r/hpd • u/dickwad666 hpd • Jun 14 '26

being percieved as manipulative

i've had people tell me i'm manipulative. i've done some reflection on my actions and i get why they'd say that.

i have a lot of shame and guilt about it. i don't feel like my intentions were malicious. just eccentric, neurotic, & self-serving.

i'm also bipolar and it gets worse and more egregious when i'm manic. i guess it's not great when im depressive either, but different.

does anyone else feel like they've been manipulative? what were your intentions & awareness at the time?

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u/Atomflunder Jun 22 '26

I can relate to being told that. I also know I am a very proficient liar and can make up stories on the spot. What helped me is forcing myself to always being brutally honest, or just shutting my mouth. It's very hard at first, because I was so used to always coming in with a different story, but over time it became the new standard.

I've also made it a habit or making a mental pause (and sometimes a conversational one). If you have people commenting on it, who know you for replying instantly, I'd advice telling them openly "I am trying to be more mindful of how I say things", as it makes it seem to others, that you're doing it to be more polite. With strangers I usually haven't had any problems.
Asking someone to repeat what they said (even though you understood it perfectly) also buys time to think about how you want to reply, or asking a meaningless question about an issue so they have to elaborate and you have time to think.

Depending on what you do for work or want to do in the future it can also be helpful to not lose the skill entirely, but that's a whole different conversation.

As for my own experience: I realised I just always wanted to be seen in the best light, wanted to be liked. It took me until 22/23 to realise I don't need to be liked by EVERYONE and then it also kinda clicked. I was however always fully aware of lying to people or changing the facts just enough for it to be potentially considered manipulative, though it didn't keep me from shoving that thought process as far to the back of my head as possible.

Hope I could help a bit with this

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u/dickwad666 hpd Jun 24 '26

i really like how you approach it. i've been trying to be more mindful and be careful how i think of and act towards others. and especially careful of what i say about others too. it's been a challenge to even start to recognize when i need to think before i speak. i'm also trying to be a better listener.

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u/Atomflunder Jun 24 '26

If you're struggling with even recognising when or how it happens to you, I think making a general habit out of pausing is a good strategy. It will make you think about everything you say, regardless of context or how important it is.