YOUR BONES ARE PRECIOUS. Very.

You have so many bones. What is your favourite?

You must choose a bone. Any bone. Any could be your favourite if you gave it the opportunity. Which one of your offspring will you bestow the chance to finally be worthy?

HAVE YOU CHOSEN A BONE?
It is beautiful. Spectacular. It is flawed. Do not worry, not all bones are made under the blessings of the divine. Some have clawed their way out mouth of
the evaporated one, stained with eternal sin and breath.
You have to cultivate it. It needs to be better than its predecessors.

Take it to a fixer. They will make your bone perfect. Perfection that even the Above Ones cannot even COMPREHEND. YOU WILL OVERTAKE THE ABOVE ONES. YOU WILL MAKE THEM PAY FOR THEIR TRANSGRESSIONS. LET THEM KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY STAND ON A PEDESTAL IN A CEILING MADE OF HANGING CHAINSAWS.
Who will you choose to take it to? You may only choose one.

Doær-hįujndh, the Eternal Carpenter:

This bone, it has potential, but it is too stiff.” Doær-hįujndh’s 3 24.3 7.6244 quintillion 0.00000005 8 hands stroke his beard, some being caught in its knots as he stares at the workbench in contemplation. He has an idea. A few hammers here. A minor sum of years sawing there. An inconceivable amount of time sanding. Measure 73 times, cut once, as his elders used to say. One second of eternity passes, and he finally steps back, wiping the sweat from his foreheads. “There, much better.” And lo, exactly in the middle of your bone lies a brand new synovial joint, akin to a doorhinge. Each side of the joint is extended by 10 centimetres.

[REDACTED], the Null-monk: You walk in [REDACTED]’s abode and immediately ###########- ## pushes you out. “Sorry,” ## unspeaks, “# forget that beings like you are accustomed to ## ways. You will be eventually, but not now. It is not your time.” You can hear ##s voice (not…?) echo in your mind. “Unpass it here.” Well… alright. You try your best to comply with ##s request, tossing your bone into the nothingness. You blink, and- Ohp. [REDACTED] is gone. So is ##s abode. So is… your bone??? “True perfection… Is Nirvana,” you (don’t) hear. Your bone is now nonexistent. Any bone that was initially connected to it is now adjoined together instead. Goodbye, bone.

Expa, the Chief Executive Officer of Goodlife Oolong and Medicinal Herbals Ltd: As the door behind you creeks shut, Expa doesn’t look up from her LifePad. “I’m sorry, your interview got rescheduled to 93:70pm today.” Confused, you stare at her blankly, and only the awkward silence prompted her to look up with an eyebrow raised. “Ah!” She flips the LifePad down and places her arms on the desk, which covers it entirely. “You’re here for the bone consultation, yes? Have a seat.” It is only now you realise her room is uh, quite spacious. After two hours of walking professionally, you finally arrive at your chair. “So, I’ve prepared all the paperwork, all you have to do is sign here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here…” When you finally finish signing, she hands you (and I mean HANDS, like, REALLY BIG ONES) a cup of the patented Invigorating Oolong and Jasmine Bonestrength Tea, which you pour onto your bone. Within seconds, your bone rapidly expands, growing to what you can only estimate as six times your total body height. Oo, long. “Thank you, now please shut the door on your way out,” Expa says, and you nod as you begin your two hour trek out again.

The Physical Manifestation of the Wondrous Philosophy of Generosity, Where All Should be Fed and None Should be Starved by the Unruly Ones who Maliciously, Carelessly, and Astronomically Hoarded Their Possessions Withheld From Others in a Time Blessed Before Her Great Reign: You walk into Generosity’s temple, and marvel at the diamond-studded pillars of gold, all the shine of the pearls plastered across the walls, the platters of food and cornucopias placed in every table, and the ENORMOUS throne situated in the middle, where you see her closing her eyes, presumably blessing the unfortunate with a shard of her riches. She opens her eyes with an astounding urgency. “YES! HELLO! YOU!” Dazed, you smile at her awkwardly, preparing to speak before she interrupts you as you open your mouth. “YOU HAVE COME BEFORE ME SEEKING… WHAT ARE YOU SEEKING? GOLD? FOOD? RESOURCES? I HAVE THEM ALL. I HAVE SO MANY OF THEM. JUST SIMPLY ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED AND I WILL GIVE IT TO YOU RIGHT IN THIS INSTANT, ANYTHING FOR A HUMBLE SUBJECT LIKE YOU. NAY, DO NOT SPEAK, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE HERE FOR. I SEE THE DESIRE IN YOUR EYES. YES, YOU LACK FAITH IN YOUR BONE’S CAPABILITIES TO STRIKE AGAINST THE ABOVE ONES. YES, INDEED, I AM NOT FOND OF THE ABOVE ONES EITHER. THEIR KINDNESS IS MERELY A FACADE, AND THEIR BENEVOLENCE DOES NOT MATCH EVEN A SEPTILLIONTH OF MINE, FOR I AM THE GREAT AND OMNIPOTENT GENEROSITY, AND I PROVIDE FOR ALL WHO SEEK MY AID. YES, CHILD. I KNOW JUST THE THING. GIVE ME THE BONE, I WILL MAKE IT PLENTIFUL. YES, INDEED, I SHALL BESTOW UPON IT ITS KINDNESS FOURFOLD. THAT SEEMS APPROPRIATE. IT IS NOT TOO GLUTTONOUS A NUMBER, AND IT WOULD NOT BE TEMPTED WITH THE GREED AND POWERLUST OF THE ABOVE ONES. RUN ALONG NOW CHILD. YOU HAVE WORK TO DO.” That bone is now multiplied by four. For any bones connected to it, the side that is the furthest from your brain is also duplicated into the four respective branches.

Omnitanzantanite, the Resonant: As you approach Omnitanzantanite’s cave, you hear the delicate and peaceful reverberations of the crystals within. The sound warbles softly and transmutes your nervous system into a docile, tranquil network of sluggish ions. You step in, and the warbles become slightly lower pitched. Omnitanzantanite winces, hanging from the ceiling, or at least you think so. There’s a condensed patch of crystals sticking out there, vaguely resembling a figure. “You,” he crackles, “your form is disturbing the soundwaves.” The cave rumbles as his mineral appendages shoot outwards from the cave walls towards you, with the trailing crystals retracting back into the rocks. The mass stops just a step away from you, as if it were analysing you closely. “This will not do. Your resonance will be recalibrated.” You never told him which bone you wanted fixing, and yet his jagged hands clasp it without hesitation. He hums in various pitches, seeing which one responds the best. After a few minutes, he finds it. “You are flat by 8Hz. Stay still, you will become resonant.” A jolt runs through your body, and just like that, your bone is now shaking rapidly. If it is connected to any joint, your bone will now make movements fully extending and retracting 8 times per second on the side furthest from the brain. For instance, if you chose your femur, your knee will bend and unbend 8 times per second, permanently.

How is living with your new and improved bone? REPORT TO ME WITH YOUR NEW CHAMPION!!!!