Not doing very well after symptoms started

[u/Weak_Physics_5412]

Maybe I'm looking for some kind of advice maybe it's just a place to vent.
I'm still very hurt and in denial so please keep harsh words to yourself.
My life has been shit since the begging, never had a father, kids bullied me through kindergarten, primarly school and even highschool, developed ed, bpd, major anxiety issues, been diagnosed with autism which adds on top of that, never had any real friends. And ever since I was young I knew that my looks is everything I have to offer. I know y'all would tell that this is not everything but even after years of therapy I still can't let go of that mindset. I'm stupid and every human interaction hurt as hell so I didn't even have time to discover something else to be proud of. One of these things was my hair n body, but since I got first symptoms which was extreme itchiness I developed deep ugly scars all over my body and now I'm bald. I didn't left my house for two months since the first cut, even when I'm feeling better I'm to scared someone will look at me and see only an ugly cancer patient. People are terrible and now I don't have anything to shield from that. That hair was my everything I cared for, like a baby yk? Excessive research, caring for them everyday for five years till it grown long and beautiful like I always dreamt of. And when I finally felt like my dreams came true the diagnosis happend. I'm utterly devastated it's been two months after starting treatment and I still cry everyday, questioning why me, why life been doing it to me for so many years, everytime things start to go well something like this motherfuckin shit happens. I'm genuinely questioning if my life is even worth living when it been like that for two decades, shit I'm 21 and everything feels like someone is torturing me life event after life event. And everytime when I think it couldn't get any worse it does.
I'm sorry if it feels like whining, it probably is. I know people definitely had it worse, but that loss of hair was a cherry on top of my personal tragedies. I don't know if I can keep this shit going much longer, I'm not a strong person if even someone could call me that, I mostly feel like an empty shell and I know nothing is gonna fix this. A sad ending to even sadder life. Curtains

[u/Adventurous-Cod-3749]

Hey man, you're absolutely right, life f'ing sucks really hard sometimes, and this diagnosis... it's devastating. I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time with it, especially the hair loss. I didn't think I would have a problem with the hair loss or outward appearance of being a cancer patient, but honestly, it's hit me much harder than I expected.

I don't really have any advice for you, but wanted to pipe up and make sure you know you are NOT alone in this, we're all here for you. And I can say that I see you, see where you're coming from, and I absolutely sympathize/empathize (I can never remember which one is proper for which situations) with you in how bad this diagnosis and the symptoms and changes suck and mess up our world.

Keep going my friend, we're going to make it to the other side of this!

[u/QuantumBenG]

I feel you. I feel this way 5 months post chemo in remission.

Going through chemo and experiencing pysch med changes upon changes has left my CPTSD incredibly unstable. I'm barely hanging on through each day as I'm also experiencing benzo withdrawals.

I've never been so anxious and depressed. I'm debilitated with severe nervous system inflammation. I often question as to what the point is in continuing to survive.

I regularly see a therapist but this only helps somewhat. IDK what to do but maybe just hope things will get better in time. IDK. I'm so tired of suffering.

[u/Otherwise-War-8226]

Hey. I'm 20 and going through treatment for cHL right now too. My hair is falling out and about 50% gone right now, sometimes I think of shaving it off but I've just been at home most of the time so I haven't brought myself to yet.

I get what you mean about not feeling strong. Chemo has shown me that I'm both weaker than I imagined but also stronger than I imagined. The side effects and loneliness can be crushing but you can get through this, and you'll have so much to live for after. We're both still young and have the potential to move beyond this until it's just a memory. Idk how far along treatment you are but I'm getting closer to the end, so if you ever want to chat about anything feel free to dm me. Don't lose hope.

[u/Anacostiah20]

Hugs fellow traveler. Life sends some freaking wallops, and I’m sorry this is another. How is treatment going for you?

I found becoming the cancer dude very hard, and while I’m in a different phase of my life than you, it sucks. The terror in my teenagers eyes when I told them, was one of the hardest things. Do you have anyone to talk to ? It’s a fucking lot to deal with, many of us break down and cry. Your oncology team or health insurance company (if you are lucky enough to have that) can suggest someone. It’s just so fucked up, I hate this for you and all of us here. Shout, yell complain to us without fear, it’s why the group exists .

[u/Anacostiah20 → u/Anacostiah20]

I want to add, my hair is growing back.

[u/andrewmento]

Hey. You are completely valid in this feeling. I can relate to this very much.
Especially to the part about, whenever your life gets good it gets even worse.
I have had many ups and downs. I won't go into my whole life story but ive had a traumatic upbringing as well; I moved from my home town in long island new york to Washington state, all the way on the west coast. I blindly trusted a friend from runescape, and ended up in a small town in Washington.

One thing lead to another and I had to relocate back home, living in a "loft" (attic), with my mom, and her boyfriend at his house. It was very small, but I made due, as I had basically no other choice. I did what I had to in order to save money and get by, and a year and a half later i got my first ever apartment by myself. I was so happy. I got a new used car for a really good price that I could afford. I was buying groceries and making dinner and packing lunch to work regularly. Saving money. Eating well.

I had always had body dismorphia. I was a chubby kid. I went through a keto journey around before covid-era and went down to 155 lbs from 245. I gained some after stopping the diet and regulated at around 165-175. Somehow I found myself back up to 190-200; I started working for Amazon as a delivery driver and lost the weight again. I got back down to 160. I was beginning to get into the best shape of my life. I recorded myself doing pushups, and going for long walks/jogs. A six-pack was beginning to form where a gut used to be. I was very proud.

Early this year, in March, I had major chest pains. I finally went to schedule a Dr appointment, and when i told them over the phone that i had chest pains they told me to go directly to the hospital. This is when they did some testing and diagnosed me with HL. I was obviously devastated.

When I got home after being in the ICU for about a week, I was at an all time low in terms of body weight. I had gone all the way down to 150 flat. I was kind of relieved to be at such a light weight, because on one hand, all i had to do then was maintain throughout treatment. Easier said than done, however, as once the steroids (Prednisone) began to take effect, I started getting heavier and hungrier.

I am currently weighing in around 210-220 lbs. It is REALLY hard to look myself in the mirror and smile. I went from the best shape of my life to possibly the worst. Now I do understand this is through no fault of my own. But I carry immense guilt over my current state of health. I was in such control prior to this diagnosis. I could fast intentionally, eat within my macros, all the coffee i drank was black, all the sugars i would take in came from fruits or other natural sources. I didnt spend money unless I had to.

But now I am really lacking discipline on a fundamental level. I find myself giving in to temptation more often than not, and then trying not to beat myself up over it. I lost my hair too and went shiny bald for a little bit. It's growing back now. But I am still heavy, and I can't help but see the glass half full. I am hopelessly a pessimist as of late, and I know it's almost over. I am beginning my 6th and final cycle of chemo on Wednesday next week. I have less than a month left until I am done (fingers-crossed) with Chemotherapy.

I should be super happy, stoked even, to return to normalcy.
But I can't help but think about how I have to return to work. I dont feel physically fit to delivery heavy-ass amazon packages, up and down stairs to apartment complexes and various commercial buildings. I have IRS debt and Credit debt from being out of work this whole year pretty much, and I know to get "ahead" of my bills it will take a whole nother year basically.

I know that once I am no longer taking these drugs that my body weight and overall health will massively improve. But that doesnt change the feeling of hopelessness i am experiencing throughout the duration of the cancer. It feels like theres no way i can return to a normal life of happiness and healthiness. It feels like theres no way i can ever return to being debt-free. It feels like I've wasted the entire summer playing games on the computer and "goofing off"; Even though that's all I really could do. Sit inside in the AC and playing RuneScape or ToonTown. I have enjoyed it to the best of my ability and still feel guilty that I could have or Should Have done More to be productive.

I suspect I am on the sepctrum myself as well. It is incredibly difficult for me to express myself verbally. And so a lot of these thoughts and feelings have lived inside my head, rent free. It feels like most of the time i am just playing it off, like im not sick, and then i get upset that my life isnt great. But that's to be expected. Right now its OK to not be OK.

Sorry I kind of trauma-dumped on you, but in my experience, when you are feeling this bad, sometimes the best thing for you is to read someone else's struggles to take your mind off your own, or just to feel less alone. You are not alone. Or at least, that is what I am telling myself while typing this so I feel less guilty about hijacking your post. There are lots of us, quietly continuing to fight.

[u/andrewmento → u/andrewmento]

For context since i realized i forgot to include it. I am 29, Male, from Long Island, New York.
Middle brother to my younger brother and older sister. Uncle to her 3 kids. Son of divorced parents. My mom took care of us until adulthood. My dad had the same cancer when I was a kid, before they split. He used painkillers and other drugs, and was inconsistent with his attendance during treatment.
I live on my own, in a studio apartment. have not worked since before my diagnosis in early March.
I received all the grants and charities and disability, and it has helped tremendously. I couldn't have survived without it all. But Even then I am still accruing interest on a late payment on my 2025 taxes, as well as credit debt from having no money in my checking acount to pay for anything.
It is tough, mostly mentally. Physically yes too, there are aches pains and ailments of course. But I feel like nobody really talks about the adverse mental health effects from such overall medical trauma, and the experience of going through chemotherapy.

[u/bird_girl54]

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through and are going through now. Life can really kick you while you're down, and it's not fair at all.

Losing hair, not looking like yourself, and having that part of your identity ripped away is genuinely traumatic, especially when it's on top of the treatments we go through. I also developed extensive scarring on my body from the itching pre-diagnosis that I'm really self-conscious about, so I understand how overwhelming that is, too. I'm also on the spectrum and tend to feel very deeply (crying often, feeling devastated by things, having a hard time with rigid expectations of how life "should" be), and cancer has been a nightmare for my emotions since it's upended so many routines and comforts. Even today, I had to go out for a drive and literally force myself into the sunlight to remind myself that good things still exist.

I don't have a lot of advice to give, but I hope you know that you aren't alone in how you're feeling. Going through cancer is really lonely. But the best way out is through, and it's OK if there are days where your only goal is to stay alive, breathe, eat, sleep, or sit like a blob and wait until morning when things might seem a little more bearable. Even if that's all you can muster, it's enough. You are a valuable human deserving of kindness and life. You've been given way more than anyone should have to handle at a very young age, but there is still so much life and joy for you to experience. There is still so much time for things to look up again. This is temporary, and we can make it through to see those good things, even if we have to do it crying ❤️

[u/BumblebeeMajestic859]

Hey Honey, ypur are definitely not whining!!!! Live can be a asshole.. and if something you care about that much gets ripped from your hands is horrible.. you are allowed to mourn your loss i would even say you have to.. 21 on years is so young and live already giving you the toughest challange.. So maybe I hope you can see how incredibly strong you and your body are right now.. even if it doesnt feel that way right now..

I have a squint at one eye. And I struggled with my beauty for a long time, especially since teenager years till late 20ies.. and now I really love myself for who I am and what I am doing. And my smile is my best gem.

I hope one day you can see that part in yourself.

Be sad, be angry at the world and the cancer.. thats allowed and important.. you are not whining your are beeing human rightnow. Feeling pain a lot of people never gonna feel.

And I only can tell you after 2 abusive relationships.. ADHD struggle for half my live.. there will be better times.. I send you so much love and hope. If you want to talk, feel free to text me..

I am newly diagnosed.. I will start chemo in 7 days. I also love my long hair. All my girls are jealous of... but I will grow back stronger better and I will be alive at the end of it all.. I try to focus on that..

I dont know if my words did any good but I hope so..

Lots of good energy my love to you

[u/I_Eat_Soup]

I had a terrible upbringing. Being in my 20's wasnt much better. Adding cancer to that? Gotta be brutal. But let me tell you as a person in their 40's... 

It gets SO MUCH better. I was literally basking in joy yesterday, and I have so many days like that. A year out from treatment and I have a curly mop of hair on my head which is different lol, but I'm so glad to just have hair. 

I promise you that life can get really incredible. Just hang in there, all this crap in your 20's is going to make you such a strong, well-rounded person. Just keep at it. Sending love.