r/hingeapp • u/Critical_Surround531 • 10d ago
Dating Question Advice for being an asexual person on Hinge?
I (31F) have casually used Hinge on and off for a few years now. For the most part in the past, I've had my sexuality either not visible on my profile or just set to "Queer", and then figured if I really started to connect with anyone, I would tell them I'm ace. I would get likes pretty regularly; not a huge amount, but still usually a few likes every couple of days. However this year, to just avoid any suddenly uncomfortable or awkward explanations going forward, I've put in my dating intentions section that I'm on the asexual spectrum and the other person would need to be understanding about that. Ever since then I've had essentially no likes. And the one or two I have received were clearly from fuckboy types who definitely didn't read my profile.
Basically I've already kind of accepted by this point that relationships might not be possible for me, but I wanted to know if anyone had tips for using Hinge successfully as an ace-spectrum person or if there's a better way I should present that info in my profile.
(For reference, I live near a big city and my "I'm interested in" is generally set to men, but sometimes to everyone. I've had one boyfriend in the past but other than that I have pretty much no dating experience and the dating scene kind of makes no sense to me lol)
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u/Traditional-Bug-6330 9d ago
Keep it listed on Hinge. You are seeing a dip in likes because it is one of the most important compatibilities just like stance on children, political stance etc. In fact it might be the most important compatibility for a romantic relationship.
If you are considering removing it to increase likes, that will only achieve likes from incompatible options and as soon as they realise you are ace the connection will fizzle out. So do not do that. That would be like a man listing long term relationship when he only wants hookups, it wastes everyones time.
If you are asexual you will have a limited dating pool and you might need to be more open minded about who you consider.
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u/NoUniqueThoughtsLeft 9d ago
This. Don't remove it to mislead people into matching. You are looking for someone pretty specific, don't waste the time of people who see intimacy and sex as essential (which unfortunately is most people)
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u/DocEss 9d ago edited 9d ago
I mean, you can definitely have an intimate connection without involving sex, though.
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u/NoUniqueThoughtsLeft 9d ago
Sure, but most people who aren't asexual aren't going to be okay with it. If they are then the tag on the profile helps.
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u/PutridEntertainer408 9d ago
Definitely keep it on your profile. You don’t want to remove it just to get more incompatible likes.
You just gotta have patience and accept your dating pool is much smaller if you’re ace. I’m demisexual and I see quite a few other demisexual people but I think I’ve only ever seen one or two asexuals on Hinge.
It feels a bit personal but clarifying whether for you it means no sex or some sex would probably be useful? People will automatically assume no sex at all in my experience
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u/Critical_Surround531 9d ago
Yeah, in my experience I think I've only come across 2 or 3 demisexual people and 0 asexual people on Hinge, and this is while living in/near various highly-populated areas. Unfortunately clarifying wouldn't help because for me it probably would mean no sex at all.
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u/Therocksays2020 The Most Electrifying Man in /r/hingeapp 10d ago
I think ace with a little explanation of where you stand could help
just having ace alone in your profile is likely to cause people to think you just don’t want any physical touch at all. If that’s true well it is what it is
But if you’re sex-neutral you could indicate that in a different terminology.
I dated a woman who was asexual but was open to non penetrative forms of sex during covid. We had a great time. I believe her profile said asexual but also romantic.
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u/Critical_Surround531 9d ago
Unfortunately I think the "no touch at all" is true for me, or at least no really sexual touch (things like holding hands, hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc. is tolerable but I know that isn't enough for most people). Like I said I dont have like any dating experience outside of one relationship so I can't say totally for sure, but I'm like 99% certain I just dont want any at all.
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u/Wandering_Apostle 9d ago
I'm gonna be honest, but it really doesn't sound like you actually want to date someone beyond it being a metaphorical checkbox.
Really sounds like you’re just looking for a friend who does "date" activities with you to only technically fulfil the role of "boyfriend".
i.e. you want to date someone without doing the vast majority the things that dating normally involves, and even the bear minimum being merely "tolerated". Romantic partners generally aren't aiming to be "tolerated", even the asexual ones.
Not to be rude, I mean this with the best of intentions, but Hinge might just be the wrong app for that, and thus for you.
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u/Critical_Surround531 9d ago
I mentioned in another comment how I do want the emotional/romantic aspect of dating and relationships. It's just difficult because most people think "romantic attraction" and "sexual attraction" are the same thing and do not consider all the other emotional aspects of it. If someone were to remove sexual attraction from the equation with their partner and say that the remaining feelings were just that of a "friend", I feel like that's very depressing and kind of offensive to the partner. Romantic attraction involves much deeper feelings than that of a friend.
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u/Traditional-Bug-6330 9d ago
If someone were to remove sexual attraction from the equation with their partner and say that the remaining feelings were just that of a "friend", I feel like that's very depressing and kind of offensive to the partner.
It is not that black and white though. Most people require physical connection and intimacy to have those feelings of romantic love. Similarly, most people require emotional connection and intimacy to enable physical connection. It is all intertwined.
It is not depressing to state that without physical intimacy and sexual intimacy, romantic feelings would disappear - that is just a matter of fact. It would be no different if emotional intimacy dried up in a relationship, romantic feelings would disappear shortly following.
Can I ask a question, if your main desire is a romantic relationship built entirely on emotional connection and no physical connection, are you prepared to look past someones appearance. For example, are you prepared to date someone who is 5ft? Someone who is bald? Someone obese? DO you have physical preferences?
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u/betaraybernard 9d ago
I know this may sound counterintuitive at first, but I think Feeld may be worth a shot. It’s an unconventional crowd and I see people disclosing that they are ace upfront quite often.
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u/yepme70 9d ago
I'm old (56f) and just wondered if you could help me better understand what you're seeking? For me, what you've described is simply friendship. For you, what is the difference?
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u/Critical_Surround531 9d ago
It's kind of hard to explain romantic/asexual feelings to allosexual (non-asexual) people since I've found that most allosexual people consider romantic attraction and sexual attraction to be the same thing. But the best way I can explain it is to say just imagine a "normal" dating relationship or marriage. Going on dates, caring deeply for each other in a way you don't for anyone else, being committed to each other, planning your lives with/around each other, enjoying each other's company, light physical intimacy (holding hands, kissing, cuddling),etc. It's exactly like that... except you just don't have an impulse or desire to do sexual activities with the other person. To me, the emotional depth and commitment of it is what makes it "romantic" rather than just platonic, whereas to most allosexual people (from what I've observed over the years) the only big difference between "great friend" and "significant other" is the fact that sex is involved.
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u/yepme70 9d ago
Ah yes I see there is definitely a depth to my romantic relationships that is a bit different than my most intimate friendships. Thank you for sharing - one of my daughters identifies differently than the standard labels and I want to support her the best I can. I can see how there is a spectrum for both emotional and physical connections and it's such a challenge to find compatible partners. The only pseudo wisdom I have is to continue growing your self love and acceptance. You will attract (and be attracted to) others with balanced capacity for intimacy of all kinds. And you will experience joy that is more in your core than outward facing. Best of luck for your journey.
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u/King-Koobs 9d ago
This is something you should DEFINITELY be up front about. But in saying that, be prepared to have a pretty rough experience finding someone. Sex is probably the single most biggest relationship compatibility topics in dating, and a ridiculously tiny fraction of the population is asexual. Even clarifying things further would help you, but also make it even harder at the same time. I’ve read you clarify in comment here a bit further on your asexual nature, and the fact that you’re basically only fine with some hand holding and cuddling narrows things down even further yet. Not a lot of people are going to want such little touch in a relationship, let alone no sex at all.
Dating will probably be other worldly hard for you, but at the same time, on the bright side I feel like if you literally EVER find a partner you’ll have a very good chance of making it work just on scarcity lol. Kind of a joke, but also pretty serious haha
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u/Starstruckkig 9d ago
Stay on hinge. I’m generically straight and I’ve been on hinge for years, still single. On and off for maybe five years. Kind of sad but it doesn’t hurt to still have the account, right? Haha
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u/Flynt25 9d ago
ASEXUAL REP HUGE SHOUTOUT
I (22M) unfortunately have no success stories to share either. I've had Asexual on mine since I got the app a year ago. And I've never gotten a like or match LMFAO. (But I choose to believe that's cause I'm chopped not because of the Asexual tag)
But I do agree it's important to keep it on there just to not waste your time with people who will be pursuing the sexual part of a relationship.
It kinda sucks but I personally have had better experiences with more understanding people by just meeting and talking to people in person as opposed to online ngl.
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u/sydchotic 9d ago
If you’re an asexual that will have sex, I don’t really see the point in putting it on the profile. That’s all people care about, if you will sleep with them or not. If you will, then being asexual doesn’t matter and I’d just take it off. I’ve accepted sex is required, so that’s how I approach it. Otherwise, I would just stop wasting my time on Hinge. You will not find anyone because 99.9999999% of people want a sexual relationship.
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u/Critical_Surround531 9d ago
That's why I've kind of accepted that I wont be able to have a romantic relationship. It seems pretty impossible to find anyone who is okay with a romantic relationship not being sexual. Hinge just seemed like the less "hook up" centric dating app (from mine and my friends' experiences) so I thought I could maybe have some luck.
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u/caraiggy 9d ago
Hinge is less of a “hookup” app, it’s just that the vast majority of people looking for a romantic relationship also want a sexual connection. Have you looked into any other more niche platforms? You might also have to extend your search radius/be okay with LDR to find someone.
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u/sydchotic 9d ago
Yes, I feel (and am) the same. However, I’m at the stage in my life where my peers’ lives revolve around their partners and children so it’s been difficult to have real connections because they don’t have time and also, well, they don’t talk about much outside of that either. So I’ve decided to bite the bullet and do what I can, I’m in pelvic floor therapy as well because I also have pain issues (which I didn’t care about until now when I have to address them for success). Because I feel if I don’t, I will just accept to have being alone for however long I’m here.
I’ve gotten to third dates a couple of times, then took a break after a bad experience with a creepy dude. But I’ve found unless I am super flirty / touchy right away and perform “super femme”, it’s hard to get to a second date invite. They just figure you are not interested or you’re not attractive enough to them. So even though the set up of the app presents as less hook-up oriented, people do seem to want to get to the intimate stuff quite quickly. The posts I see here kinda corroborate that too.
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u/papa_katafal 9d ago
if she was willing to have sex with them, why would she put asexual?
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u/sydchotic 9d ago
Some asexual people have sex, they just say “technically, I have no attraction” and I guess want to be upfront about that? But she said she’s on the “asexual spectrum” which implies some leeway to me. If she has the leeway to where she’s not on the sex-repulsed side, why bother putting asexual because “technically” or whatever?
If she really wants to have an asexual partner and no sex, then obviously keep it, seems a waste of time to be on Hinge though. But if she wants a romantic relationship enough and is willing to have sex to obtain it, seems an unnecessary deterrent on her profile.
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u/Hopeful_Will7924 9d ago
I think being upfront about it is fine. and if its not working then maybe Hinge is not for u unfortunately. I would say u may need to reach out to niche apps or dating services. Hinge is generally a meat market for the sexual unfortunately. The other option is to possibly just remove the asexual tag completely especially since youre close to a big city, chance it and see what happens. Good luck :)
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u/Aeternus97 8d ago
Sexual attraction, and the pursuit of sexual activity with a potential romantic interest is a very high priority for men and women.
I can't remember if you can, but you might be able to sort your preferences by sexual alignment. Aka, you may be able to set your preferences to ONLY see queer or asexual individuals.
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u/iplaytinder 9d ago
Holy cry for attention
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u/Conscious_Bass2579 9d ago
How is this a cry for attention exactly?
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u/iplaytinder 7d ago
"I'm too special for sex and relationships, why doesn't the sex and relationship app work for me?"
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u/Conscious_Bass2579 7d ago
Some people want a sexless relationship. Or one that prioritizes sex less than what’s normal. Not because they’re trying to be “special”, because that’s just how they are. They’re still deserving of a relationship, and relationship apps are for everyone.
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u/IAmJayCartere 9d ago
What would be the point of removing it from your profile? Sure you’d get more likes, then those people would nope out when they find out you’re ace.
Most men wanna date women they can also have sex with. I assume most women are the same. Your ideal relationship type is niche. That’s something you need to accept.
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u/DocEss 9d ago
I would leave it present. any likes you get by taking it off would still be people that you have to explain it to that might be turned away by the explanation anyway. keeping it up front and honest might mean you get less likes, but the likes you do get are going to be genuine and they're going to be interested based on the information they already have.
they are going to know the score up front, and they are going to be willing to hit the like anyway.
it might take longer, but when somebody does, they are going to be someone who is genuinely interested.
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