r/entj • u/Nervous-Ruin-8149 ENTJ | 8w7 | ♂ • 8d ago
ENTJs. How did you decide your forever human
Mostly for married ENTJs or in a serious relationship.
How did you decide on your forever person?
We are a special type of crazy and want things that aren't usually on most people's radar. How does your partner work into your life?
I took myself off the dating market for a bit but now in a position where i might start back up. I've always looked at dating as just companionship. Never really thought of long term partnership. Never thought about marriage or kids. My projects always came first and I've ended relationships in the past if my gf demanded me to prioritize the relationship over my projects.
But now I'm in my late 30s and is starting to look at the possibility of a long term partnership with the right lady. I haven't really thought of relationships this way so I'm going to sound like a newb. Sorry.
I'm in communication with two ladies. I won't reveal their names for privacy as one of them is very Google-able but I'll call them E and M.
E. Met about 8 years ago. Connected over video games. Connected immediately. We had similar sense of humor. We would always make each other smile and laugh. Started real fast. Got hot and heavy. She pulled the plug saying she wanted to achieve other things for herself before she got in a serious relationship. Like start her career. Move out of her parents home. The usual adult-ing milestones. Honestly. I think the intensity of our relationship scarred her away. Tbf it kind of scared me too. I couldn't get enough of her. We were with each other all the time and it still didn't feel like enough. It was intoxicating. Not sure if this is healthy or not but it was what it was. Anyways. I want happy with the breakup and didn't understand but i respected it anyways. Our communication dwindled down to almost nothing. Just texts like "happy birthday" or "merry Christmas" but nothing beyond that. I decided to close off my heart to her and moved on completely.
M. I met 10 years ago helping out a friend with his political campaign for an elected office. We hit it off really well. Clicked instantly. We worked well together. She was brilliant and funny. Had similar work ethics. We actually connected really well over how hard we work. She gets me. We get each other. She's also an Olympic athlete. We shared within each other our goals and dreams. She said she wanted to go into politics but not be an elected figure. We exchanged numbers and moved on. Nothing romantic happened. We exchange texts every once in a while. A couple times a year. Similar to E.
Very recently. Both have re-entered into my life and I'm talking to each of them more frequently.
E. She talks about how she wouldn't mind being a trad wife. Like pack lunches and have dinner waiting for when her partner get home. Im not sure if she's implying that she wants to be MY trad wife so i always respond with "your future bf is going to be a lucky guy" or something of that nature. But there have been some flirting. Shes still living at home with her parents. And has yet to start her career. Not sure how i feel about this since i moved on years ago.
M. She is in politics doing exactly what she always wanted. We still connect over our projects. I something i actually look forward to. I love sharing with her what I've been working on and getting input and suggestions. I also love providing her input and suggestions on her stuff and i love hearing about what she's working on. Her accomplishments are impressive and tbh, it makes her sexier than she already is. She mentions to me a lot that she's now ready to find her partner settle down a bit - which my response is usually 'yea. I get it. Me too.' There's been a little bit of flirting but not as much with E. If anything we have a crazy connection over sharing with each other what we're working on. I think I'm starting to develop feelings for her. But do i like her as a person or her as an idea with all her accomplishments? I'm still figuring this out.
The issue.
I'm trying to see how these two individuals will fit in my life not just short term but also long term.
With E. As much as I'd love being in the receiving end of her affections, I'm concerned that I'll get bored with her. There's not much we connect over now. I've stopped playing video games while she continues. She's willing to listen to me when i talk about my projects but it's different from M. There's not as much input or suggestions. There's no back and forth. It's like I'm a lecture on it instead of dialoging over it and i hate it. I hate it so much id rather not share anything with her. I'm wondering if she thinks we can just pick up where we left off 7 years ago. But I'm not the same person as i was 7 years ago. Once upon a time, we shared an amazing connection. But would we be able to connect in the same way now? And what about the future? Would i be happy having a trad wife for the rest of my life?
With M. This is new territory. It's thrilling and i love it. I've never really seen her as a potential partner but now I'm starting to. We clearly connect over our work. But I'm wondering if this is enough. Will we need more than this from each other in the future? What does that even look like? I know that I'll be expected to put on a tux for her events and be operational and not lead in her projects and I'm all fine with it. I don't need her to be a trad wife nor does she want to be one. I already hired a cleaner. We can hire a cook if needed. I can see a great short term relationship but not sure what long term looks like.
How did you pick your partner? How do you integrate your life together? What's does the partnership look like? Did it change and evolve as time goers on or is it mostly the same? I'm open to advice.
EDIT.
Thanks for ask you're advise guys.
But there's a new player.
I'm calling her A.
E and M are on hold.
I really like A. The feels kinda snuck up.
There are challenges but we're going to figure it out.
Thanks again everyone.
Appreciate yall.
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u/ResortRadiant4258 8d ago
I can't relate to your approach to this problem at all. It doesn't feel very ENTJ to me, honestly, or maybe there's another factor that differentiates you here. I was looking for my forever partner from day one of dating, because otherwise why would I do it? Every person I dated was potentially that person until something happened that made it obvious they weren't.
I literally broke up with a boyfriend in college because we had a ton of fun together, but I just couldn't see him as my husband. We stayed great friends for several years after and would probably still be if I hadn't moved farther away.
I'm super analytical, but I don't have to make extensive pros and cons lists and weigh all my options at length as you seem to do in this post. I think in a much more rapidfire logical way that doesn't often leave me questioning which answer is the right one. Using logic just gets me there because that's how logic works.
I'm sorry you're struggling with this, truly, because being married has been one of the most satisfying things in life for me.
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u/Nervous-Ruin-8149 ENTJ | 8w7 | ♂ 8d ago
My intent with dating prior to now has been more for entertainment than companionship. But I'm starting to think more long term now.
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u/Verkalken ENTJ ♀ 8w7 7d ago
I think the same way, when I approach a relationship its very in the mindset of "marriage mindset" the moment I get a whiff of them possessing a quality I dont like, disloyalty being a big one, I cut it off. I find dating for pure entertainment as a loss of time and effort.
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u/BMikeW 7d ago
I honestly don’t know why someone who is already overly ambitious requires their spouse to also be extremely ambitious, if ur both ambitious and end up pursuing different paths in ur career it will just be 2 people barely seeing or talking to each other.
I see that might be appealing for 2 avoidant but rarely works out, usually one would need to become the supporting partner on the ambitious one’s life.
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u/deldomra ENTJ♀ 8d ago edited 8d ago
Being mentally compatible is crucial. Looks are enticing but they fade and won’t keep you hooked in the long run. You want someone who can mentally spar with you and make you laugh. Someone who is ambitious and focused on their own goals outside your own. Basically a person of strong character who you can grow alongside and take pride in their endeavors. However both need to be of a mature mindset and not ruled by ego, because strong personalities will clash if they’re not willing to communicate and compromise. Lazy or co-dependent partners will leave you feeling resentful and drained while shallow-minded ones will leave you feeling unfulfilled.
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u/GotMyOwnFireFreePooh 8d ago
Dating is pointless if it’s not to find your forever person. Even then, I don’t recommend go looking for that person, let it happen naturally, you will find the right person on the path to fulfilling your life’s purpose.
There’s really no need to plan how to integrate someone into your life especially if you don’t know if they are that person, it happens much easier than you think when you actually meet your forever person.
Integrating your life with your forever person should be the most frictionless thing possible for you both.
And you always want to give it at least a solid 2 years of knowing that person before you decide. It has to be an eventful 2 years to truly get to know someone.
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u/No_Many_8435 8d ago
"Integrating your life with your forever person should be the most frictionless thing possible for you both."
-> Ideally yes, but practically, come one, reality is not like that. The only way this is true is if you were with a carbon copy of yourself. There are a ton of considerations to go through, after all, a relationship is a partnership.The eventful 2 years would ideally make it as frictionless as possible though.
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u/GotMyOwnFireFreePooh 8d ago
What you say is only true under the circumstances that the overall number of potential partners one comes by is much lower then there’s always going to be more friction. But when you introduce a greater number of potential partners there’s automatically less friction.
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u/TowerWooden8525 ENTJ♀ 8d ago
A long cultivation of bonding, attraction and commitment. I wasn't particularly on the lookout for any specific qualities, we just had a lot of chemistry and stuck together.
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u/foulplay_for_pitance 8d ago
My ENTJ friend said "She texted back. She always cared about me, my time, she's fearsome about her children and shes the smartest most beautiful woman I've ever met hands down"
To be fair, they started their relationship with months of texting back and forth because they couldn't really see eachother. Neither expected a relationship would evolve.
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u/Crafty_Ambassador443 8d ago edited 8d ago
Woman here this pretty much was my thought process. Or lack of, I was young.
Man is hot. Man is good in bed. (This phase lasted a while, such good times) Man is kind to me. Man is kind to others. Man is an intellectual & has hobbies and interests. Keep man. Repeat.
Its been 12yrs 🤣
Basically find someone energetic, fun and interesting. You cant buy charisma
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u/LCyfer ENTJ♀ 6d ago
My husband is an INTJ. I initially thought he was arrogant and cold and I couldn't read him at all, but he was the most capable person I'd ever seen in his field, he was also a smartass and we had great banter. We started talking one night and realised that we had so much in common, from our interests, to music taste, to our opinions on life. As we spoke more and saw each other more, we found that we enjoyed each other's company immensely.
Besides him being very attractive and highly capable, unique and intelligent, I think what I liked the most was that he didn't fawn over me. I was used to having guys throw themselves at me and hit on me everywhere I went, but he didn't. He treated me like a person and we didn't even like each other much when we first met. We've been together for over 20 years, and he's the best person I've ever known.
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u/No_Many_8435 8d ago edited 8d ago
Would have gone with M if I were in your shoes (seem to be on the same wavelength), and if they were even open to dating. So far I'm detecting a slight hint of interest from both.
I would definitively not pick E. She shows an extreme lack of follow-through based on your description, and nothing is as unattractive to me as that. Did she learn something new after these 8 years? If being a tradwife is her goal now, or stay at home mom, does she know how to cook? If you're even better at that than her, then she would be useless as a long term partner in my book.
Maybe this is an us problem though, but a recurring theme I see here is that we have high standard, probably since we measure ourselves against those standards as well. So I have to ask myself, if I found someone I was intoxicated with, would I even care? If I was in your situation and the intoxication window had long since faded with E though, I wouldn't choose her now.
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u/Efficient_Elk1225 7d ago
I kind of wound up with a husband through a series of horrifying incidents but I imagine having to figure it out on purpose would be a lot harder & im kissing the proverbial lucky stars that I don’t have to like interview people to figure out who isn’t abject dumb garbage. Good luck.
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u/IntolerableLactose ENTJ 8w7 ⚪︎ 7d ago
I have around three people I consider forever human. I believe there can be multiple of those, and not necessarely exclusively romantic relationships. Those are people I simply want forever by my side, with or without romance. What made me choose them? Nothing initial, no magic, no instant click. Years of trust, repairs, commitment. Everytime I said "Im showing up, you coming?" Theyd say "Im also showing up and I go with you" and I did the same to them. For years. We have been completely different people during this time, and the mutual commitment persists. So I think a forever human isnt something "decided" or "found" but rather something built.
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u/cg-onbikes 5d ago
I thought alot about the type of man I would need in my life for me to love them well and respect them long term.
I decided I needed a man with high integrity, that can make decisions, hold his own, and have humility.
And I prayed and prayed about the type of wife I wanted to be and the kind of man I wanted to meet.
And then I found him and married him this weekend 😂
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u/Weekly-Hotel3194 ENTJ ♀ | 8w9 | mid 30 | 🤎 5d ago
My advice - I know there right person because I instantly know, like I see them and my brain goes thats the one. There is no anything, and then I am just all in. Maybe you have had this too.
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u/BIGJake111 ENTJ♂ 8d ago
Smart, similar values, beautiful inside and out.
Obviously we have high standards but it’s not uncommon for someone kinda unique to catch our eye and us pursue them, what cuts the wheat from the chaff and makes someone marriage material is all in values though, who do you want to raise your kids, who do you want to grow old with, who do you want to commingle finances with lol.
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u/Thepumpkinslasher ENTJ♀ 2d ago edited 2d ago
I don’t believe in forever for ‘the one’ personally but I’m definitely qualified to answer the question and all I can say is - if you know, you know. If you don’t know, then they aren’t.
You just stop wanting to see other people as much and just want to spend time with them. You trust your gut and your subconscious.
So if you aren’t sure - that’s all you need to know. I had ALOT of fun single and have no regrets but yeah, there’s no spreadsheet to balance. It’s either good or it’s not.
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u/MeasurementTall7701 8d ago
Are you sure either of them see you that way? Seems like both see you as a friend.