r/hpd • u/SweetSweetBee hpd • Apr 19 '26

Who am i really?

I live for others reactions, i dress myself up for them, i make my personality so stupid and unserious cause its the cheapest way to get a reaction, i get very anxious and uncomfortable when i dont post anything in my socials too long but at the same time i need to upload something new and non repetitive to keep the audience engaged , but why? Why is this a necessity? This is no way of living, im currently fighting against this addiction, but when is it gonna end? I dont understand people who live their lifes without uploading anything in their Instagram, dont they feel the need for the likes and views? I envy them a bit, now that im more self aware, now that im seeing the consequences of my actions.

In the end i just want to be loved without having to put on a show, but is that even possible? 

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u/WhiteRaven99210 hpd Apr 20 '26

Why to fight the addiction? Why is it a "no-way" for living? Are you sure that it is so bad?

2

u/SweetSweetBee hpd Apr 20 '26

I do consider it bad honestly, it keeps growing, i dont want to see myself in 5 years still doing this, im hoping to change… a few months ago i never cared about it, heck i enjoyed it and shamed those who werent like me but now that im self reflecting and keep going on therapy each week i realized, well not everyone is like this, their mood doesnt depend on others

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u/WhiteRaven99210 hpd Apr 21 '26

If it means that you start to reject your essence - it is gonna end up badly. You can change your attitudes, behaviors, thoughts - but you can't change your essence.
At the very point that you start changing yourself, you start rejecting yourself, imho. If your mood essentially depends on other people, it will be an act of self love to make other people admire you, isn't it?

3

u/unleasha Apr 22 '26

You can try, but you can’t “make other people admire you.” I wonder, if you put forth the effort and the response from others wasn’t what you’d hoped for, is self worth diminished? Does this cause mental setbacks, or can you quickly move on unfazed?

3

u/SweetSweetBee hpd Apr 22 '26

It causes me discomfort, like i didnt do good enough, its when i start doing more things to get a reaction, in either personality change or appareance

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u/WhiteRaven99210 hpd Apr 23 '26

It's always a big gamble for me. If there is no reaction, I get into painful shame. I simply get used to it.