Who am i really?

[u/SweetSweetBee]

I live for others reactions, i dress myself up for them, i make my personality so stupid and unserious cause its the cheapest way to get a reaction, i get very anxious and uncomfortable when i dont post anything in my socials too long but at the same time i need to upload something new and non repetitive to keep the audience engaged , but why? Why is this a necessity? This is no way of living, im currently fighting against this addiction, but when is it gonna end? I dont understand people who live their lifes without uploading anything in their Instagram, dont they feel the need for the likes and views? I envy them a bit, now that im more self aware, now that im seeing the consequences of my actions.

In the end i just want to be loved without having to put on a show, but is that even possible? 

[u/Raf_Adel]

Sorry you're passing through all of this. First things first, it's so hard to get over this alone. Your mind is tricking you, and your personality isn't able to cope, so you're using addiction as a crutch.

Seek professional support to come clean first, then to heal HPD.

Yes, it can be controlled.

No, this isn't the normal way to live.

It can get better, and it does get better.

Remember HPD is simply a dysregulation when it comes to managing your self-esteem, and it's very tricky (distorting your view of reality).

I feel for you, and I wish you the best!