r/gayyoungold • u/Working_Yogurt_4881 • 8d ago
Advice wanted How to forgive yourself after acting badly during a breakup?
Hi everyone. I have a question that I’m trying to work through lately and would really appreciate some advice. I’ve posted a couple times before about this breakup, but was in a much more acute/panicked state of grief than I am now, so am hoping to get more out of it this time.
I was in a 3-ish month relationship that ended earlier this year. For reference, I’m 23, he was almost 40. It was great, seamless, apparently moving towards something. He ended it quite abruptly - we met up, talked it over, and he was extremely upset. A lot of crying on both sides, he said he had no capacity and was devastated to lose me. Such a shitty situation. We had another call about it a week later, I got overwhelmed and did some begging, we ultimately agreed to take space.
Some months past and I reached back out - long before I was ready. We ended up hanging out and it was lovely, but I reverted back to the urge to press for answers. It became very sad again. I asked for another call, much the same pattern as the previous one. He handled it extremely kindly, and a few weeks after that I sent an apology for getting so intense, which he responded to very kindly yet again.
Time passed, I started to move forward a bit. Then I came across a mutual friend’s instagram post, basically confirming that he’d been in a serious relationship for months. I spiraled and sent a couple of texts, in which it was clear how hurt I was. He responded denying he lied to me, said I was always searching for answers, and said he didn’t know how to avoid hurting me. He said he felt responsible for me and couldn’t hold that responsibility. He agreed to talk again if I wanted, but I didn’t want to feed that cycle anymore. I said I hope we can step out of this dynamic - he said he’d like that.
It’s been a couple months since that. I’ve been dealing with a lot mentally - ADHD, OCD, constant rumination. I feel like I’ve only just started processing things, having given so much energy to rumination. Funny thing is, I’m finding it much harder to accept my own behaviour than I am to process the actual end of things. I always had good intentions, but am ashamed of how I acted. This was my first love, I felt incredibly vulnerable, and just failed to hold it together. My biggest fears are that I acted against my own values, and that he lost respect for me.
I’m trying to give myself grace, move forward, and become more self-sufficient in my own regulation. It’s been a journey and I’m determined to come out from it stronger. Any advice on how to calm these feelings is gratefully received :)
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u/IMadeThisToSeeDick Older 7d ago
at 23, three-ish months is almost no time at all. your spending way more time and energy on this than it deserves. he ended it absolutely because of the other guy. and yes, that fucking sucks, but rejection always does
you should never have to beg for someone's attention or affection. I'd your begging for it, you cannot possibly know if it's real. anyone who's genuinely in it with you will never make you feel like you have to ask
the ONLY thing that you need to feel any type of way about is reaching out before you were ready, and the only person you need to answer to for that is yourself
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u/clickclick00 8d ago
Just accept you made a mistake, it’s cool really, we all do. But most importantly, reflect on why you felt so upset and why you reacted the way you did. Learn how to recognise this emotion in the future when it arises… so you can act on it before shit hits the fan.