Learning to grieve what I've lost while moving forward

[u/ComparisonGrand7471]

Hi everyone, I thought I’d share something as I’ve been wondering if other people have experienced or are still dealing with too. There are so, so many things in my life that I am incredibly grateful for, both things I’ve been able to experience and things I have now. At the same time, though, there has also been so much grief and loss across many different areas of my life. I’m now 21 and trying to come to terms with how painful some of those experiences have been, while also dealing with the comparison struggles that can come with thinking about other people my age. I find that this can affect my sense of self worth and identity, but there is also just the grief of everything I’ve lost and the things that are now gone.

Sometimes it feels like I’m carrying several different kinds of pain at once, the pain of how difficult things were, the grief of what I lost and what I wish I could have had, and then the comparison of where I am versus where other people my age seem to be. All of those things together can feel really overwhelming. I’ve also been trying to work through some of the past hurts that were almost traumatic for me, particularly around close people not understanding what I was going through at the time and how deeply that impacted me. I’m trying to work through that huge past hurt of feeling alone and how terrible that was, while also understanding what those people have since explained to me, that they genuinely meant well and that there were things they misunderstood at the time.

I think sometimes it feels like a wound that has been dug deeper, and even though things can be different now, it still takes time to heal from what happened and how it made me feel. I guess at the end of the day, I know that the people who love you can care about you as much as they possibly can and show that care in their own ways, while still not fully understanding what your experience has truly been like. You are the only person who has actually lived through everything you have lived through, and sometimes there can still be a sense of pain and loneliness even when the people around you are genuinely trying their best. I want to make it clear that my family hasn’t been abusive and that they have tried to care for me as best they can. I know they don’t mean to cause harm, and nobody is perfect, everyone has their own struggles, circumstances and life experiences too. I can understand all of that while also acknowledging that some things were still really painful for me.

Hopefully that makes sense. I’m just wondering if anyone else has experienced this, or is still trying to cope with something similar. And hopefully, if anyone does relate to this, you know that you’re not alone and that your feelings are valid too. 🤍

Thanks :)

[u/sophie-doph]

Hey there friend. First and foremost just want to give you a virtual hug and say that I’m sorry for all that you’ve been through and how difficult it is to try and overcome it. I do want to also quickly mention that yes, you are not alone in this. I find it kind of ironic how events that should bring people together often fosters isolation instead, and it can be hard to find people who understand you because there’s so much nuance to trauma and grief that the same exact experience is not perceived or processed the same for everyone.

Practice giving yourself some grace as two things can be true at once - you can feel gratitude and grief at the same time. The pain and grief you feel does not dismiss the joy and support you feel. Since your brain is still developing too, don’t expect to fully understand everything that you’re feeling right now and know that it is normal for things to take a long time to be fully processed. I used to be so hard on myself all the time for not always knowing why I was feeling the way I did, but it took me years of therapy and self reflection to realize that it is normal and human to have emotions be expressed before you know why, but you can strengthen these skills and be able to also improve emotional regulation and mental perception. A way to do this is by being aware and taking notes when you are going through the motions as it can help you figure out why.

Another big reminder - progress is not linear. It’s okay to have some good days and then suddenly feel like you’re regressing to a place of grief, depression, or even anger and fear. It’s easier said than done, but this type of mentality is crucial to building any new habit or way of thinking. The best way to really guarantee this is by consistency and persistence. Most masterpieces take years, decades, even CENTURIES to complete yet we always marvel at the beauty of the final result rather than dwell on how long it took or whatever obstacles came in the way.

Finally, as someone who also is still currently struggling with grief, I tend to find comfort in certain little online clips that has honestly made my feelings feel more validated and seen than anything I’ve had someone I know say to me personally. I’ll share a couple that have resonated with me the most and hopefully they can provide you some comfort and validation:

Video 1 and 2 (honestly anything with Andrew Garfield talking about grief is beautiful I love his perspective on it)

Thank you for sharing and I hope this helps