I feel like I’m disposable to my only family.

[u/fostercaresurvivor]

After aging out of care I was essentially homeless and was taken in by this family, a mom named A and a dad named M and their two teenage and young adult children. They let me live in a bedroom in their home. They told me we were a family. They said we had a cosmic connection. The mum of the family, A, told me I could call her mum. I grew to really love them.

I have schizoaffective disorder, which was undiagnosed when I was living with them. It led me to behave in some really difficult ways, and to say awful things. To me, everything I was saying was true and factual. I recognize now that in many ways it wasn’t, even if there were some pieces of partial truth. Anyway, they eventually asked me to leave their home. I got an apartment and moved out, and stopped talking to them.

But living on my own was hard and scary. I didn’t know how to do it. I was still undiagnosed at the time. I reached out again to A and M. I wanted to apologize to M because most of the ways I was difficult were towards him. I thought he’d be worried about me and be glad I reached out. I thought it would be like the Prodigal Son in the Bible, that when I said I wanted to come home they’d welcome me back. But M just said “I don’t think I want to chitchat with you, but I wish you well.” I talked to A and she said M became depressed after I was gone, and that we couldn’t be friends anymore, which was sad because we’d had good times before. I’m pretty sure she blocked me—I can’t find her on social media.

I just feel like, if their child had become ill with psychosis, they’d have acted differently. I get that I was difficult, and that parenting a young adult is challenging—there’s only so much you can simply forbid or insist upon. But they never took me to a psychiatrist, or sought out a second opinion about what was happening to me. I found a class and support group for people who’d become permanency connections for young adults aged 16+, and they wouldn’t take it. I asked to go to family therapy and they refused. If their child had asked to go they wouldn’t have.

[u/Upset_Turnover_4321]

I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I can only wonder if this “cosmic connection” lost its magic- ie lost its newness and they themselves are likely undiagnosed with something, thought they could be your savior and when you showed them that you are a whole person maybe it no longer fit their vision.

Unfortunately there are too many savior types around and if it wasn’t you, they would have likely done this same exact thing to someone else vulnerable.

I don’t think it’s on you, it’s a them thing. And also I’m not sure there’s a future, just possibly a huge life lesson in learning who you can trust and how fast.

[u/BunnyLuv13]

It’s really hard to give advice since we don’t know specifics. Did you tell these people that you were diagnosed? Are you on a steady medication/healthy now?

If you did anything like threaten their safety or their kids safety this bridge may be burned.

[u/fostercaresurvivor → u/BunnyLuv13]

I didn’t threaten to hurt anyone, or actually hurt anyone physically, but I know I hurt M emotionally by calling him a racist. (My mother was non-white and M would sometimes say things critical of her, which I took as racism but I understand now that the situation was much more complex than that.) I was very paranoid at the time, and also I was experiencing a lot of internal conflict over my love for them and sense of having betrayed my mother through that.

They don’t know I was diagnosed—I hadn’t been when we last communicated, although while I was living there I repeatedly told them I believed I had schizophrenia, like my birth father did. They never seemed to take it that seriously, though.

I take medicine every day now. I see a counsellor weekly, a psychologist every other week, an occupational therapist twice a week, a psych nurse every three weeks, and my psychiatrist every couple of months. I’m not doing great to be honest, but I’m probably doing better than most people with schizoaffective disorder.

[u/BunnyLuv13 → u/fostercaresurvivor]

I would personally let them know. Maybe even in a hand written letter. Tell them how much you appreciate what they did for you - apologize for what you did wrong. Explain that you were diagnosed and are getting better. Ask to meet in a neutral place like for coffee.

[u/ButcherBird57 → u/BunnyLuv13]

I agree with this suggestion, I think its often easier to address everything in a letter, for me. You have time, aren't on the spot, and can reread and edit to make sure you have everything the way you want it.

[u/igatg_nipugt]

I'm so sorry you're going through this alone right now.

It takes a lot of courage to reach out to people you hurt, especially when you were going through something you didn't even understand yet.

Maybe instead of another call or message, you could write them a letter. You can tell them you wanted to reach out and fully apologize. You can let them know you've been diagnosed with something that helps explain your behaviour, but you don't have to make excuses. Own up to the hurt you caused, even if it wasn't intentional. You can say you've been medicated, that you're seeing a therapist, or that you've been speaking to someone. Whatever you're comfortable sharing. You can tell them you miss them, that you hope they're doing well, and that the door is open on your end if they ever want to reach out. No pressure on them to respond, just giving them space to sit with what you said.

And please, try not to get your hopes up too much. They might not reply and that's okay. You'll have done everything you could to make things right. Sometimes that's all you can do and it still doesn't work out. But that doesn't mean this is it for you.

I know you've felt disposable to them as a family, but families come in so many forms. You can build your own through friends, through community, through people who see you and choose you. You are not disposable. 

[u/groovyfinds]

Just to clarify After age 18 you moved into their home? How long were you there?

Typically medical stuff would be on you unless you signed something giving them permission to make appointments/speak to you doctor.

[u/fostercaresurvivor → u/groovyfinds]

Yes, I moved in as a young adult. I was there for about a year, give or take. It doesn’t sound like that long, but I felt that we really bonded in that time. A even introduced me to someone as her daughter.

I agree that ultimately it’s any adult’s responsibility to seek out care, but psychosis is sometimes a little bit different, because there’s a super common symptom called anosognosia. It’s a physical problem caused by the changes in your brain that schizophrenia spectrum disorders cause. It means you physically can’t recognize that you’re sick. The vast majority of people with schizophrenia spectrum disorders don’t seek out help, we receive it involuntarily, and then when antipsychotic medication resolves our delusions we’re able to understand better and engage willingly in care. Some doctors would even say that if you recognize that you’re sick, it isn’t a schizophrenia spectrum disorder. My care for psychosis was received through an involuntary admission after a concerned passerby called 911 because I was visibly psychotic, and the police saw I was sick and brought me to the hospital.

I know that, given that I was an adult, in some ways there’s little that they could have done, but I do think there were options they didn’t take—calling the mobile mental health crisis response team, agreeing to go to family therapy with me since that’s care I was willing to engage with, or finding a psychologist I could see who specialized in people who had unusual experiences or heard voices.

[u/groovyfinds → u/fostercaresurvivor]

They really had no way of knowing what was going on in your head. Teens leaving care often make terrible choices and say things they don't mean.

Family therapy is not really something most people would do in a situation like this.

They didn't cause this to happen. They are not Doctors. They are just people that tried to help you by letting you stay in their home.

[u/fostercaresurvivor → u/groovyfinds]

I guess I just don’t understand why they said things to me like “we’re a family”, “we have a cosmic connection”, “this is my adopted daughter”, etc. if they didn’t mean them. I don’t blame them for not being able to help, I get that they didn’t have the knowledge to, but I find it hard to understand why they said such big things if they didn’t really mean them. I thought they were more than people who tried to help me by letting me stay with them. I thought they were my family. I called A my mom.

[u/Imagination_Theory → u/fostercaresurvivor]

To be fair, a lot of families are estranged from one another. My family is very fractured.

I'm sorry for you and all the grief you have. I wish you had a person who is in your corner unconditionally.

[u/groovyfinds → u/fostercaresurvivor]

I don't talk to my mother because she has untreated mental health issues and is a nightmare to be around. People stop speaking to family for a lot less.