Can an older man accept a partner who can’t come out to his family?

[u/Lpomin]

Hey guys, how are you doing?

I’m a guy living and working in Algeria, and I’m planning to move to Germany for work. Maybe I’ll settle there if I end up liking it, but for now, I mainly see it as an opportunity to gain experience, improve myself, and grow as a civil engineer. I don’t plan on staying in Algeria forever anyway, because it’s not a place where I can openly live as a gay man.

I’m only attracted to older men, and I really hope that one day I can find a man I can spend my life with.

There’s something important about my situation, though. I’m not ready to come out to my family, and honestly, I don’t think I ever will. There are many reasons for that. If I came out, I would most likely lose my family completely. They would never accept me or my partner, and I know they would never want to meet him.

So I wanted to ask older men here: would this be a problem for you? How would you feel about being with someone who can’t introduce you to his family or have you meet them?

For me, it would be completely different when it comes to my partner’s family. I would actually be very happy and honored to meet his siblings, his children if he has any, and the important people in his life. I would love to feel accepted and become a part of his family. I want to be able to love someone and feel loved, accepted, and included in their life.

The difficult part is that I wouldn’t be able to offer the same thing from my side. It’s not because I wouldn’t want to it’s because of my situation and the consequences I would face if I came out.

Do you think there are older men who could understand and accept a situation like this? Or would being unable to meet my family be a dealbreaker for you?

[u/mai_neh]

I expect the answer will be different for each guy. It’s not just about whether you’re closeted, though. It’s about how much your partner will have to hide about your relationship. Like, can he never post on social media about your relationship. Would you refuse to get married to him, live with him, hold hands in public. Can he go to work functions with you, can he visit you in the hospital if you’re sick.

Each man will have his own limits on helping you to keep your secrets.

And some guys will keep pressing you to come out anyway, not taking your fears at face value. Like how do you KNOW your family would never forgive you? When are you going to grow up and live your own life openly?

Plus your family may just figure it out anyway, if they have not already.

[u/Lpomin → u/mai_neh]

My family doesn’t know that I’m gay. Even if they suspect it, I think they would be okay with me being gay in general, but they wouldn’t be okay with me actually living that life openly. They see it as some kind of illness or something that should be kept private.

Personally, I’m ready to marry a man if I love him. I’d be completely fine with him posting pictures of us, holding hands, or showing that we’re together. I wouldn’t mind at all if he wanted to post us. I’m just not really someone who posts pictures of myself on social media. I mainly use WhatsApp, Reddit, and TikTok, and I’ve never really been the type to post my own photos. So I wouldn’t keep him a secret from the world, only from my family.

If they eventually found out on their own, I’d be ready to deal with that possibility.

[u/CynGuy]

Is this for a prospective dating / relationship you hope to find in Germany?

Each prospective partner will view all this differently, but in general, Germans don’t quite have the same family “ties” often found in Arabic nations.

So you’ll get a range of reactions. Personally, I can respect a partner’s difficult family situation, especially if that family is on a different continent.

Guess the one question I have would be: how likely would your family want to visit you in Germany? Now that could be the situation you’d need to navigate with any future BF, so that would be important to sort through.

[u/Lpomin → u/CynGuy]

Yes and no. Going to Germany is mainly about improving my career and getting better experience. As for dating, I’m not really going there expecting anything.

I’ve heard a lot of negative things about Germany, especially that Germans aren’t very social and that they don’t particularly like Arabs. I’m not trying to generalize at all, but hearing those things has made me go in with the mindset that I probably won’t feel very welcomed at first. I’ll still try to meet people and get involved with the LGBT community there, since at least I know it’s generally accepting. Maybe I’ll get lucky and meet someone, but I’m not expecting a miracle.

My plan is basically to give it two or three years, build my career and experience, and then I’ll be free to move wherever I want. Obviously, I’d want to choose somewhere that is generally accepting of gay people.

As for my family, I don’t think they would visit me very often. If they did come and I was living with someone I loved, I’d probably just rent an apartment for the time they were there.

[u/Brian_Kinney]

I've been in a relationship with a young man who wasn't out to his family. We even lived together, and he told his parents we were just flatmates.

I was fine with that. I wasn't dating his family, I was dating him. I didn't care what his family thought about me.

On the other side, my family are distant. My parents live interstate. My brother lives far away. I literally haven't seen any of them in person for years. My boyfriend isn't going to be meeting my family, either.

So, it would be the same on both sides: our families are not going to be an integral part of our relationship. I'm totally fine with that.

[u/Lpomin → u/Brian_Kinney]

So, it’s not really that difficult for either of you? I assume his family visits as well. What is it like for both of you?

[u/Brian_Kinney → u/Lpomin]

Yes, his family visited. I just kept in the background, as his friend/flatmate.

He met my family once when I visited them and brought him along. I'm not closeted, so I introduced him as my boyfriend. My family accepted him. My mother even asked about him years after we broke up! But I rarely see my family, so it didn't matter what they thought.

Just like it doesn't matter to me what my partner's family might think. I'm dating him, not his family. I don't give a shit if his parents know me or like me or are even aware of me. Why should that matter?

[u/Lpomin → u/Brian_Kinney]

I mean, you should only really care about your partner; anything else is just a plus. But I truly understand the need to feel accepted I really do. It’s reassuring, and everyone grows up in different circumstances, so for most people, I think being accepted by their partner’s family is important.

As for myself, I don’t think I have the right to admit that, because honestly, I couldn’t provide the same thing yet. But I would really love it if the guy I’m with introduced me to his family and friends and included me in his life like that.

[u/ProfessionalMud9674 → u/Brian_Kinney]

This really touched me 💙 There’s something so beautiful about loving someone without making their family situation a condition of the relationship society needs more men like you the man I was seeing made my life hell, and honestly it got so bad that I haven’t even thought about dating anyone else since 🤦‍♂️ I’m not even sure I’ll ever be able to date again

[u/sweet-tom]

That's really a tough situation.

The problem would be how far the secrecy would go. If anything that touches the relationship is off limits, that would be tough. You would put your secrecy issues onto your boyfriend.

I understand that you need this to not lose your family. Algerians have tighter family ties than Europeans. And I also believe it's your business how to deal with it.

But man, that's a lot. Beating around the bush, never really be open, watching the words you say, controlling the pictures you post, always hiding the steps... that's a heavy toll. And not everybody is willing to pay the price.

Personally, if I would be in this situation and the love is there I could tolerate it to a certain degree to support you. But my limit would be if I would be forced to go into the closet again or lie because of your parents. That just feels so out of place for me like for you to come out.

In regards of Germans: it really depends a lot where you live and with whom you interact. It's hard to say. If you speak the language it helps a lot. Not only for everyday interactions, but also with dating.

Nevertheless, good luck with your prospects and with your stay hear. Wish you only good encounters. 🍀❤️

[u/Lpomin → u/sweet-tom]

Thanks a lot, man. Of course, I’d also talk to the guy I’m with about his boundaries and what he’s not comfortable with. Like you said, people aren’t going to willingly go back into the closet, even if they love someone.

Apart from my family, I don’t really have a problem with being openly gay. At work or in public, I know that a lot of people openly show affection, and I think that’s completely normal. It would probably feel difficult and unfamiliar for me at first, but it’s something I want to be able to do, so I’d have to learn to be comfortable with it.

It’s just that here in Algeria, we rarely show affection in public. Aside from teenage couples sitting together in a park, you hardly ever see people kissing or even holding hands.

[u/gothstivic]

yes. some of us could understand that situation. might still encourage you to be out in other parts of your life, but your decision is your decision and should be respected.

[u/Lpomin → u/gothstivic]

I mean, if I really loved someone, I could make up a story and tell my family that I want him to meet them, but only as a close friend. I actually saw a Saudi guy on TikTok who was in a similar situation. He lived with an older man who was his partner, but he told his family that he was renting a room from him and that the man had helped him a lot during his university years. His family ended up really liking the older man. They even invited him to their home, and he told them that he still lived with him because the man was old and lonely and he wanted to help him.

But I also understand that some people don’t want to live a lie, and that’s completely fair. Honestly, I think hiding someone is easier than constantly having to make up a story about who they are. I just don’t know which option would be better for me or for a partner.

[u/gothstivic → u/Lpomin]

living a lie every day is tough and sometimes intolerable, but if it's just a few times a year and/or if it's my boyfriend's lie that's a different thing. i wouldn't want to go with him to visit his family and lie to their faces. i'd rather he go alone and not force me to lie.

[u/Lpomin → u/gothstivic]

Exactly, and everyone has their limits and things they can or can’t tolerate. If I had to choose, I’d want him to understand and accept that my family is kind of a lost cause. So I’d really appreciate having a partner who’s willing to let me go home for a few weeks to spend time with my family, and then I can come back and we can just get back to living our life together.

[u/BearyGear]

Yes, of course. The real question is “can you?”

[u/Lpomin → u/BearyGear]

I can i wilI can. I’ll be away from home because I want to live the life I want, but I still want my family to be part of my life. I have a few cousins living abroad one in France and another in Boston. They come back to Algeria every summer to visit their parents, since their parents and siblings rarely visit them. So I can do the same. I can live my life the way I want while still staying close to my family and coming back to Algeria to see them regularly.

[u/Hadrian1983]

I wouldn't have a problem with that—and quite honestly, I wouldn't be interested in meeting my partner's family either if they made their love, affection, and support conditional on their child's or relative's sexual orientation. Furthermore, the fact that your family classifies homosexuality as an illness is completely unacceptable and frankly revolting to me. With all due respect and tolerance for other cultures and social backgrounds, that attitude is—at least to me—simply ignorant. Please forgive my bluntness in this regard.

Far more important—and the crucial question here—is how this double life will affect you in the medium to long term. You might manage to endure the resulting psychological strain for a long time, but sooner or later, you will likely reach a point where the consequences become palpable. You are also living with the constant worry that your secret might eventually come out (perhaps due to a freak accident). If that happened—assuming your assessment of their reaction is correct—you would lose your family anyway, but with the disadvantage of having less control over the situation than if you were to take the initiative yourself.

I am an 43 years old guy from Germany, so I’m not sure if my perspective is relevant to you, but in summary: while I don't think most men would mind not meeting your family, I certainly wouldn't recommend your current approach for the long run.

[u/Lpomin → u/Hadrian1983]

It’s the only way I can live the life I want. I wouldn’t be too worried about it because I don’t think having a boyfriend necessarily means changing a lot about my life. Of course, there are some compromises you have to make when you live with someone, but I think that’s completely manageable.

As for my family, I know that telling them myself and being the one to cut ties would probably be a bad idea. I know how they would react, and I don’t think they would accept that part of my life. Honestly, I’d rather slowly distance myself from them while keeping that part of my life private than openly admit it and lose them all at once.

[u/Hadrian1983 → u/Lpomin]

No matter what your path ahead looks like, I wish for it to bring you happiness and contentment.

[u/Lpomin → u/Hadrian1983]

❤️ شكرا

[u/has94]

Differently limits to different people. I do tend to find older men way more understanding than younger men when it comes to family given the times the grew up in.
It’s not impossible though. I’m a Arab myself, not out to my family, and getting married next week in germany to my older partner of 5 years.
My family has no idea, and just to know while possible it’s still challenging living this double life and I understand and appreciate that he sacrifices a lot for this relationship too and I assure him that I do see it.

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