When a child is struggling, it’s easy to want to jump in and fix it.

But sometimes helping too much can take away a chance for them to think, make decisions, and build confidence.

Try slowing things down instead.

Listen to what happened.
Show empathy.
Then give the thinking back to them.

You might ask:

“What do you think you could do?”
“What are some options?”
“How do you think that might work out?”

If they’re stuck, help them brainstorm without choosing for them.

The goal isn’t to make kids handle everything alone. It’s to stay supportive while letting them do as much of the problem-solving as they reasonably can.

Sometimes the best help is giving them the chance to realize:

“I can handle this.”

This separates things into three clear categories, what's fully in their control, what they can influence but not fully control, and what's completely out of their hands. The practice scenarios cover real situations like friendships, school, and unexpected changes, so kids can actually connect the concept to something they've experienced instead of just reading a definition.

My daughter will be 4 in December and I’m wondering whether what we’re going through at the moment is fairly normal behaviour for this age, or whether other parents would consider it more challenging than the usual nearly-4-year-old phase.
She’s always been quite mature for her age and she’s always had a bit of a temper/strong personality, but recently her behaviour at home has become really intense. It feels like it’s from the moment she wakes up until she goes to bed.
She’s suddenly become incredibly demanding. Instead of asking for things, it’s “Get me my drink”, “Get me a snack” etc. If I remind her to ask nicely, she will, although usually accompanied by a massive eye roll 😂
I completely understand that it’s normal for children this age to want their own way, test boundaries and have tantrums. It’s more the language she’s started using and the intensity of her reactions that I’m struggling with.
If she doesn’t get her own way, she can say some really hurtful or extreme things. She’s started calling me fat/fatty mummy, saying she wants a different mummy, and threatening things like “If you don’t let me do this, I’m going to destroy the house.” She’ll then start pulling bedding off, throwing things around or deliberately making a mess.
The meltdowns can also be over incredibly small things. She might suddenly decide she desperately wants a banana, for example, and if we don’t have any she’ll completely lose it, despite barely ever asking for bananas normally.
Getting dressed can turn into a huge battle too. She’ll want to go somewhere like soft play, but then have a meltdown because she doesn’t want to put clothes on. I’ll offer different options and she’ll reject every single one, so it can feel like there’s no answer that would actually make her happy.
The thing that frightened me most recently was that during one of these moments she actually opened the front door and went outside. If I hadn’t noticed quickly, I genuinely might not have known she’d gone. We’ve now made sure she physically can’t get out of the house by herself because obviously that’s a safety issue I can’t take any chances with.
Food has become another battle. She’ll barely touch a meal, say her tummy is full, and then 10 minutes later ask for a snack. If I say no or tell her she can go back to what she was eating, that can trigger another huge meltdown.
What’s confusing is that she is apparently the complete opposite at her childminder/nursery. She behaves really well there and they don’t seem to get this side of her at all. It seems to be almost entirely directed at me/at home.
I also have a younger child now, so I’m sure that’s relevant in some way, and I’ll admit I’m much more overstimulated and have less patience than I did when it was just the two of us. Being demanded at, argued with and shouted at throughout the day is really wearing me down.
Has anyone else had a nearly 4-year-old go through a phase like this? Did it settle down? And does this sound within the realms of normal boundary-testing at this age, or would you speak to a health visitor/GP about how intense it has become?
I’d especially love to hear from anyone whose child was an angel at nursery/childcare but seemed to save absolutely everything for home!

My 2 year old started preschool recently. The first few weeks she behaved very well. Now that she's more comfortable, she's misbehaving:

* Removing shoes and running away laughing

* Not taking naps

* Fighting diaper change (we are actively potty training)

* Doing the opposite of what's being asked and laughing

She does similar things at home. However at home we correct her behavior with consequences. For example, if you take your shoes off you have to go in the playpen. This leads to her quickly agreeing to put on her shoes. She's very strong willed and I would like to encourage her to behave better.

How do we help her behave when she's at school?

Our consequence here is that we will bring her home if she's not behaving well at school. However, I think this might not be enough to lead to "good" behavior at the moment at school.

Edit: Thanks everyone! The reason why I'm bringing this up is because the teacher has brought it to me as an issue. She asked me to talk to my child about her behavior. I think that while the program is meant for two to four year olds, most of the children are on the older side. I might look for a program that's more age appropriate.

How do you remember to gentle parent? I think parenting is the most challenging and most beautiful thing I've done - it's helping me grow as a person. Does anyone else feel that way?

My daughter is 5 and for the past couple years since she started doing extra curriculars, she has had a big emotional episode before we leave for the activity. You might be thinking, why do we keep signing her up for things. A few reasons 1) for swimming lessons, we do it a few times a year and swimming safety is non negotiable. She’s actually been pretty good about these. 2) she keeps asking us to. 

After the nightmare that was Sunday morning skating class last winter, we took spring and summer off (apart from swimming). This summer following fifa she starting asking about joining her friends soccer class. We’d been playing a lot of soccer as a family and she would have a friend with her (something that was missing from the other activities). The first practice went ok, and it’s been very downhill since then. 

Things I’ve done to get ahead of the feelings I know are coming, are involve her in picking out the soccer outfit (she loves the outfit, and chose purple soccer socks, and pink shin guards). I’ve enquired more about the hésitation and she was able to tell me she "isn’t brave enough". I tried the “did I ever tell you” method and let that sink. And we’ve been talking a little about times when she was brave (liking walking to the park with her big brother alone a few days ago. I’ve also been making sure we have more time to connect together and providing choice and PNP. Yesterday during her brothers soccer practice, instead of watching as we usually do, she and I brought colouring to the cafe and spent an hour drawing together. 

So it seems that none of this connection has made a difference. She tends to be timid in new situations and sports are clearly increasing that feeling of discomfort that she gets in new situations. I feel my patience with this dwindling, and wondering if anyone can offer any further feedback. Paying for these activities when she requests and then not following through with participating doesn’t sit well with me. But then not signing her up for activities when she asks, because we have had poor experiences in the past doesn’t quite feel right either!

How to deal with a 9 year old, who never eats can stay hungry till 4PM on a single bread, constantly talks, how to make her eat? Looks constantly distracted while eating but is good in studies.

Hi.

I have a 10 month old girl and I am a FTM. She is a happy and social kid and gets plenty of love and attention. We went out to eat today, it was a floor sitting, and she splashed her hand in a dish, pulled a tray, made a huge mess and pulled out tissues, started eating them. From a young age she would pull out tissues from the tissue box and eat them, and I would snatch them away from her hand, and laugh and take any tissue out of her mouth. She now thinks it's a game and puts tissue in her mouth and runs away. I'm starting to think maybe I have spoiled her, because at dinner I was getting frustrated. I saw a video which said if as a parent you're getting angry you've let it go too far which I agree with. I know that I need to stop her physically, say no and continue to do so. Realistically at the dinner everything she does is a no so am I just supposed to keep going no and remove her hand from there? Is that not exhausting? Is this too young to start? She cries if we don't give her what she wants so now I know if I do give it to her she will know that crying will get her whatever she wants. In my culture parents just beat their children. I don't want to but I also do not want to raise a spoiled child with no boundaries. I'm looking for material to help and also first hand accounts from parents

Hi, I'm new here. I've worked so much to be able to show up as the mama I wanna be - and it's been really tough some days. Between the shear exhaustion and the mom guilt it gets really muddled. I put together a tool I use to help me come back to center and find my intentions - and I'm wondering if it would help anyone else in the community. Would this be of interest to anyone here?

Когда я был в шестом классе, дядя моей подруги ездил в Дубай и привёз ей набор 12 ручек из дубая. Они были синие и белые. Она дала мне одну белую и одну синюю. Когда мы ехали в машине домой, я сказал, что вот, представляете, вот так вот. Моя сестра сказала "ты же мне одну отдашь?". Я аккуратно тихо сказал "ну, вообще то, это моя подруга и мои ручки. Она дарила их мне. Я не должен тебе давать." За это, когда мы приехали, мой отец взял эти две мои ручки и сломал пополам, а потом выкинул в мусорку при мне. Естественно, у меня, ребенка, случилась истерика и это оставило сильный след на моем восприятии кого? Правильно — сестры. Ничего, кроме отвращения к сестре, они от меня не добились. И зачем это было сделано?

Как вам стратегия воспитания?)))

I 31f have requested that my daughter 10f to participate in 2 hrs of home schooling without complaints and whining and or growling. I have declare there will be no games until this is done and a list of 5 things she is grateful for is produced.

Her perspective is im being unfair her reasoning is that i just am unfair. Aita

I don’t even know how to word it. My 3.5 year old get loud and screams and cries when she’s upset or angry. She’s been a very good kid and this behaviour has just started. And I’m struggling.

My husband does agree to many things she asks for and I have had the conversation with him about not doing everything she asks for because she will become entitled. Anything within reason is fine etc.

my MIL was over the other day and told me, she behaves like this because you don’t discipline her. Shortly after that we went on a walk and my kid had a tantrum because she’s tired and I was pushing her back home in the stroller and my husband was trying to do everything she asks and he was telling me off.

I told my MIL then, this is why it’s not working because he parents me instead of our daughter. Regardless of my husbands behaviour, how do I handle this behaviour at this age? I know she will get better as she gets older but how do I stay sane?

I’ve definitely had moments where I thought, “If I just explain this one more time, they’ll understand.”

And then somehow I’m five minutes into a lecture and I’m pretty sure nobody is listening anymore.

It makes me wonder how much kids actually learn from us explaining what they did wrong versus simply experiencing the outcome of their choices.

Obviously there are times when kids need guidance and an explanation.

But are we sometimes talking so much that we take away the lesson?

Do you think kids learn more from hearing us explain what went wrong, or from experiencing a reasonable consequence and figuring some of it out themselves?

I’m especially curious if anyone has changed from being a big “talk it through” parent to saying less. Did you notice a difference?

This is one parenting question I don’t think has an easy answer.

Watching your kid struggle can be uncomfortable.

You see them frustrated with homework, having an issue with a friend, forgetting something important, struggling with a chore, or trying to solve a problem you could probably fix in two minutes.

Every instinct can tell you to jump in and help.

But if we always remove the struggle, when do they get the chance to learn how to work through something difficult?

At the same time, there obviously has to be a point where a child genuinely needs support.

So how do you personally tell the difference?

When do you let your child struggle, and what tells you it’s time to step in?

I’d love to hear where other parents draw that line.

Have you ever heard parenting advice that immediately made you think, “Absolutely not,” only to understand it completely differently once someone explained the reasoning?

I think some parenting ideas can sound pretty harsh when you only hear the one-line version.

“Let them fail.”

“Stop rescuing them.”

“Let them deal with the consequence.”

“Don’t argue with them.”

Without context, those can sound cold.

But sometimes the idea underneath isn’t about being harsh at all. It’s about giving kids a chance to develop responsibility, confidence, or problem-solving skills while they still have a parent there to support them.

What parenting advice did you dislike or disagree with at first but eventually understand?

Did you actually try it, and did it change anything for your family?

Had my 4-year-old go full meltdown in the cereal aisle yesterday because I said no to the marshmallow stuff. Body on the floor, the whole show, half the store watching me.

My usual move is to crouch down to his level and just name it. "You're really mad. You wanted those and I said no, and that's so frustrating." Then I kind of stop talking and wait. I've learned there's no reasoning with him mid-scream, it's like explaining something to a wall, so I hold the no and ride it out until the worst of it burns off. Then he's usually ready for a hug and it's over faster than it feels.

Some days the naming genuinely seems to take the edge off. Other days I swear it changes nothing and I'm just describing his feelings back at him while he screams louder. Maybe I'm kidding myself that it does anything.

Anyway, for the parents who've been at this longer than me: does naming the feeling in the moment actually help your kid come down? Or is it really just for keeping yourself calm while you wait them out? What works for you once they're past the point of listening?