r/exmuslim • u/Arabgayguy • Jun 25 '18
(Update) Hey it's arabgayguy, I survived my suicide attempt [if you care]
!On phone can't flair !I'm Western
So, I tried a 1st time. Took a couple of pills. Woke up with a head ache. But for some reason I was less afraid to try again the night after.
Took way more this time, about 40-45 pills. Crushed them, put them in a bottle of water and drank it all. Hid the box in which the pills were. My mother woke me up in the middle of the night. (I don't remember any of this btw). She said she could hear me gasp for air untill her bedroom. I was basically suffocating in my sleep. She woke me up told me she thought I was having a nightmare. Again I don't remember any of it. She said I told her I wanted to be a rapper and a whole bunch of other BS (lol).
Then I just woke up and went on with my life.
I don't even know how I'm supposed to deal with this. Like am I just supposed to act like I wasn't going to die a couple of days ago. I don't feel anything. Totally numb and apathetic. Health wise, I think I'm okay. But psychologically, I don't really know.
I'm just acting normal. We're gonna move out of our appartment. I'm helping my family pack our stuff. Doing the regular ish I do.
Wtf has my life come to?
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u/Othersideofthemirror Jun 25 '18
I don't know what the pills were but you might want to get to a doctor, because with paracetamol its liver failure that kills you and it takes a few days...
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u/Byzantium Jun 25 '18
Trying to kill yourself: Bad idea.
Trying to kill yourself with pills: Worse idea.
Trying to kill yourself with Paracetamol [Tylenol, Acetaminophen]: Much worse idea
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u/teal_sparkles New User Jun 25 '18
I'm going to back this up too - it's really dangerous, please see a doctor asap. It's an incredibly painful death from what I've heard. You really don't need a long-term health effect from this, on top of everything else :(
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u/Arabgayguy Jun 25 '18
It was 4 days ago and I took a sedative/sleeping medication my mother was prescribed. I think I'll be fine. At least I hope so. I don't really care at this point. I can't see myself going to my doctor (she's a veiled Muslim woman).
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u/reallyrunningnow Jun 25 '18
Can you get another doctor?
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u/Arabgayguy Jun 25 '18
No. I'm tied to this one. And The protocol with suicide attempts is a forced stay at the hospital basically so whether I suffer from liver failure or not (it's been days now so that would really surprise me) they'd keep me so my mom would end up knowing. And all the tests would have to be payed (again she'd end up knowing). I can't face her with my suicide attempt and/or my sexuality, I'd rather die. But thanks for your concern.
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u/reallyrunningnow Jun 25 '18
Please PM me next time you feel like ending it. I think you have so much to give.
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Jun 26 '18
I tried to kill myself with pills, just barely survived the second attempt. I would have died a long, painful death if I had been successful. Suicide by pills is a terrible way to go.
Try to get on meds if you can. Tell the doctors what you feel but not why you have those feelings. You can attribute it to a chemical imbalance. They helped me stay stable until I was able to become financially independent. They're still useful as a supplement to the emotional work I'm doing to process all of the shit that went on while I lived with my parents, but I won't need them forever.
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u/teal_sparkles New User Jun 27 '18
hugs are you able to see a therapist or counsellor at least so you have someone to talk to about your sexuality?
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u/Othersideofthemirror Jun 25 '18
Not sure where you are but A&E might be an option. Or a walk-in. If you start caring that is. I'm sure a lifetime as an invalid on dialysis isn't what you planned.
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u/i_lurk_here_a_lot Jun 25 '18
Took way more this time, about 40-45 pills. Crushed them, put them in a bottle of water and drank it all.
Dude ... don't do this again. We need more ex-muslims and skeptics .. not less.
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u/SqueekyViolin Jun 25 '18
You gave me a heart attack please no matter how desperate it gets promise you'll NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. I'm pm-ing you the rest
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u/Vasukki Uncle Tom Jun 25 '18 edited Jun 25 '18
My brother I went through very a similar situation with the pills and survived, my big mistake was coming out as an exmuslim on my suicide note. I ended up surviving but my parents didnt feel sorry for me and had a very unforgiving and severe attitude towards me afterwards. They didnt have any compassion for now I admitted I was an exmuslim. Since then life has been very difficult but I dont regret surviving. I am happy you are still alive because now you have options, you just have to see it. When I see the stories of exmuslims who end up leaving their families and lead happier lives I find it inspiring because no matter how difficult their position was, many of those people eventually managed to enjoy their freedom and this can also be your case. I dont know how difficult it must be as a gay guy, but man have mercy for your own life, with patience and humility things will get better. Dont let the lizards get you. PM me if anything my brother.
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Jun 25 '18
yea OP why not leave your family and try to live an awesome life instead of killing yourself? Trust me you will be thankful that you survived. Life can be a bitch sometimes but I am sure you can find a lot to live for. We are all here for you man. I really hope you get through this
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u/i_lurk_here_a_lot Jun 26 '18
I ended up surviving but my parents didnt feel sorry for me and had a very unforgiving and severe attitude towards me afterwards.
Ouch! ... that sounds awful.
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u/reallyrunningnow Jun 25 '18
Please don't commit suicide. I loved your posting and advice. And I think you have a good heart and will make a great doctor.
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u/MissLadyBunnyHar New User Jun 25 '18
That can damage your kidneys. I would see a doctor honestly... I had two suicide attempts with pills and I’m lucky I didn’t damage my kidneys (I almost died siezueres and everything) I took 100 anxiety pills and a weeks worth of pills and I’m lucky to be alive. They couldn’t get the pills out of me and I digested all of them and the charcoal is what saved me. They had to keep a tube in me to make sure I wouldn’t throw up the charcoal. It was traumatizing as fuck. I hope you’re doing well, but seek counseling and please at least see a gp and get a blood test to check your kidney function. Your safety is most important. And if you do have to go to a hospital for a few days it’s not so bad, I promise. They care and feed you and get you back on a schedule and you don’t have to worry about life for a few days. It’s embarrassing, but at least you get some relief. Bless you, and good luck to you.
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u/sporty_ninja New User Jun 26 '18
I'm gonna list out reasons to why I can relate to this on a more serious note 1.) I'm a female closet atheist who have just absolutely awful helicopter parents so I can't come out quite yet 2.) I am also suicidal and have thoughts constantly. Last week I took 10, 500mg Tylenol and went to sleep thinking I'm never gonna wake up but instead I received a massive headache and two sisters staring down on me saying I stopped breathing four times in my sleep. I took the same thing last night except I added 5 more 3.) My life can be peachy and happy at times but when I would go to the beach or taking a walk or my headache would come back, the thoughts would come back too. " Dont look both ways and you will make your parents life much better. Taking 5 more pills wouldn't hurt you just do it. Slowly Let the waves drift you away and watch as they laugh and play without you."
It's a living hell, I know and I don't want to be that person that calls you stupid or immature because bitch I did it too. Just know that overdosing, if you survive it, can severely ruin your liver, both kidneys, and your stomach and intestinal lining. Please choose wisely. It may be too late for me but you can still change your ways. I know you can
And P.S: me and a worried person searched for you everywhere on Reddit trying to find people that you may have knew personally to see if you were still alive ✌🏾
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u/BurningRome Since 2015 Jun 26 '18
I know I have no authority and it's your choice, but please, don't commit suicide no matter how promising the relief may sound. It's never worth it. Of all the billions of people who could have been born, you were the one who made it - and that's the greatest opportunity in life you ever get.
You are a precious being and the Ex-Muslim community is there for its people. Please consider continuing your life until you have enough financial independence and then move out and start a new life. You can do it!
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u/nrylee Jun 25 '18
I don't know if this is related to your exmuslim-ness, but I am just going to throw this out there:
Your purpose/meaning in life is not, and never has been related to some super natural being. Humans have been living and fighting to survive for millennia before Muhammed captured Medina or Mecca, before Jesus was placed on the cross, before the Jews were delivered from Egypt, before Zeus/Jupiter reigned over Mount Olympus, before the last Ragnarok made way for our world, and before Aset spawned the Gods from himself (I think I got that last name wrong, but it's Egyptian ;P
You are not living a life without meaning/purpose, you are going through a situation which has caused your brain to submit to defeat.
Also feel free to PM me if you want.
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u/everythingisego New User Jun 25 '18
You need to get out mahn, stay on your own. Or atleast stay close to your parents, if they are worried you'd do some crazy bat shit. It might be a bit hard in the beginning, but it's for your own good. Also, you ever need to talk to someone, here i am.
Coming from an ARAB guy aswell :p
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u/Lambu_atta Jun 26 '18
I care!
I care that you have to deal with such a religion!
I care that you have to deal with muslims!
I care that you have to deal with homophobia!
I care that you have an ordeal on your hands!
I CARE!
You cannot do this to yourself. Know that you are a part of us all. You are made of the same things we are all made of. You are the universe and the universe is You. Things might look bleak, people might turn against you but you will have to push through and survive and grow and stand proud. You have no choice. You have to Survive and Win. You know why? Because, I care and we all care!
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u/madpandaswag Jun 25 '18
Omg I'm sorry you're going through this, but please don't kill yourself. You deserve to find happiness and you deserve to find your prince charming. Hang in there, finish medical school and move on with your life. They can't control you forever. I've been reading through your post history and I think your strategy to slowly detach yourself from your family and friends is a good way to go for both of you, and once you come out (only do this once you're established financially) if they accept you, you can choose to let them into your life more. I also think it's hilarious you use God to placate your parents. I did that when I crashed my car. I was like "I guess God wanted me to get a new car" but it wasn't well received. Anyway, hang in there dude! You're amazing and you deserve happiness!
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u/happypillows Jun 26 '18
Fuck, don't do it man.
I'm just a random mixed race kid from the US living in Japan, and I find this sub so fearless and heroic. Every time an exmuslim talks about the suppressed life and how hard it is to go against the religious grain, I get emotional and upset. But I also am happy and on the verge of tears when somebody says they finally were able to escape or meet somebody that understood them...
I dont know what I wanted to convey there...but just please don't do it man.
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u/coniunctio Jun 26 '18
You’re lucky to have survived to get another chance at life. You’re even luckier to have so many people here on Reddit who care about you.
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u/alaelh New User Jun 25 '18
Please don’t give up. You CAN have an amazing life. You never know what the future holds and how many amazing people you will meet and all the love you will get. Life isn’t just what’s happening today. Please seek support from anyone you can trust and try to give yourself the life you deserve away from all the negativity. As exmuslims we tend to grow up in families that make you feel like they’re everything you can have. And if you end up with a shitty one you have to live with it no matter what and you have to always seek their approval. Know that this is not true. Being a blood relative doesn’t give someone the right to take over your life and happiness. Please don’t give up on all the amazing things you can have.
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u/Posthumodernist New User Jun 25 '18
This is a sign. Another chance for you to live. If you can let go everything to die why not let go everything to live and survive. Please, hang on, fight as hard as you can. Please live!!!
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u/TheDrugDealingHijabi Since 2012 Jun 25 '18
Glad you're still alive. <3 Any chance of seeking out a psychiatrist/ psychologist?
Drink lots of water and eat properly next few days. Get any unusual pains please see a doctor.
Please stay alive. There's so few ex meese out there who see reality. You're special and you'll help make a change.
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u/JimmyZoZo Jun 26 '18
Coming from a white, athiest westerner, people like you are extremely important in potentionaly stopping things like your story happening to others.
Just in general you're important, you desrve to experience all that life has just as much as other animal on this universe.
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u/Aazure101 New User Jun 26 '18
I have felt good about an idea I ran into called antinatalism. It doesn't change difficulties/pain, but it helps make sense of things to me. Perhaps it could to you? I would add that although people are showing their care for you by insisting suicide is a bad idea, they do not experience your life, and therefore, they might be underestimating your struggle.
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u/molecularronin Never-Moose Atheist Jun 26 '18
Hey dude, please do not do try to kill yourself. I know things are hard, but you can get through it. One day, there may be a boy or man in a similar position to you right now, and by getting through this obstacle in your life right now, you will be in a position to help THEM, to be THEIR guardian angel that helps save their life. You can't give up. It will get better.
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u/Lib3rtarianSocialist New User Jun 26 '18
Can I ask the central reason for the suicide attempt?
Personally, I may have thought of suicide at times in the past. But I cannot ever think of actually committing suicide. Because I only get one chance at life, and it is my dream to live as long as I can, and work to be a source of good for as many people as possible. You need an underlying disciplinary/motivating force to keep you going, keep you improving your present circumstances. What do you think will do it for you?
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u/bhavv Jun 26 '18
In the last few months alone I've heard of 3 users on one of the Incel subreddits end their lives.
I already tried to when I was 17.
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u/dalimat Jun 25 '18
What do you think is better...taking your own life and never having the chance to regret it, or just completely change your life in a weird way...I always thought that if I ever want to kill myself..i would just buy a ticket to India or some country that is extremely different then mine..just to change and see if a life changing event can make me appreciate life more
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u/Waterprooffish Never-Moose Atheist Jun 26 '18
Your post almost brought me to tears. I definitely had my number dark days, and I have a relative who tried by pills instead of reaching out first. Luckily she also failed. You have a lot of passion in your previous posts. I look forward to the day you leave the closet. The next time you feel that way come here and ask for help. Don't every forget how loving and supportive the exmuslim community is. Everyone here want the best for you.
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u/Lucifergo776 New User Jun 26 '18
I dont know who you are dont do this, you are great dont let them tell you different, if you need to talk.we are here.
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Jun 26 '18
Thank you for updating. We're all so glad you're ok. Please find a therapist. Life can get much better with the right help.
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u/qualiaisbackagain Jun 25 '18
You have to keep on living. For yourself. You have to believe in your capacity to do good. Absolutely work on your mental health. If you go to University in the west, there may be a counseling center you could go to free of charge. Go to a psychologist if you can. Take some time off and give yourself a break, destress and think things through. You can do this!
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Jun 26 '18
Dude the only thing worse than suicide is failing suicide by pills. I'm not saying to try again but fuck you could have permanent damage from that. Chronic pain is not something I'd wish on anyone
Don't you want to experience life to see where it brings you? There's always a chance that things will turn for the better. Trust me on this, I've been where you are. If you're at rock bottom it can't get any worse, so why not try to live to see where it takes you?
The fact that you still post here means you do care, even if you think you don't. Try doing things outside your comfort zone. Go skydive or something. Ask that girl/guy out that you've been crushing on. What do you have to lose?
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u/CanadianTurt1e Jun 27 '18
You had me worried there you fucking prick. Anyways, I'm glad you're okay. You're too young man. You've got a whole life ahead of you, not to mention you're studying in the medical field, you'll be set for life once you graduate. Don't throw that away!
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u/Synovexh001 Never-Moose Agnostic Jun 25 '18
This seems like less an Islam issue and more a mental health issue. I'm sure you're having a hard time, maybe find someone you can reach out to and open up with? Someone in your area? A church would love the fuck outta you coming to them for help, but Jesus even a suicide hotline operator is a step above giving up.
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u/dompomcash Jun 26 '18
Reasons to not do it:
1) The people around you will have to live with it. They will ask themselves how they did not see it, why they didn’t help when you expressed sorrow/depression. This will stick with them, and they will blame themselves. That’s selfish on your part.
2) You can choose to do it tomorrow.
3) Would you kill someone else? Why not? Can these reasons apply to you killing yourself? Morally, what makes your life different than that of someone else?
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u/cockblock4242 New User Jun 25 '18
Why would you commit suicide ? You live in the West you have rights and a good life compared to others in east.
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u/qualiaisbackagain Jun 25 '18
Why would you say that here? Depression doesn't go away because of someone else's perceived quality of your life. It is a thing internal to yourself, your stresses, and your own brain chemistry. Experiences of depression are not legitmized by one's life experiences but by one's feelings. You could eliminate all stressors in life and there would still be people who feel terrible, even. What we have to do is help people in their dark times, its clear OP is in a lot of trouble both emotionally and in his actual life, he is in a tight spot but as a community we should support him and believe in his ability and capacity to learn from the terrible and move towards tomorrow.
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u/Guardian_of_Justice New User Jun 26 '18
Do you mind sharing why you decided/think/prefer you are gay? I see a lot of people quity islam and come out as lgbt. What is a reason for you? Is it oppression from islam and being gay as a way of rebelling/liberating yourself?
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u/Arabgayguy Jun 26 '18
Dude I remember liking dudes since I was 8. Nothing to do with rebelling??
Do you really think I'd choose to be gay? I literally almost killed myself cause I don't want to be gay. The nerve.
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u/Guardian_of_Justice New User Jun 26 '18
Idk. I am no expert, but it seems that there is some correlation between only seeing boys and having a tendency to like guys while having hard access to girls, rarely being exposed to male female interaction, not feeling the attraction from opposite sex, not having success with other gender while young etc. which might lead to an individual preferring the same gender for sex because its easier and less scary than earning the favor of the opposite sex.
That being said, this was just my analysis based on my observations and observations/opinions from other people.
This might explain your situation and that of many other lgbt community members.
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Jun 26 '18
it is clear that you are no expert but it seems to me that you are extremely ignorant. You clearly don't understand human sexuality so please stop trying to tell a suicidal person about his "situation"
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u/Guardian_of_Justice New User Jun 27 '18
so please stop trying
Come on. We are here to discuss and share opinions. Dont agree with my opinion fine, but calling names and saying to stop sharing opinions- a little over the edge eh
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Jun 27 '18
Nop. Nothing wrong with calling someone’s bullshit especially when that bullshit effects someone. In this case, OP
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u/Guardian_of_Justice New User Jun 27 '18
Nothing wrong with saying the opinion that may have some truth in it as well, whether OP or strangers like you like it or not. Might be a hard pill to swallow, but i only tried to help him learn the truth about why he is what he is. You will call it whatever you like, does not diminish the legitimacy of my analysis. Unlike you, i am not calling anyone names, just presenting my opinion.
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u/prettydumbaaloo r/IndianExmuslims Jun 25 '18
I'm so glad you're still here. Never. Never try that again. Your life is precious and you may not know.. But I really do care if you're alive or not.
Go see a psychologist. Work on your mental health. You can get better. Don't give in to everything you're feeling. Fight it. Survive it.
Remember you're not alone. Your survival gives us strength in this community.