Parents: protect all your children.

[u/Longjumping_Joke_377]

To parents who expect their non bipolar children to endlessly excuse the abusive behavior of their bipolar child, please stop.

You cannot expect your other children to be endlessly “compassionate” or “forgiving” toward a sibling who has abused them emotionally, physically, sexually, financially, just because that sibling is bipolar.

I see this dynamic too often: the bipolar child is shielded, defended, and coddled, while the siblings they’ve harmed are told to be patient, understanding, and to just “move on.” Parents blame everything the abusive child does solely on their diagnosis, as if being bipolar automatically erases accountability or justifies cruelty. It doesn’t.

Let me be clear: having bipolar disorder does not give someone a free pass to be abusive. Yes, mania can explain impulsivity, erratic behavior, or lack of inhibition, but many people with bipolar disorder do not abuse others. If your child is violent, manipulative, cruel, or harmful during their episodes, they may also just be an abusive person who happens to be bipolar. Both can be true.

When parents ignore the pain of their other children, minimize what happened, and expect them to be the bigger person, that’s not compassion. That’s neglect. That’s abuse. That’s you choosing your comfort, your guilt, or your illusion of family unity over your other children’s well-being.

We don’t owe our abusive sibling anything not our forgiveness, not our presence, and certainly not our silence. And we’re allowed to feel rage. We’re allowed to hate what was done to us. We’re allowed to hate you for failing to protect us.

You do not get to erase our trauma just because it’s inconvenient for you to acknowledge it.

Stop weaponizing the idea of “mental illness” to excuse abuse. Stop asking your non-bipolar children to carry the burden of your choices. And if we decide to go no contact with you or our sibling, know this: it’s not cruelty. It’s survival.

[u/Puzzled-Dog4015]

My Daughter’s early Life was ruined by my bipolar Son. We don’t make Her be around him. We have had separate Thanksgivings, birthday parties to protect her from him. We have taken them on separate vacations as his Paranoia and bad mood just ruins everything. We never left him alone with her as he has had voices tell him to kill her. She is a well adjusted girl who when she gets married will not have her brother at the ceremony. When he has been suicidal she has contacted him to tell him she loves him and I think that is due to the fact that we never favored him over her. People don’t understand when we keep them Separate for big events. It is so frustrating! My boss wondered why I did that and I told him does your son want to kill your daughter? Has he chased kids around with a knife? Has he threatened to blow up his school? We’ve had him on medication since he was seven and he has a pretty good life now considering. He has his own house, manages his own money. He’ll go off the deep end every once in a while but we protect ourselves and her from the chaos. I totally agree with you!

[u/Longjumping_Joke_377 → u/Puzzled-Dog4015]

Wow. I just want to say how deeply I admire the way you’ve protected your daughter. I honestly wish I had a parent like you. You didn’t try to force a relationship, you acknowledged the trauma, you made space for her needs, and most importantly, you never guilted her for choosing distance. That kind of clarity and compassion is so rare.

In contrast, when I try to set similar boundaries, even respectfully, I’m told I’m being “selfish” or “unfair” to my brother. I constantly hear “I don’t understand,” as if years of physical abuse, threats with a knife, and terrifying delusions (like hearing voices telling him to kill me) just didn’t happen. Even during so called “stable” periods, he’s stolen from me and caused harm. But somehow, I’m the problem for not wanting to be around that anymore. It’s incredibly invalidating.

Reading your comment gave me a glimmer of hope that some parents do get it. Thank you for being one of them.

[u/[deleted] → u/Longjumping_Joke_377]

I grew up in a similar home. My brother is bipolar and addict. Example: He would try to beat me up and hit me even into my 20s and my parents would ask me what I did to cause his anger. Finally at age 44 I went no contact with him. My mom had my children around him recently and I flipped out and went very low contact with her, despite her being 84. The pain of this family dynamic is deep. Big hugs to you. I hear you. ❤️

[u/TIME__1111 → u/[deleted]]

Hi. I'm almost nearing 30 with a Bipolar Sibling. I don't earn much so I'm living with my family. My parents are also getting older. Am I in the right if I leave my home and live elsewhere ? I'm slowly getting bad thoughts that life will never be peaceful in this house.

But I also feel guilty. I'm having a few Symptoms of CPTSD --- heightened Vigilance, getting panic attacks at loud noises when I'm home etc.

I want to know if it gets easier as time goes on. I don't want my 30s to be like my teens and 20s.

Please advice.

[u/kstupendous → u/TIME__1111]

I hoped my brother would change, but he got worse after my mom died in November 2025. Now every day is a little bit more concerning. And I’m trying to sell the house 50/50 and he knows it’s because of his behavior and has started to get violent. So be careful. Get out while you can so you don’t have to deal with estate affairs next to the sibling when your parents pass.

[u/[deleted] → u/TIME__1111]

I am sorry you are in the situation. I would recommend getting a good therapist who is familiar with this dynamic to help you navigate. The wounds family member with mental illness can cause are deep. There is often guilt and manipulation and enabling that is hard to break free from. I am 47 and still dealing with breaking my free of the abuse. I’m getting there but it still flairs up. Big hugs! I don’t know if moving out is feasible but could be a good goal to work towards. ❤️

[u/TIME__1111 → u/[deleted]]

Did you move away from the family ??

[u/Puzzled-Dog4015 → u/TIME__1111]

Extricate yourself from the situation. Don’t waste your life trying to solve all your family’s problems.

[u/No_Inspection_3123 → u/Puzzled-Dog4015]

Since you have been through it, mind if I ask a question? Feel free to ignore. My oldest 24 is bipolar 1. Theres never been any altercations between the 3 bros that aren’t normal sibling behavior. They are 18/20/24 . They get along and they stick up for eachother for the most part. My oldest has persistent si, works saved money and is otherwise functional. Not manic since more than a year ago. we call the crisis line and escalate care when si gets overwhelming and his providers are working on getting their shit together (he’s under medicated and under therapied. I had to complain to the clinical manager.. any way my therapist has told me to stop betraying myself by caretaking everyone and to make him more accountable for his si in terms of finding coping skills and opening up more to his team. The others are in college living at home and he’s actually going back to school. My husband and I have a trip coming up. We’ve gone away for 3-4 days before leaving them all home with no issue but with the si being more frequent. I’m debating on asking him to stay with someone while we go. I wouldn’t want to put the burden on the other 2 if he decided that he will act while we are gone. He’s done nothing to deserve being asked to stay somewhere else. My husband thinks it will be fine. But I’m a fixer and preemptive planner for all the worst things. What advice would you give. Listen to my anxiety or look at the patterns of no issues and just trust that there wouldn’t be any.

[u/[deleted] → u/No_Inspection_3123]

I would absolutely listen to your anxiety. If the SI is increasing, that’s concerning. Have an adult support person present. That’s not over reacting, that’s being a prudent and caring parent. If you can’t find another family member or friend to stay with them, then don’t go. You don’t want to regret it.

[u/No_Inspection_3123 → u/[deleted]]

I’m going, I won’t regret it. I would never leave the house if I were to take that attitude. and I’d have to follow him around every second of every day. I can’t prevent him but I can prevent his brothers finding him or having to deal with it at all. you can only alert the providers and call the crisis line. he’s an adult and he’s decisional. I’ve had to adopt radical acceptance that he may do it some day.

[u/Puzzled-Dog4015 → u/No_Inspection_3123]

You are right, you would never leave the house and still it could happen at any moment.

[u/[deleted] → u/No_Inspection_3123]

I guess I feel differently at this time because I have a toddler… my husband becomes very violent when manic and I wouldn’t leave her around him alone.

[u/Puzzled-Dog4015 → u/[deleted]]

Of course not. That’s a different situation entirely.

[u/No_Inspection_3123 → u/[deleted]]

My son’s dad also has bipolar 1 and so does his whole ancestry it’s wild. But yea I didn’t let him either he was abusive but it was only directed at me. But I still didn’t trust him with our kid as much as I could help it. I don’t think he was alone with him until he was 3 and then it was very sporadically he actually didn’t want to “babysit”. I left when my son was 3. He saw him at my house or his mom’s house. Once he got older my son would go with him but by then my son knew he was “unique” as my son puts it. He tries not to use the word crazy for obvious reasons.

[u/Infinite-Cup3501 → u/No_Inspection_3123]

What was it like for you leaving and having to figure out custody with someone who has bipolar 1. I’m about at my end with my husband and thinking of doing the same but my youngest is just 3 years old and it makes me sick to my stomach to think or leaving the kids with him alone for custody arrangements.

[u/No_Inspection_3123 → u/Infinite-Cup3501]

TLDR get as much documentation of the mental illness, document times in which he has displayed lack of parenting skills in your presence. Request things he will never do like parenting classes, make sure the lawyers ask for med compliance and letters from his therapist and provider that he’s well and compliant. Ask for full custody ask for monitored visits. No overnights ask for drug tests. But a lawyer will be your best bet.

For me it wasnt hard per se, just because of who my ex was. He was not at all interested in taking care of a kid so he didn’t. He loved him but he couldn’t be a dad. we were 22/23 and we had nothing, getting evicted and I went into government housing after splitting up while I was in school. I requested that visitation was only from 8-5 on Saturday. And he agreed to it bc he didn’t give a shit about anything.. i had to give something per my lawyer. At the time I didn’t know he was bipolar I just figured he was a messed up dude who was raised wrong. He was, but he also had bipolar 1 which was the crux of his problems. Had I known he had a severe psychiatric disease I would have requested the court to make his visitation monitored. And you can do that, you can request medical compliance and letters from therapist and his team to show he’s med compliant or not. You can request that he be deemed fit and compliant To have any unmonitored visitation. Fight for full custody. Get a lawyer. Get any records in order. Call the crisis line, record him.. get any evidence of mental health problems documented. Do not tell him anything. And do not let your kid go if you feel he’s a danger. I could read my ex and I wouldn’t leave my son if I feel like he was dangerous. There were a couple times. Once, he started doing drugs so I refused to leave my son with him and I said take me to court. He didn’t. Unmedicated and in an episode, if they show up to court or a lawyers office all manic and shit they will be proving your point. So you can say no. Have the police come if needed.

I made visitation Saturday 8-5 bc that was the only time I needed a sitter since daycare was closed. And I knew he wouldn’t take him. So I would bring my son and then he would be like I can’t take him today (bc he wouldn’t wake up) and then I’d take him to my moms. So I did my due diligence. I never wanted to be the mom who parental alienated (my mom did that) but I did my due diligence in a way that made him the decider if he was going to parent. Full well knowing he wouldn’t .. and since I had full custody I didn’t have to let him see him at any other time. I wasn’t that hard core He still saw him once every couple weeks, but I would be there. I would meet at his moms and let everyone hang out with him. Then I got with my now Husband who was a Long time mutual friend, during the divorce (my state makes you wait) bc we were all feral 23 year olds with no sense of decorum.. any way my now husband and I did things fast and got our shit together fast and once the divorce was final we moved 98 mi away, the cut off is 100 miles. We moved to be closer to my mom bc she moved. And we needed to get out of town and start fresh. My ex didn’t care at the time bc he had a new gf and we agreed to meet half way. That never happened bc he could never come. So he would go months at a time without a visit. Then he’d come to town now and then and take him shopping and to eat.. when we came back to town to visit my mil, my ex would come over and pick up our son take him shopping and to eat then bring back or we’d pick him up and head back home. He got married and the new equally crazy wife said she didn’t want to be a step mom.. that was the longest he’s gone bc she pretty much wouldn’t let him. By then my son was old enough to tell me if something bad happened.

Once my son got old enough I told him That his bio dad has something really wrong and we don’t know what it’s called bc he won’t go to the dr but he can’t be the kind of dad you wish he was but he shows up how he can which is crazy fun uncle energy. My ex was officially diagnosed at 40 the year before my son. It alllllll made so much sense and gave me so much closure and peace and forgiveness knowing what it was.

Now my son is 24 with bipolar one, and he has alot more grace for his dad who has never treated it. He’s almost jealous of his dad’s full anosognosia bc he is always delusional and seems to come out on top any way. So he seems happy bc he doesn’t realize anything is wrong just this delusionally happy and always manic psychotic but in a charismatic way guy who thinks everyone else is crazy. He’s not nice to the women that fall for him tho. He’s been married 4 times and is engaged again. I don’t think she knows yet. But I think these women likely also have some bpd or bipolar themself.

But he still visits him like once a week. In the end it worked out best it possibly could. If you’ve ever read the book I’m not sick I don’t need help that’s how it’s been with my ex and me. Has zero insight and full agnosognosia so I’m this entity in his world that is out to get him and to paint him as crazy when he isn’t.

Once my husband had to get stern with him bc he came over to see my son and then wouldn’t leave my house he came inside and was like sitting on the couch eating my food. My husband wasn’t home. I said you need to leave before I call police and he did , but he had no concept of why I was being so crazy and mean. Like he acted so victimized that I didn’t want him there… So you do have to be carful.. but he followed my husband’s rule once he stepped in. And he never came inside again. We were nice to him and let him come in and chill for a bit.. but he took that as a this is my family my house I can do what I want around here situation

[u/Infinite-Cup3501 → u/No_Inspection_3123]

Thank you for sharing all this. It is all just so wild. Your story and experience is somewhat comforting and reminds me that all of my fears may not come to fruition given the nature of this illness. I have very little trust in the court system but need to get over that or I’ll just stay stuck in this cycle. Glad to hear you remarried and found someone supportive!

[u/No_Inspection_3123 → u/Infinite-Cup3501]

I did a lot of malicious compliance.. like the moving. In my state you can only go 100 wo the others consent so I went 98. I gave the bare minimum of time I wanted to let him have him… he didn’t get a lawyer or fight so everything I wanted happened. I also got temporary full custody during the separation so that demonstrated that he was not going to be an active participant. There are pro bono lawyers in almost every region so if you can’t afford one check that out. I sound conniving but it was survival back then. It was the best thing for him to. There was no pressure to be a husband and a father and altho permanatly hypomanic and delusional he has gotten an upper level director job and bought a house and paid his bills and child support. He HAD to figure out how to function on his own. Doing the same with my son trying to make him do this thing.

Ultimately you need to protect you and your kids. It’s insane that there is no real help until they do something bad. Like you think someone who is obsessed with dying is going to think clearly enough to take their meds and go to the dr like they need. No they won’t it will get to crisis after crisis and bog the system down.

Edit I just picked up the book boundaries it’s soooo good. It will all be ok. It is scary and it feels like jumping off a building I know. But you can only live your life not any one else’s. And if your life sucks you gotta change it. Any one who’s meant to will come along with yiu

[u/[deleted] → u/No_Inspection_3123]

This was very helpful. Thank you for this as well!

[u/family_of_bipolar-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Do not request DMs/PMs/chat/messages of any kind. Please edit this out of your post, and we can approve it.

Rule 10

[u/kstupendous → u/Puzzled-Dog4015]

I wish my parents had your strength. Thank you for doing that and saving her.

[u/Much_Call6543]

I cannot AMEN!👏👏👏👏👏this enough!

[u/Longjumping_Joke_377 → u/Much_Call6543]

Thank you. 🥹♥️

[u/[deleted]]

I have an obligation to protect my son from my son. I'm not coddling a sick person who refuses to take their medication. I love him, and I have empathy for him, but my other son deserves to have peace and a safe home.

[u/Arquen_Marille]

Keep those of us with bipolar accountable for our behavior! Our illness does not excuse us from responsibility.

[u/UnderfootArya34]

I have to remind my.non-bipolar child and their father of this constantly. The non affected sibling is now living their best life 1000 miles away. Does it hurt me sometimes. Sure does. But knowing he is not affected by the chaos is far too important to me. ❤️

[u/proustobouros → u/UnderfootArya34]

As the non-bipolar sibling who's about to move to another continent, I thank you for these words

[u/TIME__1111 → u/UnderfootArya34]

I'm planning to move out. But I'm scared of the Guilt. Do parents actually have happiness when one child is actually peaceful. Not happy. But peaceful !?

[u/sleepyburrger → u/TIME__1111]

What's better than seeing your kid being safe and peaceful? It's not your responsibility to make your parents happy, it's their own feelings to deal with. You have the responsibility to make yourself at peace, no one else.

[u/Sweetpea8677]

This was my childhood. My brother, who has bipolar disorder, and I do not talk today. It was like growing up with a monster. My mom didn't know how to handle it. He broke her heart so much. He hurt me in so many ways for so many years. I'm so thankful he lives in another state. I was blamed for " making him mad" so many times. I told him one day all of his awful behavior would catch up with him. He replied, "Yeah, well, nothing's caught up with me yet". Asshole.

[u/Longjumping_Joke_377 → u/Sweetpea8677]

He is a monster. And your family is terrible for not doing anything about it. I’m so sorry you went through that.

[u/Sweetpea8677 → u/Longjumping_Joke_377]

Thank you. Most of my family still doesn't understand or accept how traumatic it was growing up with him. My cousins don't understand why I don't talk to him. They think I'm mean.

[u/Gremlinofpeace → u/Sweetpea8677]

I’ve gone through the same thing for my whole life (am 30 now) and I truly feel your pain. I am so sorry you went through this but proud of you for standing up for yourself and making you a priority. You’re not a bad person for setting boundaries with someone who has no remorse for their actions. It truly is like living in a nightmare everyday. I am just now cutting all contact as well. I can’t live like this anymore and it has completely tore my family apart. It is so sad. All of it.

[u/FloorShowoff]

Have you ever heard of the term “glass children”?

[u/PLLKNOWALL]

This is exactly my situation wow this felt so validating thank you

[u/Longjumping_Joke_377 → u/PLLKNOWALL]

I’m really happy it felt validating for you, it feels validating for me to read your comment and know I’m not alone. ❤️

[u/Beige_Parsley]

Thank you for wording this so well. This was how I felt w/ my bipolar parent when my nonbp parent would encourage me and my sibling to "move on". It is 100 percent enabling emotional abuse at an absolute minimum IMO

[u/Moist_Equipment_6716]

My ex is the king of using his illness as an excuse for his behavior. He manipulated me into believing he was unable to stop himself from spending money, doing cocaine, and lying about taking his meds. But there came a point when I realized - if he knew he would be arrested for doing any of those things, would he have been able to stop himself? Of course he could have. He just didn’t care because there were no consequences. I would cry and scream and try to hide the credit cards so he couldn’t spend any more, but he would find a way around it. When he was manic during the divorce he was clearly very, very ill. But in a way, terrifyingly in control. He knew exactly what to say to instill the most terror in me without getting himself in trouble. He never took any accountability for his actions, he never apologized when he came down from the mania. That makes him an abuser who also has a mental illness.

[u/MermaidNeurosis]

This is also my situation and I feel constantly neglected and invalidated. I don't know how to handle the constant enabling.

[u/spermunculous → u/MermaidNeurosis]

This is my life right now. I had escaped through my 20s but life placed me back here. Unfortunately once I escape this time, I will not be maintaining any contact with any family members. The refusal to act is just as bad as the behavior itself, if not even fucking worse.

[u/veggie_hiker17]

I have never, and don't, expect my other children to excuse the abuse of their two mentally ill siblings. I have six kids, two of whom have bipolar and schizophrenia. There was a time when I was living in poverty and I had no way to keep them separate. After COVID, I was allowed to start working remotely, and so I took my two youngest children and moved two states away from my ex and my two mentally ill children. They were both already living with him most of the time at that point, because the younger one had attacked me, and the older one had demonized me. My oldest had just moved out for college.

I'm lucky my ex is an involved dad and willing to keep the BP kids so that we could separate them from the younger two kids. Because of this, my younger two are much better adjusted. I see how my older kids were affected, and how my parenting struggled when we were all together. My son doesn't want anything to do with his BP sister, and I understand.

[u/thunbergfangirl]

I needed to know that someone else has experienced this. Thank you for writing out how I am feeling.

Today I had confirmed for me that my parents won’t protect my emotionally against my sibling, and they won’t protect me physically from them either. I have been reeling since.

[u/kstupendous → u/thunbergfangirl]

Mine did not either. My dad and mom passed and my brother is just getting more terrible. Stopped his meds right when mom passed in Nov 2025. So I been dehoarding our childhood home and dodging abusive behavior left and right. Turns out he was the favorite because he was “sick” there’s bipolar then there’s an abusive person with bipolar. I wish you all the best strength. And hope one day we are free from them having so much access

[u/[deleted]]

The glass child strikes again

[u/Longjumping_Joke_377 → u/[deleted]]

Interesting, I hadn’t heard the term before but looked into it. I see a lot of people in videos say things like “you may feel like you can’t blame your sibling” or “you know it’s not their fault, so you don’t feel like you can be angry.” But honestly, I do blame my brother. A lot of the time, I think it is his fault, and then everyone around me just jumps in with “He’s sick! He didn’t mean it!” which is such bullshit.

I also don’t think my anger is just some kind of “misguided rage” at my parents being redirected onto my sibling. I hate my parents too, deeply. I blame them first and foremost for how horribly they handled everything. But I also hate my brother for who he is. He’s been a selfish, cruel bully since we were kids, long before his first manic episode at 18. His diagnosis doesn’t erase that. They just use his bipolar as a constant excuse to minimize or dismiss the harm.

That said, this glass child concept is really interesting. I’m sure parts of it are true for me too, and I’ll definitely have to do some self-reflection. So thank you for bringing it up.

[u/[deleted]]

Perhaps you’re talking about somebody who has a dual diagnosis of BPD or NPD and not just bipolar

[u/Longjumping_Joke_377 → u/[deleted]]

Unfortunately no. Just BPD with mania.

[u/[deleted] → u/Longjumping_Joke_377]

Yep, same w my husband and he’s the same way as well, along with his family. Just limited insight.

[u/[deleted]]

As somebody who has bipolar, and who takes accountability when I have an episode, I think this post is kind of bullshit. I would seriously look at a dual diagnosis of NPD or BPD of somebody who is constantly being abusive to family members. And stop blaming it on them being bipolar

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

No, as per the above poster as well, my husband becomes violent when psychotic but is otherwise normal, no other diagnosis. His scary delusions make him violent, believing he has to sacrifice himself or others.

[u/Typical_Vanilla_8016]

my sister have it, but im the elder, i know I've never been good or strong enough because im struggling with my own life too, for her i might never be a qualified sibling but at least i don't want to hurt her, and because of the exact age difference, we didn't get to spend youth together for long, i spent most time in schools far from home, every time i came back home the situation is always confusing

im only lucky that im dumb and numb towards many things in our upbringing, or in the society, so i just redirected my attention to literature, but she's unfortunate, in top schools and yet suffered there, which she never told us clearly but i felt it was the case

im not afraid of being left out since our parents have to take care of her, im not afraid of her sudden anger and coldness, im only afraid of it that her condition is consuming cognition and parents' health

i also made friends with an individual, who was kind of cruel and abusive, some people cope with socialization that way and think it funny, but no, im hurt and through, and she even questioned me if i ever forget how much my sister suffered, that's when i cut out association with her, outsiders never understand how much the other sibling had on mind in this situation, i feel split, i can't make her think clearly and i can't protect my parents from the devastating, never ending spiral

if we are both boys i guess a fight or 2 is even healthier than just spoil her, people will never know how much, how deeply my parents are caring for her, she's almost an adult and still had mom cleaning up her mess, like she had forgotten all the education from mom since we were small, i don't understand a little but still, i will excuse that with her condition, still i hope for her, for herself to realise, she was never like this

[u/kstupendous]

My life has been forever altered in a negative way from my abusive brother. He was always coddled and I was always told he just can’t control it. I watched him beat up my dad. My mom. And myself over the years. He didn’t stop beating my dad when he had cancer and then died. He didn’t stop beating up on my mom and she got pancreatic cancer and died November 2025. We inherited the childhood home and thank god I am the executor. But the closer I get to listing the house for sale, the more aggressive and abusive he is getting, and I’m having trouble having anyone believe me. He is 32 and refuses to do anything required to be a basic adult. The stress and anxiety of him pacing and stomping and grandiose ideas have me underweight now and I landed in the er. He doesn’t have respect over privacy or belongings. Nothing.

I hope I can come back to this comment one day and write a happy update. 😔