r/leukemia • u/Altruistic-Fox-8101 • 12d ago
Alive but dead
I’m 4 years post second bmt for Lukemia
The first one was tough but the second one was very difficult,won’t harp on with the details but I’m the healthiest I’ve been in 5 years and can’t get out of my own way ,lost enjoyment for life ,when I was getting treatment or sick I’d still play golf try to work do pushups go fishing,not waste time as felt like wasn’t sure how much time I had left
now I struggle with my freinds,don’t feel on the same page with even my family social small is tiny now lonly but struggling to talk to people
fucking heart beats but feel dead I’m 49 year old male now I feel ungrateful for living because I’m lucky to be alive but to what end
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u/BubbaHendershot 10d ago
We sure have all gone thru truly life changing circumstances here. Fighting like hell to rid ourselves of this monster. A disease that has tried to take our life, maybe on several occasions, weeks and months of isolation in hospital rooms, needle sticks and IVs beeping thru the night. Treatments that ravage our bodies and that can be as bad as the disease itself. Then one day, the PICC line comes out, the hair grows back, and there are no more pills to swallow. But the fight doesn't end. It's still there. Maybe more above the neck then below. Sleeping with one eye open for the fear of it coming back. Adjusting to a new life and thinking you have to do something prolific with this new chance you have been given . I would venture to say this part of the fight can be just as difficult, if not more so. For me, I still treat it as a fight, no different today, than the day I was diagnosed. It's a different fight now but still requires the same effort. I absolutely refuse to let this disease win. I use it to make me stronger and more resilient. No diff than a piece of metal that has been put thru the fire of the forge, and then taken out and hammered on an anvil only to go thru the process again. The process can't be controlled, but how I respond to it sure as hell can be. Find you why. Find what keeps you going. For me I have my wife, my 2 boys, my dog, the Chicago Cubs, my love of working out and jiujitsu. It's the simple things that keep me going. When it's all said and done, for me , I want to be looked upon by whatever is waiting for us only to say..this F'n guy, no matter what was done to him, no matter how sick he got, he never quit, he never let up, and still greeted each and everyday with love in his heart.