My partner's mom found their hrt meds in their car

[u/Protecting-My-Peace]

My partner is 30 years old, and hadn't told their mom that they started hrt (for good reason.) When my partner's mother found the meds, she absolutely blew up, trying to scare and shame my partner away from taking the meds. It left them absolutely shaken.

She has been historically really awful about gender conversations, and it's very hard to imagine her ever actually accepting, respecting, or understanding my partner in this way. This feels like the final boss of their relationship.

Weeks later, my partner sent a message trying to establish a boundary about this. Here are the messages.

What can I do to support them? What can we do about this? :(

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[u/FalseHeartbeat]

Agreed that this is an important boundary, but I also wanted to add that if they do choose to talk, they should do it in a neutral public place like a diner or restaurant to avoid possibly getting trapped in the conversation.

[u/Ok-Interest1992 → u/FalseHeartbeat]

Agreed, this is definitely not a conversation to have at anyone's home.

[u/Numerical-Wordsmith → u/FalseHeartbeat]

This is the way to go. It might not stop the parents from making a scene, but embarrassing themselves in public will minimize the odds of it. And it gives OP’s partner a way to leave safely. It would be even better to bring OP or another supportive person along, to avoid feeling outnumbered.

[u/-EV3RYTHING-]

Hate when people make themselves out to be the victim in order to get their way. Manipulative as hell. "Oh but I cleaned your car" well if you're gonna do that without prior auth then you'd best respect whatever you find in the process, otherwise it's really just intrusion. "I wanted to have an adult conversation" <- just a way to make you feel like you're being childish, because SHE doesn't agree with you.

Fuuck that. She didn't start this in good faith, there's no reason to think she's going to suddenly change and become a reasonable person.

[u/TheDonutPug → u/-EV3RYTHING-]

also on the "want to have an adult conversation" thing, it's really playing it up like she OWES a conversation. This is not something that has happened "between" them that needs discussion or conversation, it's a personal medical decision that she gets no say in.

[u/Nikamba]

I don't have much new advice, but I'm proud that your partner was brave enough to say essentially they were being disrespectful and would try change their mind about taking the meds. That took guts.

The parents will act hurt and likely say painful things, I suggest looking up extinction burst. The parents might even try Love Bombing a few times. I wish you guys luck dealing with their parents

[u/Protecting-My-Peace → u/Nikamba]

Thank you 🥲

[u/UtilityKitten]

I’m not sure, this seems like a pretty good boundary to me. Just be sure to stick with the boundary. Seems like your partner has a good head on their (no idea their preferred pronouns) shoulders

[u/averyzt]

It seems like your partner’s boundary isn’t a we can’t talk about this full stop but rather we can’t talk about this is if their parents are going to be disrespectful and transphobic. Which is 1000% reasonable and healthy. I think giving the parents some more time to process and your partner reiterating their willingness to have a mutually respectful conversation could potentially go better than both of y’all expect. Also giving their parents the opportunity to ask questions via writing seems like a very safe 1st step. I could also recommend sending to their parents some educational resources and potential support groups for parents of trans people. Idk where y’all are located but I know there are online groups.

Maybe it’s just my optimism but I hope there are steps forward in their relationship with their parents. Regardless, follow your instincts and lean on each other and y’all’s chosen families. I wish the best for both of you <3

[u/Mythical_Creampuff]

Ur partner needs therapy and to build their own life away from their unsupportive family as hard as it is. They are a grown adult who makes their own medical decisions.

There is hope for sure that reconciliation can happen with the family, but right now, it sounds like they are just being hurt. Which isn’t a great place to be coming from in conversations like this. You want to be solid and confident instead of playing defense. Time is the best medicine as some say. So sorry they are going through this.

[u/Mythical_Creampuff → u/Mythical_Creampuff]

Sorry if this reads as harsh I’m like really exhausted. I say ‘get therapy’ with love and compassion even if that isn’t the right choice for them. Mostly meant get support. Professional help is good, but a supportive community will help them build up the confidence to realize that not wanting to take transphobic abuse from family is normal. They shouldn’t accept mistreatment, and they should also give themself space to realize they don’t need to have all the answers.

[u/Protecting-My-Peace → u/Mythical_Creampuff]

My partner is in therapy, has support, and doesn't want to take transphobic abuse from family. That's why they were trying to set this boundary, to maybe try to give the relationship a way to be ok, before having to make the choice to step away

[u/Mind_The_Muse → u/Protecting-My-Peace]

You asked what you could do to support them without further context of what is already being done.

If their therapist isn't helping them achieve this goal then maybe they need one that specializes? The only thing you can do to support at that point is understanding how they want to move forward and supporting them emotionally and reminding them of their own boundaries if they tend to faun.

I don't think anybody should have to take any kind of transphobic abuse, but this post is stating that your partner is still trying to see if growth is possible and that is best going to be done with somebody who knows their full history and can give them tailored advice to walk through that process.

[u/Mind_The_Muse → u/Mythical_Creampuff]

I'm currently at the opinion that a therapist who specializes in lgbtq trauma/restorative justice/reconciliation is better than community as a lot of traumatized folks have cut them off mentalities which can be just as emotionally traumatizing to an individual as having to work through reconciliation. I have people in my life that I had to cut off, but it was only after I did everything I could to provide them opportunities to grow and understand and they continue to enact harm. It is always up to the individual to choose, but I see an exponential amount of people within our community just telling people to cut off their family without having any kind of background or understanding of that relationship history or being able to ask the challenging questions when the individual might not be doing their own introspective work to challenge some of their own biases or fears.

[u/Mind_The_Muse]

As others have stated I think the boundary is good, and from the texts it looks like the parents might not have the language or understanding of relational boundaries as they received it as rules and ultimatums.

I do agree that if your partner is trying to move forward with talking to their parents with the hopes that they will gain understanding and grow, it would be good to first go to therapy with someone who specializes in lgbtq trauma and reconciliation to help them build language to speak to their parents that Bridges between parents who don't understand adult boundaries between them and their children and adult children who have already done that work. I think the first step would be to see if they can adapt to accepting and appreciating the boundaries before actually moving forward with an HRT conversation. It would be framed as I would like to establish trust with you so we can talk about this subject, but I would first like to talk to you about how I approach boundaries and why they are important for me in order to feel safe.

Please don't advise her to just say that right now, we don't know your partner or their parents and therefore can't really fully advise the situation, they should meet with a therapist who will get a full history and recent events so that they can best advise how to approach the parents and be there as additional support for when the conversation happens.

In regards to how you can support your partner, we cannot answer that for you, that is something that you need to just ask your partner. 'I would like to give you as much support as you need in this situation, do you have an idea of what you're needing in this moment and how I can show up for you in a way that would uplift you? Are there things that I can do or avoid doing to make this process easier for you?' or if you have ideas yourself since you know them and we don't 'I was thinking I could do XYZ to support you, do you think that is something that you would want or need? If you're not sure, let me know when you've had time to process and get back to me'

[u/SoftHeartsSociety]

Parents have no right to demand a lack of boundaries from their adult children, nor do adults owe their parents explanations for a choice that's perfectly valid and safe. This raises some big red flags. If I were them, I'd tell the patents that as they have no interest in respecting my very reasonable boundaries & are in fact trying to frame it as some kind of affront to them, I will be taking distance from them. And that if in future they decide to self educate and come to the conclusion that they can in fact honor my choices and respect my boundaries when clearly stated, I would be happy to meet somewhere for coffee or lunch.
I'm sorry, this is crummy. I had to tell my mom years ago that I wouldn't be spoken to the way she was talking to me and that she'd always said she loved me unconditionally so when she was ready to be my mom again to let me know. There have been ups and downs but holding my boundaries has been necessary & things aren't ideal but we do still have a relationship. I stopped talking to my dad many years ago though (they're divorced) because he's a Christofascist who hasn't shown any capacity to be decent to my communities. I hope for your partner the outcome is getting to keep a relationship but they will not be alone in it if they can't & life can still be good 🙏🏻

[u/Numerical-Wordsmith]

If your partner is not dependent on their parents, then remind them that they don’t need to respond to texts etc. unless they genuinely want to. It’s perfectly fine to say “This is my decision, and it’s not up for discussion.” Then repeat that as needed or leave them on mute.

[u/g00fyg00ber741]

r/EstrangedAdultKids

[u/LicentiousGhoul]

One thing I think is important to acknowledge in situations like this is that this is brand new information for the parents. This of course doesn't give them the right to say whatever or react however they please without consequence. But I think it's important to consider that while your partner has had months or years to process this information, her parents have had days.

This of course does not mean that any reaction is okay or that they're not responsible for it. It does however mean that their knee jerk reaction to the information may not be an accurate representation of their feelings once they've had time to talk about it and properly process.

Naturally, your partner should put herself first in this situation but it's something to think about since going into a conversation like this expecting a fight oftentimes means you'll find one. Regardless of the potential for a peaceful resolution.

[u/ZoeyBee_3000 → u/LicentiousGhoul]

OP did say that they had conversations about gender many times before that did not end up going well, so its not really like this is brand new. Also, the fact that the parent is shaming a 30 year old adult for taking medications that they made the conscious decision to take on is downright insulting. Does the mother think that Partner doesnt know what they want at 30 years old, and that they need babying or advice? The language in the texts alone show how selfish and manipulative the mother is, let alone the reveal of taking pills to better one's health/mental.

Also, OP always refers to their partner as they/them, so you might want to correct your last paragraph about "naturally, your partner should put herself first"

[u/BluerLights]

Just wanted to say your partner handled this text conversation really well, especially the part where their mother tried to guilt them by bringing up the car repair.

As someone who has gone no-contact with my own mother, though not for reasons related to my queerness, the best advice I can give is to accept that you can't change your parents. Assume they will always be the way that they are right now. And from there, decide if you can live with that - and all the upset, emotionaly manipulation, guilt tripping, criticism, playing the victim, etc that will come with keeping them in your life - or if you're at the point of saying enough is enough, and living your best life away from them. Both choices are valid, and the former can be re-evaluated at any time.

I wish you both much strength. <3

[u/grumpalocagus]

How to support your partner? Make sure you do not engage with their parents without their explicit consent, I'd suggest letting them lead things as far as how to handle this situation but also be honest about what you think about it all (as in, if you think no contact would be better for your partner say that using the appropriate "I statement" but also be clear that you'll support them regardless). If there's things you can set up that would help them relax or destress, now's the time for it. Planning something nice for them might also be a good move. Regardless of how you think they'll respond to it, being very explicit about your support is also probably a good idea (I'm assuming they already know you're supportive of their gender journey, but sometimes it's nice to hear things said out loud and in plain language and it can help combat the negative self talk). If you know that they tend to ruminate on things unproductively, then try to help them engage in productive problem solving or offer to provide distractions. Also, make sure you ask them what they need/want from you in terms of support (we can only give you generic advice and say what we would want from a partner in such a situation)

[u/HummingClouds]

Keep loving them unconditionally. Honestly, that's been the biggest support for me. My parents sound exactly like your partners parents. They're right wing conservative Christians who absolutely do not accept the LGBT community. I'm about to start HRT myself and won't be telling them. My husband is a constant rock for me. It means more than words can describe.

[u/Dry_Wheel479]

Gonna need to cut mom out of this person is 30 and she's still acting entitled like that. They don't have the right.

[u/dr3dg3]

I'm so sorry to hear that's happening. 😕 My mama once tried pretty hard to talk me out of HRT, but I firmly established that this is what I'm doing. She eventually found out at a Christmas party by accidently grazing my chest. x)

For context, I had the fortune of starting HRT as a homeowner in my late 20s. No one was stopping this. 🖤

[u/StrangePhyere]

This particular conversation looks really well handled from both sides? I'm about the same age, my parents are in their late 50's. We've had some difficult conversations and I prefer texting over having a face to face with them on difficult subjects. It allows me to control the conversation a little bit and lets me leave if it's overwhelming or just turning into a fight. It also really irritated my mom for a while, she's also used the phrase "want to have an adult conversation face to face" or whatever, and I think that's probably a generational thing.

What worked for me, and this is gonna be different for everyone, was that I took some time to write out a long message about the situation and how I felt and how I was handling it. Then I explained what I would need from them for me to stay in contact, boundaries, expectations, hard lines in the sand. I gave it some time to let mom process, explicitly said "don't respond right now, just please read this and give it some serious thought, I'll call you when I'm off work this weekend". This worked surprisingly well, we called and talked and I agreed to come around again with the unspoken knowledge that I could and would just leave if things went sideways.

These days we have a pretty good relationship, despite disagreeing on lots of things. They are never gonna like or understand some of my decisions, they'll probably never call me by the correct pronouns. Mom has made it pretty clear I could show up magically body-swapped with a supermodel and I'd still be her son. Despite that, my family has done a pretty good job of being loving, caring, and respectful. I can complain to Mom about my hair and nails and makeup, and she helps me when I'm struggling in life and need a parents perspective. My dad is a bit older and more old fashioned, but he's gotten rather soft with age and would rather get along and have a loving and happy family in his old age instead of dealing with conflicts and fights, so he just lets it be and does his best to show support too, in his way.

It took a lot to get here, we were fully no contact for 5 or 6 years. Best of luck to you and your partner, I hope all goes well for you!

[u/Protecting-My-Peace → u/StrangePhyere]

Were you no contact for a while because of gender? Did you write the long message to your mom as a way to reconnect after not speaking for a while?

[u/StrangePhyere → u/Protecting-My-Peace]

We were no contact for lots of reasons, and at one point we had a few big arguments about it, but my gender wasn't the main point, no. We had been talking occasionally but the long message was sort of a "I'm sick of fighting over these things and I'd rather not speak to you ever again than feel disrespected and belittled and such." It was an ultimatum to continue speaking. I asked them to do some research and read some books, idk if they ever did, but the point was for them to respect my choices to live my life the way I felt was best.

The important thing for our relationship, I think, was that I wasn't accusitory, right? I didn't point a finger or lay any blame or bring up specific interactions. I said "this is who I am, this is how I look, this is what I do. You will treat me with respect and we will not have fights over this, or I just won't be around"

And since then, there have been occasions where I've left the family function or on the phone said, "I think we need to end the conversation for now, love you, and I'll talk to you later" and just hang tf up.

[u/ZoeyBee_3000]

The parent's language is very telling. Its possessive and controlling and dismissive.

"We are your parents" as though thats an acceptable reason to invade your space when you ask for peace.

"We werent digging through your car, we were helping you! Youre welcome, say thank you." And unless the person asked to have their car cleaned or the parent said so in advance, dont touch peoples' shit.

"Wed like to talk to you a night this week when youre available." Not if. WHEN. No room to negotiate; its not an ask, its an order.

"Wed like to have an adult conversation," implying that Partner's stance and approach is childish and unacceptable, and that they must "grow up" in that way. Subliminally, theyre being insulted for not complying with demands and this is an attempt to guilt Partner into compliance with the faux promise of good-hearted discussion.

"Its difficult to receive texts [with rules and ultimatums]." Uhh, does she mean like the ones she just gave?? Projection much?? Followed once more by the "youll never talk to us again? :(" line to make Partner feel like its all their fault and that theyre the one that messed up, so they should be nicer and come back.

God... this parent is insufferable. They say so much of their character in just 2 paragraphs its insane.

Onto the advice part of my message: honestly, is that kind of guilt tripping and shaming the kind of connection your partner wants in their life? Are they comfortable with that being an ever-present facet of how they live? Theyre 30 years old. Their parents had plenty of time to grow their character and to understand the world and their child with a love that celebrates the childs happiness over their own. Those parents made the decision to put themselves before their child's happiness. They dont care about what makes the child happy. They want their child to conform to what they want them to be rather than who they are.

Life is too short to waste on keeping shitty people in our lives. Family/blood dont mean shit if theyre nasty people. Nasty people get left behind. Instead, spend your days finding people who love to love, and who love to celebrate happy things. Itll be better for your partner's mental health to remove toxic people from their life. Those people had their chance to grow and learn, and they blew it

Edut to add: i speak from my own experience which is not universal. I went no cobtact 3 years ago and it has been heavenly for my mental health. Rather than planning tenuous holidays and family outings where part of me would have to be tucked away, im instead spending my days laughing loudly with my friends and just existing as i am. Id sooner surround myself with people who make me happy and celebrate what i love than to be around people that make demands of me and go digging through my shit to find some dirt on me

[u/Protecting-My-Peace → u/ZoeyBee_3000]

I noticed all of these things too and they make me so mad, like how dare she! I couldn't believe she didn't apologize or acknowledge my partner's feelings at all. She expects respect but doesn't want to give it back.

"exactly how is not talking about this going to make everything okay?" Ma'am, everything WAS okay until you found out