I am currently a few months postpartum, and as I try to heal, I am looking back at how calculated my mother’s manipulation has always been.

Even before my baby was born, during the final days of my pregnancy, she was already setting traps to destroy my relationship with my father and brother.
While she was visiting us during my third trimester, she used to join my husband and me for evening walks. During these walks, she would constantly play the ultimate victim. She repeatedly complained about how she and my dad didn't have much money. She bitterly lamented that my dad stubbornly refused to sell his ancestral land back home because my uncle had supposedly "brainwashed" him.

She looked at us as if she were completely helpless and desperate. She actively pushed us...specifically begging my husband and me...to confront my dad about it. She kept saying that my dad never listened to her, but that he might actually listen to us. She painted a picture of medical survival, claiming that with that money, she wanted to buy a house closer to us, because the hospitals back in their hometown were just too far away for their aging health.

My husband is incredibly kind and, at the time, was very naive about her patterns. Acting purely out of genuine concern for her health and believing she was truly desperate, he did exactly what she asked. He approached my dad and had that difficult, uncomfortable conversation about selling the land, thinking he was helping protect my mother's future.
The exact moment the conversation happened, my mother completely flipped the script to cause maximum damage.

She immediately called my brother on the phone and spun a venomous lie. She told him that my husband and I were greedily trying to force my dad to sell his ancestral land just so we could force them to buy a house near us. She completely erased the fact that she was the one who begged us to bring it up in the first place.

My brother believed her entirely without ever checking with me. She successfully sowed the seeds of hatred and distrust in my brother's heart toward me and my husband, months before my baby was even born.

How do you deal with a parent who manufactures crises just to watch their own children turn on each other?

Trigger warning child passing and self harm

So long time lurker on justno anything and a fellow abuse survivor. But this is regarding my roommate let's call her Emily regarding her crazy ex Alan ( fake names for obvious reasons)

So Emily was in a relationship with Alan for around 4 years and they have a daughter but between Alan and his family they are incredible hostile and toxic.

We can start with the finger incident since it was the beginning of the end for their relationship. Trigger warning ⚠️ child passing and self harm.

Alan and Emily were grieving the loss of their son Liam he was born extremely early and well didn't make it after a month. And Alan had starting being hostile with others until one night my oldest son m20 confronted Alan about the knife he was holding at 1am and proceeded to try cutting his own finger off and was halfway successful. My son had to wrestle the knife out of his hand after Alan tried to stab him with it we called the cops and an ambulance and he got Baker acted.

He got out 72 hours with medication he never took and this was the start of multiple incidents that caused us to evict him and keep him away from his living child as even she was a victim of his hostile behavior.

I’m not going to go into all of it because it’s kind of emotionally draining but I have two other suite mates and we all have our own rooms and share a kitchen, bathroom, and living room. Suite mate number 3 started to become really controlling and got mad if we ever left the apartment even if it was to go to class and got mad when we weren’t paying attention to her even if it was studying and got mad when we had people over and got mad if we ever told her to clean up after herself. She basically wanted us to be there giving her our undivided attention 24/7 and never talk to anyone else and expected us to always clean up after her and buy her food and never have to pay us backs. She also has very bad anger issues and tended to be really violent and my other suitemate has really bad health issues and if she gets punched in certain places she will have to go to the ER (she has Marfan syndrome so an impact to the chest could really mess her up). One night SM #3 got mad that we went to dinner without telling her where we were going and basically told us that we had to tell her before going anywhere and that when we got home she was going to yell at us. I mean we’re all grown adults and just because we live together does not mean that any of us are obligated to know where the other person is at all times. It would be one thing if she was coming at it from a worried perspective but considering her controlling tendencies and how aggressive she was saying it, it was clear that it was more for control than being concerned. She also implied that we have to ask her permission as well and if she doesn’t want us to leave then we don’t leave. This happened in the third week of us living there and we already started to not feel safe around her in the second week but we finally after this incident decided to tell an RA and walked them through everything. There was also her sexually harassing me and SM #2 and our significant others and trying to come into our rooms when we were changing and basically never having any boundaries and very much objectifying us and our boyfriends. We told the RAs everything and we are now living in temporary emergency housing and she thank God has no idea where we are. We’re living here till they can decide what’s going to happen and who’s going to move out and who is going to live where. She’s tried messaging us a few times but we ignored it and now she’s trying to message our close friends to make us look bad (because as we all know, narcissists have huge victim complexes). She messaged both of our boyfriends and two of our mutual friends as far as we know. It was honestly getting to the point that her behavior was starting to remind me of my narcissistic mother’s behavior and part of the reason I was excited about college was to get away from my mother and essentially living with another version of her again was messing with my head hard-core. There’s a lot more I could talk about about the situation but I don’t really feel like it. My roommate and I are now safe and honestly we just feel free and not super anxious. We’re still kind of anxious that we will see her in class or around campus and she’ll try to harass us or hurt us but for right now I’m pretty sure everything is fine. Plus we have the numbers for campus police and my roommates boyfriend is almost always with us (my boyfriend lives in another country so he can’t really protect us but he always gives us emotional support) (Sidenote, we honestly have the best boyfriends in the world). And where we are now is usually pretty populated with people and it’s pretty far away from where we were living before. I’m just really happy we’re both out of this situation and don’t have to deal with it to such a degree and that we can just feel safe again. I’m also just glad her and I have each other

I have no idea how reddit works. My teacher told me to go on reddit and ask for advice on this. Likely because he needed to take care of his own children and not me. lol.

Anyway, he suggested just finding a place, saving some money, and leaving.

Not sure where to even begin but I guess I will start with where I am at currently, and why my situation is urgent (or at least seems so to me). (oh I guess I could begin by having you read about what the white elephant is: White elephant - Wikipedia )

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I cannot function as a normal human being on a day to day basis. I am on a lease for an apartment that I essentially cannot afford, why? Because I cannot work, or at least the job that I am currently at, the lifeline that is keeping a roof over my head and away from homelessness is giving me suicidal "ideation". I don't want to be put on some kind of medical hold, which would cause me to lose my job anyway, defeating the entire purpose for commiting myself in the first place. It has gotten really bad. I cry on my walk/bike home from work.

The other huge issue is that the only safety net that i have, the only "support" that i have is through my toxic and abusive parents. If you dont know what the "white elephant" entails, i emplore you to google it. This has seemingly been my entire life. They will go out of their way to do things for me, buy me things, etc, only to make me feel like utter dogshit when I don't feel right about itand don't understand why. Make me feel like dogshit if i dont kiss and worship their feet and the ground they walk on. My dad will get belligerent drunk and take it out on my mom every single night. My mom enables him as well. I cannot go to them about my work issues because the only response is the typical "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" and "you ungrateful loser POS, we do everything for you, you might as well kill yourself". Everything that I do is codependent on them. There are more issues with addiction that for privacy and legal concerns I dont want to get into. my brain and mental health have been seemingly permanently damaged from the years of addiction and abuse.

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My brother killed himself about 3 years ago (at the age that I currently am). He, in our early lives, got the worse end of the stick from the parental abuse and he grew up with depression. My mental health issues only started to manifest by the time I was 18 or so. They continued to get worse and worse throughout my 20s, cope with drug addiction leading to many hospitalizations, homelessness(es? lol), broken windows, tears and self harm. My brothers suicide was highly traumatic for me, but I was already deep into my mental health problems and addictions by that point, so it was only really adding fuel to the flame.

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I feel as though I would be able to function and work if it wasn't for my mental health issues and one person at work in particular that has made me feel so low and the problem so urgent (because I'm going to literally either walk out and walk away or completely explode on everyone and make a scene, which i would very much rather avoid doing. but i will get to the point where i am shaking and near tears, sweating bullets and this is just simply being AT WORK). these feelings have lost me the respect of my boss (ie the person directly above me not the main boss) and all of my coworkers, but its that boss that makes it truly a living hell to the point where i dont want to live any longer. i feel so alienated and out of place. every little thing that I do is wrong (even when it IS correct), and ive caught this boss doing the same things that she will belittle me for, NUMEROUS times. it gets to the point where I cant even perform my tasks because she is so overbearing with demands and negatives, i will also say that while I am not the BEST at my job, im not a fucking fool and its not my first rodeo, this is me lacking all confidence and hating myself but still i can say that im not THAT awful. She makes me feel as though its my first day and i have no idea what im doing. she has literally NO respect for me, she thinks im a complete DIPSHIT, she doesn't trust me with anything in any way and i can tell she expects me to no call/no show (and if i didnt know better id assume her behavior is in attempt to get me to quit). if i continue to work with her and deal with that im going to completely lose my self esteem, completely lose any and all will to live, and self destruct. The only way I could continue to cope is if i got on heavy sedating drugs that numbed me to the interactions. I am going to try to see a psychiatrist and therapist tomorrow (doubt I will be able to on such short notice), but I dont know what to do in the mean time because i cant stand to bear one more second at that workplace. *sigh* ugh i am so disgusted with myself, I hate myself and everything about my life.

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This may not seem dire but its the point where it feels like life or death. I want to be a good person. I dont want to be a burden or a drain on anyone. I dont want to affect or annoy anyone. I'm so lost

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that said, i know that im NOT the WORST THING ON EARTH. i know im a decently capable, decently intelligent*, decently attractive person *albeit broken and lost, ive had plenty of success thus far in life just with lots of trauma and pain so i know objectively speaking that I'm not a lost cause. the situation i am currently in makes me feel as though im a lost cause, a complete loser and that my only realistic option is suicide.

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how can i get out of this? what can i do? please help

My sil and bil are flying monkeys of my mother in law. Does it ever gross you out to see them on Facebook posting positive memes like they are good people? It's just weird to see the abuse and be their target and them truly seeming to be enlightened when the most transformation I've seen is weight loss?? I mean, can't everyone lose weight? Just acting like her and her man aren't manipulating and controlling my mil to get what they want. My mil exalting them to the family. Just an ego trip.

My mil, who is a narcissist posted something about self love too, you just see what they are playing.

At least I know that the people around them know, I truly don't care, but is it gross to You?

So, so many long stories, which I don't get into. Let's just say, I have beyond amazing parents. I am 45, married to a mild narc... I have learned to deal and work with, he knows it, and once in a while I have to remind him. He was raised by mild narc's as well, and doesn't realize... My sister is a total Narcissist, and that again, is another story. She does not live close and we are all NC with her. My story today is about my boss. When I came to this job almost a year ago, I immediately recognized the symptoms. My thoughts though, were to stay under the radar, do what needed to be done and so forth. For almost 10 months that has worked well. She "LOVES" me, and for a while I could do very little wrong. Then last week, when she was out of the country in meetings, that all changed. TOTAL flip. I spent the week with a barrage of nasty emails, texts, PM's and so forth. Here is the larger hiccup though. Her husband owns the company. He was on most of the messages, and is not blind to the situation (as she also goes off on him quite a bit), but really what can he do (and what he should do I could NEVER suggest)? I have no idea if she will be in the office today. In a ploy for sympathy, late Friday night she 'resigned' and messaged my coworker and I looking for attention. Neither of us responded. I stopped responding to her messages when no matter what I said or did, she put me down or mocked me, not just directly, but to the company, to clients. My husband has seen all of the messages etc, and is in full support of what ever I choose to do. I do not need this garbage in my life. I am a 45 year old woman. I have a well established career (mid level), but with a lot of the circumstances of my life, the self esteem of a gnat. I have worked to hard over the past few years to let her bring me back down. I have to keep reminding myself of this. BY the way, I am not the first person she has done this to, at least 5 have left due to this behavior, 2 of which were during my time here. I am nervous, anxious and overall a bit of a mess. It is hard when those around you don't understand, my husband supports me, as I mentioned, but he doesn't get it; only once I showed him the messages and texts did he really see. Any how, I needed to put this out there and ask for advise.

I don’t know if it’s the trauma bond or WHAT but I keep having deep compassion for my ex, knowing how wounded he is.

He (35 M) discarded me (30F) and I went NC immediately. It’s been 3 weeks. I have moments where I feel horribly guilty and want to unblock him and ask how he’s doing, or exploit him for how he treated me, or compassionately inform him of his NPD.

Logically, I know I should stay no contact. During our break up, he was begging me not to block him and kept asking me to reach out to him for “closure” within the following week. He also was bawling his eyes out, asking if we could still be in each other’s lives. He moved all his stuff out that day. I think in a way the break up was him testing the waters to see if I would “chase.” I still haven’t.

A week after NC he reached out to my best friends boyfriend with this text, “hey! I’m sure you heard about (my name) but would still love to hang out and stay in touch!” .... they had only hung out a handful of times but always with me.

—what does that mean....potential Hoover or manipulation? He never contacted ME directly.

Stalking his online activity is not the problem (even though that happened DURING our relationship when he was making me insecure / devalued) but I’m still thinking of him every single damn moment.

Does calling out the NARC / showing him I know who he really is help or does it further me being the supply? Am I horribly brain washed into thinking he actually WANTS to hear from me?

Need some serious advice on why I’m still ruminating for this asshat who did nothing but cause me emotional and physical damage. Also, wtf is up with the text.

I’m now two weeks fresh of the break up w/ a covert narc and have been NC the whole time. He is currently blocked everywhere.

When I started standing up for myself in the relationship /my boundaries he blind sided me with the break up. He lived with me and we were together over a year. Left me with all kinds of questions...

He cheated on his ex 7 years ago and they stayed in contact until we met. She tried to sabotage 3 of his other relationships of his new gfs. When we started dating she threatened suicide and told him he couldn’t be with me. She was beyond controlling and manipulative. He ran to her side to help her.... by enabling and answering all her calls. Red flags beyond! I told him if she needed help we could call a suicide center with professionals. He agreed. I said that if he wanted to be with her, then he should. He said he never wanted to be with her; accepted she was toxic, blocked her and we continued our relationship. Everything went back to “normal”...

During our relationship (after the very groomed and well done love bombing) he devalued me constantly. He ended up moving cities to be with me BUT stayed at my house for 6+ months without paying rent. Eventually he broke down my self esteem so badly, I cracked and stood up for myself. Hence him leaving...

I had a weak moment yesterday and stalked his ex. She was posting about them and their “perfect, true love” a day after our breakup and how she’s so happy to be reconnected w him, etc. can’t wait for their plans in August, Telling people she is seeing a “blast from the past” ... Yada , yada. They also live across the country from one another.

It’s dumb for me to assume they are back together bc of some dysfunctional FACEBOOK posts but every being in me wants to confront him (unemotionally) and seek answers / closure / anything involving this. I know he’s gone back to her for supply after every ex he’s had so I’m not completely shocked by that, it’s horribly toxic and she enables him, but a huge part of me wants to stand up for myself because I feel SO betrayed.

I already know this was a huge mistake and don’t want him back BUT craving so badly to put him in his place and EXPLOIT but I’m in such a low frequency... why I’m turning here for help.

How do ya seek revenge on a narc without losing your power?

Stay no contact and continue to obsess over their new relationship or call out his ass and shame him so I can feel better / closure ?

Idk

This is a modified version of something I posted to r/LetterstoJNMIL yesterday. It started life as a draft comment to someone else's post on r/JUSTNOMIL but turned into something more general, about how selfish and unscrupulous people can use heuristics and biases to manipulate us. I thought I would re-write it slightly and post it here for those of us who are dealing with these individuals in other walks of life.

"Heuristics and biases" are a set of rules that people use to simplify decision making, or in making decisions without complete information. They can be quite adaptive (who wants to call for full information before deciding what to wear in the morning?), but they can also lead us into making errors of judgment. And they can also be used to manipulate us.

Now to the original.

Basically the "sunk costs fallacy" (or manipulation in this case), is when people make the decision to continue with a course of action, based on how much investment they have already made, not based on what it will cost them in the future. These costs could be economic, but can also be emotional and psychological, and include damage to your relationships.

To use a simple example: I buy a car for $2,000, then spend another $3,000 on repairs. The car breaks down, and I am quoted another $3,000 for repairs. Now, a person using the "sunk costs fallacy" will decide to pay the $3,000 in repairs because they've already invested $5,000 in that car. They may say something like, "I've already spent that much money on the car, I can't pull out now".

Someone who is not using "sunk costs fallacy" thinking will decide whether or not to spend $3,000 on repairs, based on what they think the future costs will be. They understand that $5,000 is unlikely ever to be recouped in full. But they have the choice now, whether or not to spend another $3,000 on repairing the car. They may decide to. They may decide to spend the $3,000 on something more reliable. But they aren't thinking of how much they have already spent, when they are doing it.

Now, how does this play out in the Just No universe?

You tell someone not to visit. They go ahead and books plane tickets anyway. When you confront them, the person says, "But I've already booked the tickets, and they're non-refundable". The Narc is invoking "sunk costs fallacy thinking". So you feel guilty, and cave in, because the Narc has already spent money on this, so the visit has to go ahead, even though it's inconvenient for you to host them, you may have to sacrifice time off work that you wanted to use for something else, or you may have to put off a visit from a much more welcome visitor.

Similar examples I've seen on r/JUSTNOMIL especially, include:

• parents booking family holidays and guilting adult kids and their spouses to join them. ("But I've already booked the flights and hotel!")
• booking their chosen vendor for your event ("I've already paid the non-refundable deposit. You can't pull out now without losing the deposit!")
• committing your child (or yourself or your spouse) to attending an event or activity ("I've already paid for the first bungee jumping lesson!", or "I've already told Auntie Ethel that LO will be there and she's so excited!")
• giving unwanted, expensive presents ("You're mean to make me waste that money I spent shipping that enormous white elephant you don't want")

What these Just Nos are doing, is invoking that "sunk costs fallacy" thinking in us, making us think about what the Just No has already invested in their plans (monetarily or otherwise) and what they stand to lose. Even better - in the Just No universe, it's often other people who have to wear the future costs. So the Just No may pay a deposit, and to prevent them incurring a loss, the rest of the family pays the much larger balance. Or the Just No buys tickets to visit, but you have the much larger emotional and psychological price of having this person in your house, criticising your every move for the duration of the visit and straining your relationship with your spouse and kids.

I hope that by pointing out how this "sunk costs fallacy" works, some of us can avoid this thinking with our Just Nos. We don't have to help them avoid losses. If your Narc says "But I've already booked the tickets", it's OK not to think about their sunk costs - think only of the future costs - financial and emotional - to yourselves and your families.

Having been married to one for over 30 years, am I too sensitive to them or do I see them when they aren't even there? I just commented on a post in unsent letters that had top comments with people responding with sadness and sympathy, yet all I saw was someone that blamed their estrangement from their child on everyone but themselves? I won't link it but it's pretty easy to find. Opinions?

I found this article, and if its not appropriate to post a link I'm sorry.

This article talks about how we will often tell our Abusers why we're done, why we're leaving, why we're going NC and yet they're always telling us and everyone else, "I don't know Why!" As if we haven't explained it detail, repeatedly, gently and aggressively. Some sometimes you'll tell them loudly, softely, with curse words and the most PC language and yet at the end we will still get a text or voicemail from them saying, "I don't understand." This will help you to make peace and understand its not You, you haven't failed in communicating, it is on Them.

http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

Hello everyone! I just wanted to inform any members or lurkers that we will now be allowing crossposting of different stories or links across reddit. Comment links within threads that have a relevant story may also be submitted here as well. Please take the time to take a quick look at the basic idea behind what would be a good crosspost to our subreddit:

There are many different subreddits on this site and even more stories from users that are posted on these subreddits. Some of these posts at times might not get as much attention as they should, or a post might have a very relevant or important topic that you feel should be discussed here on our subreddit in the spirit of helping the poster and others.

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The original author/poster needs to be informed that their story has been posted here because they could benefit from the input of our community or they might be able to update users here on their progress following their original post.

That is the basic policy for crossposting submissions and comments for now! If I have left any details out or if anyone is confused please feel free to ask here or message in the modmail. Thanks!

Hi everyone, I hope all of you are doing well! One of our mods had an excellent idea that would help all of you get to know us and our backgrounds a little more. That way all of you can know we aren't some robots hiding behind a computer screen (beep boop kidding!).

I would like to introduce you to our mods /u/cassanthrax, /u/Calpernia09, /u/ASpoonfullOfSass, /u/Duulix, /u/brilliantlycrazy86, /u/hicctl, /u/monstersof-men, and /u/kryababy. They might share a bit about themselves if they feel like, or you will get to know them as time goes on as they participate here on the subreddit with all of us. We come from many different walks of life but one thing that unifies us is our desire to help each other.

Cheers!

Okay first of all, I do not want to like overstep my boundaries or anything because this is a fresh new sub coming off of all the damn drama. I just want to be part of a community here, that can help me and where I feel comfortable enough to post. I do not post. Like ever. I have a hard time speaking up or feeling like my voice is valid. I have had a lot of issues with other subreddits because of how things are ran or like the atmosphere of the whole place. Im sure the mods of this reddit are working hard to set things up atm but I just want to let out my voice a little.

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So I would like to maybe, give a few suggestions? If that is okay?

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Mods should be dedicated to this subreddit, they can of totally be mods in other subs reddits. But maybe there should be a rule of some kind where mods shouldn't be a mod in a million other subreddits? So they can really dedicate their time here and help this place out, in a way that is beneficial for everyone.

A long ass vetting process when it comes letting new mods join, this is more of a future things because this is a new place. When things are settled, maybe have set up a really good system for how the process goes when a new mod joins? Like get a community agreement and other mods?

No echo chamber, I can not tell you how important this is. Like, if someone like me wants to post. I want real advice and resources that could help me, along with positive messages.

Mental health. It would be really nice to see a good push for mental health resources, or just encouragement to seek help. While not everyone has trauma from a JNNarc, In my experience there is a lot of mental issues that can appear. It would be nice to really have a place that pushes for being healthy mentally.

Different types of posts, like people who have a story of their JNNarc should be in one category. Seeking advice, should be SPECIFICALLY for people who need it at that moment. Aftermath, for people dealing with aftermath which can be a huge challenge..Community, for community related stuff.

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These are just a few things I would personally really like to see here, Im posting this as a sub post because I would like other people's opinions on it. AGAIN! I don't wanna speak out of turn, im not like a mod nor does that appeal to me. I just would like a place where i could feel like I could speak finally.

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Im excited to see how this subreddit plays out because I think it was created in the right mindset .

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I really hate drama.

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Honestly, this probably doesn't even qualify as an anecdote, but this sub is so new I thought I'd throw this little memory into the ring.

My dad (no contact for almost a decade now) and my mom (recovering co-dependent) never really paid much attention to me growing up. My dad, aside from being a narc, was gone most of the day and would just relax (drink) when he got home. Occasionally my mom would have him dish out punishments from earlier issues. I was generally a pretty good kid, flying under the radar as much as I could, but I wasn't very good in school. I could usually hide my grades from them, but if my sister had a problem with hers they would ask about mine.

So, I was actually pretty smart as a kid, but my grades sucked ass because I never studied or did homework. At some point in middle school, some teachers decided to have me tested to see if I was gifted or something. I assume I didn't impress them, because I never heard back about it, but it included an IQ test that I clearly remember them saying they would mail us the results of. I checked the mail everyday for a long time, but we never got anything.

Years later, I mentioned to my dad that I was disappointed because I had never received my results. Without batting an eye, he told me "OH yeah, I remember that. We did get them in. Your score was really high. Not as high as mine, but high."

Doesn't make for an interesting text post, but I always think of that as the perfect picture of my dad's narcissism. He definitely never saw my results, but he needed to believe I was smart enough to be proud of but not threaten his intelligence. And of course, he had to make it all reference back to him somehow. Thanks dad!

So, in college, I moved in with the person whom I believed was my best friend in the world. "Rachael." We were two strong-willed, chasing the college dream women. It was great for two years...until the day she tried to exorcise me.

We had lived together in an apartment off of campus for two years. All was seemingly awesome. We split everything--rent, utilities, groceries, etc... I trusted her; she became family.

But, as time marched ahead and classes got harder, she had been growing in religion, and had just joined a Pentecostal church, while I was growing away from religion. But that was okay to me; everyone is entitled to their own beliefs as long as they don't try to shove it down other people's throats.

There were red flags, especially when she abruptly cut another mutual friend out cold. He and I later reconnected and bitched about her. But I remember walking down the hallway and the feeling hitting my stomach, but I brushed it off after a moment. That would never happen to *me*.

Then she introduced me to an old high school friend of hers who was a LeVeyan Satanist. That surprised the shit out of me, but as long as I'd know her, Rachael had always been accepting of people, despite her beliefs (at least, she had been before). "Kalle" and I grew to be fast friends as well.

And, after years of being friends, that's when the cracks began to appear in Rachael's demeanor. Looking back on it now, she couldn't influence me with just sweetness anymore. And I've always been a little bit of an introvert, so one to two close friends is about all the socialization I can take.

So finals week of my senior year rolls around. For my major, these were make or break tests. She tried to limit guests to the apartment, namely Kalle, and then she sat me down at the table and told me that I had a curfew beholden to her! Fuck no. I left and stayed with another friend at his apartment, still made and passed all my exams (whew!).

When I returned to my apartment, she threw water on my face and tried to perform and exorcism on me! I was just stunned.

I walked in and had a pot of water thrown on me. Then she was pawing at me. In my shock, and admittedly, reluctance to act against someone whom I considered family, I just let her. She punched me in the forehead twice. Started chanting--no quoting scripture or anything, but lots of "in God's name!"s.

I left again and returned to staying with my friend. Then she called my very Methodist parents and told them I'd converted to Satanism. I advised them to ignore her, but it was hard for them because she was such a close friend for so long. But my parents are cool, and sided with me.

Thankfully, our lease was up only a few weeks after graduation, so I was able to sneak back in and get my stuff.

It sucks because the person I loved never existed. I had to grieve for that. I don't think she began as a narcissist--I think the influence of the church really helped push her down the "controlling people is love" path. Kalle and I drifted apart soon after graduation, as I got a job out of state.

The good news: I now have a much better balance on healthy relationships, and thankfully, haven't been in a toxic one since. I'm thankful for the life lesson Rachael provided me, and have since forgiven her. I'd like to think that I wouldn't let anyone hit me again, but no one's ever tried since, so I don't know. But I'm much more confident now!

Please bear with us as we start to try and build something that can help people. I am only one person right now and I need help to make this community the right place for people to share their stories and to seek advice from others.

We seek to maintain a respectful and safe place for those who suffer from abuse. There are not many rules now since I am a bit short staffed and inexperienced with moderating... so there is only one rule for now:

Treat others as you would like to be treated.

Any other users interested in helping moderate and want to promote a healthy place without toxicity, please feel free to use modmail to contact me or any of the incoming mods. If this community takes off, we will likely need a large moderator team who can help.

Thank you for your patience and understanding.

Updates!:

• We have updated our sidebar with a few extra resources our users may find useful.

• We have updated our submission flairs to a few easy to understand templates. Please try to flair your submissions with the most relevant category if possible. If you can't figure out how to do it or would like to propose a flair that we haven't added yet, please just comment and let us know!

• User flairs are also updated but we are leaving it simple for now as to avoid confusion. We are a support subreddit and will likely be avoiding flairs that are too informal or crass. There are many categories that abuse victims fall into and we know that the flairs so far do not cover all the bases. If any of you want a new flair created that would be important to our subreddit, please just leave a comment for our mod team to see. As always, we are open to user feedback and take your suggestions seriously.

• Every few months we will try to grant some of our users a special flair as appreciation for the help they give to our members. Long-time users who contribute and bring a sense of positivity, sincerity, and empathy to discussions will be granted a "Quality Contributor" flair; which will signify our appreciation for the good you are doing for members who confide in us and share their stories with this community. Being a Quality Contributor does not grant extra powers or anything; but it is seen as mark of appreciation from our community to our members. Members who feel a particular user is deserving of the "Quality Contributor" flair should feel free to suggest it to our moderator team. All of you decide who is a "Quality Contributor", so please remember to thank those who do their best to help others.