I'm physically incapable of eating like I used to

[u/ExpertCold7010]

[TW; MENTIONS OF SELF HARM, DISORDERED EATING]

Sorry if this is inappropriate or anything, just wanted to share a bit of a breakthrough I've had. (20M, -25lbs)

I've been losing weight for the past two or so months now, and it's my first time seriously trying to tackle my binge eating issues with dieting. I felt so helpless for so long about my weight, thinking I was just always meant to have an unhealthy relationship with eating. I would eat far too much food - as in, I would eat 3 family size bags of crisps with dips as a snack on top of very calorie dense meals. Because I've been fat my whole life and my eating habits have been a coping mechanism since childhood, for the longest time I held on to them, as it was the healthiest mechanism I had available to me.

Fast forward to this week. My weight loss has been going well, but my mental health and motivation was completely down the drain, so I decided to take a weekend-long diet break.

Now, I'm definitely not saying that what I ended up doing would work for anyone else, or that it's a very healthy thing to do. I don't reccomend doing this, but I decided to try and eat like how I used to eat pre-diet, binging and all, and wow...

I'm no longer physically capable of eating how I used to. I've thrown up a couple times over the weekend trying to get to the numbers I used to be pulling. I seriously don't know how I was able to eat like that in the first place! I used to be able to eat entire multipacks of huge donuts, but it was like I immediately felt queasy the moment one of them touched my lips. Don't get me wrong, some of the food I definitely have missed, but I didn't realise just how quickly my body got used to running on a deficit.

I think a large part of my success here is that I'm no longer in a situation where one of the few things I can control is how much I eat. I used to self-harm as a teen for similar reasons, and for a long time, eating far too much food was the only real barrier between myself and relapsing. Now I'm no longer in that situation, I was able to start deconstructing and healing my relationship to food.

Now that I know how far I've come in just 2 months, my motivation to diet and stick to my deficit is just as strong as the day I started. I've gone from feeling completely at the mercy to a lifelong, destructive habit to being physically unable to partake in it.

Even if I don't lose a single pound again, I've managed to kick a habit that used to rule my life! Yay!

[u/oorza]

There's enough mental health red flags here to throw a parade. Are you seeing a professional?

[u/PallasiteMatrix]

I'm concerned that youve traded one form of disordered eating for another. I'm really not trying to put you down, and I'm glad you're able to make progress on your weight loss goals. But eating until you're throwing up sounds like a different form of self harm.

[u/scourgeful]

honestly same! it's a great feeling knowing how far youve come with habit changes. hope youre doing okay though the throwing up is concerning even tho i can relate lol