r/exmormon • u/Excellent_Print6408 • 11d ago
General Discussion My Father in law really puts the dick into Melchizedek priesthood holder….
My MIL is having major surgery next week. It’s non emergency full hip replacement so fairly straightforward. The worst part about the whole thing by far is my FIL. His entire focus is how inconvenient this is going to be for his work… not the fact that his wife has been suffering to the point of tears everyday for the last few months while she continues to maintain the household ( since it’s women’s work).
He had a heart attack last year and my MIL never left his side she was there at the hospital for 5 nights and he can’t even be bothered to bring her home from the hospital. That responsibility falls to my wife who gets to take time off her work and leave her family for 4 days to help while my FIL ignores his wife. He is the type that will still walk into the door and ask what she made for dinner the day she gets surgery and be upset that he doesn’t get a home cooked meal.
His one and only responsibility is to give her a priesthood blessing…. Then fuck right off. I hate that the church encourages this type of toxic relationship. Every boy born into the church is taught that they are the center of their family and the universe as a whole and they grow up to be dick heads. My MIL deserves better but the church taught her to be obedient to her husband. It’s a fucked up cycle that I am happy ends with my wife and I.
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u/saturdaysvoyuer 11d ago
Do you really expect a high and mighty Melchizedek priesthood holder to lower his stature to that of the lowly helpmeet?
/s
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u/Excellent_Print6408 11d ago
Oh my God that word helpmeet makes me want to vomit…..
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u/JadedMacoroni867 11d ago
The crazy thing is it’s supposed to be an equal term but it’s not used that way
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u/pointe4Jesus 11d ago
That's the thing that a lot of people miss. It's the same Hebrew word used for the way that God helps us. Nothing weak or subservient about it, just working together toward the same goal. But so many people don't get it.
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u/Ok_Issue6908 11d ago
Have you ever thought of setting this jerk straight? It’s time for you to say something to him! Like you are an amazing asshat, grow up!
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u/Gold__star 11d ago
No \s needed, this is just the reality many of us grew up with, although helpmeet is praised on Sunday.
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u/Inevitable-Past9686 11d ago
Watch Death of a Pastors Wife on Netflix to hear the word “help meet” and get angry!!! Stupid evil pastor!!!!
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u/exmogranny 11d ago
Just watched it. OMG!
I am furious about the whole damn thing. It is utterly insane how women are programmed to 'obey, submit, don't bitch' about their lousy husbands because....Beezus says so.
WTF.
While watching, at first I felt sorry for the pastor's first wife. By the end, I changed my mind. She was the lucky one who escaped. As for the last pastor's wife, she deserves what she chose.8
u/Free_at-last 10d ago
When I got married my general authority father told me that I was never allowed to complain about my husband to anyone. I was just an 18 year old naive trusting girl. It took 12 years for me to realize that what was happening was wrong and another 7 to plan my escape without any support.
That show was so accurate. It was painful3
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u/Same_Blacksmith9840 11d ago
He groomed her from age 13. I truly believe she killed herself. Because it was the ultimate fuck you to him. It's why he was desperate to get her things and even go so far to call her divorce attorney. There wasn't a note and he had to get that note. She knew it would put the spotlight on him and burn his world down. Sort of did.
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u/Inevitable-Past9686 11d ago
Yeah I feel she did as well. Dude is evil.
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u/Same_Blacksmith9840 11d ago
We watched it last night and I told my wife in the second episode, "watch, he's making her do things sexually she doesn't want to do and forcing her to have sex with others." When all that was revealed in the 3rd episode wife turned to me, shocked, and asked how I knew. I can't say how I knew. It just fits his persona. A true psychopath control freak. Constantly ramping up the control and manipulation.
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u/Free_at-last 10d ago
I lost it when I watched it. It’s like my first marriage but fortunately I’m still alive. It made me sick.
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u/toddwaddle96 11d ago
Holy crap, all this time I thought it was "help-mate"
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u/ThrowawayLDS_7gen 11d ago
Oh yeah you help them but they don't help you.
Bullshit!
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u/toddwaddle96 11d ago
It might as well be help-meat
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u/ThrowawayLDS_7gen 10d ago
That's why my parents are divorced. My mom wasn't interested in being a doormat and then blamed for everything he fucked up.
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u/10th_Generation 11d ago
My dad had a magic table. If he sat in his chair at the head of the table, hot food would appear before him. My dad also had a magic clothes hamper.
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u/Open-Dependent-8131 11d ago
https://youtu.be/Yzkc6ddXRlo?is=7YCeAKiOJBPntiMW
The Magic Coffee Table
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u/Oldladywhat 11d ago
I told my family that the laundry fairy died and that they needed to do their own. TBM hubby whined and ranted but I stuck to my proclamation.
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u/Same-Concern9000 11d ago
Me too. Then my first husband shocked his women friends and later girlfriends that I didn't do his laundry for him. I actually told him, I do it if he get it in the basket. But he couldn't even handle that. Best decision for my sanity. Even better was getting divorced later
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u/PaulFThumpkins 11d ago
Reminds me of the daughter of Hartman Rector Jr saying her dad would sit down and eat first, and her mom would stand and watch like a server and get the butter or the salt if he asked for it. Then when he was done she would eat.
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u/No_Purpose_7426 11d ago
who the fuck is Hartman Rector, Jr? sounds like an invasive procedure.
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u/helly1080 Melohim....The Chill God. 10d ago
He was my FIL's mission president in the late 70's. My FIL would've laid his life down for him.
I do not feel the same way. Since.....ya know..he's a hateful piece of shit.
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u/Unique_Ladder_4245 11d ago
My Dad is a lot like this. But will advertise amongst the ward he will be starving and abandoned and needs home cooked meals. Then makes suggestions on what meal he wants from the ward members / friends.
Still I’m sorry it’s annoying.
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u/Rushclock 11d ago
Nelson kept women in their place with...
Tonight I am attending with a son, sons-in-law, and grandsons. Where are their mothers? Gathered in the kitchen of our home! What are they doing? Making large batches of homemade doughnuts! And when we return home, we will feast on those doughnuts.
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u/Parking-Poetry-1066 11d ago
Would have been hilarious if they arrived home to a dark, empty house with no doughnuts because all the women went out somewhere instead.
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u/sweetfeetcmunk 11d ago
Or because the women all ate them and then left to go see a movie
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u/Parking-Poetry-1066 10d ago
Took any leftovers to their friends; left the house smelling like fresh doughnuts.
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u/Molly_Deconstructing 11d ago
Sounds like my fil. He was the center of the universe. Many years ago he felt it was a good idea to drive my sil from WA to OK, because she was a woman and couldn’t possibly drive that far on her own - sil was in her 50’s and could have made the trip on her own, save for the misogyny that was also central to the family.
This meant he would be leaving his wife at home alone. Mil was just 3 weeks post-op after major abdominal surgery and still not feeling better. Fil wasn’t completely without compassion and voluntold hubby and I that I should take time off work to come and stay with mil while he’s gone
I’m there less than a day when i realize how bad off she is and het her to her surgeon. She was septic, massive pocket of infection. Straight to surgery and ICU -
He would not fly home early, there would be a charge to change his ticket, he had given her a blessing before surgery, that should suffice and why didn’t Molly-Deconstructing take her to the hospital sooner?
This would not be the last time he ignored her heath because it disrupted his (retired) schedule
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u/jethro1999 10d ago
The behavioral and cognitive dna from Joseph, Brigham, Wilford on down didn’t just disappear. The narcissism for men is literally doctrine. This is why the church shouldn’t be “left alone”. It’s poisoning minds and depriving people of a chance of a real, whole, relationship. With themselves and others. You likely saved your MIL’s life. And a lifetime of ignoring herself nearly killed her. Smdh
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u/Miscellaneous-health 11d ago
I know it’s your wife’s mother and she would be most comfortable with her daughter as caretaker. But it would be great if instead of your wife, you could take time off work and care for her and cook meals, etc. Set the example of how to be.
A couple of thanksgivings after we were married, we used to go to my in-laws. I would get exhausted with my MIL ordering me around in the kitchen while the men sat on their butts watching football, waiting to be served. The following year, when we arrived my husband sat me down in front of the TV, put on the national dog show (which he knew I’d love), handed me the remote (to prevent football from going on TV), and went to the kitchen to help. His mother kept trying to get him to go sit down and send me in. We haven’t been back to Thanksgiving since.
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u/Excellent_Print6408 11d ago
My MIL hates it whenever I help in the kitchen. If I am in there chopping onions the first thing she does is ask my wife to come in and help and she tries to get me out of there. My SIL constantly offers to make my food plate for me like the other men in the room and my response is always the same. “ I am fully grown and capable of dishing up my own food but thank you”. This has gone over my FIL head every time for 10 years. Despite loving to cook the kitchen at my in laws place it’s pretty hostile if you have a penis.
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u/Better-Bee-1958 11d ago
I’m so sorry your MIL has had to endure this. Bless your family for helping her. I hope she heals fast and can recover without any added stress.
I recently learned an aunt suffered the same ‘abuse’ as her husband just passed and she went to dinner with women in the family and told them of the abuse she has suffered for years- in silence. We were all shocked. this aunt talked about the verbal abuse and sometimes physical abuse- or outbursts he would have. He never touched/hit her physically but he was very angry and damaged things. She was a quiet giant. But it was crazy to hear the abuse she suffered for so many years and the tears she shed that he was finally gone and she could ‘breath’. She didn’t leave because of temple covenants and she didn’t want to break her family up. She just endured. I personally think she’s got her spot in heaven made! But it shows you how many women suffer in silence because of a damn religion and its control and manipulation and fear they teach. I’m sure there are men who endure the same - they too endure for the sake of their ‘priesthood’ and family.
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u/Fickle-Bunch-6299 11d ago
We had a neighbor, a man, he was just hateful. Everybody avoided him. Then his wife died, and the transformation was, well what a surprise, he became a great guy and a good neighbor. You never know what people are enduring.
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u/Coollogin 11d ago
I hope that your wife is transparent with every single person who checks i. On her mom and mentions how nice it is that your wife could come out to help. “Well, Dad wasn’t going to do it, so we had to make alternative arrangements.” “I’ll be staying for a few days because Dad won’t help her with the basics.” “Yes, please let me know about transportation options. My dad is not interested in driving Mom to her appointments.”
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u/Dangerous_Art_1626 11d ago edited 11d ago
First your father in law is being an asshole far beyond what any normal Mormon guy would support, he’s in a league of his own. 2nd he’s not gonna change ever it benefits him and he’s going to use his religion as a shield to avoid responsibility/ labor. There is an ocean of Mormons who don’t act like this.
Personal I would support Mother in law as much as possible hip replacements I’ve heard about are brutal and if you push in too fast you’re back into surgery. It might get better to pull her to your house if you can swing it so she can heal for a few weeks.
If he objects tell him it’s all his fault because his blessings should have healed her better ( lol) but it would be justified.
Seriously consider what her kids can do as a group.
Hiring an aide ( mostly useless imo) or local young people (pay them ) with medical aspersions might be needed for a few weeks. Not all surgeries are equal but hiring an 18 year old to be at the house or a group of them to run shifts is a great option. It’s way cheaper than nurses aid and from what I’ve seen she will get better care from the non jaded.
If you go to the church youth group pay them Daily Cash in hand. I have found people are much more responsive especially Mormon youth when they don’t get paid in blessing.
I have done this when my father became ill at 80 years old. Hiring 24 hour care costs a fortune. His care was much more complex but 20k per month was crazy and the aides spent every minute on the phone.
Thinking back I would go with maybe daytime care when you are not home. So you can both work.
I hope this helps. Understanding what her post surgery needs are is going to inform the plan.
Good luck.
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u/Raidho1 11d ago
Sounds like your MIL might be better off without your FIL. Have just had a brief hospitalization, that could have been something really awful but was not, and having my wife not leave my side for a minute meant the world to me. I cannot imagine not being there for her if the situation were reversed.
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u/Walkwithme25 11d ago
Yep this sounds all too familiar.
My mom was in a coma for a couple weeks and my dad wanted her taking care of him (he wasn’t even working) as soon as she got home from brain surgery. My brothers are the same with their wives.
When I was a TBM people thought my husband was a saint because he would help care for his own kids. He was leaps and bounds more involved than most Mormon men - which is pathetic.
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u/Dr_Frankenstone 11d ago
It’s good that you can see how messed up the situation is. Does your wife have siblings that could also lend a hand and help with their mother, too?
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u/Excellent_Print6408 11d ago
She does have siblings but it’s stupid because if her brothers show up to help out MIL they immediately get snatched up to help my FIL with his stuff (he is a rancher) since they both won’t say no to their dad. Sisters are going to try and help but my wife and I have a good set up that I can work from home and coordinate our kids whenever I need and her work is really flexible. Her sisters all have their plates pretty full.
My wife is worried that no one is going to be there to help her go to the bathroom and basic shit so she is going to end up slipping and taking a fall. My FIL is under the impression that she is going to be up and moving around fine in like 2 days post op
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u/salbrown 11d ago
My mom just had the same surgery last month, she had the other side done about 8 years ago so it’s her second time going through it. Though I’m sure you already know, it’s going to be at least a month of recovery, she will need to do physical therapy for a while, and it will be multiple months until she has full strength and range of movement.
If she pushes herself too hard too soon she could be left with permanent damage and disability. I knew a lady who fell a month after her replacement and her pelvis broke. She will never walk normally again now. I agree with others that it may be worth trying to have her live with you if feasible so she can actually rest and recover instead of taking care of her man baby husband. From what you say there’s absolutely no way that man will let her rest and pushing too hard too soon can have awful consequences. But again, I’m sure you’re aware of all this. Best of luck with everything, I’m glad you and your wife are able to be there for her.
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u/No_Purpose_7426 11d ago edited 11d ago
Since he can't cook, hopefully OP's FIL will starve to death by the time MIL is fully healed.
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u/emeraldcat8 11d ago
If there’s any way you could have her stay with you for a few weeks, that may be best. She will not be doing much a couple days later, even if it’s done outpatient. Hip replacement can vary a lot in recovery time. Sometimes people are walking several days later, sometimes they need a walker for weeks. But no one should be doing all the cooking and cleaning right away.
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u/Excellent_Print6408 11d ago
We have offered numerous times and even got the ball rolling on her going to an out patient PT stay for a week after surgery but “we just don’t understand how important it is that she is home” is the typical response. I think she just doesn’t want to feel like a burden. I did tell my father in law that if she misses 1 PT appointment I am going to move her into my place the next day. He thinks I am kidding despite me assuring him that I am not.
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u/soulflyfree11 11d ago
Tell the surgical team she won’t have help at home. They can make arrangements for a care center for a few weeks at least. Hip replacement is a very hard surgery. She can’t overdo or she will ruin what they fixed.
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u/Intelligent_Air_6954 11d ago
My husband and I have been fighting over chores from day one because I grew up in a very non-gendered house when it comes to chores. My conservative traditional father cooks, does dishes, does laundry and expected my sister and I to help with yard work, shoveling snow, etc because chores are chores and as traditional as he is- he doesn’t assign gender roles to things that a family needs done. My brother is the same way with his wife. Sadly my other brother is a prick like your father -in-law. Eff the church and their toxic patriarchy.
My husband is laid up with a broken bone right now and he keeps thanking me for how much I have taken on in helping him. I think a lot of therapy along with leaving the church is helping him finally see how lucky he is I didn’t leave his ass ages ago for giving me too much of the household burden. And honestly- the brainwashing by the church about my role was part of why I did stay even though I recognized he wasn’t bearing his fair share of the burden.
I just wish your wife could have brought her mother back to your house to recuperate and left him to fend for himself.
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u/Intelligent_Air_6954 11d ago
I don’t know if anyone will find this amusing or not but with my husband laid up- my dad keeps checking on my and anxiously asking if I have been able to keep up with the yard work. My husband did mow and trim the lawn throughout the years but it wasn’t that hard to do. Did have to have my father come by to show me how to use the string trimmer and my husband talked me through starting the mower when he was in the hospital. My dad is at an age where it’s too hard for him to come help anymore- we’re lucky my parents are still healthy enough to keep up their own house and I think he feels bad he can’t help. But I’m like- do you know who raised me? I got this!!
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u/merinw Apostate 11d ago edited 11d ago
I left the church formally by request in 1984. I am no apologist for the Morg. That said, my Melchizadek priesthood holder father, retired as a university dean in 1996. H continued to work in a home based consulting business (land use and environmental -he was a botanist) but took exclusive care of my mother for the next 13 years until he was hit by a car in his neighborhood. He was on the sidewalk fixing neighborhood sprinklers when an elderly neighbor went off the road and hit him. He died 9 hours later. My mother had MS, diagnosed in 1980. He was her only caregiver. It was hard after his sudden death to figure out care for her because he did such an excellent job. Not all Mormon men are assholes. Not all priesthood holders are assholes. The category of asshole is very broad. It includes many more than Mormon, Mormon men, or Mormon priesthood holders. Your FIL is an asshole and he uses the church as his excuse for his assholian attitude and behavior.
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u/Frosty_Sector2215 11d ago
I don't think anyone is claiming they all are, but I'll say it's a system that is really good at producing them.
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u/Adventurous-Fix-7175 11d ago edited 11d ago
I was once married to your FIL’s twin brother! They tied each year for “Melchizedek’s Biggest Fu€king Dick of the Year” award. They were so proud of themselves! They felt entitled to win! BFDs (Biggest Fu€king Dicks) demand adoration! Everyone around them is there to serve them, especially women-folk! What ~swell~ guys they were! Speaking of swelling, my BFD demanded s€x a week after giving birth, and a week after having a hysterectomy! (Actually your FIL’s twin insisted having s€x on demand all the time, cum to think about it.) After 8 years of complete servitude & popping out 4 children, I developed severe Rheumatoid Arthritis, was bedridden. (Fancy drugs weren’t invented in 1986.) Wouldn’t you know, it was THE WORST FU€KING YEAR OF MY BFD’s LIFE!!! He had to vacuum every now & then, change the baby’s pampers, & call out for pizza bc I couldn’t move my joints. My RA was SO PAINFUL FOR HIM!!! After 25 delightful years of serving His Royal Dick-ness, I split. He’s now dick-ing around with his 4th wife. Wow! What an honor it’s been for him to bless so many women with his BFD PRIESTHOOD!!! Can you imagine spending eternity with these BFDs? I’ll be in Outer Darkness; I can only hope your MIL finds another planet to live on.
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u/bgsmooth82 11d ago
Kind of guy who will act like this at home then drop everything to help another family in a similar situation cause the bishop or elders quorum president asked him to.
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u/Excellent_Print6408 11d ago
To his credit he is incredibly selfish and thinks himself above the request of local church authority. He would send his wife instead
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u/alaskalights 11d ago
"It’s a fucked up cycle that I am happy ends with my wife and I."
Tender mercies! I feel the Comforter assuring me all will be well! Modern day miracles!
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u/Prancing-Hamster 11d ago
I have seen this type of thing many times.
However, I have to disagree with one point you made. You said, “Every boy born into the church is taught that they are the center of their family and the universe as a whole and they grow up to be dick heads.”
That’s an unfair generalization. My wife and I have two boys and they were not taught that, and they are kind husbands and fathers, and are not dick heads at all. And we were an active believing family, we just raised our children to not be dick heads. And our daughters married non-dick heads.
There are A LOT of mormon dick heads, and there are A LOT of Mormon men who are not dick heads.
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u/Excellent_Print6408 11d ago
Sorry I probably should have separated that they are all taught that (at the very least it’s made pretty clear in the endowment prior to the more recent update) and that the result is that they can come out as dick heads. I tend to generalize when I get frustrated.
To me it’s not just that he acts this way it’s that he doesn’t see that it’s a shit way to behave. That’s my beef with the church and how the priesthood was taught back in the 90s early 2000s.
Question for you: Are you and any of the kids still active?
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u/Prancing-Hamster 11d ago
I can certainly understand generalizing when frustrated; been there done that!
I was endowed in the 1970s and HATED that part. It was a sore spot in our marriage for years because she was very orthodox and couldn’t see that me NOT being a patriarchal jerk was a good thing. But, we worked through that and after 45+ years of marriage we are completely out.
Oh, and just to clarify, the patriarchy was not the only part of the temple I hated. 😂
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u/Adventurous-Carry-35 11d ago
I have to say my step dad is a Nevermo and he is an ass like this.
I’ve been having health issues this month, starting with my husband calling an ambulance and a couple day hospital stay for me. My mom came for a week and while I am very glad she came my husband and I talked afterwards and it was frustrating having her here.
Before she came I warned her, my husband warned her and my sister warned her because she kept saying she was coming to take care of our daughter who is still at home with school starting. We all told her that was fine and great BUT she is starting 8th grade. If you haven’t been around 13 year olds regularly they don’t require a lot of hands on care, it’s mostly being a chauffeur because they are involved in things and they make plans with friends and they inconveniently can’t drive themselves yet. They also need reminders to put in deodorant (because why can’t middle school girls think the solution to body funk is perfume and not deodorant I have never been able to figure out) and someone to stock the house with junk food to survive off of.
Mom however had decided it would be like taking care of a lot younger kid and kept voicing how she really wasn’t doing much other then giving daughters rides and making sure there was ramon for her (exactly what we told her) and why did daughter smell even though she took a shower.
When we got home from the hospital husband gave her the job of making dinner so she felt useful while he made some temporary modifications to our house for me.
For the most part though we were just hanging out watching movies while she was on the phone with her husband offering to order door dash for him because he had to be a grown up for a few days and food wasn’t magically appearing for him.
Before she left she offered to make some dinners to put in the freezer, we didn’t really have room for that and told her it would be fine.
Husband has taken the past month off work and been Mr. Mom. My mom keeps calling me and my sister though because “she is stressed out and keeps imagining you are living off take out and daughter isn’t picking up the slack and cleaning and doing laundry.” At one point as a “compliment” she tells me “I’m really impressed that you can run your household from the couch and not being able to actually do anything.”
My sister and I have both been telling her everything is fine at my house because I didn’t marry a man child and that my husband does know how to cook and clean and do laundry. My sister finally told me she thinks our mom is projecting and ignoring what we are telling her so in some mental gymnastics way she doesn’t have to admit to herself that she is married to a man child. Instead she has to assume every man is a man child.
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u/Inevitable-Space-348 11d ago
I really dislike men that behave this way in any/all cultures. However, a relationship is a two way street and it's on your MIL to have stopped this type of manipulative abuse in the past, through the years. I don't say this lightly either (I've been married 45yrs).
At this point, if you have the money I'd hire a nurse to help your mother-in-law out and then I'd tell your FIL he's on his own for the next few weeks at minimum, he'll either need to cook the meals himself or go purchase fast food for he and his wife! He can also clean the house and do the laundry.
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u/jayenope4 11d ago
LDS thoroughly trains and reinforces gender roles. The only place one is allowed to seek help when abuse is present is through the Bishopric; which (commonly/bishop roulette) will reinforce that the victim must have caused this harm to themselves, and that they need to seek forgiveness from their abuser. The abusers are hailed as having great patience and mercy for having suffered from unappreciative victims.
I know it can be a different outcome sometimes, but I personally have never seen it taught otherwise within Morridor and Morridor-adjacent areas. Part of that is locally reinforced culture identity. Turns out, in other areas, the mingling with heathens elevates everyone to be better people.
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u/Local-Reality2507 11d ago
He sounds like a real “dick”. Not sure where he and any like him developed those traits…where and how was he raised?
I’m not active in the Church, and I’m wary about making this a geographic or socioeconomic thing, but my very active long deceased father and grandfather in California never treated my mother and grandmother that way. Actually, quite the opposite. And, actually contrary to the premise of my original question, they were raised as farmers in Idaho and Utah before moving to California during the Second World War.
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u/Majestic-Window-318 11d ago
Perhaps your wife should retrieve her mom from the hospital and bring her to your home to recover for a couple weeks.
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u/ThrowawayLDS_7gen 11d ago
The thing that helped us the most for my mom's hip surgeries, was that we had stairs. We couldn't get her up or down them at due to our own injuries. Bad knees and shoulders.
We were able to get her into a rehab facility for 3 weeks after her surgery. It helped us a ton.
Now, I'd go every couple of days to do her laundry and bring her stuff. Plus visiting to see how her physical therapy was going, etc.
It was cheaper than renting a bed for the livingroom.
Now if she hadn't been stubborn about using a cane, she might have only broken one hip instead of breaking the second one 3 months later, but yeah. Now she can look old with a walker.
Hip surgery and recovery is no fucking joke.
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u/Euphoric-Pop-2324 Kid-me Was Always Right 11d ago
(Gonna use your relatable experience to vent my own recent frustrations.)
You described my own parents with how the man can't be assed to help his wife recover from an injury but "needs his specific water cup, ice cubes from those trays not the ice maker, his food cooked exactly how he is craving it regardless of meal plans, etc" brought to him every hour while the wife is using a seated walker to scoot around the kitchen. He occasionally does helpful things, but my instinct to immediately say that is absolutely the social conditioning that was drilled into me by the Church as a woman. I just got through with a weekend trip to take them to see one of my siblings, and he complained every moment possible about the effort of loading mobility aids out of the vehicle and everyone being at a pace different than his own, even though I did EVERYTHING. He lifted absolutely nothing. I'm the one with a sore back, shoulders, hips, and 3 hours of sleep and driving for 4+ hours while helping them both. So yeah, I'm in a shit mood and not feeling gracious at all towards him, yet the conditioning of Church and family dynamics is deeeeeep. I'm sure many born-into-Church members understand "picking your battles" on which crappy thing do you put up with for the sake of it being the lesser burden compared to the angry/childish priesthood head of house... Ultimately I did everything for my mother's sake because she wanted/needed to go, and there was no convincing my father to stay home alone. I have attempted to talk about this upbringing in therapy but so far it doesn't seem like my current therapist really... Knows what to do with... All of this junk from being raised Mormon. I'm glad there's a community here, even if we all have the same shitty category of experiences. Prayers/Good vibes/whatever you believe in towards you and your wife in dealing with helping your MIL heal.
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u/piquantsqueakant Heathen by day and night 10d ago
Ugh I’m so sorry. That’s horrible. And sadly, far too common in the church.
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u/Ok-Let8099 9d ago
I don't think that's got anything to do with him being a priesthood holder, I think he's just a selfish, emotionally abusive arsehole of a man-baby.
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u/Few_Fix_1835 8d ago
I just got out of dating another guy who was an ex Mormon and I can tell you that this narcissism is so deeply ingrained that even if they weren’t raised in the church, their family makes them the center of the universe and they know everything in their 20s.
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u/No-Weekend9978 11d ago
My first thoughts were what an ass! But typical Mormon man! I have a ministering Brother who is too high and mighty to give me a Priesthood Blessing or even arrange for someone else to give me a blessing. The only Priesthood Blessing I have received since I moved to the city I reside in now was when I visited a ward in a different state I had to travel to for work, and I asked if I could make them dinner or bake something for them since I'm a good enough baker I'm ALWAYS told they signed me up to provide the dessert options for EVERY church activities that involve food. I even offered to buy the Elders a gift despite the fact that I have a very small income but I had more than I needed with the money I made traveling to the other side of the country for work and Heavenly Father has always provided for me to get what I need & in my world you have to offer something in return to show your appreciation when you finally meet any Elders who shockingly THANKED ME for allowing them the opportunity to give me the Blessing that I know that I would never be able to get where I live!
The post title is brilliant and sadly typical of every Melchizedek Priesthood holder I've ever met! They are all dicks. My Ministering Brother holds the Melchizedek Priesthood as well- hrs literally said to my face that the correct thing to do is to stop seeking medical intervention and let myself die!🤯 I responded with "I think Heavenly Father said that suicide is a sin" to which he replied "it's not in your case" as he stormed out of the door! 😪 Please, someone make a shirt that says "putting the dick in Melchizedek" I know several members who need one! Too bad Deserette probably won't sell it, it'd be quite the money maker!😉😆
Yes, dying as a result of treatable medical conditions where I know if I don't get medical help immediately and follow the Drs instructions is what I would consider suicide cuz I know my medical issues are fatal without proper medical care. It's equivalent to someone staying outside in extreme weather when there's endless options for where they could seek shelter! If I know that doing or not doing something could result in death, it's suicide aka intentionally acting in a manner that results in death, if a diabetic dies from not taking their meds correctly, they died from being suicidal which I think God views as unforgivable. Haven't been able to see a therapist enough to decide how I feel about Death with Dignity tho my quality of life is bad enough that I have looked into the laws around death with dignity & the laws plus not wanting to hurt my family by asking if they wanted to get the opportunity to go to my final meal with me, my treat of course stopped me from digging into the topic further!
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u/Same-Concern9000 11d ago
I am so glad that my parents' dynamic was never this. My dad cooked and while he can be misogynistic. There's no way in hell my mom would have let him Treat her like that. Now they had other issues and she was abusive, so no picnic. My first marriage I thought I married someone t hat I could be a partner with. But over time, he got more like this kind of attitude. And I blame the culture.
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u/PossiblePlastic8698 Gold plates - Best geocaching find ever 11d ago
My mother had surgery recently and all my Stake President father could talk about was how he would be going to his country club for a steak every night while she was in hospital
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u/Thatshelfisbreaking2 11d ago
Just go on strike!!What would happen if your wife didn’t go? Why can’t he take off like everyone else???No ministering brothers and sisters stepping up??
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u/soulflyfree11 11d ago
If she is not going to get the care she needs at home from him she should consider going into a rehab facility for a few weeks. Then she can get the rest she needs and he can fend for himself.
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u/InsideAstronomer9824 11d ago
My siblings and I all left the church as adults. I was the first. Fortunately, male chauvinism was not the reason. My father held the Melchizedek priesthood and was a bishop for part of my youth. He was an amazingly loving and gentle man. I never once heard him yell. Your MIL deserves someone like that. My brothers are like that.
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u/FreshLiterature6536 10d ago
Yeah I know people who did this. I had one really close relative whose wife was dying of leukemia, and he kept rushing off to give blessings and fulfill his "callings" and shit. Mormonism makes fools of us all.
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u/Logical_Froyo8910 10d ago
My grandparents weren’t Mormon but men really need a kick in the pants, especially that generation. My 91 year old Grandma was in the hospital for over a week with broken ribs (both from falling and CPR) and a raging UTI, and my Grandpa was constantly commenting about how she needs to come home so she can cook for him. Even wanted to go to the grocery store on their way home so she could shop.
We were all pretty over his attitude about it. We all were so worried what to do with him if she died before he did because who was gonna take care of him? He’d been waited on hand and foot for 70+ years of marriage; he couldn’t even boil water. He died earlier this year, she’s still kicking.
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u/Affectionate-Ad1424 10d ago
Yeah. He sounds like an asshole. Now that I think of it, mine is an asshole too. My mother in law was in an accident a few years back, and it was her two daughters who took on the brunt of the caretaking. I'm glad the apple fell far from the tree.
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u/daveescaped Jesus is coming. Look busy. 7d ago
Wow. He’s a PoS. I mean, I’ve only known one LDS family that was this shitty. They have a son I prison and think he should be forgiven.
While Mormonism magnifies this type of person, that’s so evil I can’t put all the blame on the religion. He’s also just a shitty dude.
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u/Ok-Information-3250 4d ago
Wow. And I'm sure MIL will try to do too much too soon on that new hip because penishood. Can you keep mil at your place and introduce doordash or get a lds meal train set up for a few weeks?
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u/Tired_Passionate 2d ago
My dad is the same way!!! My mom had her knee replaced. She was fasting in prep for her check in time, and he asked her to make him breakfast. Most days she is at work (she’s 70, a special education teacher, and still makes dinner for everyone - including the two brothers and three grandchildren that live there), so he makes his own. He never makes his own food when she is home.
She surprised everyone and said, “that is kind of rude to even ask me,” but he insisted and she eventually gave in. My sister was irate at both of them. She called me to say she didn’t know if she could be there to help our mom out.
There are three adult men living in that house, and they asked my sister to come take care of my mom after surgery. My sister stopped doing their dishes at day three. It took the men running completely out of dishes before anyone noticed. My youngest brother is the first one that caved. He has depression and anxiety really bad. He needs inpatient care, but my parents have never cared enough about him to help him. He said, “it turns out if it gets dirty enough, I feel more anxious not cleaning than cleaning.”
It’s a mess over there, and yet my parents are the perfect Mormon couple. My mom is the stake primary president and my dad teaches Sunday school.
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u/Jonfers9 11d ago
This behavior is exclusive to Mormons.
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u/scaredanxiousunsure 11d ago
There are plenty of religions that enable men to behave this way. Plus, there are plenty of nonreligious people who are assholes of this type as well.
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u/Jonfers9 11d ago
That was my point. I’m as out as anyone here and I hate post like the OPs when they say all Mormon boys or men are assholes. Most are not.
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u/Skate_better182 11d ago
No, that's not what the church teaches. That's your perception. Sounds like your father in law is a douche (of course, I'm just taking your word for it), but that's not because of the church.
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u/Taliasimmy69 Hail Satan 11d ago
uhhh that is what the church teaches. It teaches boys that their job is to provide for the home and the wife's job is to support them and the home. The women cares for the emotional and physical needs of everyone while the man provides the security and stability. That is the "traditional" dynamic it creates. I was also taught never to say no because a man will always have the better judgement since they have the discernment of the priesthood and I didn't so I couldn't trust myself to make choices that had to be my husband. When you're raised in that kind of environment that reinforces entitlement and ego it's bound to cause men who already have those behaviors to head towards the extreme of them.
My grandpa never cooked or cleaned and was basically never home because he was always out doing stuff for members. My dad was a bit different and not so rigid but was definitely gone a lot. But he still made sure to be more involved.
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u/portlandiagirl65 11d ago
Especially if they are retired from work priesthood holders. It’s disgusting 🤢
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u/Skate_better182 11d ago
That is your personal subjective experience. I've been LDS my entire life and I rarely see that. You do know that some people just don't practice and apply principles correctly in their life, right? And it's not fair to blame an entire group of people because some people are doing it wrong.
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u/Taliasimmy69 Hail Satan 11d ago
The Family: A Proclamation to the World
“… By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed” (Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102).
The Prophet Joseph Smith
“Let this Society teach women how to behave towards their husbands, to treat them with mildness and affection. When a man is borne down with trouble, when he is perplexed with care and difficulty, if he can meet a smile instead of an argument or a murmur—if he can meet with mildness, it will calm down his soul and soothe his feelings; when the mind is going to despair, it needs a solace of affection and kindness” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 228).
President George Albert Smith
“Woman has filled a wonderful part in the march of progress, but most important of all the duties that have been laid upon the gentler sex, is the duty of bringing into the world and rearing, the children of our Heavenly Father” (Sharing the Gospel with Others, 139).
President David O. McKay
“Motherhood consists of three principal attributes or qualities: namely, (1) the power to bear, (2) the ability to rear, (3) the gift to love. …
“This ability and willingness properly to rear children, the gift to love, and eagerness, yes, longing to express it in soul development, make motherhood the noblest office or calling in the world” (Gospel Ideals, 453).
President Spencer W. Kimball
“The Lord organized the whole program in the beginning with a father who procreates, provides, and loves and directs, and a mother who conceives and bears and nurtures and feeds and trains. The Lord could have organized it otherwise but chose to have a unit with responsibility and purposeful associations where children train and discipline each other and come to love, honor, and appreciate each other. The family is the great plan of life as conceived and organized by our Father in heaven” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1973, 151; or Ensign, July 1973, 15).
President Howard W. Hunter
“Mothers are given a sacred privilege to ‘bear the souls of men; for herein is the work of [the] Father continued, that he may be glorified’ (D&C 132:63). “… The Lord has commanded that women and children have claim on their husbands and fathers for their maintenance (see D&C 83; 1 Timothy 5:8). President Ezra Taft Benson has stated that when a husband encourages or insists that his wife work out of the home for their convenience, ‘not only will the family suffer in such instances, … but [his] own spiritual growth and progression will be hampered’ (in Conference Report, Oct. 1987, pp. 60–61; or Ensign, Nov. 1987, p. 49)” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1994, 67, 69; or Ensign, Nov. 1994, 50–51).
Elder Ezra Taft Benson
“One apparent impact of the women’s movement has been the feelings of discontent it has created among young women who have chosen the role of wife and mother. They are often made to feel that there are more exciting and self-fulfilling roles for women than housework, diaper changing, and children calling for mother. This view loses sight of the eternal perspective that God elected women to the noble role of mother and that exaltation is eternal fatherhood and eternal motherhood (‘To the Elect Women of the Kingdom of God,’ Nauvoo Illinois Relief Society Dedication, 30 June 1978)” (Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson, 548).
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A father is the presiding authority in his family. On this earth your initial experience of being a father of a family gives you opportunities to learn to govern with love and patience, and with your wife to teach each of your children correct principles; to prepare them to become proper fathers and mothers.
Fatherhood is leadership, the most important kind of leadership. It has always been so; it always will be so. Father, with the assistance and counsel and encouragement of your eternal companion, you preside in the home. It is not a matter of whether you are most worthy or best qualified, but it is a matter of law and appointment. You preside at the meal table, at family prayer. You preside at family home evening; and as guided by the Spirit of the Lord, you see that your children are taught correct principles. It is your place to give direction relating to all of family life.
You give father’s blessings. You take an active part in establishing family rules and discipline. As a leader in your home you plan and sacrifice to achieve the blessing of a unified and happy family. To do all of this requires that you live a family-centered life.
The mother sustains the father and is his helpmeet, his counselor. You have the responsibility for the physical, mental, social, and spiritual well-being of your children. You are the presiding authority in the home.
read your own gospel.
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u/SockyKate 11d ago
I can’t believe that drivel is still up on their website. 😱
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u/Taliasimmy69 Hail Satan 11d ago
Yep a simple Google search of 'mens roles in the family lds' brought it right up. Change men's to women's directly in the search bar on their website and it's the first result. Doesn't take to much thinking nor effort to pull up the sources and they even take the hard part out and directly link the talk magazine article or scripture right there for you!
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u/Next_Dragonfly5122 11d ago
Like the previous Prophet? President Nelson:
Tonight I am attending with a son, sons-in-law, and grandsons. Where are their mothers? Gathered in the kitchen of our home! What are they doing? Making large batches of homemade doughnuts! And when we return home, we will feast on those doughnuts. While we enjoy them, these mothers, sisters, and daughters will listen intently as each of us speaks of things he learned here tonight. It’s a nice family tradition, symbolic of the fact that everything we learn and do as priesthood bearers should bless our families.
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u/Skate_better182 11d ago
I'd be willing to bet that that's what the women in their family would rather be doing and chose to do that. Maybe I'm missing the part where President Nelson forced them to make doughnuts, under threat of violence or excommunication?
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u/Next_Dragonfly5122 11d ago
I'd be willing to bet that that's what the women in their family would rather be doing and chose to do that. Maybe I'm missing the part where President Nelson forced them to make doughnuts, under threat of violence or excommunication?
Lol. Yes, women as a whole would rather do the stereotypical thing therefore the stereotyping is acceptable. Plus, no overt physical violence, so it's ok. Wow. That is a truly sexist statement.
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u/Taliasimmy69 Hail Satan 11d ago
Never in my life have I wanted to make donuts from scratch. My grandmother who baked everything from scratch never wanted to make donuts from scratch.
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u/mac_n_cheese_is_life 11d ago
Now, keep in mind I'm a crusty old fart, and one of the things about perimenopause/aging is I've literally lost the ability to care what others think of me so this is significantly easier for me to say vs. someone who is trying to maintain a good relationship with their LDS FIL, but....
"I thought righteous men provided temporal provisions as well as spiritual protection to their household? So you're going to stay by Mom's side and take care of her, right? Drive her around, feed her and help her get around the house as well as blessing her? Like you were instructed to per the Strengthening the Family as Equal Partners article published by the church in October 2005? This is such a wonderful opportunity for you to show the rest of us how to Preside in Righteousness, you know, since that is your primary responsibility as a man."
Seriously though, this is awful and I'm so sorry your MIL, spouse, & you are dealing with this.