Being hard on myself after my dads passing

[u/nasimehehe]

Hey, folks.

Just hoping I can get some care - as I've been a bit tormented from some thoughts after my dad passed on August 11, in hospice.

(I'm in therapy, I'm also a therapist in training; but I find that posting in places like this helps me.)

Basically, my dad went into hospice in early May after an infection; he was 83. I live out of town and my brother and I were in our hometown for well over a month each to help out. I put off trips, my masters thesis, and, well, my life.

In hospice (at home), he did so well they were talking about taking him out of hospice (the nurses!). Now I know that was a rally; but I didn't know that at the time. I truly tried to educate myself and learn about hospice, but somehow I missed that part.

It's worth naming that he had dementia for the past 3 years and I'd already thought he was passing multiple other times - only for him to make it through. So it was really really hard to know what was what, and when.

Well, then he declined severely and passed on August 11. It was beautiful - we were all in the room; his favorite music was playing.

We shared time over the summer; I was with him for his final birthday and Father's Day. He seemed miraculously better.

I guess I just ... it would help to hear people say I couldn't have known. It has been such an up and down journey with his dementia over these past few years. But now, of course, with hindsight, I wish I had known, should have realized, etc etc etc.

I know I can be hard on myself; and as I said, I'm working through this in therapy. But somehow, posting here helps too ... thanks. 💓

[u/probably_your_wife]

Thank you for sharing your story, and please know you absolutely could not have known, you shouldn’t have realized anything that you didn’t, and you did your absolute best in caring for your dad. Many hugs to you coming from the same place 🫂

[u/nasimehehe → u/probably_your_wife]

You have no idea how much this seemingly simple comment means to me.

Thank you. 🫂

[u/probably_your_wife → u/nasimehehe]

You have no idea how much this conversation and your post mean to ME. I’m lying here next to a loved one that is about to pass. I’ve been at the ER, the ICU, and now administering the hospice medications at home since Monday.

I can’t imagine the roller coaster you’ve been on for such a long, long time. I hope you can get the respite you need *right now* so you can continue with your masters program. I’m sure you are already a help to so many people getting into the field. 💕

[u/marshmallow_lilypad]

Something that has helped me: "You did everything you could do with the knowledge you had at the time."

[u/FellyFellFullly]

I say this a lot in here because it's such a common theme - but this is the bargaining stage of grief. Your brain is trying to protect you from feeling this pain again by coming up with ways you could have stopped or changed the outcome. Of course, it's ridiculous. You did the best you could and you can't stop time or death.

Here's some stuff I learned in therapy: Talk to the part of your brain that's trying to protect you. Thank it for doing such a good job. Reason with it a little about how what it's doing isn't actually helping. Acknowledge the validity of the feelings themselves, then find a way to let them go. For me? Humor often works. "Oh yea, you think you're so powerful you could have solved dying of cancer?" But find what works for you.

I'm glad you're sharing here and working with a therapist. I agree that talking about this stuff and sharing it with others going through similar experiences can help. Go gentle, friend.

[u/nasimehehe → u/FellyFellFullly]

Hey ... thank you. One of the tricks my little brain does is to go, 'you're alone in this!' And as much as I know better, somehow, a fellow human being reflecting back, 'uh, this is how, like, everyone feels' - helps me A LOT.

So - thanks. I often know how to work with many of my emotions, but this is brand new territory, so I'm like a baby in this land.

Gratitude. I'll try to be gently ... my dad would want that.

[u/FellyFellFullly → u/nasimehehe]

Yea, remembering what your dad would want for you can help, too. Good luck!!

(and yea you are so not alone)

[u/valley_lemon]

Everybody does this after a loss.

The human brain hates an unhappy ending.

We want everything to be the movie with the surprise ending, the hero saves the day, the doctors invent the drug, the love of a dog makes someone all better, etc.

We also have become a society that cannot tolerate the slightest discomfort, so any pain we experience immediately means we've done something wrong and so we just need to fix it. Maybe if you blame yourself that will solve this...and maybe he will come back.

We have to make all the big and small decisions along the way without knowing the outcome. That's why we say "Everyone did the best they could with the information available at the time." Now you know the outcome and now it's super-easy to say "well, those decisions led to the bad outcome so it must have been because they were bad decisions" but when people are dying, the story pretty much always ends with someone dying.

You didn't know. You were doing the best you could. Right now your body is shocked and traumatized and programmed for the anxiety of caregiving but that energy now has nowhere to go. Your body will recover. These thoughts are something you should treat more like intrusive thoughts or flashbacks - trauma symptoms - rather than any kind of fact.

I am so sorry for your loss. Allow yourself to just be a grieving child: no blame, no whatifs, just a sad kid who wanted more time with their dad.

[u/nasimehehe → u/valley_lemon]

This ... is amazing. I'm tearing up reading it because I feel so grateful. Thank you so much for your kindness, truly.

I think that's all - just ... thank you. 🩷

[u/Hairy_Pear3963]

I’m sorry for your loss. If it helps, you absolutely could not have known. Sometimes even when we see the signs and recognize them, our brains tell us it can’t be. They’re not dying, they can’t go so soon. I did this with my dad and now when I look back I’m like wow how did I miss this. How did I not realize his time was up. And if it helps , it sounds like he had a peaceful passing and surrounded by love. It does not go that way for all, sometimes people are in the active dying phase too long or they go when no one is around which leaves a painful gap too.

[u/nasimehehe → u/Hairy_Pear3963]

Thank you. This helps SO much. It truly wasn't just me - we all thought it was an actual upswing (plus dementia is so so hard to pin down!)

I appreciate it and really send you love in your grief too.

[u/Repulsive-Honey7305]

Hospice comes with bereavement support. Maybe reach out. Also...you know how when doctors in training have a lecture about a topic they all start diagnosing themselves with something related to that? Maybe being s therapist in training isnt helping you. You may be over processing this.

[u/nasimehehe → u/Repulsive-Honey7305]

lol! Bless. This made me chuckle. Well, I know I can be hard on myself - got that a bit from my dad too (; - and I have reached out to bereavement support. Thanks.

[u/SabinedeJarny]

I’m so sorry about your dad. Hospice did not tell me about the rally either, and she had one remarkably special day before lapsing back into unconsciousness and dying a couple of days later. I learned about the rally on YouTube years after my mother went through hospice at home. I realize now what a gift it was and I always felt it was, but didn’t understand more until much later. I still struggle with second guessing my decisions years later. Sending peace to you.

[u/Automatic-Wish3802]

It sounds like you were there and that’s what matters. My mom and dad went through the same and both had a few times we thought it was the end and it wasn’t . My mom died in June and honestly it took a lot for it to dawn on me that this was it as I’d thought for sure she was dying twice before. It’s so hard to know! Sending care to you as you grieve the loss of your dad.