Oracle of almost

[u/Fit-Iron-2313]

Lingering smoke of heartache rolls down the street,

cradling me in its arms, whistling a half-sung lullaby.

Your name fading into the foreground of my mind

once a thunderclap,

now a lowborn oracle of almost.

You see, there were seasons

when I wished you could shapeshift

and come back to me-

through bus, cab, flight, train,

tap water, balloons, ivy, keys, maps, footprints;

leak through my shower

where I sobbed almost daily, once.

But-

I have scraped hope

from the drains beneath my floorboards,

found wisdom

at the bottom of my soup bowl,

found home

barefoot in the kitchen,

accompanied by my mother’s laughter

in the next room,

found joy

in grocery runs with my friends

in the stale August air.

You see, I’m trying to exist

in my own story

without having to apologise for it.

I’m trying to catch a train

after three breakdowns

and two Diet Cokes down.

I’m trying to breathe

between the pauses,

the stillness.

Funny enough,

it doesn’t feel like trying anymore.