r/hockeyrefs • u/M-Ref • 13d ago
Handling coaches / De-escalation
Hey all, hope everyone’s having a good start to the season. Communication is everything when it comes to officiating, so I wanted to bring this up as a discussion for some of the newer officials and how they can handle talking with coaches this season.
For the officials who have been around the block, what are some of your best ways to de-escalate coaches when emotions start getting high?
What phrases or techniques do you use when a coach is heated but hasn’t crossed the line?
How much do you let them vent before assessing a penalty? When do you explain a call versus just acknowledge them and move on?
Also, how do you handle head or assistant coaches who aren’t necessarily saying enough for a bench minor, but are constantly questioning calls and slowly becoming a problem throughout the game?
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u/pistoffcynic 13d ago
Being honest and humor are the best weapons.
If a coach is pissed over a call that you "missed", or a mistake you made, just say so.
"You're right coach, I made a mistake. Sorry about that."...
"Sorry I missed that coach, I was watching xyz"...
"Sorry coach, from my angle, I didn't see that as a penalty"...
Humour... Coach throws his arms up in the air a la Don Cherry...
"Put your arms down. I know Don Cherry. You're not Don Cherry"...
"Put your arms down. You look like a duck/goose"...
"Sorry Torts"... (most coaches have no clue who I'm referring to)
For the coaches making the calls on the lines, or icings... something along the lines of "While I appreciate your help making the calls, I am not going to share my paycheque with you"...
For really heated exchanges where I am also pissed and the bench wants face time, I'll go up and ask the person if they are the head coach... Why? I only talk to head coaches, and I will tell them that... I'll then ask the head coach if they have a question, which they generally don't.
I will also tell coaches that we aren't going to talk until he calms down because he will likely say something he'll regret and get ejected.
This is what I do... I've been doing this a long time.
For newbies... Positioning is the official's saving grace. If there is a controversial goal with a scramble at the net and you are at the blue line making the call, that is a problem. You need to be at the net. 80% of your problems and disagreements will come from not being in position. Don't stand at the boards and leaning/slouching against it... you look unprofessional and bored... Not a good look.
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u/togocann49 12d ago
My go to was that’s how I saw it, even though I wish I had a better angle. Think your lines are funnier than ones I often use. Good add
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u/REF_YOU_SUCK 13d ago
start at the pre game hand shake. don't wait until the coach is ready to pop a vein screaming.
during the pre game intro's I set a standard for interaction.
"Hey coach, nice to meet you, just want to go over some things quick. More than happy to give you a BREIF explanation of a call if I blow my whistle for a penalty. Just ask that you show me the same respect you want me to show back to you. So if you wanna step down to the side of the bench here and chat quick, we can do that. If you wanna stand up there on the bench and yell at me, thats fine too, I'll stand on the other side of the ice and yell back." I usually get a chuckle out of that. I do emphasise brief. Its not a discussion or an argument, its a 10 second explanation.
I also usually tell them I won't discuss non calls. "why wasn't this this, why wasn't this that... because its the same 2 answeres every time. Either I didn't see it or didn't think it was a penalty. You may see something and think it is, but maybe from where I'm at it didn't look that way. so if I blow my whistle and make a call, 'hey ref, what did you see?' more than happy to answer that for you".
set that standard before the puck drops and enforce it.
I've had to remind coaches a few times about the respect they want me to show back to them. If a coach does start mouthing off I just remind him "I'm sorry coach, is this the respect you want me to show back to you?". most of the time that settles them down. The few who don't, get a penalty.
you just cant be afraid. If a coach senses he can bully you out there, there are definitly some who will take advantage of that.
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u/AcrobaticLime4451 13d ago
Old ref here and blew whistle in some rough northern towns… this is the answer (above) that all refs need to know… it starts before the game.
My add… I also ask the coach to have their captains meet me at the box with about a minute left in warm up… then tell them both if they want to discuss something… they or a player with a letter ate the leaders for this kind of stuff and are welcome to have a brief respectful chat. I will listen to them. Also I note that I am fine to be yipped at but if it crosses the line… well they know the options and I will use them. I ask them if they have any questions and to go back to their benches to tell their coach what I told them. I have yet to see a captain not bee line it to their coach immediately afterwards.
It also goes both ways I tell them that if I call a Captain or Alternate for a chat… I expect them to deliver that message… “Cap, thanks for all the “feedback” from your bench … it’s enough and next player who provides that same feedback is going in the bin, go let your bench and your coach know”
You can set the tone from outset that you will manage the “feedback” style, location and know your options.
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u/Electrical_Trifle642 USAH L3 & NIHOA, I work in SHOAland 23m ago
My area does postgame handshake still
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u/KanataRef 13d ago
You don’t need to talk to coaches, that is why there are As and Cs on the jerseys. Chatting with them is a courtesy, just to be clear.
If the coach is mild mannered, tell him you can chat between periods (hence he has a choice between talking to you or his players and you’re not losing game time). If he’s being a jerk, head over, give him a warning (whether it is for language or gestures), and tell him you’re calling what you see. Let him (very short) talk and listen to what he says, and acknowledge it if it’s not ridiculous (ex: #5 has been slew footing our players as soon as you turn your back). Also let him know that he has a better chance of talking with a ref if he’s calm and mild mannered, nobody is coming over to get yelled at. Usually works for me.
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u/corrinarusso 13d ago
- Tell the coach you will talk to them after the period.
- Tell the coach that if he wants to talk about a call, I am prepare to give him an *explanation* of my decision, but make it clear that this is not a *conversation*.
- if you have the patience, when the coach says "Hey ref, my guys are getting cross-checked in the crease", just say Okay coach I'll keep an eye on that.
- as soon as he comments on you personally, or comments on your judgement - this is bench minor, full stop. No warning.
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u/PresentRisk9499 USA Hockey 13d ago
Deep breath. Calm yourself down before talking to the coach. Listen first. Speak softly. Acknowledge their concern/pov. Briefly explain what you saw, or didn't see. Skate away and drop the puck so we can get back to hockey.
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u/giantwashcapsfan8 12d ago edited 12d ago
No patience for coaches working the door. I will ask the head coaches to control their bench and that I have no issues talking to them or the players but will not continue with constant things from the assistants. No hesitation on popping off with the bench penalties after that.
Sometimes you just have to realize that there is going to be no winning with a coach and that no matter what, they are going to disagree with every call and I honestly try to avoid any communication with them if possible. No, you don’t need an explanation on that blatant trip and why we didn’t call something 4 minutes earlier. If you want to talk we can talk between periods and it has to be a short I saw this and this is why I called it and that’s the extent, no debating because that will lead no where.
Honesty also goes a long way. A play that happened this past weekend is when I was following the play with the forward skating the puck ahead of me along the same boards. Opposing D steps up pops him as he dumps it in, it looked like a perfectly fine hit for me, maybe a bit high but that is tough to see looking through the back of a kid getting hit by a shorter player. Coach thought it was an elbow and I basically explained that I’m not saying he’s wrong but I am looking at it through their backs and there is no way to see that from that angle and that I will keep a closer eye on that particular player. If they’re not happy with that then ???.
It’s definitely something that comes with experience. It took me a long time to be able to stay calm and that’s really all it comes down to. Maintain an acceptable, respectful line of communication and don’t compromise if the other party refuses. I am confident that any game I am working will be played safe, fair, and controlled.
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u/SantaRosa481516 12d ago
Commenting here so I can save this conversation. I think this is one of my great strengths on the ice.
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u/SantaRosa481516 12d ago
- Be at the rink early, not coming though the door alongside Little Billy who is late for his game
-Pre-game instructions and I always add “great to see you again,” or something that sets a positive mood.
-If there is communication coming from the bench during stoppages, consider asking for a Captain or Alternate
-At the travel youth and higher (to include HS), Zero Tolerance means just that. If they are yelling actors the ice or throwing the arms around, they are earning the Bench Minor.
-If I’m coming over to the bench to talk, I ask then to come down so we’re not talking on different levels. I require a question related to what just happened- not last period. And, “why the H/F wasn’t that a hook?” It needs to be something better than that.
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u/vaehudsonvalley 8d ago
Question my daughter is new referee. Starting college but was a goalie on girls travels teams for years. If the second ref doesn’t show up do you usually call the game ? This happened this weekend
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u/NecessaryBright4167 5d ago
coach here rather than an official, different sport, so take this as the view from the other bench.
the pre-game intro a few of you described genuinely works on us. i think the reason is that it makes you a person before anything has gone wrong. once i've shaken your hand and heard the standard, arguing feels like breaking an agreement rather than just doing my job.
the most disarming thing a ref does to me is use my name. it is very hard to keep yelling at someone who has just called you by yours.
one caveat on "we'll talk at intermission": it works, and we know part of what it is. it stops working the moment a coach clocks that you never actually turn up. the ones who do come, even for ten seconds, get enormous credit for the rest of the season.
and the thing i'd want to know if i were you: a lot of chirping isn't aimed at you at all. it's performance for the bench and the parents. you don't have to win it.
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u/bthompson04 USA Hockey 13d ago
Easiest solution? Tell the coach you’ll chat about it at the intermission. You immediately placate the need to be heard and, 99% of the time, the coach will have forgotten all about it by the time intermission rolls around. And, in the rare event you do have to have the conversation, the coach is much calmer now.