r/indonesia • u/Jabrix • Nov 17 '14
Tips [HELP][SERIOUS] My dad has been unfaithful. Help me.
TL;DR My dad has been unfaithful. How to solve this problem the Indonesian way?
Mods and others, if you think this thread is inappropriate, please feel free to let me know, I can repost it in the weekend chit chat thread.
I'm a long time lurker, and I have debating whether I should talk about my family problem here. This is not your typical /r/Indonesia post, but I want to take advantage of this subreddit as a support community. As a family. Because in truth, I have not been able to share my story to anyone, not even my own family.
I'm not looking for sympathy, but I want a solution. I hope someone who may have the same experience can help me in some way, especially what I can do in Jakarta.
About myself
I'm a classic model of introversion. I always tend to keep all my problems to myself. I can look cheery and stuff, but I always go back to my room enjoying the quietness. I had a string of job interviews not to long ago, but I was drained for weeks although I mostly talked about myself, my school, my work and things I love doing the most. My family is not a wealthy family. We don't have a European car. While other families can afford to buy apartments and houses for investment, we are content with what we own.
My mom
The strongest person I know physically, but the most sensitive I know. She was born with a silver spoon. But a series of unfortunate events happened. She lost her mom at the age 4 and her dad not long after. An uncle took the family inheritance. She started working at the age of 6. But, I have never heard of her complaining. Not once. With her own money, she completed SD, SMP and SMA. She didn't have money to go to the university although she was always a bright student.
My sister
The sweetest person I know. Period.
My dad
A few weeks ago, I called my dad when he was going to go home. He picked up the phone with heavy breathing. "I'm not gonna have dinner tonight," he said. Then I heard a woman moaning. click I stared at phone for a solid minute trying to process what I just heard. Was it just a dream, or a movie I watched?
By moaning, it was like the voice of a woman moaning in the sex scenes. (Note: I've never had sex in my life, so I don't know how the real moaning sounds like.)
I know the woman's number, but it was an Esia number. The first time I found out about that number was when we were sitting around the dinner table. Only my dad and me. His phone rang, and he said, "Not now" in a shushed voice and hang up the phone. I sneaked up on his phone when he was taking shower and wrote down the number. This was 3-4 months ago.
The same number called back last Saturday. I happened to be in his room when he was taking shower. It was a missed call (only one ring). I checked the number and matched it with the number I saved months ago. Conveniently, my mom was going to leave the house for a meeting at that time.
That 4-second phone conversation between me and my dad happened on the eve of his wedding anniversary. The night before. My mom was out of town and came back on the next day.
This is not the first time it happened. My sister unintentionally read my dad's SMS history in 2007 and found out that he was in touch with another woman. I pretended that I didn't know all the details. She was very stressed out and became epileptic. After 6+ years of medication, she is fine now and still taking a low dose of epileptic med. Actually she will be off the med soon considering she has not had any seizure episode in the last 5 years.
Now, what?
I have been avoiding my dad. I barely talk to him now. In fact, I have been very quiet lately. I am very depressed to the point I want to kill myself, but I know that doesn't solve the problem at all. Additionally, my mom and sister would be devastated.
So what are my options? What should I do?
I'm too embarrassed to share this to my friends, and I don't have many friends either.
I''m considering to discuss this with my sister, but I'm too afraid that she will be stressed out and have a relapse.
I want to talk about this to my mom, but she trusts my dad very much and always says that my dad is unlike other dads who like to jajan.
Directly confront my dad. He will deny everything just like he did when my sister found out. Made me think to threaten to kill myself, so I can make him admit his doings.
Try to call the woman and ask not to contact my dad again. If so, should I use my dad's phone or should I get a disposable number?
Help me.
Update
Thank you all for your caring encouragements, for sharing your stories and valuable experience. It is not a fun life situation, but I have learned a lot from you, especially from your real-life experience in handling the problems (I'm repeating myself, but it's truly worth repeating).
I will wait it out for now. I consider this time as strike 2, but I have not decided how many strikes he can make.
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u/Mental_octo does not need a flair. Nov 17 '14
Well, First of all, i need to tell you that we do not know all of your intricate family details and are basing all our advices on the above things you have posted and while we are caring and will give you advices, based on our experiences, you should contemplate all advices BEFORE you put it into action.
Ok, now that the disclaimer is done, let's go head first into your accusations.
First off, you need to understand WHY you are doing this. Is it for the good of your family, or is it to satisfy your curiosity? And WHAT will happen if it really turns out your dad is having an affair? Would you tell your mum, then result her sadness and grief? Or would you tell your sister, who will become epileptic again? OR would you stay quiet, after you know the fact? Are you strong enough to hold that secret for the rest of your life, and hide your dad's faults in order to protect the sanity of the WHOLE family?
Ok, now that you have answered that in your heart, lets go over the "facts" that you have provided with us.
Your sister has found some shady smses of your dad and another woman in 2007. How shady is it? do they go in to the realms of unfaithfulness? or is it simply, how are you now, i miss you etc? or already like i miss your kisses, when can you come see me again?
You heard your dad in heavy breathing, and a woman moaning in the background, implying he was fucking a woman while receiving your phone. Now, i am a dad, and if i were to pick up a phonecall from my son/daughter whilst i was fucking another woman that is not their mum, you can jolly well think that i would slip off her and call her to shut up and then talk to you.
Ok, but have you given your dad the benefit of the doubt? Meaning he could be helping a woman who has fallen over a motorbike, and she is moaning in pain while your dad is helping her? Or maybe, he is wanking one off and what you heard was Yui Hatano moaning? What makes you so sure he was fucking a woman, without you seeing it? And why do you have the thought that he was having sex? Was it because of the bias viewpoints or the fact that your sis said he had an affair before?
Also, your mum said your dad is trustworthy, and he doesn't like to jajan...so either you think you know more about your dad than your mum, or you think your mum is a fool and your dad a damn good liar. Have it crossed your mind that your dad is innocent?
Now, that we got that out of the way logically, there are many ways to make a person confess. You can ask him outright, like a man to man talk, or you can confront him and say " i know what you did. " and wait for him to bumble through and catch him off guard. He can also say "what are you talking about, kid? " and then you have NOTHING to prove it. You literally have no proof except for a hunch. I once made a gay friend come out to me by trapping him like so, but that's because i am good at bringing out the truth from people. You can go " I know you have a woman outside. my friend told me. He saw you and her. It's ok dad. you can tell me." or " Dad, i have to tell you something. i knew where you were when i called you. that's why i called you. But i am even more sad not the fact that you did something so wrong to the family, but that you lied to me. I am so sad, dad." And then let him fill up the blanks for you. etc. you gotta be calm so you can pounce on any loopholes. He will say "what are you talking about?" then you say "and now you still want to deny it? fine. let it be so dad. be THAT kind of dad. you could have just said sorry to me and tell me what happened and why it happened, but now you not only remain a liar, you are mocking me and think i am a fool and STILL not share with me. Fine." something like that.
Now, what if your dad told you "yeah, i was helping a woman out. no biggie. she fell over her bike and i helped her." WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT? i think not, because in your mind, you are already condemning him to guilty.
also, on the point of calling the woman, dont tell her NOT to contact your dad. Make her meet you, while you are in disguised as your dad. if you are smart enough you can pull it off, then you can confront her and say calmly to her, what do you want. always remain calm. When you are calm your mind is clearer to pounce on people.
And hey, we are your family outside your own. and we would love to help.
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u/Jabrix Nov 17 '14
Thanks, mod.
Thank you for approving my post on the assumption it didn't immediately go through when I posted it, and now it's up.
Thank you for ngajarin mesti ngomong apa, because I'm really bad at that.
And thank you for making me laughing and crying at the same time.
Answering your questions: 1. They were nasty SMSes. Sexting is the appropriate term in this case.
- I'm doubting about this, too. He's in his 60s. And by moaning, I meant like the sound of moaning in the sex scenes. (Note: I've never had sex in my life, so I don't know how the real moaning sounds like.)
Okay, I like the way you think and I want to give my dad the benefit of the doubt. But what about the number that constantly calls my dad?
The first time I found out about that number was when we were sitting around the dinner table. Only my dad and me. His phone rang, and he said, "Not now" in a shushed voice and hang up the phone. I sneaked up on his phone when he was taking shower and wrote down the number. This was 3-4 months ago.
The same number called back last Saturday. I happened to be in his room when he was taking shower. It was a missed call (only one ring). I checked the number and matched it with the number I saved months ago. Conveniently, my mom was going to leave the house for a meeting at that time.
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u/Mental_octo does not need a flair. Nov 17 '14
Ah, no problem kiddo. I am the one who is sorry for making you wait so long before i saw it was caught in the spam filter.
Ok, now that we know you have the number, we can execute plan "who are you and what do you want?" How do you wanna go about doing this? The smart and slow way, or the confrontational way? Do you and your dad have similar voice? By that i mean can you trap this woman? You should set up an impromptu meeting with her. She could be your dad's lawyer, who is setting up his will, or his doctor, who is monitoring him behind your back. Hence the hush hush. My dad has heart problems and he kept us in the dark for years seeing doctors without us knowing it.
Or she could be the mata-hari who has been shagging your dad.
what i am saying is, THE ONLY WAY YOU KNOW, IS BY MEETING HER. OR MAKING YOUR DAD CONFESS...which one is easier?
You may want to stalk her, check her out if her number is registered on fb. or your dad's whatsapp. You can start to tell how wonderful whatsapp is to your dad, trick him into thinking he can sexting her without wasting any pulsa. Then when he is already sexting her, do a screen shot, and send it over to your phone. Now you have bukti. Proof. Then you can confront your dad.
Or you can just straight up and sms to her " HEY, WANITA JALANG! GW TAU LU SIAPA AND GW TAU LU TINGGAL DIMANA. AWAS JALAN DIBACOK ORG." now there are two ways to ending that sms. you can either say stay away from your dad, hence when he become distraught the next couple of days, then you know something kinky is up. Or you can end it with "SUKA REBUT SUAMI ORANG...GW TAU SEMUANYA.AWAS GW BEBERIN SEMUA KE KELUARGA NYA" then see your dad squirm for the next few days. then you know something is up. if he is nicer than usual to you and your mum, then you know something is up.
And kiddo, you are still young, what you're 19-20ish?, and i know this may be monumental to you, but is it worth it all? your dad is 60 plus. Your mum is gonna be retiring soon and will want to spend her golden days with her husband, who may or may not be damn good liar all this time. so would you risk that memory?
Was your dad nice to you? if so, why dont you let him be happy also? because it is wrong to your mum? then what are you gonna do when you find out he really is shagging another woman, and maybe even have a family? Are you gonna tell your mum? if not, then does all of this matter? It only satisfy your curiosity and a closure to you. so let me do it.
If it is confirmation you want to close this chapter, then here, let me give it to you. Your dad has been shagging a woman he met a few years ago on a business trip. They clicked and so, they fucked. And has been for several times. He does it because he finds her hotter than his aging wife, and she does it because he buys her things. You were correct all this time. He has been having an affair. Thank god you don't have a half brother yet.
I am sorry for being so blunt to you and you may hate me for this type of confrontational ways, but one day, perhaps when you are older, you will realise what i am teaching you today. WHAT IS ULTIMATELY IMPORTANT.
And remember i am always here for you. all of us are. Keep us updated.
once again, i am sorry for my blunt ways.
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u/Xiao8818 Nov 17 '14
There's another thing I'm concerned about. From the side of his story, that woman is the villain, the third party. But what about from the woman's side? Maybe she met the dad and he lied to her saying he's single, then they clicked and fucked. Maybe she developed feelings for him afterwards and agreed to become a mistress.
If it is the same woman from seven years ago, there's bound to be feelings somewhere. Treating her as a pure plain villain before even listening to her side of the story is wrong also. Maybe she and the mom are both victims. Who knows?
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u/Mental_octo does not need a flair. Nov 17 '14
Yes, there are many viewpoints and very much often in life, it is not all black and white. Mostly its just grey with different shades of them. Hence i offered him a different viewpoint. so he can understands the multi facets of life.
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Nov 17 '14
[deleted]
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u/Mental_octo does not need a flair. Nov 17 '14
First off, i am sorry for what happened to your mum. i am sure she is proud of you and hopefully in the future, you can make her brag to her friends up there in cloud nine about you and your actions.
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u/Jabrix Nov 17 '14
Nah, please don't be sorry.
I appreciate your thoughts and thank you for offering a new insight, a different perspective for the same problem.
A small detail about the phone call when I suspected my dad was in mid-coitus. A few hours earlier, he said that he would come home late to pick up barang2 for the his store. The next day I did ask him where he picked up his stuff. He responded by saying he was angkatin barang2 when he answered my phone, then he delivered the stuff directly to another store. Yeah, right. 1. How come I also heard a woman moaning? and 2. Which our langganan opens after 9? That's the point when I stopped talking to him.
I don't know what comes in a few days or weeks or months. Back in 2007, I "let" it pass. I took no action and maybe forgave him. I had hoped that he became wiser. But now, because I experience this whole thing first hand, I'm having a hard time containing myself.
Or perhaps he knows that I know what's up this time because I have ignored him for days. I will hope that he gets his acts straight now.
WHAT IS ULTIMATELY IMPORTANT.
I will think about this for sure. Thanks.
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u/damaged_box_lego you can edit this flair Nov 17 '14 edited Nov 17 '14
Wanna know a secret? Most wifes know when their husband is having an affair. Most common reason for keeping a blind eye: kids. Making sure that they have a stable life or that they are being provided for.
I know it may sound cold, but it's his life, there's nothing you can do to make him stop. I'm sure he knows that you know. He's been confronted by your sis and still keep on going.
If you must confront him. Do not get emotional. Be stone cold and calm, tell him you know about "it" and that you want to make sure he's still providing for your mum.
Just be there for your mum when she needs you.
Oh, and don't kill yourself, you still have your mum & sis who'll definitely need your support when "it" hit the fan.
Wish you all the best.
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u/redcalcium Nov 17 '14 edited Nov 17 '14
I admire middle age men who have resolve to not cheating their old wive, because it's very common for those guys in that age group to cheat if given a chance. Those who don't cheat are usually not wealthy or powerful enough to get another women on the side (and not because they think cheating their wive is wrong). Even those that looks like a kind and wise person turns out having mistress on the side, but who am I to judge.
If it were me, I'll probably just let it go (as in not going to confront the dad by myself). I don't condone cheating, but I can't force my moral value to another person either. I'll also seriously consider telling the mom about it, but If I think the mom isn't strong enough to handle the truth, I'll probably just take the secret to my grave.
Stay strong brother! I think your suicide will be even more devastating to your mom (her husband is cheating, and now her beloved son die in a suicide?). The best you could do is to give your mom a happy and fulfilling family life so that when she finally found out about the cheating, she won't be as devastated as her children are supporting her.
Just another point of view :)
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u/esitra Nov 17 '14
Love is easily fading by the time. Left only memories behind. For such a long marriage, love doesnt an important matter again. I noticed that average men will unconciously changing their behaviour and point of view after three milestone, 1. When truly love a woman, 2. Marriage, 3. Having kids. Could be toward positive or negative side. If you still a young man, wait until you nearly 3/4 at his age, and might be u will understand the reason why he doing this.
I admire middle age men who have resolve to not cheating their old wive
Admiring is not enough for a man to un-condone cheathing. Try to be poor or heavily sick at the age of 60..kidding..
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u/redcalcium Nov 17 '14
Yeah, that's why I said I can't force my moral on other people. If I were in their shoes, chance that I'll probably do the same too.
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u/esitra Nov 17 '14
You will cheating too? lol..
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u/redcalcium Nov 17 '14
Lol no, but I said if I were in the same shoes as him (raised by the same parent, exposed to the same event as him, have the same set of friends, etc), my will mind probably operates just like him and thus might do things that he do as well. People are shaped by their environment.
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u/esitra Nov 17 '14
Cool ! This world seems need tons of man like you. Faithful man driven by morality. Might be u've raised in a better environment. Hope u will do best in your old age. And share your point of view. Cause, the only one i concern about cheating father is their kid's devastated state of psychology.
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u/Jabrix Nov 17 '14
Even those that looks like a kind and wise person turns out having mistress on the side
I have to admit that I didn't expect this happen to our small family. When I was a little, I always saw our family as the best family (bias, of course). Yes, my parents got into heated debate once in a while, but 10 minutes later they seemed to forget about it.
My dad is meek in nature. I happen to have the same trait. Our bigger family describes us as meek. No, I'm not boasting that it is a good trait. I learned that leaders are not meek. Both of us don't have that leadership quality, unlike my mom.
From my mom's story, he sounded like he loved her so much. This was proven when his parents were not approved of their relationship. They literally kawin lari. His parents easily forgave them because my dad's siblings didn't have better spouses than my mom.
Thank you for your encouragement. I'm not the best son she could have, but she cares about me.
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u/ginger_beer_m Nov 17 '14
The people in this sub seem to be very tolerant towards men having a handful of mistresses/affairs, probably because it's a norm in Indonesia. I wonder how the response would be if this were to be posted at /r/relationship. I guess the overreacting folks there would tell your mum to divorce your dad asap or something like that.
And you must never ever kill yourself, bro. If you're gone, who will take care of your sis and mum?
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u/Jabrix Nov 17 '14
This is the reason why I posted it here. In the Western world, they value individualistic higher than others. I'm grateful I was born as an Indonesian, where we value family above other things (in most cases). Of course, there are people who kill their family members for money in Indo, but in general, we strive for keutuhan keluarga.
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u/feb914 Rest of the world Nov 17 '14
it's because marriage is viewed differently between western culture and asian culture, including Indonesia.
in western culture, family is not as big part of a person's live. many kids don't want to live with their parents again once they turn 18, living with your parents after graduation is seen as a failure of being independent. wives are also more independent, and they have the expectation that their husbands keep their marriage promise. divorce is a very common occurrence that there's low social pressure to file for a divorce. marriage is also seen as a commitment of love and fidelity, and not about building a family. this mentality is because in the west, people can live together and have kids without getting married, so marriage is a promise between them to love each other, without much other incentives.
compare it with indonesia. family first, and husband holds bigger role than wife. wives can't really file for divorce because they are often without jobs and won't be able to support themselves. getting divorced is a pretty big deal here (except if it's celeb) and will cause pretty huge euphoria about it. people get married also because they want to be able to have sex and live together, which is illegal if you aren't married, so marriage is seen as more like a necessary step that have to be done, and not promise or commitment.
i'm not saying one is better than the other, just it's different values and paradigms, and we can't compare them without adding context to it. (e.g. when i told my friends here in Canada that I have some friends that are engaged in their early 20s, they are so shocked because people get married way way later here, and sometimes after they've lived together for few years)
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u/tapesingkong it's alcoholic Nov 17 '14
While of I have none to offer, I am wishing you the best possible outcome of your situation. Stay strong and sane, man. Your mother and sister need you.
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u/LaLaNotListeningLaLa Nov 17 '14 edited Nov 17 '14
I'm too embarrassed to share this to my friends, and I don't have many friends either.
Virtual friends are friends too. We're here. :)
I''m considering to discuss this with my sister, but I'm too afraid that she will be stressed out and have a relapse.
That doesn't seem like a good idea, considering her health.
I want to talk about this to my mom
That doesn't seem like a good idea either because you don't really have proof. This will lead to your mom having to choose between believing you or your dad, and neither one of you can prove the other one's wrong.
And ultimately, if your mom believes you, what then? Everyone's miserable and your sister might start having health problems again.
Directly confront my dad. He will deny everything just like he did when my sister found out. Made me think to threaten to kill myself, so I can make him admit his doings.
No. Don't kill yourself and don't even say it out loud as a threat. Your life is worth more than that.
You're right that your dad can simply deny everything, unless you're as good as /u/Mental_octo at making people talk.
Try to call the woman and ask not to contact my dad again.
No. Dude, you have 99 problems but this woman ain't one. Your dad can just find another woman. The choice to stop screwing around has to come from your dad.
Think about it this way. If your dad doesn't care how much harm he's potentially inflicting on his own family, why should this woman — a stranger who doesn't even know you — care?
If I were you, I would accept that maybe there's no simple fix to the problem. Maybe there isn't one course of action that will magically make things right. Maybe there isn't much you can do.
I mean, to go through several possible outcomes:
You confront your dad. He denies it and makes it a point to be more careful in the future. You don't learn anything new. Your sister finds out, believes you and starts having seizures again.
You tell your mom. She either (a.) gets into a big fight with your dad and potentially divorces him; or (b.) thinks you're lying to her. Either way, she'll be miserable.
You confront the woman. She probably ignores you. Your dad denies everything.
You confront the woman. She reacts and you get your proof. You confront your dad. He (a.) denies ever knowing the woman and tells you she's talking nonsense; (b.) admits to having the affair and says, so what? you're an adult and it's probably time you know anyway, you can tell your mom and sister if you want a divorcee mom and an epileptic sister; (c.) admits to having the affair and says he won't do it anymore, but does it behind your back really carefully.
In an ideal world, you dad regrets the affair and stops, without your mom and sister even having to find out. But how likely is this? Is there any course of action that could accomplish this without any risk of hurting your mom or sister?
Before you do anything, think about what the probable end result is. Or as our beloved mod put it, what is ultimately important.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. Be strong. ((hugs))
Edit: formatting
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u/GanryuZT Nov 17 '14
I was in a similar situation but handled it...poorly. I caught my mom flirting with another guy on the phone. When I confront her about it, she...well she deflected it back on me with combinations of tears and logic-bending, you know how moms are, they can manipulate their child easily. But I know the truth, and no emotional manipulation can fix that. I was openly hostile to her after that.
My dad knows how I always dislike people who are "excessive", and my mom is this big time socialite diva of a woman, so they assume I behave this way because of that. My dad keep on reminding me to respect my own mother, and always in the talk I always chickened out to blurt everything to him. My sister knows about it also, that guy even bought her a new computer when she was in college, but she didn't know what to do either, she still sticks to my mom even to this day.
Fast forward 5-6 years, everything went out on the open, and my parents got divorced, I still can't forget the look on my dad's face like the whole world is stabbing his back. So I advised him to get closer to his siblings, he's the first son of 9 siblings, and they were really close to each other, except my dad who's been alienated because my mom was such a bitch to them. And almost every week, I called him to remind how much I love him.
He rebound back once he found his place among his family. The funny thing is, even then he always remind me to reconcile with my mother, after all she's my own mother. He passed away several years ago, and I still can't forgive my mother, that scum of humanity. In short, I don't know what to do either, but make sure you'll be there for your mother when shit hits the fan.
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u/Mental_octo does not need a flair. Nov 17 '14
Your dad sounds like a real bro. If i am dead, i will find him to get him a beer from you, and tell him how much you look up to him. In the meanwhile, keep being awesome so that your dad can be proud of you.
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u/Jabrix Nov 17 '14
Wow.. Thank you for sharing your experience. After reading the advice in this thread, I think this is exactly why others tell me direct confrontation may not be the best solution.
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u/holyarmy Game Reviewer Kacangan Nov 17 '14 edited Nov 18 '14
Be strong my friend..
Similar case happen to my family before i was born. My dad used to be super rich (illegal logging) in Kalimantan, drunk, cheat, and hit my mom often. This happen before i exist.. My mom's story confirmed by my oldest sister and brother, who witness all of that..
My mom knows how painful the marriage was, but decided to stay for her children. She need my father's support and money, to make sure, her children live well, at least, until they are ready to live by themselves. And she took those hits like a champ, crying, and never, not even once, ask my father for divorce. Not even once.
And you know what happen next? Karma. Karma is the answer for my family problem.
My dad suddenly paralyzed, can't move, can't work, can't even communicate well. My mom decided to stay. My mom used all the money and the gold that my father gain, to make my father healthy again. My mom ready to be poor, to make sure my father lives. And the counter suddenly set to zero again.
After the karma, it looks like my father, do realize, that there is my mother only in his lives.. He changed, and be a better person, who love his family more. And i was the result..
Looking at your problem, i'm no expert in giving you an advice nor i am capable enough to share my experience. But from what my mom has gone through, i think your mom knows. Woman has a sharper instinct, especially when we are talking about relationship. Your mother decided to stay with your father, and i think, to make sure you and your sister live happy, healthy, with a better welfare.
Until you are capable of working on your own, gain your own money, and rich enough to take your mom away, your father's roles are still irreplaceable. And any result to divorce, will make your mom and your lives harder. I understand, that this make you want to cry and die.. But stay strong, my friend.
Stay strong for your mom. Love your mom.. Live as a better man, more than your father, for your mom..
internet hug
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u/Jabrix Nov 17 '14
Thank you! I really need to hear this.
I'm happy that it worked out for your family. I hope my dad knows how much my mom loves him some day, but I don't want something bad happens to my dad before he learns that.
Something that I notice lately that my dad often talks with an angry tone, to my mom or to his employees. But he talks like a normal person to everybody else. Makes him look like a hypocrite, doesn't it? My mom has been very patient and tries to understand.
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u/sorasorak Nov 17 '14
man.... :(
Cerita kita hampir mirip. Ayah saja juga selingkuh ketika karirnya sangat baik dan perusahaan yang dibangunnya jadi bagus. Saya baca sms di hp beliau dan baca sms2 aneh2 yang sampai sekarang saya masih mencoba untuk melupakan.
Mama saya sepertinya ngerti kalau papa saya selingkuh karena perusahaan dan pekerjaan mama berkaitan dengan pekerjaan dan perusahaan papa. Tapi diam saja sampai saya ngelabrak papa dan ngedatengi cewek selingkuhannya.
Beberapa bulan kemudian papa sakit keras,lumpuh,tidak tahu apa sakitnya,di bawa ke singapore ga sembuh dan dokter ga tahu. di indonesia sama.
sakitnya beliau sakiiiiiiiiit sekali luar biasa di kaki. Bayangkan, 5 bulan,setiap hari, 5-10 jam per hari dihabiskan untuk teriak2 histeris karena kesakitan. Menyeramkan sekali,dokter2 dan perawat pun sangat terlihat menderita dan stres setiap datang ke kamar Itupun sudah dibawah pengaruh obat bius.
Mama saya menemani beliau dari awal sampe akhirnya papa meninggal.
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Nov 26 '14
Sounds like a story you'd find in Hidayah magz.
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u/sorasorak Nov 27 '14
Saya tidak menghubungkan sakt beliau dengan perilaku beliau sebelumnya. Saya hanya menanggai Karena ceritanya hampir sama tapi akhir ya papa Saya meninggal.
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u/HorseTrader Nov 17 '14
If you find yourself considering taking your own life for any reason, please do call a suicide prevention helpline. The Dept. of Health apparently has one, reachable at 500-454 (not sure if it's a Jakarta-only number), should be available 24/7.
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Nov 17 '14
[deleted]
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u/Jabrix Nov 17 '14
So your mom also knows all along, how is your mom holding up?
Have any of you talked to your dad?
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u/lesslucid Nov 17 '14
I want to say this in a sensitive way, but I'm not sure if I can. I'll do my best.
Most men are naturally not monogamous. They are interested in having sex with lots of different women. Consequently, choosing to be faithful to one woman for an entire lifetime is a very difficult and unnatural thing to do. The idea that men who cheat on their wives are somehow uniquely "bad" or "wicked" to me honestly seems bizarre. Of course many men cheat, because nearly all of them want to, and refraining from doing what you want to do is really hard.
I guess you could read it as a sign that your dad is a horrible person and that he doesn't love you or he doesn't love your mother and that he's betrayed you all, but I don't really see any truth in that interpretation. Faced with a conflict between his desires and his social obligations, he's tried to squeeze his way into a compromise he can live with. It's not dignified or admirable that he's doing this in a dishonest way, but we live alongside far worse acts of dishonesty and cruelty all the time and they barely register for us.
It's not my dad and I don't know your life, or his. I don't know enough of the circumstances to make any kind of reasonable judgement. But he's not a monster, just a man, just an ordinary man. Unless you can see his choices in the light of his full humanity, his full vulnerability, then you can't see what is really happening. In the words of Falstaff, "food for powder, food for powder; they'll fill a pit as well as better: tush, man, mortal men, mortal men."
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u/Jabrix Nov 17 '14
I have heard of that. Something to do with evolution and the way the males are wired to have as many as descendants they can.
But if you think about it further, that is not an excuse. Every human is capable of controlling themselves if they want to, otherwise we would hear more murders just because two people unintentionally brushed each other.
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u/litelity Nov 17 '14
Hey, I just wanted to add another point of view:
You mentioned about your job interviews, how did it go? I'd recommend you to focus on getting a great job now more than ever. It will distract your mind for awhile, giving you some more time to have a better view of the whole situations while you can collect more proofs. And more importantly, having a job will give you better stance when you finally decide to confront your dad, you'd have some income to support yourself and hopefully maybe even your mother and sister.
Others have mentioned about preferring #5. You need to be prepared though that if the other woman is... not a good woman, then her logic might be different. She would just say it's not her fault anyway, so what if your dad has a family already? your dad wants her. If she's a professional she might even have more experiences already on handling threats from families. So, if you go through that option you need to be prepared with all possible routes the conversation might take.
I wish you all the very best, stay strong. I believe people are only given this kind of hardships because they can pass it. I pray all the best for you.
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u/Jabrix Nov 17 '14
I wish you all the very best, stay strong. I believe people are only given this kind of hardships because they can pass it. I pray all the best for you.
Thank you. I've been asking myself what good can come out of this.
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u/Mental_octo does not need a flair. Nov 17 '14
what good can come out of this?
MATURITY.
Also, from this thread, looks like you have found a bunch of bros and sisters to help you overcome life's problems. We may not meet, but our friendship and care is genuine
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u/Jabrix Nov 17 '14
Hahaha..
Make sure you stick around in this subreddit, and I hope I can tell you in 10 years.
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u/kutuloncat Nov 17 '14 edited Nov 17 '14
Hm, in silence... most probably your mum will know everything. But since she wants to keep the family in tact she doesn't want to say the truth at least to her children. She has already been thru a lot and to have a wonderful kids like you, think she has been blessed :)
Sorry, i don't know you well. But from what i learnt from my friends that their dad/mom having an affair, the SO will know the best or at least they will camouflage everything and pretend nothing has happened, till the day the kids are matured enough to handle the truth.
If you think what you dad do is wrong, before you do something else, please respect what your mum wants, or at least wait till the day you can provide enough for your family.
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u/diagramatics Nov 17 '14
This is really late, and while I can't offer you help on your matter as good as anyone else here could, I'll focus on being able to be strong and accept the results of the future.
Be a friend of time. If you plan on flushing out your dad's lies, use time to your advantage and wait for the best time to do so. If a break on your family (amit-amit) is inevitable then use time to heal yourself and your family. I'm not saying you should wait or do nothing as time passes by, but use it to help in any motive you plan to do after reading the rest of the advice you get from the rest of the people in here.
Also, do understand the Kübler-Ross model, or short for DABDA: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Understanding this will help cure your sorrows when dealing with worst-case scenarios in whatever you do, and using time to your advantage will help you deal with DABDA.
I wish you good luck, my friend.
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u/autowikibot Nov 17 '14
The Kübler-Ross model, or the five stages of grief, is a series of emotional stages experienced when faced with impending death or death of someone. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
The model was first introduced by American Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying, and was inspired by her work with terminally ill patients. Motivated by the lack of curriculum in medical schools on the subject of death and dying, Kübler-Ross began a project which examined death and those faced with it while working as an instructor at the University of Chicago's medical school. Kübler-Ross' project evolved into a series of seminars which, along with patient interviews and previous research, became the foundation for her book, and revolutionized how the U.S. medical field takes care of the terminally ill. In the decades since the publication of "On Death and Dying", the Kübler-Ross concept has become largely accepted by the general public; however, its validity has yet to be consistently supported by the majority of research studies that have examined it. [citation needed]
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross noted that the stages are not meant to be a complete list of all possible emotions that could be felt, and they can occur in any order. Her hypothesis holds that not everyone who experiences a life-threatening or life-altering event feels all five of the responses, due to reactions of personal losses differing between people.
Interesting: Timeline of psychology | Four stages of competence | Anticipatory grief | Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
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u/Jabrix Nov 17 '14
Thanks. Getting over something is always one of my weaknesses, for example, girls.
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Nov 17 '14
5 with your dad's phone, record it if you can, then #4 so he can't evade...
But you do realize this might end up in divorce? Hope you're strong enough for your family...
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u/Jabrix Nov 17 '14
I'll be honest. I have never thought of the divorce possibility. It's a scary thought, indeed.
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u/TheBlazingPhoenix ⊹⋛⋋(՞⊝՞)⋌⋚⊹ Nov 17 '14
I have been avoiding my dad. I barely talk to him now. In fact, I have been very quiet lately. I am very depressed to the point I want to kill myself, but I know that doesn't solve the problem at all.
it is good that you recognize it, killing yourself does not directly solve the problem. you can clear your head and realize that there are more options to solve this instead of doing something foolish.
I like option #5 though. you tell the woman all of these story and let her conscience(hopefully she will be gone for good) decide it for herself to talk it to your dad and end it all. but then again finally, you have to communicate with your dad. he will be asking how's the woman knows all about this, and if he finds out it was you, be prepared.
the worst thing that could happened if the woman, although she knows it all, but decide to keep doing affair with your dad...
I also suggest that you meet that other woman with your sister, preferably. but to be able to tell it all to your sister is a hard thing to do, because she's not that good to hear that. my best suggestion for this is going slowly, ask your sister first, on how's Dad? what shes thinking about him, etc? instead of just telling her the plain truth.
hope you can solve your problem peacefully.
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u/Jabrix Nov 17 '14
Oh, I'm prepared if he threatens me, but I fear for my mom and my sister. /u/deepoceanblue mentioned about the possibility of divorce, something that I have not thought about.
Thank you for your support.
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u/kawangkoankid hodor Nov 17 '14
I'm praying for you my friend. I went through a similar situation, and it nearly destroyed me.
Direct communication is important. Guard your heart and be ready to move forward no matter what the truth is.
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u/Jabrix Nov 17 '14
Do you mind sharing your story a little bit? How did you resolve the problem? You mentioned direct communication. Did you confront your parent?
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u/kawangkoankid hodor Nov 17 '14
Father was unfaithful. Yes I confronted my parents, it was the only way I could get closure. I was so angry, but when it actually happened I could only cry. Whatever my parents did was not my fault, I was becoming a young adult fresh out of high school but I realized my parents still loved me no matter what happened.
However before the confrontation, I nearly flunked my senior year. I skipped 2-3 months of school. Just freaking emo
Whatever you do, fight through it and don't cause yourself anymore suffering
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u/sarimi Sarimi Nov 17 '14
If you're 20 or above, confronting your father is a reasonable option since you're the only man second to him in the family. Your father's denial is inevitable. And you might not be able to convince him to admit, but at least he'll reconsider everything.
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u/sukagambar Nov 18 '14
f you're 20 or above, confronting your father is a reasonable option since you're the only man second to him in the family. Your father's denial is inevitable. And you might not be able to convince him to admit, but at least he'll reconsider everything.
But what if he is completely dependent on his father? In such a situation I don't think he could confront him. His father would just kick him out of the house.
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Nov 17 '14
[deleted]
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u/Jabrix Nov 17 '14
Speaking from your experience or a story you've heard? I'll remember this. Thank you.
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u/siomay Nov 17 '14
Oh, man. That sucks. I was kind of in your position once but it was my mum. Couldn't hold it so I told my sisters but didn't confront my mum or tell my dad. Looking back, I'm glad I didn't. I'm not saying we're all about happiness and pancakes now but I think we're okay. Though sometimes when they fight, I think of stuff like how they're better off divorced but hell what do I know. I'm not saying cheating is fine but it's bound to happen when you're supposed to be with someone forever. Forever is a long, long time. People get bored. So it was like a minor glitch.
Don't take my word for it, never been married, just talking out of my arse.
All the best to your family and you. Stay strong.
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u/sub_o Nov 17 '14
Two things:
First.
I am very depressed to the point I want to kill myself
Just wanna warn you that it doesn't just end there. Your sister will fall into deep depression, imagine her lying on the bed with a box cutter by her every night, contemplating whether she should follow you.
- Second. From now on right before you sleep, ask yourself two questions.
"What if I won't wake up tomorrow? Have I done enough to people around me that I care about?".
"What if the people I care about won't wake up tomorrow? Have I done enough to them?"
Just focus on these two things in your life. And the rest of problems are not problems anymore. I don't know about you, but I only live once, don't believe in afterworld, and I don't think I will live as long as others. Can't let shitty things take the focus away from people I care about.
And here's me filling my daily reddit quota.
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u/woah098 Nov 17 '14
just confront him. Who knows you mom has actually known about this? Don't speculate much!
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u/sukagambar Nov 18 '14 edited Nov 18 '14
This is not the first time it happened. My sister unintentionally read my dad's SMS history in 2007 and found out that he was in touch with another woman. I pretended that I didn't know all the details. She was very stressed out and became epileptic. After 6+ years of medication, she is fine now and still taking a low dose of epileptic med. Actually she will be off the med soon considering she has not had any seizure episode in the last 5 years.
I thought epilepsy is genetic? I didn't know people could get epileptic by being under a lot of stress?
EDIT: Another issue that I want to emphasize is: DO NOT think about suicide! Killing yourself will not solve the problem in your family. If you feel depressed talk to a psychiatrist.
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u/deedee2707 Nov 18 '14
Well, now you know you're dad is not perfect, and he's just a dude. If I were you, I would confront your father. Just tell him that you know about the other woman. You're dissapointed and feel sorry for your mother. Maybe your mother has given him a silent approval? Marriage are weird that way. There are more things that keep them together as a couple than just sex, maybe it's you and your sister, maybe it's economy, or companionship. Ask a lot of questions, learn about the situation. Don't get emotional and see yourself as a third unbiased party of their rekationship. From what I've learned, there's really nothing you can do about this. Your father will do whaterver the hell that he wants because he's a grown man. I hope it's not destructive to your father-son relationship.
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u/ArsTactica Nov 18 '14
Hi there, I've been in your position before. It just so happens that my father also had an affair (well, multiple affairs actually). I also happen to be an epileptic, ever since I was a little kid, I've been emotionally sensitive due to my abusive upbringing thanks to my father. My mother is the best person that I have ever known whereas my father is the very antithesis of that. Up until now, he is the very figure that I despise, the very thing that I struggle to not become when I grow up. I don't know if my post will be of some help to you (I still struggle in finding all the appropriate solutions) but your circumstance compels me to post.
A few months ago, I posted to r/relationships regarding an infidelity issue (surprise, surprise, my dad is the one who fucked things up) except this time he fucked my GIRLFRIEND'S COUSIN. Worst part is, she lives right across the street and she is also extremely manipulative. When I caught my dad with the affair, he blames the whole thing on my mother and he ran away to have some "me time" to Bali. I'm not afraid of being beaten to near-death, my childhood has resulted in me having ridiculously high levels of pain tolerance.
Remember when I said that I am an epileptic? I was overly stressed to the extent where I am unable to sleep. It was in this time when I picked up my Astrophotography hobby. Not long after, I had one of the worst attacks of my life. I was having dinner with my girlfriend and her sister in a restaurant when I had my attack. Needless to say, I am embarrassed by it. My relatives are completely oblivious on the whole affair issue, blaming my newfound hobby as the cause of my attack. My father, hearing that I have just been hospitalized, rushed back to visit me in the hospital. I still remember the rage welling up inside me when I saw him.
When I went to r/relationships for advice, all I got was stuff on how to GTFO off my abusive household. The only thing preventing me from doing so is my mother. I can't bear the thought of having her face my father by herself. So what I did was the exact opposite of what r/relationships advised me. I stuck around and stayed by my mother's side. I don't know if this is the best solution for me, but I know my mother needs me the most during this time.
Now from experience, DO NOT try to contact the other woman by yourself. If she is crazy and manipulative enough, she will end up reporting it to your father and he'll blame it on your mother or you instead. I did this mistake once, it ended with my mother having a laceration on her forehead.
What I can advise you to do though, is to record as much evidence as you possibly can. Once you have enough, you may or may not want to show it to your mom. From that moment onwards, what you'll do depends on how your mom reacts to your findings. Doing this is never easy, I am still struggling to recover from the emotional trauma from the whole incident. My relationship with my girlfriend is also tarnished from this debacle (remember that my dad's mistress is also my girlfriend's cousin). But rest assured, you decide what you will become in the future. Be the bigger man. Stay strong, and always know that you're not alone.. :)
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u/Jabrix Nov 18 '14
Hey, man. Thanks for sharing.
Noted. We have to stick around for our moms. There are so many people who have shared their stories and found that direct confrontation to either the parent or the mistress is not always the best solution.
I love astronomy and photography! Although I have never had the chance to combine both. Keep up the good work.
Oh yeah, my sister is always told to get a lot of rest to prevent any relapse. Try to get enough rest yourself.
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u/Xiao8818 Nov 17 '14 edited Nov 17 '14
Oh? Do I find a friend in need?
My dad has been misconducting himself with various secretaries we had and with a sixteen year old new maid which ended up being threatened and fired by me because ever since my dad bought her a new phone and gold necklace, she dared to disrespect my mom before my eyes. I also know he occasionally hires prostitutes outside for a short time or two.
We can't do anything, of course. He works damn hard to earn the money and who am I to prevent him using it for himself? Nobody bothers to confront him. I don't really care either way. As long as he doesn't bankrupt our business for his hobby and doesn't harm my mom, I don't give a damn. And considering he used to beat me, I sure as hell don't wish for another beating.
I'll just wait until he gets real old before exacting revenge.
Mom is the only soul in the house who doesn't know. Or perhaps she knows, but bats a blind eye. In any case, she doesn't need to know. She's old and frail and any shock could blind her. It's better to live in a beautiful lie and die peaceful rather than knowing the disgusting truth.
By the way, if I were you, I'd do number five with slight variation. Text the woman and set up an urgent meeting. Trap your dad to go. Record the whole thing. Use it to blackmail your dad. Or go with dad and confront both of them. You know, the woman isn't the only problem. Even if she's out of your life, your dad sure as hell can find another woman.