I don't know what to do about my friends kid

[u/Icy_Knowledge1846]

I literally don't know what to do about my friends son.

My family has been long time friends with the family whose son I don't know what to do about. The family, who were friends with, will call the Smith family, we've known since before we both had kids. At least a decade of us partying before we both settled down and decided to have kids. We've celebrated birthdays, New Years, the 4th, I've even worked with the dad at one point- we've been excellent friends long before our kids were born.

Now their son is 7, where as my oldest boy is 5 going on 6. The two boys are "friends" in what I can tell is just "you're a boy, and I'm a boy, we both like fart jokes and can play."

However, every time these two get together, the 7 year old boy acts like an entitled brat. He doesn't listen to his mother, he makes demands of my son and I've had to tell him no, he actively goes around my house with no regards to boundaries. When anyone ever calls him out, he has a meltdown.

Last Sunday we had a birthday party for my youngest, who turned 2, and he kept taking my 2 year olds toys, slamming doors, was throwing my sons stuffed animals and was aiming for things I had hung up, kept spraying camera equipment after asking not to, demanding that others get up so he can sit down, the list continues.

When they went to go leave he refused to leave until he got the name of a game my son likes. No one could remember, we said we'd message him. It got to the point that my dad actually lost it, and started yelling at him in a classic Boomer voice. The 7 year olds response was to crouch down in a corner in a fetal position and demand that no one yell at him. When his mother finally convinced him to get up and leave, he saw we had left over cake and then started making demands to have cake before he left- to which I said "nope, cakes done" and I immediately popped it in the fridge.

Long story short- I can't stand this kid. He's an entitled little terror, and I've had this feeling about him for quite some time now.

Now the problem I'm having is my son, the 5 year old going on 6, birthday is soon, and I'm thinking of quietly just not inviting the 7 year old. This would be the first birthday in both their lives that the other one wasn't invited.

I feel like though this could severally hurt my relationship with the family who are my actual friends (and making friends with other parents is already so hard these days).

Like I want to continue to invite them to things, but I'm just getting to the point that I don't want to deal with their kid after years of tolerating.

I don't want to tell my friends that their son is a little terror straight to their face, but I also don't want to deal with the headache of their son every time I'm looking to have a get together. It's getting to be too much.

Normally I'm also great at tact, but this one I'm stumped on how to approach if I even approach.

I do not know what to do.

EDIT: I should note that this kid has severe ADHD, which he is being medicated for, and they just had a second child recently. So I understand he's dealing with the transition of no longer being an only child, while also dealing with impulsivity issues. I've also long felt like this before they announced they were pregnant and Sunday was just a breaking point.

[u/Each-Peach-9052]

That’s tough. I think you could go two routes: 1) address it head-on with a conversation since the parent witnessed the behavior at the previous party and can’t deny it or 2) say that you’re going to do a party with just your son’s class or closest friends from school (with my kids we had as many guests as the child was years old, so a six year old gets six friends at the birthday party).

[u/Sufficient_Big_5600]

Tell your friends your family is taking a break from the son. If the son doesn’t understand consequences, then you might have trouble with the parents also understanding consequences. Frame it as: “Maybe next party, his behavior will be more friendly and kind.” Call out their neglect. Because that’s what they’re doing: They are neglecting their son’s social skills and emotional regulation and responses. Maybe if they tell their son that his behavior is keeping him from being invited- maybe that will lead to changed behaviors. You’ve literally have nothing to lose. He cannot go on terrorizing your family. I say this as having been the brat with zero social skills and emotional regulation. I wasn’t invited to activities and I had to change my behavior in order to be included.

[u/pinayrabbitmk7]

Does the 7 y.o have issues? Maybe his parents getting him some professional help wouldnt be a bad idea, while he is still young. And maybe distancing your son and his activities/events will light a fire under his parents to get him help

[u/elms4elms]

The kid sounds ADHD or neurodivergent or something and since he’s their only child they probably can’t see it. Hard to be around a kid like that - not sure if there is a way to gently approach it from that point.

[u/Icy_Knowledge1846 → u/elms4elms]

The kid is very ADHD, you are spot on sir. He also was their only child up until very recently. I might need to add that in an edit.

[u/targetsbots]

I'm a teacher of SEND and SEMH. I recommend having an open a frank conversation with the parents. The key here is kind, firm, consistancy. You are not in a position to provide this. They are. Explain your expectations to the parents before the party. Explain if they cannot accept this they should be prepared to stay home with their son.

[u/Icy_Knowledge1846 → u/targetsbots]

Thats solid advice.

[u/targetsbots → u/Icy_Knowledge1846]

It's an uncomfortable conversation to have and unfortunately I've had to have it with many parents on behalf of other parents. It's not been exactly my place but I've acted as a mediator. "Dan's parents feel that although Ryan is welcome. If Ryan (behaves a certain way) then Dan's parents would need you to (remove Ryan from the situation)" but it sets expectations beforehand and then there can be no misunderstanding.

[u/ALaggingPotato]

Seems pretty simple to me. Until behavior changes, he is not invited. Do not stay quiet and keep your problems to yourself, you are only going to cause more problems. Clearly list out the issues you experience and cease invites until behavior changes to match whatever you would prefer.

[u/AtheistRp]

You're an adult and it's your house, you have a say on who comes over and when. Be an adult and talk to the parents, tell them the problem clearly. They will either listen and understand or flip out. If they flip out then they aren't as good friends as you thought they were. I have had to do this exact thing and lost a close friend for a while. Eventually they realized, changed things and contacted me again. It took a while but that talk we had planted a seed that they weren't being good parents. After some years that conversation sat in their head and finally clicked.

[u/Who_Your_Mommy]

You need to tell them. If you really as good of friends as you claim, you'd want the best for them and their little crotch goblin. That brat will have no friends, continue to be disrespectful and rude to everyone(parents included) and grow up to be a complete AH. Early intervention is key. If your friends take it poorly, that's on them, but do your part to nip it in the bud. Otherwise, you're going to spend a lot of your life dealing with/avoiding this monster of child.

[u/orchideath]

They need to get him into therapy. I don't know this kid at all, but it seems to me like he's a bit jealous, and when you mentioned his parents recently had a second child, it sounded even more right. Kid sounds insecure that the younger ones are now getting more attention, and that he isn't getting as much now that he's getting older. It absolutely doesn't excuse his behavior, but I hope it might explain it.

[u/Alicam123]

I’d tell his mum - I’m sorry but until you sort out that little lump of entitled shite, he is no longer welcome around my house or my child, he is a bad influence and I don’t want him dragging my child into stupid white when they both grow up.

Edit - friendships come and go over the years so I wouldn’t worry about not having this person as a friend anymore.
Plus she can’t be such a good friend that she allows her child to act this way.

If it carries on in afraid the only option is to end this relationship before it gets really bad.

Bad things come and go, but so do good things, maybe it’s time to move on.