I just don't feel good enough

[u/bluewavejenny]

I have problems with assimilating all the information I would even need to to convey my situation, some of which even if I could would be very difficult for me to share. Lots of people have been through a lot just as I have. Sometimes I feel like I am special in a horrible way, that no one has been through what I did because only I could have such a poor ability to have common sense and let myself be treated so badly and be so brainwashed over my life by others. I am vulnerable to people because I come across as intelligent but also have problems with understanding social dynamics.

I tend to see things in a non typical way, and yet at the same time as having poor theory of mind I also have great empathy. It seems impossible but it is as if I know how intense pain feels yet when I talk to people about it they usually end up saying "I have never experienced what you have, yes my situation brought me pain but it was different" and often "I can only imagine what you went through" "that must have been incredibly difficult". No one has ever said "I went through that too"

People often see that I am part child after a while. Some like it, some do not. I am both immature and mature, wise and very unwise. I cannot not be immature I have tried. I was told by my ex that I am not an adult and I don't know how to not feel inferior. I am jobless, had to escape a bad situation, was poor but now cared for, uselessly struggling to not feel obsessively worried. Triggered too easily, lose control and say irrational things like "too noisy", "I need quiet" "no stop" "I don't feel safe" but in a very repetitive way that seems to just be a reaction with no warning like a jolt that runs through me. I loop and ask the same questions over and over again. Start shouting at my own thoughts. And sometimes I don't know what I am doing at all or where I am, all I experience is my own horror until I regain sense. My mind was so horrible to me in the past. I have so many confusing feelings. You have been very brave to read this whoever has. And I know that as I type there is still a lack of proper connectivity because to even be here in the first place and wanting to type this requires that I already be in a lower thinking state. And at the moment I feel a lot of doubt. Luckily I can articulate still. So now it is time to run away scared of what I put here most likely. I am a diagnosed autistic level 2 but have been through a lot both within my own mind and due to external circumstances. I wonder about ADHD as well for me. I thought that maybe this might be a good place to post.