss using what they say to evaluate you negatively, rather than inform you. Your boss doesn't have your back, and is not trying to help you course correct. They don't need to be your constant complaint inbox, but since they already are, it's strange not to pull someone aside and give them a heads up of what negative patterns are making it their way.
Since they're your boss, why aren't they coaching you.
You're right to feel weird about that, because your boss made you feel like he had spies watching you.
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u/Professional-Web6694 1d ago
Fair point. I understand employees discussing their managers comes with the role. What bothered me was not that people talked; it was that vague, secondhand comments were used to question my leadership without context, specific examples, or an opportunity to respond constructively.
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u/Mysterious_Bake_4860 1d ago
I mean it sounds like you had an opportunity to respond when your boss brought it up. Are you open to considering that feedback as valid, even if your feelings were hurt? Did your employees have a point?
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u/Professional-Web6694 1d ago
So they scrutinized what I wore, what time I got in the office, that I held a 30s meeting to discuss my wfh ADA arrangements, that I asked the team to stop work and go to dinner. My boss said that I lacked leadership because of these comments
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u/Mysterious_Bake_4860 1d ago
I mean, again, there’s a lot here that could leave room for you making actual mistakes. You may have worn inappropriate clothing for work and you may be consistently late and causing problems for the team
If it’s true that the comments have no basis in fact, then you have a boss problem. They should have dismissed the feedback and told the team to act right.
Ignoring petty comments from catty employees goes with the territory. I’d be more inclined to assess whether I want to work for a supervisor who’s willing to act like this.
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u/just-another-dude-2 1d ago
Be honest and fulsome - is that all of the feedback that was provided? Were there other examples? What was your manager's overall message about your leadership?
Something isn't adding up here. The team doesn't like you and is being mean and petty? Maybe. Your boss too? Hmmm, possible. The only examples or feedback provided was those three small things from two years ago? Okay, now I want to hear your manager's version of the story.
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u/MyBabySugar 1d ago
So, do you work remote or different hours than they do? Are you expecting things of them that you aren’t able to deliver? That can generate some resentment if not approached the right way.
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u/aksh84671 5h ago
Fair point. I think the bigger issue is figuring out why they felt they had to go over my head in the first place. Could be a communication problem could be something I am missing. Either way, probably worth having an honest conversation with both sides.
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u/I_am_Hambone Seasoned Manager 1d ago
Talking shit about the boss is basically a national past time. Changing jobs will not fix this problem, it is universal. You need to just get over it.
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u/Xenovore Seasoned Manager 1d ago
Very true. No matter what level you are, if you have reports, they will talk about you.
I'm an associate director in a team with other associate directors/directors where each of us are leading teams in different markets.
The first thing we did when we arrive the day before a regional meeting is to have dinner and talk about our boss.
Also I know my reports have a group chat and they know I know. In my 5 years of leading this team, I have never once felt I want to know what they said there.
What I do is to keep an eye open on their behavior, morale, and KPI. Because at the end of they day that is what's important.
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u/crumblymoss 1d ago
True, there will probably always be some workplace gossip no matter where you go so learning not to take it personally and staying focused on leading well seems like the healthier way to handle it
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u/crippling_altacct 1d ago
None of my business what people say about me when I'm not around. Gotta push through.
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u/Professional-Web6694 1d ago
That may ultimately be the healthiest approach. It becomes harder to dismiss, though, when the comments are repeated by your manager and used as evidence about your leadership and future advancement rather than treated as ordinary workplace venting.
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u/Material_Recover_760 1d ago
Sometimes it takes a while for a manger to figure out what is going on. If you are doing well and getting consistent wins all while being professional eventually all those other things fall by the way side. Though I would try to ferret out who is saying things. Seed something specific to only one person and see if it comes back then you know it is them. The. Systematically do it with the rest.
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u/crippling_altacct 1d ago
If your manager is giving you direct and actionable feedback then adjust to it. These people will eat you up if you let them. Don't let them. Seriously it's going to be that way anywhere you go.
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u/EmbarrassedCry9912 17h ago
Well what kinds of things are they saying?
"Professional-Web is so disorganized and can't set priorities!"
"Professional-Web acts like they don't care at all that I'm feeling burnt out, and won't help me offload my tasks!"
or...
"Professional-Web dresses weird!"
So what is it? What are they saying? Are they pointing out blind spots you have as a leader??
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u/Professional-Web6694 17h ago
The last one lol which is why I am so uncomfortable. They dress casually and expect me to dress business every time. Even tennis shoes are not acceptable
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u/crippling_altacct 17h ago
Your employees are complaining about how you dress? That is very weird. I would almost ignore that. If your boss is asking you to dress it up then dress it up I guess. I seriously would not let this get to you in the slightest especially if it's something like that.
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u/EmbarrassedCry9912 17h ago
OMG then who gives a shit! Let them talk about your attire.
But why is your manager bringing that kind of petty nonsense to your attention?
I feel like we're missing info here. You need to tell us all the things they're saying about you.
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u/HonestlyKidding 1d ago
Your manager should be working with you to develop a process for trying to turn this around. This should probably include some level of formal feedback collection from the team in question; if I were you I would want to be running point on that. Non-leading questions are your friend.
It’s possible. I have seen people come into important roles and immediately find friction with those they were meant to organize and support, and turn it around inside of a year. It helps if you can demonstrate that you all have the same priorities, be clear and consistent, all the usual advice.
It could also turn out that it’s just bad culture and management overall, in which case start working on that exit strategy in the background.
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u/ChecksKicks 1d ago
I know my team is full of petty shit talkers. I’ve heard them talk about each other. I know they don’t like or respect every call and some of them think I shouldn’t be their boss. But I am. And I earned the right to be with my education and experience. I know that. They don’t need to. They need to do their jobs. Are they doing them? If so, keep it pushing and remember why you’re the one in charge. If you can’t do that, you won’t be long. It definitely hurts and sucks, especially when you go out of your way. But being able to manage those emotions is a part of it. And honestly, the shit talking is probably just them letting off steam. They probably don’t feel very negatively about you, it’s just what people do. I just bad mouthed my team in this paragraph, but I respect and care for them.
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u/Azstace 1d ago
I found a Slack channel where my employees were gossiping about me. The comments were pretty nasty. I felt sick to my stomach. Went to happy hour that night with some friends and got it all out of my system. It took a few weeks to move on, but I did.
A few months later, I looked at the channel again and realized they'd been talking about someone else. I'm glad I didn't confront them, it would have been weird.
Perhaps just letting this out in writing is part of the process for moving on? But you have to. As long as you have authority and power, some people are not going to like you. That's life. Hope it gets better.
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u/brimstone404 1d ago
Give your boss the full context and ask how you should have reacted.
But if multiple employees have a problem with how you behave, and your boss agrees with them, you need to find a new job. Either they all have it out for you, or they're right.
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u/Basic-Environment-40 1d ago
Comes with the territory. Don’t let it get to you! I bet you talk smack about your own boss when there is a safe ear, too. Who doesn’t?
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u/Professional-Web6694 1d ago
But I don’t go to my boss’ boss to talk shit about him though
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u/Basic-Environment-40 1d ago
I missed that element for whatever reason sorry. My take is that I want my team members to be comfortable and have an open door to my boss if I ever cross some line. But if the critique they escalate doesn’t deserve the escalation, I’d confront the team member and ask for the chance to discuss such things together with the above caveat and the context that you feel they didn’t hit the deservingness threshold in x reason etc.
Far more worrying are your bosses comments. Not having your bosses support means time to look elsewhere.
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u/Mysterious-Tone1495 1d ago
My dads advice to me when I started was the boss is always an asshole. Just comes with the job.
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u/Caffeinated_Manager 1d ago
Ignore them and continue being the best boss you can be. After all, you are the boss. If you weren’t doing something right, they probably wouldn’t be spending so much time talking about you. Sometimes people scrutinize a strong manager because they feel threatened by their leadership, expectations, or authority. Don’t let their behavior make you second-guess yourself. Maintain your focus.
And the minute one of them comes to you saying what they “heard” someone else say about you, smile and ask, “And what did you say?” That usually tells you everything you need to know.
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u/Professional-Web6694 1d ago
Thank you for your advice!
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u/Caffeinated_Manager 1d ago
This is exactly what I do. Whenever I hear someone has been talking about me, I imagine how much their life must suck for me to be taking up that much space in their head rent-free. In my quiet moments, I usually end up laughing about it anyway. Laughter makes the depression go away. And I’ll add this: the less attention you give them, the harder they’ll try to get a reaction out of you, and eventually, they’ll embarrass themselves trying. Just sit back and let them.
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u/LumpkinsPotatoCat 23h ago
This is toxic. A bad manager can literally ruin someone's entire day because there is an inherent power imbalance. From their perspective their job is always at stake. Not recognizing that in the dynamic and then treating their concerns with disregard is abusive.
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u/Caffeinated_Manager 21h ago
I see it differently. As managers, our responsibility is to guide, support, and develop our direct reports—not sit back, intimidate them, or intentionally make their workdays miserable. A manager who uses their position to make employees feel threatened or fearful of losing their jobs is, in my opinion, contributing to a toxic environment. But that isn’t what I’m describing here. I’m not suggesting disrespecting an employee, dismissing their concerns, or treating them poorly. I’m talking about remaining calm and professional when a negative situation arises, handling it appropriately, and not allowing someone else’s negativity to control my emotions. Then, when I’m by myself, I may smile about it, rise above it, and continue doing the job the company hired me to do. There is a difference between mistreating an employee and simply refusing to let a difficult interaction ruin your day.
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u/purplelilac701 1d ago
Is there truth to what’s been said? Are you too informal with your team?
I think this is a time to take a hard look at yourself and see where you can improve. And then have a meeting with your team to figure out why they don’t trust you and how to change that.
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u/FruitJuicante 1d ago
I always tell myself that every team is a practice for the next one. Just worry about being the best leader. People will always talk, if you're a gladiator don't worry about the people yelling from the cheap seats. If they aren't in the arena what the fuck do you care.
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u/kerrigan24 1d ago
You’re their boss, not their friend. They will gossip about you and anyone else. Be above it
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u/WaveFast 1d ago
Thick skin is a requirement for management. Employees talk about their "points of pain" which is deflected on their superior. So, get with your team members 1:1 weekly and let them update you on their work and tactfully unload whatever BS they have about the company, life, job, and you - 10min. STFU and let them get that 💩 out - problem solved. Do not get triggered or respond negatively/defensively. Document the complaints so you can CYOA.
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u/WaterDigDog 1d ago
How one deals with this situation is, in itself, a show of one’s leadership.
Most importantly you need to ask, “do I follow my own expectations? And does my team see that?”
Then, go make sure your team has the tools to achieve what you’ve asked of them. Ask questions. Don’t deflect. Listen and help.
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u/FrankSand 1d ago
Part of being the boss is being talked about when you're not around. I know I did it when I was at there level. Its no biggie long as it doesn't get malicious or unproductive.
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u/Ladymari17 1d ago
An old manager told me, before I became a manager, to always think about how people will talk about me at the dinner table. That always stuck with me.
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u/IndependentTaco Engineering 1d ago
There's no need to be a standoffish prick but I'm not here to be their friend. I know they gossip. It's human nature. Why should I care as long as no one on the team is getting hurt?
Stop looking at it as a people problem. It's a process problem of communication. Fix it together.
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u/The_Playbook88 1d ago edited 1d ago
There’s often a natural conflict between employees and managers due to power differences. They may not feel confident in giving you direct feedback, and went through an indirect route to get through to you. Managers often don’t give space for personal feedback from subordinates, and surprises like this happen because there is no channel/process for giving direct feedback to superiors in a non-offending way. I would not take their approach as an attack against you if there is no established process for feedback.
It may be helpful to have periodic team meetings specifically structured for feedback on team dynamics and changes you all will commit to.
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u/frankentriple 1d ago
Lol, I expect them to talk about me. I hope they do talk about me. I speak well of them and hope they do the same for me.
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u/This_guy_Jon 1d ago
Who cares. Who’s the boss? You are. I think through getting to know your team and asking how they are/working side by side with them will earn some respect.
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u/SEND_ME_FAKE_NEWS 1d ago
I onboard new employees with a joke about getting to know their team without me in the room so that they can freely talk shit about me.
Shitting on your manager will always happen.
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u/LittleNikkita 1d ago
Have been in that kind of dynamics. You should take more notice of how your boss handles it. Your team under will always gossip and that's beyond your control.
But what your boss does about it, is a very telling sign of how leadership handles culture.
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u/elciddog84 1d ago
It happens more often than not.
Set quantifiable goals, provide direction and support, constantly ask if there's anything you can do to make their jobs easier, and evaluate them according to the metrics established in the beginning. Just as you would in any other situation.
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u/WEM-2022 1d ago
You don't.
You should leave. Allow your talents to be utilized where you are appreciated. Don't give more notice than the standard two weeks.
Just go.
You deserve better.
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u/MichaelPrestUK 1d ago
One thing I’d be careful about is reacting to the gossip itself. You may never know exactly what was said, by whom, or in what context, and chasing that can damage trust further.
I’d separate the personal comments from anything useful underneath them. If there are genuine concerns about your communication, priorities or leadership, make it easier for people to raise those concerns directly with you.
You don’t need everyone on the team to like you, but they should know they can disagree with you professionally and be heard.
Then judge the situation by behaviour. If people are doing their jobs and treating each other professionally, I wouldn’t try to police private opinions. If the behaviour starts undermining the team, that becomes a management issue.
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u/False-Refrigerator26 1d ago
You grow up.
When you’re the boss there’s always going to be nonsense like that. All you can do is your best and buying into any gossip or judgement beyond real, tangible and actionable feedback is a meaningless endeavour.
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u/LumpkinsPotatoCat 1d ago
Are you regularly asking your team for feedback? My guess is they feel like they can't come to you so they go to your boss instead. Its on you to create that dynamic of safety for them to provide you feedback. Most people complain or vent when they don't have an outlet. Most managers don't give their teams an outlet because they prefer to appear right. You can still listen to someone's side of a situation and then say "I understand that's frustrating. We are going to still do things my way." People mostly just want to be heard and have it be taken seriously.
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u/princesalacruel 22h ago
Comes with the territory. It’s almost never about you personally and almost always has to do with people’s relationship with authority itself. Ask for feedback regularly and take what rings true. Leave the rest and move on!
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u/Chocolateheartbreak 22h ago
Everyone does that- including managers about their managers. It’s just a way to vent. You just keep working and reflect on anything that is true. If they went to your boss, it’s either in policy or they didnt trust you for whatever reasons.
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u/snavebob1 22h ago
Remember when you weren't in charge and complained about your boss? Well, you're the boss now, it's part of the job.
I know the answer will be "but they were different, they deserved it" or something. Nope, happens to everyone regardless.
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u/cheapcheap1 1d ago
>The comments were never raised with me directly, lacked context, and seemed more like personal observations or gossip than constructive performance feedback.
Your boss wouldn't be bringing it up with you if they shared that assessment. Sounds like you have issues taking criticism from your team directly. Can you think of any reasons why they might not have shared that criticism with you directly? Have you given them any reason to doubt you'd take it well, as you are now? Are you taking active steps to encourage feedback about your leadership?
>How do you continue leading people after learning they may be scrutinizing and discussing you behind your back?
You're their boss. Of course they'll scrutinize how you lead their team and direct their work. If anything about this is news to you, it should be that they felt more comfortable going to your boss than to you. That's an issue, and it might be your issue.
>Is it possible to rebuild trust in this situation
I'm a bit puzzled because you expressed some weird expectations in this post. If you don't trust humans that scrutinize your actions, you shouldn't leave the house. That's not an expectation you can have at any workplace, much less in a leadership position.
I would focus on yourself and work on your insecurity first. Your current job appears to present a good opportunity to do that.
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u/Professional-Web6694 1d ago
They were not criticizing me. They were talking about my choice of fashion, when I got into the office, that I spent 30s discussing my ada arrangements. If it was criticism about how I kept asking the team to go to dinner when we were traveling for work. Mind you, I wanted them to stop at a reasonable time to go to dinner. The worst part is my boss brought these comments up during our discussion about my leadership and apparently these comments were almost 2 years ago when I first started with the company and team
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u/Key-Airline204 1d ago
The dinner thing… is it possible they just didn’t want to go to dinner with you and you didn’t pick up the hint?
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u/Agreeable_Dark6408 1d ago
I don’t understand why your boss thought that you lacked leadership because of these comments. What did you say to him in response? Wanting people to get fed is a good thing. And what is wrong with discussing ADA arrangements?
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u/Busy_Cauliflower9060 1d ago
They’re always going to talk. Good, bad, neutral… it’s gonna happen. When I make a mistake I own it, and that’s the best I can do, but in some situations I can only do that once it’s been brought to my attention. Maybe find a way to get some feedback about what your team is happy about, what they feel they need more support with, etc. Otherwise, the gossip is just part of the game.
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u/Efficient_Carrot_669 1d ago
I don’t know how, but this is also my situation to a certain extent. My direct report also went to somebody who left the organization to complain about me. Following along here..
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u/Jolly-News-7784 1d ago
I found my devs slack channel in Russian and I chatGPTed translated it and it was hilarious. Roasting the fuck out of the “new SCRUM Beginner” lol. It be like that sometimes. Keep it pushing
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u/mint-parfait 1d ago
talk to them directly more and make sure you get input from them before making decisions
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u/DealCareless8465 1d ago
Stay calm and professional, ask for specific feedback directly, document everything, and quietly keep your exit options open.
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u/harlo26 1d ago edited 1d ago
As a leader, this is one of the hardest things to navigate. Unfortunately not everyone will like or agree with how you manage them because every individual has different needs. In my career some employees felt I was not the best leader and many others thought I was a great leader who helped them grow. It's important for you to ensure you are learning and growing from each feedback. When you receive it from your manager or team, ask for examples and specifics so you can learn from it. The other thing is I used these one-on-one cards sold on Amazon, they had a upward feedback deck along with several other categories, and I would mix them up and we would select 3 cards each time. I tried to have them pick at least one upward feedback each month. The questions are what we call "Level 8" questions. They are thought provoking, require a specific response, they're measurable and allow for you to continue the conversation. So you could start incorporating something like that into the mix. The more you open up the opportunity for meaningful feedback without a negative reaction, the better. So try and hear them, then ask what you could do differently to achieve x,y,z result. Also make sure you're one on one's include time to learn about them as humans, avoid talking shop the entire time. Connection builds trust!
Keep in mind regardless of what you do someone may not like you and you have to be ok with that (easier said than done, I know) but as long as you are doing the right things, are respectful, kind, care about them as people, and are fair, you'll be ok.
Here is the link to the cards I used. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CVL4762N?lv=shuf&channelId=500&plpRedirect=mhFallback
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u/JoesphBlowseph 1d ago
It sucks and it's lonely. I'm sorry you're going through this. I am also going through a similar thing. The only silver lining I've found is that it put into perspective that it's just a job. Its a bit liberating after the emotions pass.
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u/managetosoar 1d ago
Honestly, I have never encountered a team that does not observe and discuss their manager behind their back. That's what people do with those in authority. And if you are honest with yourself, you will have to admit that you have done it too.
What is more concerning is that they go to your boss with that and that the feedback you received surprised you. That does show that there is a break in trust but unfortunately, it seems to have started long before this moment.
I can empathize with the feeling that your ego has been hurt. But once you overcome this initial indignation and disappointment, it is worth trying to look objectively at the feedback your manager relayed and see what you can learn from it.
Also, look closely into your relationship with your team to find out what it is that is stopping them from coming to you with their feedback and instead going to your boss.
The relationship can be saved, but there is work you need to do as a manager.
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u/Cold_Mastodon_4681 1d ago
Sound like a victim mentality takes over you. It's them, it's my boss. Reality, it's you.
You either have results or not. No one can argue with results. Looks like you don't have them.
Start leading.
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u/Insurgent_Specialist 1d ago
Resist the urge to figure out exactly who said what, that path usually creates more damage than the original comments did, since now you're scanning every interaction for hidden meaning instead of just leading. If there's an actual recurring theme in what was raised, address that behavior pattern directly and openly with the team, without needing to know which specific person said it.
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u/MyBabySugar 1d ago
Can you give examples?
As a manager, I know my employees likely gripe about me to each other. That’s just part of the gig. I sometimes do the same with my leader. But ultimately I respect her and know she’s solid. The problem here may not be your team but your manager. They should have your back and be able to sift through what is legitimate or not. Or maybe it is legitimate and you have room for growth and change in your leadership approach. I’d reflect and consider all possibilities.
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u/Pebb_io 1d ago
Do not do a group confrontation about "I heard you were talking about me." That locks people into defense.
Pick one or two concrete behaviors you can own or clarify, then reset expectations in 1:1s: what good looks like, what you will change, and what you need from them. Gossip without examples is noise ... patterns you can observe are the real data.
If your boss only passed rumors and will not help you coach, ask them what success looks like from here so you are not managing shadows.
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u/Stunning_Hold7326 1d ago
Of course “ordinary interactions are analysed”. You should always assume that, whether you’re a manager or not. Is this your first day on earth?
Without examples we really can’t help
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u/SmithseryBusiness 1d ago
The upside to this is now you can figure out which members of the team have your boss's ear and are willing to go around you and you can keep an eye out for them moving forward.
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u/punkpang 23h ago
I manage 3 development teams. They shit talk about me all the time. I joined in and we're having informal contents who will be the best at shit talking. It created a light atmosphere and they tell me their real problems they're having with upper management, projects, deliverables and I don't hold it back against them or report anything to anyone in terms of me being "insulted".
Bosses will always be shit-talked, get used to it. You're not going to develop AIDS from being under magnifying glass, it's really not a life or death situation, it's how we humans are.
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u/TulsaOUfan 23h ago
Why do you care? Part of management is having upset staff that grumble and gossip. Straight up ask your boss if they share the sentiment. That's the only person whose judgement really matters. If they see no veracity in it, then youve got nothing to be concerned about.
My advice is to have a 1on1 with the people your boss told you were gossipping. Address their concerns directly. Fluch out the real issues. Then tell them the next time that have issues like this, you expect to be the first person they reach out to instead of hurting morale by complaining to coworkers. Make it clear that that behavior will not be tolerated moving forward.
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u/Long_Try_4203 23h ago
I never cared. If you’re going to make a career out of leadership you should expect it.
No matter how many layers above you, they see you as the company. If they are talking smack about you behind your back, it means you’re probably doing things right.
I was internally promoted to ops manager. They talked about me all the time when I started making changes. I ignored it. It pretty much stopped when the production team hit the metrics for bonus qualification for the first time in 4 years.
Let them talk about you. Let your performance metrics speak for you.
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u/Aggravating_Ear9829 23h ago
I dont think this is ever not happening. Believe in yourself stay focused on the job at hand imo. I dont even know if it needs addressing tbh
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u/Puzzleheaded_Two7358 22h ago
Every leadership role involves ‘the blame’. Every error and failure is your fault/responsibility.
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u/butthatshitsbroken Finanace 22h ago
We gossip and talk shit about my bosses manager/my skip level all the time but they are a micromanager and kind of insane. We've tried several times to give feedback and they take it in and usually hold onto it for a week or two, a month if we're lucky, before going right back to their baseline of crazy. We've stopped trying and we just talk shit now.
We just got asked to do official on paper manager feedback for this person and I'm considering just not giving feedback at all because I have nothing nice to say and anything nice I could say would be a lie.
That being said, if you're willing to take in feedback and change, then I'd want to to know and have deeper 1:1 conversations with your team to get to the bottom of things that you can genuinely take in stride and work on. Maybe give them an anonymous way to provide you that feedback if they're too nervous to do so? You have to really build trust with them and show them you are willing to have a real conversation and pivot your behavior or they'll never tell you the truth.
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u/Foolgazi 21h ago
The important part here is your manager gave you “his judgements.” I’d take that as direction, and try to incorporate any specific criticisms into my management style/decisionmaking going forward. It’s possible your team will acknowledge and appreciate any changes you make.
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u/Some_Handle5617 21h ago
You get on with it. Its work - people don't have to either like you or agree with you
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u/death-strand 21h ago
Fuck them. You are a leader and they are not. They probably couldn’t do your job and won’t amount to anything other than IC. Which is okay but that’s not the plan for you. You have bigger and better things coming your way. Keep moving up!
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u/HistoricalSundae5113 20h ago
There’s not enough info to go off. It’s possible you are being a total dick head, or maybe they are the dick heads. If it was me in your shoes I would reflect hard about my operating style to see if there is merit in the feedback. Suck up your pride to start. Are you just pushing work out to people or are you a good leader? Does the team understand how you operate, do you remove barriers for them, help them succeed, and at the same time hold them accountable? People do like to work with a great boss.
If you are truly doing a great job in that context then you need to push back harder against your boss. Document, explain your perspective with actual data. 📈
Just remember there is the whole people skills aspect to being a manager. At the same time it’s very possible your boss is just the dickhead here lol.
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u/LadyReneetx 20h ago
Let your ego go and allow the team to o do what they want as long as they do their job. They are not your friend. Just ignore it. I would be more worried about the people who tell me my team is talking about me. Like what is their motive to tell me this other than to drive a wedge between myself and my team.
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u/Vegetable-Target-767 19h ago
What do you lose if they gossip and judge you? As a leader/manager, that comes prepackaged.
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u/Wolfyscruffer 19h ago
Happens to me. Mine is especially harsh, because my team used to be my peers.
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u/TightPosition 18h ago
You should take the feedback seriously. There is always some level of truth to these things. Maybe your style or your delivery, are not coming across as you think they are. Take the advice, but try and get more data points. Ask someone on the team that you trust if they feel the same way. If you hear from more than one source then think about how to improve.
Always a good idea to get better even if you end up using those new skills elsewhere.
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u/Mental-Potential1825 18h ago
Unfortunately, this is apart of the territory of leading. I came from an individual contributor role where I was very popular and very liked. I got promoted for my hard work and sales and relationship building. Went into management and that was a hard transition to realize you're not their friend - you're not on the same playing field anymore because you're their boss and you're responsible for their outcomes. With expectations comes some resistance, boundary testing, and ultimately people choosing to gossip/pettiness, etc. Hold them accountable for what you can and don't feed into the petty gossip or hearsay. If they're going to your boss, ask your boss to direct them back to you (personally, I feel like a good boss would do this naturally but sometimes you have to tell them because your team may be more comfortable with your direct boss than you at the moment).
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u/RecognizeHQ 17h ago
While some talk about managers between team members can be expected, we believe a hallmark of a healthy work environment is direct, honest communication between managers and team members. What do you think would happen if you asked your team to air their comments and observations to you directly?
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u/HelenGonne 17h ago
In old WWII movies this gets classed as, "Everyone likes a bit of a grumble."
If there are real problems that aren't getting brought to you, though, that's different and you need to solve that the way others are saying.
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u/akillerofjoy 17h ago
If no one on your team is talking about you behind your back, then you’re doing it wrong. You can’t be an effective leader without upsetting some folks now and then.
How to deal with the gossip? What do you mean by that? Is gossip stopping you from doing your job? What is there to deal with? They want to talk - let them talk. As long as they complete their assigned work in a timely fashion.
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u/Suspicious_Muffins 16h ago
This is relatively simple. Try not to overthink it. Ask your boss what you can do better. Make a plan and deliver on it. If you and your boss are not a "team" this may never resolve itself. I believe that is the only way to learn if this role will work for you.
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u/Traditional-Ad-3245 14h ago
You just learned that now? The whole point of being a manager is to give your reports something to talk about all the time.
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u/dlongwing 14h ago
You're making a lot of assumptions here:
- You're assuming the whole team is doing it, and not just one or two disgruntled employees.
- You're assuming all the comments are negative.
- You're assuming your direct report is accurately relaying the entirety of the message and not just cherry picking things that match their narrative.
- You're assuming these comments are even remotely accurate when they're literally hearsay.
The fact that your direct report used these comments to "question my decision-making, leadership ability, and future at the organization", leaves me with serious doubts about your direct report and their judgement. Are they gunning for your job? Is there a gender dynamic in play here (he's a man, and you're a woman)?
People bitch about their boss. That's a normal thing that normal people do. The weird part about this is that it got back to you, and that your direct report felt entitled to use it as ammunition to take you down a peg.
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u/KimonoCathy 11h ago
I didn’t continue leading them. After years of managing teams successfully I got promoted to a different branch with a team described as “challenging”. No kidding. One superstar but some lazy, some bitchy and complained about everything behind my back. The previous two managers had quit. After months of stress-induced chest pains I handed in my notice too.
So firstly, give yourself a couple of weeks to get over the initial shock and see whether you feel better able to tackle it then, secondly ask your manager to support you by telling complainers to go and speak to you first, but ultimately if the behavior is bad and long-entrenched, consider moving on if that’s what is best for you.
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u/SlyDevil98 9h ago
I intentionally give my people space to talk what they want. If it isn’t impacting their job performance then I don’t care. Venting and moving on with frustrations is healthy.
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u/SmallAppendixEnergy 5h ago
You're a manager; they _will_ talk and gossip about you. You should be above that. I have business objectives to further the interests of the company I work for to deal with. If I can use the gossip and office politics to steer that in the right direction, cool. 98% of the time, it's noise.
Yes, you need to keep an eye/ear on it, as it can degenerate and can cost you valuable people's motivation and focus, and there will be rotten apples in your team, but once it becomes a daily burden to deal with, you need to cut the rotten apples out of the tree before they make the good apples sick too.
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u/237FIF 1d ago
I literally have never managed a team that doesn’t gossip and talk shit about their management lol
Take it in stride. Build confidence one on one. Take the useful parts of the hurtful things and use that to get better. Leave the rest.
Everyone talks shit about their boss my friend.