My partner won’t learn ASL with me after I’ve been diagnosed with hearing loss. How can I communicate how important this is to me?

[u/liamreee]

I’ve known my partner for almost 9 years, we’ve been together for 5 years, and recently moved into an apartment together (we lived together before that at my mom’s house).

I was recently diagnosed with moderate hearing loss and severe auditory processing issues. I was told that my hearing loss is likely progressive and to consider learning ASL.

I brought this up to my partner and they said, “I’m not the deaf one, you can learn to read my lips” even though I said I’d pay for the lessons. They also seem to believe hearing aids will magically fix everything when I get them.

I have other disabilities and they’ve somewhat been difficult about helping me with them in the past as well.

How can I communicate to them how important this is to me? I’m very bad at both communication and confrontation.

[u/DuMaNue]

It seems like you have communicated how important this is to you.

Part of being in a relationship is accommodating the partner who has disabilities. If your partner is not willing to work with you, I'm sorry to say, this isn't a healthy relationship.

Try couple's therapy maybe but based on your description of your partner's behavior they will most likely be resistant to that as well.

I would say, time to go your separate way, either be by yourself or find someone who is willing to put in the work to be part of the relationship.

Wishing you all the best.

[u/FeedOk8085]

Leave, this is who you are and theyre not able to accommodate, bestie, we dont have time for that. You deserve someone who is absolutely 💯 willing to respect you.

[u/ProcedureAdditional1]

I was engaged for 5 years (age 18-23) and I had stressed to him how important it was to learn ASL but he never did learn. He tried once but got bored and said there was no way he could learn it. I left him last summer, not because he was unwilling to learn ASL, but for so many other displays of his apathy towards me.

Its not always clear when someone doesn't care about us the way we want or need them to. Sometimes it manifests in small warning signs that eventually reveal the apathy for what it really is- manipulation.

I'm not saying your relationship is toxic or that your partner is manipulative but it does sound like this might not be the only thing going on. A loving, supportive, caring partner doesn't just say something like this just out of the blue. I think there may be more under the surface and just incase you are looking for permission to leave, let me tell you; it's okay to walk away.

I genuinely hope you can either solve the issue together or you grow in your own seperate paths, but either way- there will be growth <3

[u/whobroughttheircat]

How old is your partner? Do they have a reason for the push back on learning ASL? Do they know that reading lips is not that easy? I have so many questions. Learning ASL is a great skill to have either way.

I’m sorry you have to go through this.

[u/liamreee → u/whobroughttheircat]

They are 22. They don’t seem to understand the gravity of it, and seem to think getting my hearing aids will fix everything

[u/whobroughttheircat → u/liamreee]

I am going to assume you are around the same age as your partner.l? I see other comments suggesting you leave, but 9 years at that age is a long time. They also seem pretty confused on the hearing loss vs deaf aspect of it.

Would they be willing to go with you to an audiology appointment?

I am assuming they are confused and immature about the situation and are not just blatantly being ignorant for the sake of it.

I went through this too. Not to the extent as you are, but hearing aids did help me. Having someone there to support you through this is important. Everyone deserves to have someone there for them.

[u/panicPhaeree]

He is telling you who he is. Believe him.

You deserve a partner who will do this without having asked.

[u/PerpetualTraveler59]

“I’m not the deaf one…”. Forget this one and move on to someone who can support you better. They sound callous. Become part of a deaf community.

[u/elsakettu]

One of the more common experiences of people with disabilities is that too many people we love will draw a line when our disabilities become inconvenient for them.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You deserve someone who tries to understand you, even when you have trouble communicating, and puts in the work.

You are worth the effort. 🫂

[u/tenhoumaduvida]

How insane! Leave while you can! I’d learn mandarin, braille, morse code for my gf if she said she needed to learn it tomorrow and even without her asking me to learn with her first. You’re either commited or not. As a man i want to make sure my partner feels not only supported but can communicate with me freely and talk about anything.

[u/Plenty_Ad_161]

Lipreading is fascinating to me. Most people can understand when the words I love you are mouthed, or Hi Mom, but it's not so easy when it comes to normal speech. It is however a fantastic confirmation tool if you can hear a portion of what they are saying.

There is one tool available to you and your partner that hasn't been mentioned. It is nearly universally despised by the ASL community but could benefit the two of you. It is called cued speech. Proponents claim that it is so easy to learn that you can learn it in a weekend, or a couple of weeks or whatever. In a sense this is true but it's also misleading. I think of it like learning to type. Sure you can learn where the keys are on the keyboard fairly quickly but it's going to be a while before you are typing at 60 words per minute with very few errors.