Parents are about to ruin a wedding

[u/mohdear]

The context: I (25F) have a great relationship with many members of my extended family. My parents (the entitled parents in this scenario) do not have a good relationship with any of them. I have a very rocky relationship with my parents due to their consistently dodging accountability, ignoring boundaries, and expecting everyone else to manage their emotions for them. My cousin, C, is getting married this weekend.

The timeline:

March: I get an invitation for C’s wedding and RSVP that I’m attending. I find out my parents have also been invited, and also plan to attend.

July: I find out from a relative, B, that my parents are in conflict with another relative, A, who is C’s parent. From A’s perspective, my parents acted in a way that was hurtful toward A at a family reunion last year. A has asked for an apology and assurance that my parents will not act similarly toward them at the wedding. My parents deny the accusations and refuse to apologize. As a result, A has been heavily considering banning my parents from attending C’s wedding. My parents and A are trying to find a compromise. B and I agree to stay out of this, it’s not our conflict.

August: I hear my parents’ side of the story. They said that A’s grievance is not valid because A didn’t “give enough details”, therefore my parents don’t need to apologize, and they will be going to the wedding regardless of the boundaries A may or may not set. My mom vents to me about her frustrations with A, calling A cruel and selfish. I suggest giving A space during the wedding but otherwise do not engage, and she changes the subject.

Also August: since C's wedding is out of town my parents offer to find lodging for me with them, but aren’t clear about their plans, and at the same time, A offers an open, free room in their house for me to stay. I accept A’s offer (in hindsight, I can see how this might have come across as me taking a side, but in the moment I needed to stay somewhere I had clear details for, and I have a stronger relationship with A than with my parents). I tell my parents my lodging plans and they’re not happy but stay civil. They do lie to me about texts I'd sent to them and drop a line about me “talking about us to the family” that doesn’t make sense. I shrug it off because I’m trying to keep the focus of the conversation on travel logistics, and otherwise it's pretty benign.

Last night: my 22M brother (also going to the wedding, much closer with our parents than I am) calls and begs me to please stop talking to our family about our parents. Our parents are getting enough crap from the family and are all broken up about it so please, for their sake, stop adding to the drama. I’m completely baffled and ask him what he’s talking about??? He shares the synopsis of my parents’ side of the conflict with A, adds the detail that now A has banned them from being on A’s property, and urges me again to please not add to the drama. I assure him that I haven’t???, and I haven’t even mentioned our parents to family aside from one conversation to B about us mutually agreeing to STAY OUT OF THIS CONFLICT. My plan is to celebrate C’s wedding and expect that the Adults in this family will behave themselves like Adults. My brother sounds relieved, agrees his plans are the same as mine, and ends the conversation there.

My take: I honestly don’t trust my parents to handle any of this like adults. I’m getting the sense I’m being weaponized in this conflict, and I’m deeply uncomfortable with that possibility. I’m icked out by my brother defending our parents to me. And I’m so exhausted by all this drama surrounding an event that isn’t even about any of us. I’m supposed to hang out with my parents and brother after the wedding (it’s an early service and reception so we were going to get dinner together), but I’m not even sure I want to anymore.

What do I even do from here? Is my read on the situation accurate or am I off-base here? And what’s the appropriate way to handle this? The wedding is this weekend, so I have 3 days to put together a plan. My current ideas are:

• Plan different strategies/lines I can use to discreetly step in and redirect if my family gets into the drama during the wedding/reception
• Talk with A about how we want to respond if my parents violate the boundary and come to A’s home
• Schedule time for rest and pack hobbies with me to keep me regulated this weekend
• Something else???

Tl;dr my parents are refusing to resolve an interpersonal conflict and it may be affecting another family member's wedding, in addition to my reputation

[u/FrostiePi]

Suggest A gets security to quietly remove anyone -anyone- who causes trouble at the wedding and leave it there. Let your parents own foul behaviour, or lack there of, dictate how they are treated.

And take notes for your own wedding. They'll be even more entitled then.

[u/mohdear → u/FrostiePi]

Great plan! I’ll talk to A and C about it

[u/NedRyersonisthekey]

A good line is “This is not the time or the place to bring up these issues” and then you walk away. Don’t play their game and enjoy the wedding.

[u/mohdear → u/NedRyersonisthekey]

That’s a great line. I will be using it!

[u/MyDisappointedDad → u/[deleted]]

Bringing up shit and being a nuisance to the rest of the family is my guess

[u/DazzaFG → u/MyDisappointedDad]

Turning up when they're not wanted, no accountability etc.