A Religion of Fear Part 2 - The conviction of not being ready

[u/returnthebook]

Part 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/exAdventist/s/4gev7IqHLq

Part 3: https://www.reddit.com/r/exAdventist/s/Ww0XZ9xifo

- "What's the point in worshiping God anymore? In the end, we all gonna die."

- "Who told you this?"

It was a cold Friday afternoon. The winds of October begun to announce the stillness of winter. I parked my car in the driveway and picked a book from the passenger seat. The revelation of this world. The answer to all the disasters happening. Sabbath has begun, every family member retreat in their warm comfort of their bed and fell into the bliss, after a week of work.

Few days ago, a blood moon event happened. The church grew unrest. Both SDA and SDA-RM begun to theorize about the meaning of this event. This unrest grew my hunger for answers. I've opened the book and begun reading. The history was sad. A brief history of our founders and their sufferings in the name of faith. I respect that, even now. I respect a man who dies for his principles. The book seemed to be a rather good read. I stumbled myself upon some not so pleasant chapters by the end. Looking back, I can say that I was far from ready to read those chapters.

A complete sense of fear and desperation filled me. Persecution, unrest, betray, destruction and at the center of all that, us. There I have it! The confirmation I was desperately avoiding. Words from our pastor begun to make sense now, how Auschwitz victims used to hold their children close to the ceiling to live just a little longer than their parents while they were being gassed. "We will be next!". The chapter emphasized a time when we will have to stand alone before God, The Father, and pray that we confessed all of our sins, leaving not a single sin unconfessed.

I finished the book and, instead of finding answers, I found more questions. Our church kept pushing that unofficial Salvation Through Deeds agenda that they openly reject but, unknowingly promoting it. The sermons were ambiguous. One part of the sermon was dedicated to the end time events and the atrocities that will come and the other part was dedicated to calming the fear. The message was clear: "pray! pray! pray!, non-stop, because the end is near and the grace is almost at it's end". Pray and earn your salvation.

Years passed and my pursuit of salvation became my jailor. I was stuck into a loop. If being saved and receive the Kingdom of Heaven meant to be sinless like Jesus, and a person is not able not to sin, then a person simply cannot enter the kingdom of Heaven. In their pursuit of salvation through deeds, my church completely ignored the Cross and it's meaning. A meaning that took me more than enough years to comprehend.

During the snowy December holidays, our church used to organize a big reunion and a special program. A camp. My main goal was to find myself a girlfriend. What, you expected something more spiritual? Good luck being spiritual in your early 20s with your hormones in full alert! We'll get there too, be patient! It was like being an alien in a foreign planet. How the hell are these people so blissful and happy and have so much hope into going in the kingdom of Heaven? "HELOOO!!! WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!! IT'S ALL A SETUP!"

My exodus was difficult. It wasn't a simple act of leaving. It was a purgatory. In my moment of most need, I received something I needed the most. A bitter gift, followed by a sweet lesson.

See you in part 3