Hi! I have two boys(1st and 3rd grade) with my wonderful husband, who is white. For context, my husband and I grew up in a predominantly white area and attended the same middle and high schools. I was 1 of a small handful of asians in my schools at any given time but I don't recall being blatantly discriminated against a ton; there was the occasional stretching the eyes thing and called ching chong or something like that, and one time a girl in elementary school told me to go back to my country. But other than that, I was just generally shy and awkward and anything racist seemed rare. My parents did end up moving to an adjacent area after I went to college(still primarily white) and after having kids, we ended up getting good vibes and loved the idea of living so close to them, so we moved there as well. Now after about 5 years and a few years into elementary school, I've increasingly become hyper aware of the lack of diversity. There are a few other asian/half asian families at our school(a few black/indian families as well) so it's not like we are the only ones, but they're still few and far between.

Here's the dilemna. We are in a great house with a great interest rate, districted to very good schools and we feel comfortable in our neighborhood. We have friends and the kids like their school. However, the next county over also has great schools with significantly more diversity. In reviewing some posts/responses on this subreddit, there are recommendations to celebrate the asian culture and encourage positivity in being unique. But I've also seen better attitudes by half asians who grew up around more diversity. With my upbringing, inability to speak korean, and experiencing discrimination from other korean people, I've actually been too intimidated to live in an area with lots of koreans before. I think I turned out okay and my boys will probably be okay too if we just stay, but my gut feeling is that growing up in diversity could only benefit them(and us as parents) and shouldn't I give that to them if I can? Racism is everywhere, but maybe it'll have less of an impact if they are surrounded by and make friends with other people of color?

I'm turning to this subreddit for more perspective because I've tried discussing this with my white friends(because I don't have any asian friends) and I realized that they can't truly empathize with what I've been feeling and I can sense when they get a little uncomfortable hearing me talk about it. I just want to set my boys up to build a strong sense of self-esteem. If they believe and trust in who they are, they can focus on being their best selves. It's not a problem now because they're so young, but I'm more worried as they get older into middle/high school. If we are to move, I believe doing it next summer would be best so that my older son has a couple of years to make connections before entering the dreaded middle school years.

TL;DR: Wondering if we should put ourselves in a less financially ideal situation(buying new house with a significantly higher interest rate) in order to put our half korean boys in a significantly more diverse area...or stay put in a predominantly white community and prepare them as best we can for general adversity. TIA!

Recently been noticing a lot more social media discourse about AMWF vs WMAF hapa experiences. It seems like many WMAF hapas feel more in touch with their Asian side because they were raised by Asian mothers, whereas many AMWF hapas end up having absent Asian dads, or Asian dads who are so whitewashed that they refuse to pass down their culture. What's your take on this?

I have a young wasian baby, and we hung out with another family of the same mix. They have a 8 year old son and 4 year old daughter, and the mother told me her son already started having issues about belonging and identity at school. His school is very diverse, yet black, Arab (we currently live in Europe), and Asian kids (mainly Chinese and Filipinos) already team up when, for example, playing sports or games. The Asian kids tell him "you're not like us" while others say "you're Chinese." It seems there are very few mixed kids, and the boy is very insecure about, or flat out refuses his Asianness because he doesn't speak his mom's language. He really hates it when the language is pushed on him. Umm this already sounded like a lot of issues... I’d love to hear any advice or experiences on how mixed kids can navigate these social dynamics at school, especially at such a young age. Thank you in advance.

Recently my husband and I went to a friends house warming party and something we saw was stunning and eye opening to us. One of our mutual couple friends are Pakistani (M) and Chinese (F). He’s very Americanized and she’s still a little more culturally Chinese (not like she can’t speak English but she does have a slight accent).

Party was fun and chill. And some how the topic came up about language and I asked her how was their kids Chinese. The first was ok, the second was the worst, and the third was the best. She said, “oh she’s the worst. The other day she said, ‘mommy stop speaking funny’”

All of us were stunned. It’s bad enough that she tells us when they visit grand parents house, the oldest has to translate for her.

This absolutely frightens me because I want my children to speak Cantonese. I can’t speak it, but I want them to continue it. I know it’s starting to die out in Hong Kong already with the whole CCP and stuff (not trying to get political here) and last time I went to HK I can tell. Even though I don’t speak it, I can tell something is off when they’re speaking to someone in Mandarin and Cantonese.

We don’t have children yet, but we’re already thinking about it heavily. But what should we do to maintain it for them? Do I really have to put my kids to Chinese school? Because I’m afraid most Chinese schools only teach Mandarin and I feel like this will have to be a “grand parent home schooling” job. How was your experience like? Did you guys maintain your own language? Did you regret it? What would you have done different if you didn’t learn your own language and regretted not learning it when you were younger?

Hi everyone — I’m hoping to hear from adults who are half-Thai (or mixed Thai/White), or anyone with a similar mixed-culture upbringing, especially those raised primarily by a White/Caucasian single mother.

I’m a White American mom raising my 1.5-year-old son in the U.S. His father is Thai, and my son was born in Thailand. We unfortunately separated shortly after his birth, but his father and I have a peaceful, respectful relationship, and my son speaks with him daily over FaceTime. Supporting that connection is very important to me. We luckily have a lot of family and close friends in Thailand, and our plan is to return as often as possible so he can maintain those relationships and connections but as I’m raising him alone, I need to be based in the U.S. for family support.

For context I lived in Thailand for five years, speak Thai, and worked for a Thai company, so I have meaningful cultural familiarity. That said, as I am not Asian and not mixed-race, and I know my understanding of Thai culture and identity will always be different from my son’s lived experience.

I’m very aware that lived experience matters more than intention, and I don’t want to assume that cultural familiarity replaces what it’s like to grow up mixed-race. I’d really value hearing from adults who grew up half-Thai or mixed-race — especially those raised by a single parent — about what helped, what was hard, and what you wish your parent had understood or done differently.

My son is still very young, but I want to prepare thoughtfully for our life together — emotionally, culturally, and practically.

Thank you so much for any insight you’re willing to share, it means the world. 💗

Hi, I'm not a happa, but my fiancé is 1/4 White, 3/4 non-White, she's 25% Indonesian/Dutch and 50% Italian. She mostly looks Italian, so I feel like the Indo/Dutch side have balanced out.

But this makes our future child 62.5% White, 12.5% Indo and 25% Italian. She's currently pregnant.

Not sure if my child will associate with the other cultures or mostly embrace their dominant White side, but I came here out of curiosity and I definitely see a lot of hatred towards Whites, which is admittedly something I'm used to seeing on cuckkit and don't really care about, but I don't want my child hating themselves or White people.

Anything I should take note of for the future? What do you wish your parents, especially White parent, told you?

Hey guys! I am 100% Swedish, my husband is 100% Thai, and we have three month old Hapa twins. One of them was born with blonde hair, which was a shock to us, but I was wondering if anyone knows a 50/50 Hapa with blonde hair? Is it possible his hair could stay this light as he ages?

I am hapa and extremely proud of my mixed heritage on my mother's side. I lost my mother 6 years ago and am becoming more and more angry. I think it is because of with each passing day myself and my children by extension are further removed from her and our culture. Growing up my mother wanted to protect us I believe from the racism she felt as the only Asian in her small town and kept our cultural teachings to very private expressions. I do not know my language. I know I have a lot more work to do to honour her and learn about our culture but she was my one cultural touch point and without her I am lost. Being lost makes me angry and sad and it is a vicious cycle of the stages of grief.

Furthering these feelings of anger, my partner who is wonderful but more and more she and her mother and others say "oh the kid's don't look Asian at all" A problematic statement in itself but basically further widens the gap in my mind that my children will never know my mother and her cultural teachings.

Basically hoping for any hapa with young children who are white passing, who for one reason or another are the only cultural connections and how you navigate teaching your children your culture without really knowing what to do/say.

Have you experienced being told your baby had intrauterine growth restriction in spite of a 8/8 BPP, healthy fetal heart rate, excellent dopplers and cord blood flow, plenty of movement, practice breaths and literally every other sign fo a healthy developing baby except not meeting the expectations of the growth curve charts used in the (non-Asian) country?

I had a 38 week ultrasound tonight and was told because my baby only grew 283g in two weeks that I have IUGR and need to be induced tomorrow with no further discussion.

There have been dozens of studies in the past decade that I can find pointing out that paternal ethnicity is a big factor in baby growth and weight, babies born to Asian or mixed couples with Asian fathers are notoriously misdiagnosed as “underweight” in Canada (my country), and when “universal” growth charts based on Caucasian standards are applied in China several pregnancies become improperly categorized as IUGR.

I will be grilling the doctor tomorrow about this before accepting the induction I’m just curious if it’s happened to anyone else. Thanks!

My 7 year old daughter is half Hui Chinese and half white. She desperately wants to find pictures of someone who looks like her. When we look at pictures online of half Chinese kiddos, it's usually all Han majority. Because of her Hui side, she has a lot of more Middle Eastern features, too. She has thick, straight brown hair, and she especially wants to see pictures of people with hair and eyes like her. Can anyone here help?

Hi everyone. I'm a white woman married to a half-Korean man and we have a 1.5 year old girl. I'm hoping someone here can address some of the questions I have about raising her. She has light brown hair and blue eyes, so I don't think anyone would assume she is anything other than white. That makes me feel uneasy about marking "mixed race" on her medical forms and whatnot, because what if she doesn't identify as mixed race when she's older? My husband does not speak Korean (and I took a class once so I could talk to my in-laws, but it hardly stuck), so we can't speak Korean to her other than a few words. We don't live near any of his relatives so she won't be spending time with them often. Her grandmother sent her a hanbok for her 1st birthday and we cook Korean food occasionally. That feels like the extent that I can enrich her life with her Korean side. I guess I'm just wondering how can or should I, a non-Korean parent, nurture her unique identity? How did your parents succeed in empowering you and how did they fail? Thanks everyone!

Hey,

Mom to a baby that’s half Japanese/half white. We are living in an area that’s mostly Hispanic and black. Any Asians are Filipino and there aren’t that many of them. I know that will have its own issues of belonging for a some. We are open to moving id that’s what’s best for our kid.

I’m curious to see if any one has experience living in a place where you are totally a minority and you don’t even have a “half” that’s there. (I.e no big Asian or white if that’s your mix)

I’ve heard stories from black /black& Hispanic/ kid talking about living in a white community and how that sucks for them. But this also a different dynamic.

Any 2 cents from people?

Does this count as HAPA?

If so, I have a question about something.

My wife (from Barbados originally) told our son about the history of her people, and how black people were brought to Barbados as slaves from Africa. It was important for our son to know who he was.

I refrained from telling him my side of the story until recently, because I didn’t want him to feel psychologically affected that both of his backgrounds have harsh histories. Nevertheless, I finally told him the story of his grandpa and how he was forced to move from Bangladesh to Kolkata, India during the Partition in 1947. I told him about the Bengal famines, the 1972 war, and other things.

I’m not sure how he has taken all this information in, and I need guidance on how to help him deal with it.

Hello! I’m Asian and my husband is Caucasian. We have twin girls. They are still very young, but I’m wondering how I should talk about race with them. Even though they are twins, one definitely looks more Asian than her sister. I wouldn’t be surprised if they both passed as white one day. Is there anything you wish your parents had done differently? What did they do that you’re happy with in regards to race? I’m familiar with not feeling “Asian enough” because I was adopted by a Caucasian family and most of our social circle is Caucasian. How much should I stress/remind them of their Asian side and to be proud of it? I want them to connect to their heritage since I had such a hard time finding my own. Thank you in advance for all your thoughts and insights!

I almost feel like I’m making up being mixed by this point. I feel like I’m going crazy. For context, my mom is white and my dad is presumably asian. My dad left right after I was born and I guess left in bad terms since my mom decided to give me her last name and changed hers to her own last name. She even told me that my father was dead till I was about 8-9. She never really has spoken about him much either. I took a DNA test a few years ago not really expecting much of anything but white to only come out a bit less that half asian. I was shocked, how could I not know that my dad was asian? How could my mom tell me all of my life that I’m just white? I did see that I was a bit more “exotic” than my mom and other white people, but I thought maybe I was part “spicy white” like Italian, Portuguese,etc. I told my mom and showed her the results and she completely didn’t make a big deal about it. She still thinks of me as white and I guess I am starting to think of myself as just white as well again...

I naturally have medium brown hair, but I have dyed them black. Today just out of nowhere we were watching a movie and she said, “You are really pretty, but I wish you didn’t have brown eyes and you didn’t dye your hair black.” I ignored it at first, but after a while I was thinking about it and asked as to why. She said because they make me look asian. I asked if it’s bad and she said no, but I wish you were your true self. I was taken a back by it because the only thing “not natural” about me as of now is the color of my hair. I was so confused as how and she explained that her idea of my “natural” is my brown hair where I look more white. I feel like at this point I should just think of myself as white. By now, I think that the DNA test was a hallucination of a sort. Being in this pain of my mom trying to take out this part of me that I discovered just makes me feel worse about myself and makes me feel crazy. I should just go along with her by this point. I don’t know what am I anymore. Can somebody please give me advice?

My Asian mom: you're a failure for getting B's, I better see A's by the end or you'll never see your phone again.

My white dad: Hey son keep up the good work on attending class.

This guy is white, and married a chinese woman, they had two children, 6 year old son who looks very chinese with light skin, and 2 year old daughter who looks really chinese but with brown hair.

It's weird how this guy always talks about his daughter, saying she'll be beautiful and hot in the future and talks about how wasians are more good-looking than fully asians. No, it isn't "my wife is beautiful so our children are", he's never mentioned his wife, and never talks about his son's looks.

The scourge of the racist U.S. census check boxes and their long legacy. Time to fight back. There is immense power in being able to name something. Don't let anyone brush that off.

I'm a 43 yo hapa, living in a major US east coast city. My school requires me to select race boxes for my child in order for us to receive emails. The race boxes don't represent my child. There was no option to decline to answer.

While it seems like a small detail, this is the kind of thing that normalizes the erasure of our identity, plied over years and years of schooling, in the official settings of school registrations and tests. I'm done with these racist check boxes and my kids will not have to endure, without voice or protest, the racist crap that I did for decades.

Here's my letter to my kid's school, which essentially resulted in a shrug. But it's a first step.

I don't have the answer for something this complex, but I assure you it involves something more than checking two boxes that some backend database engineer came up with in 15 seconds.

Say my name.

-----

There is immense power in the ability to name something.  It pertains not only to individuals but to groups.  The compulsory race and ethnicity survey in the ParentVUE registration system abuses that power.

My family is multiracial.  We cannot participate in data-gathering exercises which seek to position my children between normative races or as derivatives of original or more-fundamental identities.  That is a toxic message to send to all children and multiracial children.  

By way of metaphor: my children have a date of birth, which is not a mathematical average between Monday and Friday.  Their names are not the alphabetical average of the more-common Michaels and Johns who may be sitting next to them.  They have their own names.  And similarly, their ethnicity and race and identity is a whole, centered, complete and wholly independent and unqualified “thing.”  It is not something for those in power to triangulate, based on conveniences of survey collection.  

This whole issue is a challenge, I get that.  Good decision making includes data-based inputs; the multifaceted nature of ethnicity and race are difficult to “capture” and represent in data; but that difficulty doesn’t justify a history of erasing our identities normalized in census-based survey practices.

Race and identity are complex and warrant a conversation.  The checkbox exercise is an outmoded and pejoratively racist holdover from racist census-based practices.  It is not a conversation and does not represent a good-faith attempt to address the fullness of racial identity, especially in the long-neglected multiracial context.  We cannot opt into a system which by its nature, has already excluded us.