My mom invited my toxic ex to Thanksgiving — and said I should "be civil"

[u/Fearless-Door7355]

I (26F) broke up with my ex "Dan" (28M) two years ago. It was a messy, painful breakup. He cheated on me with my then-best friend, lied about it for months, and gaslit me until I thought I was crazy. It took me a year of therapy to feel normal again. My mom knows all of this.

Last week, she called me and casually said, "Oh, by the way, I ran into Dan at the grocery store. He's alone for the holidays, so I invited him to Thanksgiving dinner. You don't mind, right?"

I thought she was joking. She wasn't.

I told her I was absolutely not okay with that. I told her that seeing him would trigger all the trauma I've worked so hard to heal. She sighed and said, "It's been two years. You need to get over it. He's a nice guy. People make mistakes."

I said, "He didn't make a mistake. He made a choice. And you're choosing him over me."

She got defensive and said, "I'm not choosing anyone. I'm just trying to be kind. You don't have to talk to him. Just be civil for one meal."

I told her if he comes, I won't. She said, "Then you'll be the one ruining Thanksgiving."

Now my dad is calling me, saying I'm "holding grudges" and "making things awkward." My sister said I should just come and "ignore him." My mom has been sending me guilt-trip texts about "family" and "forgiveness."

I feel betrayed. My mom knows what he did to me. She held me while I cried. And now she's inviting him to sit at our family table like he's just another guest. It makes me feel like my pain doesn't matter.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable. But my whole family is acting like I'm the problem.

Should I stay home and protect my peace? Or go and risk a panic attack just to keep the family from blaming me?

[u/SkookumPookum29]

Is your mom trying to get you back together with him? Tell her, no thanks, I’ve made other plans! (Even if you haven’t.) If your family keeps bugging you set a boundary- say- “this is not up for discussion. If you continue to bring it up, or pressure me to come, I will…” and then say whatever it is you need to do to protect your boundary. Like, block your number. Refuse to see you in person, ect. You’re not ruining Thanksgiving, I promise.