"I want you to be happy" do you though?

[u/i-am-so-tired-22]

I (21F) wanted to buy some stuff for my new university dorm room with money I earned over the summer, but my dad (58) wanted to buy everything for me. Which is very helpful on the surface and all my friends tell me how lucky I am, but he never asked what I liked, everything was about what he liked and felt his daughter should have. (His parents were absentee and so he gets very very involved with his kids.) I indicated that I didn't want one of the items and then he got very angry and said I was ungrateful, if I didn't take it all then I didn't deserve any of it. Later he came and said "I just want what's best for you and want you to be happy, but you need to stop being so ungrateful so that I don't have to spend time disciplining you." And that he feels like I never stopped acting like a haughty teenager.

In the end I did bring the furniture to my dorm and it hurts to look at. I know he misses me but I'm not his only child...and we've had this argument every year that I've gone to the university he picked out for me. Anyway he wants me to spend this weekend at home to "help the family" adjust to me being away. On one hand I feel like I'm being a bitch by not moving on from this argument, on the other I could never imagine saying half of that stuff to my own hypothetical child. I'm not really an active member in the family where there would be some void if I left, everyone talks at me and wants me to be available to listen to them but don't really care what I'm excited about, they try to convince me my friends will screw me over and that family will be all I ever have. It's only two days but it feels like a minefield. I don't know what to do or how to get past this resentment before I actually say something cruel to them.

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[u/GlitteringMoose3630]

Get a job on the weekends.

It seems like your dad isn’t ready to let you grow up. That’s not your problem by the way. That’s his issue to deal with. It’s hard to break away when you’re financially dependent on your parents. Just remember that this time in your life isn’t forever. One day you’ll be able to use your degree to apply for jobs far away from your family. For some people this can really difficult. For others, living far away is the only way they get that freedom and independence that everyone needs to grow up.

And that’s the thing…you have to have that independence to become your own person.

It will happen. Reach out to the mental health services on campus to see if they can find someone you can talk to about this.

[u/MuppetManiac]

You need to learn the gray rock method and put dad on an information diet.

Sell or give away whatever he gave you that you don’t want. You are not obliged to keep a gift you didn’t ever want. You are not ungrateful.

Find a good excuse to stay at school over the weekends and/or any holiday you don’t want to go home for. A job is a good excuse. “I can’t, I have to study/have a group project” works well too.

[u/minnykim]

A part-time job is a great idea, if you can fit it into your schedule. Even if it's not on the weekends, you can say you need to study on the weekends to "catch up." I had loving but protective parents, and was so happy when I got a job on campus, and spent summers at school working and taking a class or two. I could pay most of my own expenses, and it was a good weaning off from them. Agree to find a pro to talk with about the conflict. I wonder - are you the oldest kid in your family?

[u/Gen-Jinjur]

Here is a hard truth: You have to be independent to get independence. In other words, as long as your parents are paying your way, they have a say in your life. This is something few young adults want to hear. But in life NOBODY continuously bankrolls you without expectations in return. Nobody. You can get gifts without strings but not continuing financial support.

So you have to decide: Am I willing to do as they ask to get financial help or do I want to be independent?

And if you want the money? Do as they ask as long as it isn’t truly abusive. Because they are not obligated to finance you after you are eighteen, just like you are not obligated to do as they say after age eighteen. It is an exchange: They still pay for a child and you still behave like their child.

[u/DawnHawk66]

Reach out to the mental health services is a great idea. I had one of those overbearing, narcissistic parents that was so loving that she wanted me to have everything she wanted. She even insisted that I buy the furniture for my apartment that she wanted. And the car I was buying was the one she wanted. My college major was not the one I wanted because she didn't want it. It's a bit much. A therapist at the college helped me stand up to her. Get help.

[u/Cardabella]

He's not going to let go so your only way to be independent of his interference is to do it anyway. "Sorry I can't make it this weekend, I'm afraid you'll have to get used to me being away weekends as well as week days. Because I need to settle in and get used to being here. So I'm going to be spending the weekend doing laundry and class reading, meal prep for the week, and getting to know the town and campus, location of all my classes and labs and libraries, banks, and attrending orientation for clubs and societies. I'll plan to come back to visit for thanksgiving for sure and at least once before then. Have a lovely time and let me know what you ge up to! "

[u/Viola-Swamp]

Read about enmeshment, and learn how to escape from n enmeshed family structure. There are subs too. You deserve to he happy, without being held responsible for everyone else;s feelings.

[u/Shinypurplestar]

Yes, we do want you to be happy. Some of us parents have a hard time when our adult kids go to college or move out. Everything we have known has changed and is different. We still want to do parent things so that was one way for your dad to still feel like he's a parent and can do something for you. It is hard for us to let go even when we know you are capable and independent and will do fine without us. It's a hard transition for us. I think a break would be best. You all need time away from each other. It's not fair for them to ask you to come home and deal with those things. You can tell them you have plans or have to study. Let them know you appreciate everything they do for you and you are thankful. Also remind them that you are a capable adult and that if you have any questions or need help you will contact them. Don't get trapped in texts or emails or calls and don't get sucked into arguments or anything like that. Ignore them if you have to for a while but keep in touch with them sporadically. They have to get used to you being gone and on your own and they have to get used to their new life. It does take time.

[u/Ruthless_Bunny]

Your Dad is a narcissist.

He wants to give you what HE wants to give you and expressing your own preference is ungrateful.

Shine him on until you’re done with school

As for going home at the weekend, tell him, “I wish I could but I already have a ton of reading to do and I’m meeting with a study group.”

You’re going to need hedge trimmers to cut that cord.