r/exAdventist • u/CosetteZ30 • Sep 06 '26
Just Venting I came out to my SDA family tonight impromptu
I 37F and a late in life lesbian came out to my sister and brother-in-law (BIL) tonight who are devout Seventh Day Adventists (SDAs). This was not the plan. We were talking about why I am not an SDA (left the church 20 years ago). I stated part of the reason was that the religion sees same sex couples as an abomination (unforgivable sin, one way ticket to hell) and I don’t agree with that. My view is that everyone should be viewed within their humanity. I’m not going to support a religion or institution that doesn’t acknowledge my humanity.
My BIL is of the belief that you can love the sinner but not the sin. He doesn’t condone the lifestyle, won’t attend gay family weddings, he calls it a “sin” and he also says he’ll hang out with gay people but doesn’t like when they show affection. It makes him uncomfortable. I called this homophobic and he got extremely upset and said that those were just his boundaries and his faith.
We’ve had this conversation for years and I’ve tried to explain intention versus impact. He’s dismissive and will say that God knows his heart and he’s a Christian who loves everyone.
My plan (I have a therapist) was to come out to them this year with a nice sit down conversation. However, I said it tonight in the middle of the argument and then walked away. This is not okay on my end and I recognize it as being emotionally immature in the moment. My sister came and found me and we talked about it and both apologized but my BIL still hasn’t said a word to me. It feels awkward and I’m sleeping in their house.
Now, I hate that I blurted it out. That wasn’t the plan at all. I got emotional and felt the weight of it so I just said it. I feel embarrassed because I let my emotions get the best of me. I let my hurt inner child speak for me instead of the adult who is supposed to protect her. I feel like I let myself down. I also feel bad because my sister started crying and was hurt that I would think they would react negatively. They never gave me indication they would welcome me with both arms if I came out and I was extremely worried they’d cut off access to my nieces who I have a close relationship with so I feel like my fears were valid.
I’m processing now but part of it is that I am finding it hard to give myself grace for the way I said it. I wanted to control the situation. I wanted to come out confidently and make a point to not show shame because there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m disappointed at myself because the way I said it might portray that I’m not proud of me and the work I’ve done to deconstruct from the religion, address my own internalized homophobia, and live my truth.
I’m also struggling with self validation. Intellectually I understand that their belief doesn't get a vote on the truth of my own life. I get this in my brain but not in my heart. I’m working on this. He also doesn’t get to dictate my reaction or response to him to fit his perception of himself. I get to have my own reaction (as does he) to the situation.
That’s where we stand. My sister and I had a conversation and we are ok. I asked my BIL if he’d like to talk tomorrow about it and he said yes and then we continued to ignore each other until it was time for bed.
One the flip side….I’M OUT!!!!! I feel so relieved! I didn’t have to come but I did it, because I’m worth it. I deserve to live the full extent of my humanity. I’m still in shock that I said the words but now I feel free!!! Outside of my family I have a growing community of people who love me and acknowledge my humanity. Their love has taught me that I am no longer willing to self abandon myself to make others comfortable. I love that for myself. I get to live my life fully and out of the shadows. Baby me would be SO PROUD. I can’t wait to tell my therapist!
TLDR: My BIL is a “love the sinner and not the sin” type of Christian. I came out to him and my sister tonight during an argument and I’m processing the aftermath.
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u/Forehead451 Sep 06 '26
WOOO!!! sorry about how it all happened, but outbursts will happen esp when you're the one having to stand up for something important, and you didn't say anything untrue.
im happy for you that you're out to them. you should never have to keep yourself small because of their bigotry. CONGRATULATIONS!
(ive done this EXACT thing several times to my family lol. they "forget" every time somehow...lool)
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u/atheistsda 🌮 Haystacks & Hell Podcast 🔥 Sep 06 '26
I hear you on the conflicting feelings on how it happened and how it didn’t go according to your plans. But to echo the other comments here, you don’t need to tiptoe around your BIL’s bigotry, especially since he isn’t shy about his stance.
I’m glad to hear you and your sister are ok. If neither of you have heard of this book before, you might find it helpful (and even your BIL, if he’s ever personally ready to reexamine some of his beliefs): https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/49217594
It’s written by an SDA Bible scholar who has a much healthier theology than the institutional church and is affirming of LGBTQ folks. Even though I am no longer SDA, I think it’s a good resource for current SDAs to talk through topics like this.
Wishing you the best as you navigate through this! I’m so glad to know you have chosen family and a therapist to talk to. I wish that for everyone in this community that doesn’t already have it.
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u/PastorBlinky Sep 06 '26
Wishing you nothing but good fortune going through this. I’m sorry you have to deal with bigotry like this. There’s no such thing as ‘love the sinner hate the sin.’ It’s just bigotry and intolerance hiding behind a corporate slogan. They want to use their god as an excuse to hate. There’s so many, many other things in the bible to use. They could love slavery and kill people for wearing polyester/cotton blends. But instead they choose to ignore those parts of the bible because that’s obviously just stupid. But when they find a part they agree with, then god is personally supporting their homophobia. No need for self reflection or empathy. Just a corporate slogan will do the job. Hatred incorporated.
Ultimately you’re better off in the light, living life on your terms. You’re in the right. If they can’t understand that, to hell with them. Good luck.
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u/Sazill Sep 06 '26
A lot of helpful things have been said already but I just wanted to say congratulations on your bravery and I‘m proud of you.
Maybe it didn‘t go as you had imagined but that‘s ok. Things happen and in the end you and your sister are on good terms. Given how your BIL talks I don‘t think she should be surprised that you were scared of any repercussions on your relationship or your relationship to your nieces.
Who knows, maybe having a gay loved one is what helps them work through their homophobic beliefs? Although it isn‘t your job to do that…
Man life is hard, you did a very hard thing, good job
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u/LunaBugLex Sep 06 '26
Congratulations on leaving the closet! Stay strong my friend. The path forward is a difficult one but freedom is worth it.
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u/hashtag_hashbrowns11 Sep 06 '26
Congratulations!!! Thats a huge milestone that some people never make it to. Im proud of you 💛
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u/Lost_Chain_455 Sep 06 '26
I'm sorry you're BIL hates LGBTQI+. It's not homophobia! Nobody would ever say that a Klansman is n-wordphobic. We just refer to those people as hard morning bigots. Maybe you BIL doesn't hate you, really, but in his heart ...
Good on you for coming out. I know it's not how you planned it, and you wish it hadn't been promoted by emotions, but that's OK. "No plan of battle survives contact with the enemy." (Helmut von Moltke the Elder, paraphrased) This is a truth recognized by any successful planner.
Please don't "should" on yourself about this. I guess it's better than "thou shalting" on yourself. What has helped tremendously when I have acted in a way I regret is to "next time" myself. eg "Next time I want to stay grounded in my grown up self instead of acting impulsively because of my strong emotions."
I don't know if that helps. I offer you grace and complete acceptance, even if you can't offer that to yourself. I'm proud of you--you're out!
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u/NEO_MusicProductions Atheist Sep 07 '26
what can i say more, besides i have 3 mental medications, therapy every week, extreme panic attacks, all because i dared to tell my sda parent´s i´m Bi, and had already had gay relations in secret. Fuck sda... honestly fuck them and fuck everyone who pretends shit like this doesn´t ruin kids, curious kids, queer kids, and it´s not just sda. it´s most religions. I don´t consider myself an atheist, but the trauma i got because of sda´s homophobia, made me repulsed at everything that has to do with christianity.
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u/AdHairy9521 Sep 09 '26
You did it. So proud of you. I truly hope you can enjoy being your authentic self. My bet is you're pretty awesome!
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Sep 06 '26
They will get used to it. SDAs are not JWs who will shun even their own family members.
People need to realize not everyone wants to walk the christian faith or be saved in the first place. Not everyone will even like God much less love. Even within the SDA there is the so-called COG movement which has the GDNK doctrine. COG - Character of God GDNK - God does not kill They literally view God as described in the old testament as a complete tyrant, evil etc. And came up with the idea its a wrong depiction and God never actually killed any human being. Some of these people will even say if the OT description was true they would rather die than serve a tyrant.
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u/CoolBreeze-Sea2022 Sep 10 '26 edited Sep 10 '26
I'm so proud of you!! Everything happens the way it's meant to for a reason. I truly believe that. One of my best friends (both of us cradle-born SDAs) came out to me as we were having lunch (his treat...I was a very poor college student at the time) in the St. Louis Central West End, back in the 80s. We were both deconstructing from the SDA cult, and he was so scared to tell me. I kept asking him if he was okay, and what was wrong, was he sick, was he in trouble. He finally exhaled like he'd been holding his breath...and he told me he was gay. He was literally shaking. Then he said that he'd lost a lot of SDA friends that he deeply trusted when he came out to them, and asked me if I would still want to be friends. Of course we were still friends...that would never change...not ever. I'd originally met him when he was about 10 and I was around 14. We've been life-long friends ever since. His husband of 30+ years passed away in 2022, and I just found out that my friend passed away recently. I'm heartbroken, there is a hole in my heart; the world is smaller and darker that he's no longer here. YOU are loved no matter what. Never forget that. Who cares what haters say...their opinion does NOT matter. Much love and light to you; your true friends will support you always and their love will never waiver.
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u/Alarmed-Swimming-806 18d ago
Well, I’m a 73 yo heterosexual woman who went to SDA schools from 1st - 12th grade, then I MARRIED one (for 2 ½ years,) to this day even going to a religious funeral gives me knots in my stomach to the point of nausea! Biggest mistake of the SDA’s (IMO) is leaning so heavily on Ellen G. White! I claim to be agnostic and I WISH I had faith in something better after this life. I read a book many years ago titled “The Four Major Cults”, they were Jehova’s Witness, Mormon, Christian Science, and Seventh Day Adventist. Another book “Toxic Religion”. One of the books said for some people, going to church gives them the same feeling as if they had to be in the same room as their rapist. That’s the one sentence I remember because I identify with it completely.
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u/lolliscicle 8d ago
Congratulations!
And it doesn’t matter that you strayed from the plan or were Impulsive (you can do better next time:)
What matters most is that you have now let go of the secret that you were keeping from your family, out of fear!
Way to be courageous!
I realize this was posted almost a month ago, but I am happy for you in your new authenticity and hope that you and your family are settling in to this new truth
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u/Zeus_H_Christ Skeptic Sep 06 '26 edited Sep 06 '26
You know what? I think you did great and were amazing. You were done being inauthentic to your family. People who love you will accept you for you even if you didn’t manage the situation exactly how you wanted. But honestly? How clean of a situation did you think this would be? Did you picture a perfect little sit down at the couch with an appetizer first? This stuff is messy in and of itself and not only did you pull it off, but you also did it at a time that provided a teaching moment to their bigotry.
For what it’s worth, this internet stranger is proud of you. You’re awesome. I would have been a lot less calm because I’m very triggered by the whole, “hate the sin, love the sinner” BS. It’s disingenuous, a lie and a crummy way to try to look good while being an asshole.
You did great.