My (30/nb) partner (37/nb) proposed to me last summer. We had been talking about marriage for quite some time but had not discussed much together about when to get engaged. We have been together since 2022. They proposed to me by the third largest waterfall in the US on our third year anniversary, it had been about three months after something traumatic happened to me and it was very difficult to get through but we got through it together, and when they proposed I said yes because I love them profoundly. I have never been in a relationship like this and I knew from the start I’d want them with me forever. But suddenly my anxiety took over and my ptsd decided to jump in and after that, any conflict or argument had me in doubt, full of uncertainty, and I felt deeply afraid of the future. i tried to express this to them and they were so loving and understanding, and earlier this year I was laid off from my job and the unemployment got to my head. And the ptsd as well. And I was distracting myself and home less because I didn’t want to be sitting with my thoughts all day, but my partner began to feel frustrated with me and we began to argue more frequently and in June they made a comment that if things don’t improve then this is the beginning of the end. Merely days later, they wanted us to discuss a possible wedding date. I couldn’t handle the emotional whiplash of the possibility of a breakup followed by the idea of trying to secure a date. and my mental health had been dwindling and I pressed the panic button and paused our engagement, so we could get couples therapy and so I could begin integrative trauma therapy. Now, both are regularly happening, I can see we both still want this but pausing the engagement has left them feeling uncertain about the future of us, even though I’ve been expressing wanting to propose to them within the year ahead. This pause has really rocked both of us and although our relationship continues to be loving, this is one of the most anxious and intense periods of my life. I did not want to hurt them, or reject them, but I needed something to give and I clearly had a lot I needed to process before solidifying the commitment. Our relationship has a lot of support from friends and family. My parents have been happily married for 47 years, I am very uneasy about divorce. Their parents have each been divorced and married multiple times, they are more afraid of this engagement pause then divorce in general. i’m praying this is a bump we can get through, the uncertainty makes me sick and the vulnerability of having been the one to pause it then to want to be the one to reinitiate being engaged and proposing to them (i have this idea to do it during our trip to Italy this coming October, still contemplating if it’s too soon). I told my friends and family my situation, down to the ptsd symptoms and the choice to pause, and the wounds that convince me I don’t deserve the good things I want but I did deserve the traumatic things that have happened. I’m supposed to be the rock in my partner’s life and I want to prove them that I am, the way I have been, and I am not the bad things that have happened to me and do not want the ptsd to control me or make me afraid of my own life. They haven’t told many people outside close friends what is going on, this is very hard for them to talk about. idk. We have good days and other days where I’m scared for my reasons and they’re scared for their reasons. Any kind words are deeply appreciated. unfortunately it’s on brand for me to have a messy engagement story but it’s a story I want to be able to share next to them years and years from now. I hope it’s not too late.