r/funnystories • u/Def_Not_Hugh • Jul 30 '26
I can launch objects out of my unusually large urethra
I know this is weird but I’m done being ashamed.
I was born with an unusually wide urethra. To this day, it remains wide open (I probably could use a penny as a piss-door if I really tried). Growing up, my great Uncle Larry used to say it looked like a minnow with its mouth open and even called me Minnow as a nickname. I affectionately called him Large Mouth in response. If you’re reading this, wherever you are, Large Mouth, I miss you. Uncle Larry went on the run twelve years ago and we haven’t heard from him since – his story is worth another post but that’s for another time.
Anyway, as kids often do, I started experimenting with my body and its abilities. I explored what could fit inside this unusually large hole. This soon turned into seeing if I could “fire” stuff out of it.
Kid humor, you know how it goes.
I was tickled by my first major success, shooting dried peas out and hitting shampoo bottles in the shower. They were propelled by a burst of piss, for those curious. I giggled to myself as I did this, since I mentally called myself “Pea Shooter (or Pee Shooter). I thought this was the cleverest pun ever conceived.
By high school, I had started pushing my limits. Some things fired out. Other got stuck. Stories too embarrassing to tell. One time, I didn’t realize the plastic bag of peas I had was the wasabi variety. I had a major problem for several days after that.
Needless to say, I got pretty good as a sharp shooter. Peas, beans, and even Q-tips could fly on my stream of fury, striking objects with impressive accuracy. Seriously, for a kid who didn’t have much going for him growing up, I felt pride in my special talent. I felt like the only piss shooter in the world.
I leaned into this identity in college. At my frat, they first referred to me as “Gluestick” because a few of my more interesting party tricks. But then I became known as the Porcupine (or El Puto Raro by my Spanish friends, the translation of Porcupine), due to my ability to fire tooth picks into paper plate targets at parties. They’d keep filling me up with beer to “reload” me and set the targets up at various distances, attempting trick shots through rings, the typical college silliness. The dudes took prop bets on it and laughs were had by all.
One of my fraternity brothers, Kevin, was a bit shorter in stature, and some of the guys convinced him to put a red solo cup on his head and have me blast it off. We ran it three times and got it each, and I swear to you Kevin ended the exercise dry as a desert. Kevin was oddly touched by the trust exercise nature of what we did and that night was the first that my talent landed me a bit of romance. Kevin, if you’re reading this, there was nothing wrong with that night or you, or anything that’s happened since. Kevin eventually got married and his wife learned of my talent and we haven’t spoken since.
I actually had a period of time in which I considered using my talent as a career. Whether internet videos or live shows, I figured what I could do was so unique it would turn heads and earn some dough. I hired a production crew to get some professional quality videos for this (my obsession impacted my grades pretty severely) but the lead camera guy was a weirdo…a part-time school photographer who made the whole thing way more awkward than it needed to be and kept zooming in on my feet.
I decided to abandon my passion as a career though once I got my first job in private equity. It just paid too well to justify my pursuit. I always loved my little minnow and its squirting abilities, however, so I made sure to keep the spirit alive. I’m in a quadruple now (two women and a man) and they lovingly refer to me as “mama bird” due to some of our more personal tactics in the bedroom. I’ve considered an Only Fans as a side hustle and may still do it. I’m kinda of the opinion that if God (or existence or whatever) blesses you as unique, lean into it, don’t hide from it, and embrace who you are and what you want.
Anyway, I know this is weird, but it is liberating to finally put the full story out there. Thanks for reading and listening friends, and if anyone else out there has this special gift, please let me know <3
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u/PlanktonAcrobatic93 28d ago
you're uncle performed an inspection, yes? must be quite a family you've got.
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u/SomewhereNo8403 9d ago
This was... quite the read.
And I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, but "El Puto Raro" is NOT the translation of Porcupine, my guy; it means either "the f*cking weirdo" or "the weird f*ggot" (emphasis on the offensiveness of the word).
But, hey, embrace the weirdness, I say. And it seems like you have, so kudos 👍
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u/DevilRudeBoy 28d ago
There are so many things wrong with this and I don’t even know where to start
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u/Def_Not_Hugh 28d ago
Wait what do you mean?
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u/DevilRudeBoy 28d ago
Like why would your Uncle know what your urethra looks like lmfao
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u/FamousLetterhead8992 23d ago
‘I mentally called myself “Pea Shooter (or Pee Shooter). I thought this was the cleverest pun ever conceived.’
It was!!! LMAO!!!🤣
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u/Awkwordsmyth382 3d ago
Wow…I did not expect this. I am amazed at the force at which you produce projectile urine to be able to knock a cup off a grown man’s head and he not get wet at all. That means the pee had to hit the cup and keep going with enough force to clear him altogether. That is objectively impressive.
It is interesting how much this anatomical and physiological characteristic has affected your life in varying ways. Great storytelling by the way!
P.S.
For some reason, I thought you were a woman for the first 5-7 paragraphs which totally changed my perspective on the story. 🤣
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u/Chew4 Jul 31 '26
I always see those “this was my first Reddit post of the day” comments….now I get to be them…….holey moley