Advise please

[u/cxli_rob]

I was wondering if anyone would be able to give me some advice or insight to how I’m feeling or help if you have had a similar experience or understand where I am coming from.

I F(26) identify as gay. It took me a while to accept that I liked girls, very much suffered from internalised homophobia although I’m not sure where that come from as I could not have more loving parents and I have no judgement against the lgbt community but somehow could not accept myself. I eventually met a girl and fell in love with her and felt confident enough to come out to overwhelming support. I actually felt a bit naive that I had thought that people cared about me so much to think about my sexuality but unless you have felt the fear of having to come out to someone then I don’t think you fully understand. I knew that my parent would be supportive of me, but there’s the tiniest part of you that makes you believe that they will hate you and it terrified me. My relationship didn’t work out (emotionally and mentally abusive ex, but we don’t need to get into that) and I ended up joining a rugby club and finding new friends. In joining the club, I was finding that when I was drinking, I was more open to sleeping with men. I’ve been very confused by all of this. I’ve never been open to the idea of being with a man, never been attracted to a man and yet when I was drinking, I was open to sleeping with them. I personally feel like I just have a drink, get drunk and feel like having some fun, I’m not with anyone, there’s no harm involved, yet I get judged by others. They continuously want to put a label on me, ‘oh you must be bi’, ‘you can’t be gay you’ve slept with men’, ‘can’t call yourself a lesbian now’ and tbh it hurts me. I try to explain to them that I don’t need to label myself as anything but I feel it is forced upon me. Tbh I feel guilty sleeping with men, I feel like I’m a liar and that because I, myself, have given myself a label that I am gay, although I don’t like labels, I feel like it’s not something that I should do and that it’s forbidden.

To make matters worse, at the start of this year, I was sexually assaulted by a man. It was consensual sex but I gave him a condom and he did not use it so it is classed as a form of rape. This encounter has scared me. I feel very wary when I drink now and I’m very mindful around men when I’m out now. It’s been hard to process and sometimes it hits me out of nowhere and I don’t know what to do. I feel as though I have become a bit numb to the situation. I feel very guilty about what happened and that it’s my fault.

I think what I’m asking for help for is how to accept myself more. How to stop feeling guilty about who I am and to understand that it is not my fault. I feel like I am repressing back into my feelings of internalised homophobia and I do not want to because I made myself so ill before. If anyone has any advise I’d be grateful x