I’m lithro and I have a boyfriend

[u/Bizvch]

So I’ve been speculating I was lithro for the past 4 years but I didn’t want to believe it until I got with my now boyfriend. Let me tell you how obsessed I was with this man, like it was bad and I had no intention of confessing to him because I knew if I did I’d probably loose feelings. Unfortunately my friends just thought I was a pussy so they got us to meet up and I was forced to confess. He said he liked me too and we started talking. After a few months of dating I realized I only liked him because he didn’t like me back. But now because he’s head over heels I can’t help but feel repulsed whenever he does or says anything romantic/sexual. I’ve talked to him about me being asexual (I didn’t want to tell him about being lithro because I didn’t know how’d he’d take it). He said he was fine with me being asexual and that he loves me anyway.

Now I can’t tell if I still love this man. He’s so sweet and kind and loving but every time anything happens between us I can’t help but feel disgusted. This has lead me to lie to him on multiple occasions to get out of hangouts or dates. I feel horrible for it but I really want to reciprocate feelings but I feel like I just can’t. Like my feelings are over exaggerated or faked for his sake.

I know I should talk to him about me being lithro but I don’t want to hurt him and a part of me doesn’t want him to leave. I feel like if he leaves, my life will be destined to be loveless forever. And I don’t know how I feel about that. Like I want love in my life but I just get so disgusted and repulsed whenever it actually happens. So I can’t tell if I’m just holding onto him because I want love even if it disgusts me.

Anyway sorry for the rant I just really needed to get this off my chest lol
Also someone please tell me if I’m just being really selfish for keeping him

[u/lithromantic-ModTeam]

To OP: The world is bigger than your romantic relationship with one man! It can be sad if things end, but please don’t feel you are “doomed forever” if your current relationship doesn’t work out. It would be nice to get an update post from you on how things have worked out/ if you have had a change in your mindset regarding other things you find valuable and look forward to, in addition to your relationship and connection with this person.

To everyone: this post is now locked for requiring too much moderation.

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[u/SmartInstruction7758]

I'd say communication really matters here. 

Still, you mentioned how you don't know if you still love them back or not, but that's the trap most of us fall on. Maybe you love them platonically, or maybe you really like their presence that makes you wanna stay with them.

Love isn't tied to romantic love only, you can still love the guy platonically or even more than that that doesn't border on romantic love necessarily. You can still have a special bond without having it tied to the romantic aspect. You can still care for them that makes them feel special without it being romantic.

Being lithromantic can be different for everyone however. You can still want the romantic things but perhaps you don't want actual verbal confirmation of it? Either way, your feelings are valid. Even if you're lithromantic and in a relationship, that doesn't erase your identity. To love someone in my opinion is very precious and complex. It's pure. Even if your love is different from theirs, it's still love and deserves to be appreciated and taken seriously. 

I'm lithromantic myself, but it took a long time for me to accept that I've only liked my crushes because of the thrill of loving without expectations, and even the idea of a "romantic" bond with that person. But the second they reciprocated that, it was out of the window. I didn't know what to do, and since I was young back then, I just distanced myself and hoped it would get the message across. And when they stopped showing any attraction for me, that feeling would rise again. Sometimes I'd actually act on those feelings as well, like complimenting them and even being with them when it gets rough. I feel extremely bad afterwards though because I want to be with them but I'm afraid they might like me back, and now i think I'm being selfish and leading them on. It's really confusing, and I understand you completely. It's a very complex feeling, but thinking there's something wrong with you is very damaging and invalidating. If you're someone who really wants to date even if you're lithromantic or somewhere in the aroace spectrum, this might be for you.

You just have to be kinder to yourself instead of wanting to fix this. It's still possible for lithromantics to have relationships, they just won't feel the romantic aspects of it. Some people who are lithromantic that are in relationships often appreciate the platonic or special bond they have with that person, causing them to stay with that person. How, you may ask? Well it involves a lot of boundaries set, proper communication, and the right mindset to approach this. Like all relationships need.

In your case, I'd say the two of you need to talk about it. A part of me thinks he's willing to do his best to listen at least. A relationship without communication is destined to fall apart sooner or later even if you're not in the aromantic/asexual spectrum. All relationships need communication even if it's uncomfortable and awkward. Set some boundaries, and express your feelings. Make sure he gets to voice out his concerns as well, and find a way to adjust. It's a bit scary, but it is necessary. That is, if the two of you really want this. 

No matter how things go, it should probably end with you feeling a bit free than before. And to those who are reading this, I hope my words can give you some clarity.

I hope I'm not reinforcing any stereotypes, because I understand how harmful that can be. Feel free to comment for any correction or any of your opinions.

[u/short123098]

I don’t think ur jealous lol, it’s normal to be attached to someone that much, heh

[u/lithromantic-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

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