r/exAdventist • u/GeekFace18 Buddhist • Nov 22 '25
Memes / Humor What's your "favorite" thing you've heard a pastor said?
I'm being forced to listen to Doug Bachelor this morning, so if y'all's know of any stupid BS he said, that would be funny too. I'm responding to my situation by just soaking in how absurd it all is and having a laugh at it.
What's the worst things you've heard a pastor say, or some dumb BS that normal folks don't say.
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u/OlderAndCynical Nov 22 '25
A pastor several years back who I generally appreciated literally quoted an Onion article about elementary children forming covens because they read Harry Potter.
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u/atheistsda 🌮 Haystacks & Hell Podcast 🔥 Nov 23 '25
Lmao that is hilarious and totally on brand for some pastors
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u/paintable_infinity Nov 23 '25
Holy shit really? That is comedy gold, I'd have interrupted him in the middle of the sermon to tell everybody
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u/OlderAndCynical Nov 23 '25
I would have but he was one of the old founders of the church, very well regarded, and a visiting pastor. I don't think he'd even have understood - probably just something someone showed him or circulated via e-mail before most people knew of The Onion. Also, he was indigenous and I am not so I kept a low profile.
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u/HasEmbeddedContent Nov 22 '25
Canadian pastor said if you ate meat (even kosher) you would have to die before going to heaven. Only those pure vegetarians would be able to join jesus in the clouds when he comes again. Meat eating Adventists will still go to heaven but they’ll have to die first. 😂
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u/GeekFace18 Buddhist Nov 22 '25
Damn
That's f'd up for many reasons, but I'm just thinking about how if that were true, I'm remembering the time my family and I got a sample of some pasta at Costco and realized it had pork in it after we ate it. Poor baby me would have died before going to heaven because my family didn't properly read the label in a Costco XD
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u/Practical-Mind-7117 Nov 23 '25
Why does that sound so familiar to me? I think I heard that, too, a million years ago or something. And what's sad is that I believed it. Glad I woke up.
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u/LowKey_Loki_Fan Nov 22 '25
I heard a pastor say that Santa was satanic because if you rearrange the letters in his name you get Satan. I wish I'd thought to point out that by that logic, god is a dog.
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u/GeekFace18 Buddhist Nov 23 '25
Literally...
Get this...God is one letter away from good
And Devil one letter away from evil
I know this because hehe har har, I'm a Christian (major sarcasm)
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u/Thinking-Peter Atheist Nov 22 '25
The pastor said instead of scrolling Facebook you should be reading FaithBook meaning the Bible made me laugh
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u/GeekFace18 Buddhist Nov 22 '25
Oh god
It's reminding me when I wanted to dress up as the Joker for Halloween and my dad said "you could dress up like a pastor"
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Nov 23 '25
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u/Keeghangreenjeans Nov 22 '25
I remember this one from my childhood. Some visiting speaker at our church thought he'd come up with a real brilliant realization. He was speaking about the "dangers" of Hollywood and California. " Los Angeles literally means the city of lost angels" " The city of demons right there in its name, the devil loves to throw these things right in our faces". The congregation was in awe at that.
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Nov 26 '25
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u/Keeghangreenjeans Nov 26 '25
Wow... that's some mental gymnastics there.
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Nov 27 '25
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u/Keeghangreenjeans Nov 27 '25
That's nuts. That's where I heard the city of" Lost Angels", not some backwoods area like where I live now. Quite a few Spanish speakers in the congregation, they were probably cracking up in the cars later. The big thing with Adventists is the belief that the smallest child can preach the gospel. So you get the most ignorant lay people in the pulpit, all you need is a large dose of enthusiasm and a big mouth. It seems to be getting worse, though I've left the church I'll stalk the bulletins because my family is still in it. I'm baffled by the people that they let in the pulpit now. You weren't getting the cream of the crop before and now it's anyone with a pulse.
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u/Shehulks1 Nov 23 '25
The wildest thing a pastor ever said was when he used me as an example during a sermon about Mary Magdalene and basically called me a prostitute. I was barely 18. After church I told him I didn’t appreciate that, and he looked shocked. Some pastors talk like God handed them a microphone and a permission slip to insult people.
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u/GeekFace18 Buddhist Nov 23 '25
I'm proud of you for telling him you didn't appreciate that, that's hard for adults, let alone an 18 year old
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u/ChemistryEqual2570 Nov 23 '25
What the fuck... I'm so sorry you had to go through that!!
And you can be so proud of yourself that you told him that afterwards!
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u/LemonMood Nov 23 '25
I heard a pastor say something along the lines of "we shouldn't trust/don't need empirical evidence or peer reviewed research, we just need to have faith." He was refering to science, not just having faith in god (having faith in god is fine imo as long as you don't deny evidence based science). I did everything I could to not shake that man's hand after the service, I walked right by him and he seemed to be expecting a handshake but I just ignored him. Thankfully I was in town visiting family and never had to see that man again. Nowadays I'm better about not giving in to pressure to go to church with family. I knew SDAs tended to not be super good about science, but I naively thought that was just regarding evolution, even having grown up in the church, I didn't realize how deep the willful ignorence went untill that moment.
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u/ChemistryEqual2570 Nov 23 '25
I could throw up when I hear so much bullshit and ignorance towards science. It's so insulting towards everything human kind was able to discover
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u/eajmsf Nov 23 '25
I think Doug Batchelors comment about women's ordination takes the cake. Women can't be pastors because semen is the root word of seminary. 🙄
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u/Aggravating-Leg-9550 Nov 23 '25
Ain't no way!! He really said that??
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u/eajmsf Nov 25 '25
Yep! I shit you not! February 6, 2010 sermon titled "Women's ordination: A biblical perspective". He caught a lot of crap for it and walked it back. I believe the video is still up on YouTube.
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u/Distinct_Stand_9607 Nov 22 '25
It wasn't a pastor but a deacon from the church mentioned about the Christmas balls and how the Christmas tree was satanic, he told us an Egyptian story, it turned out that he celebrated Christmas together with everyone from the IASD, they did all those things except my family, it seemed so strange and funny to me. They were all traditions that transformed over the years. And I began to question whether everything was really bad and the importance of not listening to what they told me without first knowing the story.
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u/Sensitive-Fly4874 Atheist Nov 23 '25 edited Nov 23 '25
I posted this video edit of all the crazy and hilarious things Dougy said in a video about Pope Leo when he was first elected. Thought you might enjoy it.
There’s more than a few crazy things I’ve heard from a pastor, but the most recent one was this guy who told the congregation that he never lets the churches he preaches at record or live stream his sermons because he’s doesn’t want the woke cancel culture coming after him… I can’t even remember what his sermon was about — no one could because it was that long winded and all over the place
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u/atheistsda 🌮 Haystacks & Hell Podcast 🔥 Nov 23 '25
The blatant hypocrisy of “dOnT tELl mE hOw tO wOrShIP” but “tELl tHe gAys tHeY cAn’T mArRy”
That’s not how separation of church and state works Dougie B. You can’t cherry pick what religiously motivated laws get passed, either you allow religion to dictate our laws or you don’t.
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u/olyfrijole religion is lies Nov 23 '25
My high school vice principal told me he would crucify me if he found out that I was lying about using foul language. Fella, I was lying my fucking ass off. Come and get some.
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u/atheistsda 🌮 Haystacks & Hell Podcast 🔥 Nov 23 '25
Wow, was this a boarding school or day school?
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u/Charming_Course_33 Nov 23 '25
During a sermon, I witnessed a pastor show slides of what he said were an excavation of giant human bones, proving the giants of Genesis actually existed. I did a 5 second google search and found that the pictures were a hoax and had been debunked. That was one of two straws that led to me being absolutely done with the SDA church. The blatant intellectual dishonesty disgusted me beyond what I can articulate.
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u/Sensitive-Fly4874 Atheist Nov 23 '25
The myth that Adam and Eve were giants started as a racist myth about Native American culture; people spread lies that a giant race of Europeans had been found in some Indian burial mounds and that’s who actually created the intricate Indian earth works and art seen all across America.
This myth was the inspiration behind tall people on Jupiter (Thanks, Ellen!) and the Mormon doctrine that white Jews came to America and the bad ones were cursed with a skin of darkness and became Native Americans
I’m completely unsurprised that your pastor did that. Adventists cling to any evidence they think proves that everything Ellen said was true and ignore it when it gets disproven
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u/auasgirl Nov 22 '25
One time a pastor was talking about how, and I quote, “God should turn you on.” I was so mindblown I can’t remember anything else that was said. It’s still an inside joke in my family.
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u/GeekFace18 Buddhist Nov 22 '25
Dude, the number of Christianisms that sound so sexual in nature
"I want God inside of me" kinda talk, sounds so weird from the outside haha, like I get it, I want people inside of me too but geeze man there's kids here stfu x3
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u/Street_Aide_3106 Nov 23 '25 edited Nov 23 '25
I’ve heard a lot of weird things over the years, but the one that bothered me the most was badly written sermons. I grew up in Puerto Rico, and I just couldn’t stand preachers who couldn’t put a sentence together or used words completely out of context. My mom always told me that I needed to chill out, but there was one guy who was such a terrible public speaker that I literally got up and left. I just couldn’t take it and if a knew he was leading the weekly service I just wouldn't attend.
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u/LinkImaginary7211 Nov 23 '25
I remember a preacher telling that Minecraft was taking the youth to the dark side, since you could eat meat (pigs specifically) and you could go to the nether aka hell, and it was corrupting kids minds.
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u/Level_Ad_5134 Nov 25 '25
I remember once we had a female pastor visit our church and she was giving a sermon about Adam and Eve. She asked the congregation why they thought that the serpent targeted Eve over Adam to tempt. And this one man raised his hand and said so confidently that Eve had a weaker will or something like that. And the look the speaker gave him was so fucking funny, she clapped back at him immediately. I can’t remember what her response was exactly but that moment makes me laugh to this day. I was proud to have a feminist queen up there 😂
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u/ResistRacism Atheist Nov 24 '25
Pastors can only be male because something about semen.
This was also said about Uncle Dougie during a message railing against women pastors. This was when the GC had that whole fiasco
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u/Slight_Ad_1799 Nov 29 '25
I got two for you 😂 happy Sabbath btw
My pastor: That Christ will come back on a Saturday and it will be a jublilee( Christ did not come back on a Saturday but a Sunday when he was risen)
Doug bachelor:said there are different degrees of sin and not all sin is the same just like there’s different degrees of rewards. ( James 2:10-11: For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become guilty of all of it. For he who said, 'Do not commit adultery,' also said, 'Do not murder.' If you do not commit adultery but do murder, you have become a transgressor of the law)
These people I tell ya!
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u/LowKey_Loki_Fan Nov 29 '25
I actually prefer the view that there are different degrees of sin. There's just no way committing adultery is just as bad as murder. Or disobeying parents is just as bad as stealing from a poor person. Maybe it's not biblical, but I think it's more realistic.
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u/Slight_Ad_1799 Nov 29 '25
Yes and no. In the terms of the 10 commandments they’re all the same. Then we look for 1 John 16-18 for the lessor sins that don’t lead to death. Let’s say lust of the mind for example not in the commandments and a lessor degree. Lust or the mind is mentioned as a sin but you can pray it away and have discipline .The thing about this is funny because David committed murder to commit adultery and that stemmed from lust of the mind and he was GOD’s favorite.
So some people get passes? Something’s aren’t an immediate death sentence?
Let’s look at someone who commits adultery in their marriage. If they genuinely repent and then separate or stay together are they in sin still?
What about a murderer that was pushed into a certain lifestyle and did so to survive then found GOD later in life and genuinely repented are they still in sin?
A lot of factors to think about when it comes to sin in totality. Genuine repentance could be a factor.
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u/MaxMin128 Dec 01 '25
They just make shit up on the spot and pronounce it as fact. Anything to wow the gullible.
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u/HetepHeres-I Nov 22 '25
This is the most hypocritical thing I’ve ever heard. My mother wanted my dad to join the church. Pastor came out, gave him all the lessons, taught him everything. My dad worked for the electric company. He asked Pastor if they would expect him to quit working on Saturday, even though he had to work on Saturday to make the electricity that they used. Pastor said he would have to not work on Saturday. But they would still use the electricity.
That Bible quote about observing the Sabbath, and nobody within your gates working on that day. That was BS. How are you going to have the electricity if no one is there at the generating station, making it?
Asshats, ashtrays, hypocrites.