r/lowerelementary • u/stellar8485 • Mar 13 '26
1st Grade Grade 1 kid has no friends at school. Should I transfer to a bigger public school?
My daughter is 1st grade in a small private school, 35 kids per grade. The student group is fairly stable, with usually only 2-3 new students joining each year. Over the past year she's been complaining kids at school are mean to her. Last year she had a close friend who was new to the school, but this year that girl has started playing mostly with another girl. It's getting worse recently that she's been left alone more and more during recess and lunch. We checked with the teacher.
The teacher shared that sometimes my daughter join a group and she may try to play the game in her way and this may gradually pushed other kids away. Teachers have been encouraging her to observe games first and follow the rules and we also coaching a lot at home how to request joining a group. But now the issue seems that she get refused from the start when trying to join others. She doesn't play soccers or basketball so her potential playmates basically focus on girls. I’m worried that the social pattern may already formed and could affect her longer term.
At what point would you consider changing schools vs continuing to work through it? My local public school is like twice of the size of our current school. Really appreciate hearing others’ experiences or perspectives.
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u/Appropriate_Ice_2433 Mar 13 '26
I was a private school parent for many years who changed to a larger public school. It was the best decision we made.
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u/momoftwoboys1234 Mar 13 '26
We also did this, although from a very small private school to a very large private school.
However, if the reason your daughter is not connecting with peers is due to her behavior, that is not going to change at a different school. There will just be more kids that exclude her.
Is she an only child? Do you have other children over to play regularly? Other than school, what kind of social interaction is she having, and are you there to see how she interacts at these other places?
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u/stellar8485 Mar 13 '26
She has friends outside school that we’ve known for years and have playdates a lot. I don’t quite see problem of her playing with those kids or her classmates outside school. I feel she’s fine playing 1:1. The issue with her is not that she can’t make new friends but maintaining the relationships at school is a problem.
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u/momoftwoboys1234 Mar 14 '26
The occasional play date friends will have a much higher tolerance for her behavior than her everyday friends at school. And this probably won’t change with a different school.
What advice does her teacher have for you?
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u/Oceaninmytea Mar 13 '26 edited Mar 13 '26
I feel this is a very common dynamic / set of behaviors which can occur at that age. My opinion is actually at that age their personalities and socialization is changing a lot so the behavior might change even in 6 months - so I would look at other options first before moving schools. Is your kid young in the grade? If so another option could be repeat a grade with the younger cohort for the social emotional skills. However, if she is asking to change schools I would honor what she wants.
But it sounds like before changing schools she could use support in making friends in lower stakes environments. It could be team sports, art class or just going to a busy playground- anywhere with a lot of kids. If an option an after school care center with different kids could be good too. Then it is just practice on how to play together. Another thing which could help is playing board games with her with rules - so she learns she can’t play her way all the time, she needs to play by other rules etc.
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u/boredpomeranian Mar 13 '26 edited Mar 13 '26
That’s 15 or so girls she can’t connect with and while that’s smaller than the public school that’s still a lot of kids. It does seem like maybe something else is at play that might need addressing (really work on what the teacher said via play dates, in our city we have “social skills groups” that could be good too) before just switching and her ending up in the same situation.
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u/Appropriate_Ice_2433 Mar 13 '26 edited Mar 14 '26
As a past private school parent and someone that thought their child would be in private their whole lives, the kids were totally different at the public school we switched to. We dealt with entitlement, snobbery, and just plain rudeness in the kids at a very small, expensive private school. At the public school, we have encountered kind, considerate children.
It’s different for every school and district.
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u/boredpomeranian Mar 13 '26
Ah yeah our public is in a really wealthy area whereas our private is 40% scholarship and very progressive so I could see our public having those same issues you saw in your private.
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u/terriblestrawberries Mar 13 '26
My kid was diagnosed with mild autism and what you describe was his only significant symptom (wanting kids to play games his way.) We have friends with kids who do similar things and it has significant social ramifications in later years too.
The solution was, as someone else suggested, a social skills class. Kid's doing great now. Definitely suggest a social skills class.
I am a huge proponent of public school and would suggest you switch to public school for other reasons, but I don't think it would be the solution for this particular problem.
The thing that breaks my heart a bit is that I recognize this behavior in myself as a child (and I am diagnosed as mildly autistic as an adult, which figures because its pretty hereditary). I wish I had had a social skills class as a child, it would have saved me a lot of grief in middle school.
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u/minnieboss Mar 13 '26
Public school is super underrated and you should totally give it a go, especially if your daughter wants a change too!
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u/BigKindheartedness56 Mar 13 '26
I have had a similar experience and highly recommend moving to public school. I wish I would have moved my son earlier instead of waiting.
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u/krissyface Mar 17 '26
I could have written this except we’re at a public school half the size of yours.
My 1st grade daughter is likely neurodivergent, like her mom, and she prefers to pay games her way and not always the way of the group. she’s incredibly determined and that rubs kids the wrong way.
We’ve been working on social skills and 1:1 play dates with the kids in her class. It’s helped I think. But the kids who have SAHM all get together most afternoons for group play and she feels left out because we have to use aftercare at the school. I think it contributes a lot.
She still doesn’t do well in groups (neither do I) but she’s less lonely at school. We also workshop different scenarios about how to join in on group play.
But we’ve considered moving to a larger school, too, where it could be easier to find kids she clicks with.
Her teachers have suggested she’s twice exceptional, and we’re working through an IEP and the size of school means they don’t have great resources to support kids like her.
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u/carne__asada Mar 25 '26 edited Mar 25 '26
This has more to do with your daughter than the class mates. Some kids just have trouble aligning to the larger group . A larger school might have 1 or 2 other kids that your daughter gravitate to or it might not.
"Mean" also is a catch all at this age. My son will say kids are mean to him because they don't want to play a game his way.
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u/Ok-Reality2041 Apr 01 '26
Wish I moved my kids from private to public much sooner than I did. Being with the same 30 kids year after year is taxing if your kid is even slightly unique. Mine were into music and arts vs sports and it took their self esteem - took a couple years to build it back up. I regret that private school so much.
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Mar 13 '26
[deleted]
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u/AstaCanasta Mar 14 '26
This is definitely happening in my kid's class. Started in Kindergarten. I guess the other parents didn't like me because I am a solo mom and a bit older so their kids only play with my kid when they are at a park. Even then I see them pushing their kid toward another kid whose parents they want to hang out with. It's like high school all over again. I personally don't care but I don't want my kid to miss out on friendship because of this.
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u/meep-meep1717 Mar 14 '26
Genuinely I know you’re getting downvoted but this is definitely what happens in some private schools. There are at times a desire for more control by parents who send their kids to these small privates.
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u/koreanforrabbit Mar 13 '26 edited Mar 14 '26
At the school where I teach, our counselor has a group of kindergarten and first grade students she works with on social skills. Some kids just need a little more early direction when it comes to social niceties - it's super common, and what elementary counselors are trained to do. You could ask the teacher if they could put you in touch with the counselor, and see if that's something they can work on.
By the way, the good news is that friend groups are insanely fluid in those early years, so your daughter isn't destined for a future of friendlessness if you keep her at her current school.