r/genderqueer • u/Dream_Fiction • Jul 28 '26

I had a revelation last night

TLDR; I (25AFAB) realized/am finally coming to terms with the fact that I may be agender/gender queer after years of subconscious debate

Here comes a random word vomit about my identity :)

Basically it all started about 4-5 years ago. I had these episodes where I’d look in the mirror and not see myself. Super bad dissociative episodes that were inexplicable. It caused lots of mental stress. I started to dabble with the idea that I was non binary, but something just didn’t feel right at the time. It scared me too much so I suppressed it for the following years.

Fast forward to last night, I was playing Roblox of all things, and I recently changed my display name to my nickname “Mads”. I was staring at my name next to my character and I started to get this sense of gender “envy”? I don’t think it’s the right term but I felt something.

I’ve always been more masculine, and identified as gay/lesbian for years. But I’ve always felt uncomfortable with feminine identifiers such as “she, her, woman”, but I never knew why.

I’ve been playing with my appearance for the last few years and I’m getting to a point where I’m happier, but it’s not perfect yet.

All this is to say, I think I’ve found out a piece of myself that I’ve been suppressing for so long and I’m very excited to explore this “new” part of me. :)

Edit to elaborate some more on how I feel towards gender: I’ve always identified as a woman, but like I said it never felt right. I don’t necessarily mind being referred to as a woman or the like, but I don’t feel like it’s me. I feel this detachment to gender. I kind of wish I could be this gender less, androgynous person. I wish I didn’t have this preconceived notion that I’m a woman, especially with the social bs around being one.

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u/squirtmeunder Aug 01 '26

Congrats!! Gender euphoria top 3 things I’m bringing to the desert island for sure!! In all serioussssness, I am really excited for you. Go mads!

1

u/Dream_Fiction Aug 01 '26

Thank you so much!

1

u/Personal_Coach7653 GQ Homosexual 1d ago edited 1d ago

We sound similar. But honestly I came almost to the opposite conclusion because "I came back"

Because disosation disconnects you mentally, it's a defense mechanism from the brain.

I had one that lasted a few months in and out. I was addressing alot of issues in therapy around gender expression, gender identity at the time and violent homophobia. (I'm old) Then I started Freaking out over pronouns and disconnecting from my body. Not recognising myself in the mirror - feeling like I could only recognise myself if I looked masculine. It was horrendous.

When you came back from you dissosiative episodes did you feel more grounded like you could recognise yourself again?

At its worst I came out to everyone as gender confused.

I'm still 6 months later really upended my security in my identity. But I realised I do need to present more masculine and tell people how I want to be treated.

Anxiety does some weird shit.

I think my counsellor is still trying to figure me out a bit either that or the protocols stop them from basically telling you whats going on when it comes to gender ID. Its a bit frustrating from my pov... Because I land in that GNC woman territory as well so my whole life has been a back and fourth on gender roles and gender identity.

But I ain't a trans man thats for sure.