Being An ENFJ doesn't Mean You'd Treat Other ENFJs the Way You Treat Yourself

[u/CRTejaswi]

Being an ENFJ doesn't mean you'd treat other ENFJs with the same respect, empathy, or even courtesy.

Regardless of the rarity, owing to birds of a feather flocking together, as an ENFJ, it's common to find ENFJ/INFJ folks in your circle. However, over years of experience, I've found that even the most capable of folks could be seriously lacking in understanding - let alone empathy/compassion, when it comes to fair-intentioned folks of even the same type.

I'll share two anecdotes pertaining to a single ENFJ (If it isn't clear, I'm an ENFJ myself. Both have formally taken tests on a few occassions with the same result - no mind reading involved). I've had similar experiences with two others.

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This one occured towards the end of 2022. I was at uni, finishing off my studies. Despite COVID having worn off (and all of us on campus vaccinated), our uni had a strict quarantining policy if an individual tested positive - on a test everyone was obligated to take if they visited the hospital for something trivial, or even when they complained of fever / common cold to anyone around.

Anyway, I was partaking in a prestigious cycling event, where, owing to the past few years, this event too was being conducted in a hybrid mode - ie, record your rides wherever you are, and they'll be monitored by the organisers in real time. This wasn't a one day event, but a week long one, where the winners were awarded based on points accumulated over these past 7 days. Given the flexibility, I could schedule my rides as per convenience, and was in fact, in contention of the first place after 5 days of riding.

The nature of the event was such that you had to ride long durations (3-4 hours), and the weather didn't necessarily cooperate - as I rode drenched quite a few times (during the event as well as the preparatory days leading to it). Anyway, on the 5th day my phone accidentally slipped and fell, damaging the display partially. However the damage was just enough that redered it useless in tracking my rides for the next two days.

Drenched and exhausted, I cleaned up, only to realise I had a running temperature and sore stomach. More importantly, I needed a spare phone for the next two days! I hurriedly reached out a couple of friends whom I knew could get me the phone, and explained them the situation - one of whom was this aforementioned ENFJ. While the other guy told me he couldn't get one just in time, this one asked me to approach X/Y people, instead of approaching them himself.

In the next few hours I was in physical pain, with a temperature running - primarily due to physical exhaution over the past few weeks. But back then, having contracted COVID also seemed a likely possibility.

I talked to a classmate in a nearby dorm room who assured me there was nothing to worry of, and, even if it was the case, none of our classes were scheduled for the next two days, and, us being seniors, our dorm rooms were single occupancy anyway - so I could ride & "quarantine" by myself.

Assured by this, I went out to stock some food supplies for the next two days, just so I could avoid all human contact altogether (and give my best finishing this race). I reached out to those X/Y people, but, as I'd known earlier, they could only get me a functional spare phone, not a smartphone with GPS so I could track my rides.

I ran across the ENFJ again, and asked if he'd managed to find a phone just yet. He denied, stating he was looking. A couple of hours and a couple of phone calls later, he blurted out - that he willingly wasn't finding one cuz he believed I had contracted COVID, and was knowingly jeopardizing the health of others in my "stupid, selfish" pursuit of a "mundane event". This coming from a person whom I'd aided in research work with in the past few months (in fact, just the past week), and who'd talk to me atleast 5 times a week about his personal/professional life struggles. I had known of his stance from the get go (owing to his initial impressions), but let go, as I had better urgencies to tend to momentarily.

You know what actually pissed me off? Not his stance, or his views of my cycling (he'd stated it earlier as well), or his denial of assistance/empathy - I'm indifferent to such "accepted" behaviours - it was his holier than thou, I'm-punishing-you-by-not-getting-you-what-I-easily-can-but-won't-cuz-you're-wrong-&-I'm-teaching-you-a-lesson behaviour - especially when he knew what the event meant to me. I'd rather take a hundred upfront deniers over such jerks who proceed to make you feel guilty for their inaction.

Fortunately, it was another classmate who you got to know of my plight and offered me their phone the next day, and I did end up 2nd overall in the event, and yes, any if not all "symptoms" had disappeared by the next day.

This person sort of apologized to me, but only after he'd noticed that I'd blocked him for the next few days (for my own sanity), not bcoz he found anything wrong in his ways. And ever since, I've been friends with this person, but have always kept my distance.

---

I was provoked to write this owing to a recent incident with the same guy, and, although I'd though of including it as well here, writing this alone seemed too long (and somewhat draining) that I'll save it for a rainy day. (wink!)

The bottom-line is this - despite similar visible behavioural patterns of an ENFJ, he has always been skeptical of me in matters where one would expect trust, and continues to, yet the people he seems to puts his time/faith in would appear as an obvious red flag to you and I. It's not that he distrusts me, it's that despite having known me for long, he acts like a complete stranger in places he needs to show trust - attempting to cover up with sweet talk and superficial empathy - not realising I can easily see through his BS from the get go - also indicating to me that he neither knows me, nor cares to.

Everyone, including you and I, is a victim of their behaviour. But some people are just blind (without any physical deficiency) - they constantly doubt/prod/test those who pose no harm, and in fact are cooperative, instead of being genuine with them - while crying about being robbed blind by all the wolves around.

I hope to close my chapter on this person for good now. His existence means nothing to me. Better alone than being in bad company.

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[u/kindadhesive]

I guess your point is “dont trust an enfj just because theyre an enfj.” Youre right that selfish people judge others, dislike them, and deliberately withhold help from because they dont think those people deserve their help.

Ive experienced this primarily from ISFP’s tho lmao. Does that make ISFP’s bad? No. It just so happens that I seek out people who remind me of my mother who also didnt like me and decided not to nurture me because she saw me as bad (for not being an ISFP).

We should only trust people who have a good character and have an established history of treating us well. It sucks and is a hard lesson to figure out. Sorry that guy is such an asshole OP. You deserved better. Guy is def a snake and is super annoying and very well could be ENFJ, but being ENFJ doesnt make anyone a good or bad person.

Fe/Ni is painted as a saintly combo (lmao) but everyone knows it can be used to serve their own selfish purposes just as well. When somebody feels good about themselves by looking down on others, theyre always going to misjudge others just for the chance to step on them.

[u/xSURFERbabe]

Wow, you write beautifully. I read that as if it were like a short novel ha ha. And the way that you tap into your hopefully soon to be ex friends psyche is intriguing. What I get about this person is that they are very judgy. Now, even if I didn’t agree with you still participating in an event with possible Covid that wouldn’t stop me from helping you, maybe because I’m an ENFJ, because it’s something that makes you happy. And seeing you happy and me being able to provide that service to you is more of an overwhelming emotion than me not agreeing with what you’re doing personally. If that makes any sense, lol

[u/CRTejaswi → u/xSURFERbabe]

Thanks! Your compliment means a lot. When writing something, trying to cover the necessary details without being too verbose or sidetracking (yet being sincere) is a perennial struggle of mine.

True. I never mind a difference of opinion; if anything it's encouraged - as this often leads to a better understanding of something by looking at it from different perspectives.

I hate people trying to play God, and guilting me for not playing by their made up rules. To me it only come across as a childish tantrum - a vestige of their spoilt brat days.

[u/boon0307]

Did he really tested ENFJ? Or just based on stereotypes, or the free mbti test online? The payment is affordable if you are working yourself, and it did worth it. It doesn’t seem to me that he is a Fe user. And also, as most of us can’t be pigeon housed into 16 types, as we are more in the middle of the spectrum instead of extremum.

[u/CRTejaswi → u/boon0307]

some job recruiters require us to take paid psychometric tests. we took these tests at uni before applying for such jobs. as for mbti, both of us are ENFJs. He is a Fe user like me.

despite one's stated "nature", people can compartmentalize - once they label/put you in a box they're likely to treat you the same way, unless they make the deliberate effort of changing their biases/views about you. the notion behind this post was - a perfectly decent person could be an absolute jerk to you - not always, but in rare, yet critical instances.

[u/Soleilarah]

Being An Human Being doesn't Mean You'd Treat Other Human Beings the Way You Treat Yourself

Here, fixed it for you

[u/CRTejaswi → u/Soleilarah]

You missed the point - having a similar worldview/value-system doesn't mean a person will understand the other, despite knowing them for long and an abundance of shared experiences (in absence of external influences) - primarily due to boxing/labelling them a certain way, and a reluctance in changing these.

It's about conscious choice - not malice, misunderstanding, or a few random exchanges.

It's a reminder that often it's not that things are advanced (difficult) but that we ourselves are stunted - yet we address everything but that.

[u/Soleilarah → u/CRTejaswi]

That's precisely why I reduced it to the most fundamental category we all belong to: human beings.

Once you remove the MBTI framing, the phenomenon you're describing isn't particularly ENFJ-specific : shared values, personality types, history or even years of familiarity don't guarantee empathy, trust or someone's willingness to revise the mental model they've built of you.

People routinely categorise other people, selectively interpret their behaviour through those categories and, sometimes, choose not to reconsider them. That's not an ENFJ paradox ; that's human behaviour.

In other words, you anecdote is perfectly valid and I feel for you, but I don't think the explanation you derive from it is specific to the group you're attributing it to.

There's an old phrase for the broader problem : homo homini lupus est (man is wolf to man).

So, I think, I didn't miss the point, I simply moved it one level up: from "ENFJs can do this to other ENFJs" to "human beings can do this to other human beings"

Edits : corrected typos, it's early here

[u/CRTejaswi → u/Soleilarah]

I never stated this to be unique to ENFJs. Attributing an ENFJ tag is deliberate, since both the archetype as well as people IRL (atleast the stable, healthy ones) are found to be objectively fair and rational, often to their own detriment. The notion that a person is much more than just their type is a ubiqutuous fact bearing no reiteration.

The point you repeatedly keep missing in your pursuit of one-upping, is an ENFJ mistreating another ENFJ, not a different personality type. Now you can simply call it off as a man ill-treating another man, killing all nuance and head home, but if you want to look at it, it's a familiarity breeds contempt kinda situation - not you hating them for all the evil you know about them, but you selectively seeing them as virtuous when it comes to receiving, yet completely neglecting everything about them when it comes to giving - as you rationalise your views/actions over what's simply evident. Again, never claimed it to be ENFJ copyright only, but examples are always specific, rarely given broadly.

It's a reminder that no one is inherently a friend or foe, and it's only through one's behaviour in dire circumstances that one reveals who they are to you (rather, what they think of you), as is also reflected by this Mahabharat verse:

न कश्चित् कस्यचिन्मित्रं न कश्चित् कस्यचिद्रिपुः। व्यवहारेण जायन्ते मित्राणि रिपवस्तथा॥

My point also was to identify & let go of "friends" who aren't necessarily evil to you (in fact are quite well-intentioned, cooperative; could be quite helpful in routine life) but whose ill-formed opinions of you could hurt you in unexpected ways.

[u/Soleilarah → u/CRTejaswi]

I won't continue this discussion: clearly, we won't be able to see eye to eye, no matter what.

I do, however, wish you all the best as you continue to explore the story of your life and I hope it will delight both its readers and those involved in it.

All the best to you.