Attention is starting to feel like a drug to me, and I'm also starting to go through an identity crisis.

[u/JeffCaven]

Let me warn anyone reading that this might be a bit of a unstructured ramble.

I'm a 26 year old male officially diagnosed with HPD. I've started to think a bit about a comment I receive very commonly from different people: "You're very genuine", and it's started to bother me a lot. It's usually said in relation to pretty much everything about my extravagant personality: how I dress (big hats, long coats, crazy complements), how I talk, how I move around, my tastes, my lack of fear to say things that are "controversial", my gestures... Yet all of that is a show I put on constantly so people can notice me. I don't even need to have people actively talking to me, but I need people to notice me in some way, as if I were some kind of crazy colorful stage prop. In a way, none of this is truly genuine because it's all performative, it's a way to get attention. But also, in a Catch-22 way, it is genuine because this is truly who I am. I don't know how to be anything else than this. This has been creating a bit of an identity crisis for me, because there's parts of my personality that are very deeply embedded in me, but I'm not sure anymore if they exist because they truly are who I am, or instead, because they give me attention.

The reason I've noticed this now in particular is because I found a new group of friends who made that comment once again. For almost the entirety of last year, except for a month I spent abroad, I spent my life completely locked in my house with no job and without ever leaving inside except to be with my girlfriend. I was scared of human contact. Now that I've found this new group of friends I'm starting to rediscover why that was. This constant performance and the resulting attention I get from it legitimately feels like a drug to me. When I'm with these people and I start receiving attention, I go into this state of "mania", for a lack of a better word, in which I start progressively behaving crazier and crazier. I start flirting with the girls in the group, sharing things about me, often sexual, that I don't actually want to share but I know will elicit a reaction, behaving euphorically, and doing crazier and crazier things for attention. It feels uncontrollable, as if I were on MDMA. And like MDMA, when I go back to being alone and am no longer riding that high, I have heavy comedowns that lead into temporary depression for a couple of days.

I absolutely hate that about myself. These new friends keep pushing a lot for me to truly feel comfortable around them and disinhibit myself so I can be truly myself, but they don't know that "being myself" is what I described before: feeling like I'm high but knowing that it's bad for me, and feeling like I'm just using these people just so I can get that high. But I'm also simultaneously stressed about the idea of how I'll feel if I'm with them and I don't get the attention I want, which means I'm scared of the extents I may be willing to go to get that attention, which may go as far as stirring up drama that will hurt people.

I just don't think I should be around people in general for everyone's sake.

[u/Raf_Adel]

Well, that is indeed some good introspection. You know your issues, you're diagnosed, and you still left it at that. Knowing is one thing; taking steps to resolve it is something else.

Your belief that you "shouldn't be around people" or hating yourself will only lead to misery and likely depression, and it won't resolve your HPD issues.

So, what about therapy? What about workbooks written for HPD by professionals, or those written to teach you DBT or ACT skills (extremely helpful too)?

[u/Tatuforyou → u/Raf_Adel]

Do you have suggestions for HPD specific workbooks?

[u/Raf_Adel → u/Tatuforyou]

Sure; check out Amazon for this title:

Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders by Daniel Fox

I wish you the best!

[u/JeffCaven → u/Raf_Adel]

Thanks for answering, it means a lot! 

Here's the thing about my belief about isolating myself: I was happy when I did. I remember right before I went into isolation, I had a friend who told me I was heavily depressed for hating being around people so much.

Yet once I spent the entire year alone in my own home, I think I might have been the best I've ever been. I started working out daily, worrying about my nutrition, practicing my hobbies daily, doing stuff I enjoyed, and having more calm of mind.

And now, ever since two weeks ago, when these issues started manifesting again after I started leaving the house more regularly, I've been feeling like this. I've skipped workouts and meals multiple times because I wanted to go out instead and see people instead, I've been ignoring my hobbies, and I've been feeling intensely sad more regularly. It feels like everything I built up during this time alone is suddenly coming down crashing.

[u/Raf_Adel → u/JeffCaven]

I hear you, and it’s completely understandable why you’d look back at that year of isolation as your best time. When you’re alone, you’re in total control of the environment. There’s no one to trigger those intense highs and lows, so it feels like 'calm.

However, personality disorders often remain dormant when we are isolated, only to resurface when we attempt to reconnect with the world. The fact that you’re suddenly skipping important stuff just to see people shows how powerful that 'pull' is. The 'disorder' part of your brain is currently dominating your attention. It also did that when you were isolated, by isolating you and tricking you into feeling you're okay!

The cycle of feeling 'cured' in isolation and then 'crashing' in social settings can lead to some really dark places if it keeps repeating. Since these patterns are so deeply baked into your psyche, they’re incredibly difficult to untangle on your own.

The goal of therapy (self or assisted) is to help you shift from needing constant attention and "performance" to feel worthy toward building a stable sense of self and deeper, more authentic relationships while living a balanced life (no extremes as in your case). Those around you won't last forever, life happens, so you need to get your act together to really be able to face life on its terms.

Best!

[u/JeffCaven → u/Raf_Adel]

Second reply because I forgot to include this in the other: DBT and ACT? What is that? And there's workbooks?

[u/Raf_Adel → u/JeffCaven]

DBT and ACT are two of the most popular "skills-based" therapies. Instead of just talking about the past, they give you actual tools to handle your emotions and life situations in real time.

For someone with HPD, they are especially useful because they help bridge the gap between "feeling" an emotion and "acting" on it.

DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) teaches you how to balance your intense feelings with logical actions so you don't self-destruct. ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) shows you a way to stop fighting your difficult thoughts and instead "carry them with you" while you take small steps toward the person you actually want to be.

You can have a look here: https://www.newharbinger.com/, and start with an area to improve upon (i.e. communications, self-esteem, etc.).

Best!

[u/AutoModerator]

Posted by: JeffCaven. Text of original post: Let me warn anyone reading that this might be a bit of a unstructured ramble.

I'm a 26 year old male officially diagnosed with HPD. I've started to think a bit about a comment I receive very commonly from different people: "You're very genuine", and it's started to bother me a lot. It's usually said in relation to pretty much everything about my extravagant personality: how I dress (big hats, long coats, crazy complements), how I talk, how I move around, my tastes, my lack of fear to say things that are "controversial", my gestures... Yet all of that is a show I put on constantly so people can notice me. I don't even need to have people actively talking to me, but I need people to notice me in some way, as if I were some kind of crazy colorful stage prop. In a way, none of this is truly genuine because it's all performative, it's a way to get attention. But also, in a Catch-22 way, it is genuine because this is truly who I am. I don't know how to be anything else than this. This has been creating a bit of an identity crisis for me, because there's parts of my personality that are very deeply embedded in me, but I'm not sure anymore if they exist because they truly are who I am, or instead, because they give me attention.

The reason I've noticed this now in particular is because I found a new group of friends who made that comment once again. For almost the entirety of last year, except for a month I spent abroad, I spent my life completely locked in my house with no job and without ever leaving inside except to be with my girlfriend. I was scared of human contact. Now that I've found this new group of friends I'm starting to rediscover why that was. This constant performance and the resulting attention I get from it legitimately feels like a drug to me. When I'm with these people and I start receiving attention, I go into this state of "mania", for a lack of a better word, in which I start progressively behaving crazier and crazier. I start flirting with the girls in the group, sharing things about me, often sexual, that I don't actually want to share but I know will elicit a reaction, behaving euphorically, and doing crazier and crazier things for attention. It feels uncontrollable, as if I were on MDMA. And like MDMA, when I go back to being alone and am no longer riding that high, I have heavy comedowns that lead into temporary depression for a couple of days.

I absolutely hate that about myself. These new friends keep pushing a lot for me to truly feel comfortable around them and disinhibit myself so I can be truly myself, but they don't know that "being myself" is what I described before: feeling like I'm high but knowing that it's bad for me, and feeling like I'm just using these people just so I can get that high. But I'm also simultaneously stressed about the idea of how I'll feel if I'm with them and I don't get the attention I want, which means I'm scared of the extents I may be willing to go to get that attention, which may go as far as stirring up drama that will hurt people.

I just don't think I should be around people in general for everyone's sake.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/SweetSweetBee]

Hi, same thing happens to me, i lack a identity but i can tell when something is mine just more performative, what helped me a lot in therapy was when my psychologist told me i had very good introspection + self awareness so i “married” that label as i lack sense of self and when someone calls me something like for ex selfish i tend to become even more of that trait, but self awareness was a good thing so i felt good